If you have been checking the authors of posts on your Wonkette this week — and you have, because writers know that everybody pays a lot of attention to bylines — you will have noticed there is a new guy. Yes! The time has come! The torch has passed, etc.!
Please welcome Jack Stuef (WHO IS ON TWITTER, FOLLOW HIM,) your new Jim Newell. NO, nobody could ever replace Jim Newell. But please take a moment to replace Jim in your hearts with Jack, if you haven’t already. Finished? All right. Haha, that guy was a ginger.
Jack Stuef is a REAL NAME, YOU MEANIES, STOP SULLYING YOUR NEW WRITER’S GERMAN HERITAGE. Your new writer is from Detroit (home of hott mayor sexts and ruin porn) and had his graduation with cum
load laude THANK YOU VERY MUCH from Georgetown a few weeks back where he listened to a commencement address from Dikembe Mutombo, who told him to become a rich basketball player and donate money for a hospital in D.R. Congo. And there were also some things that didn’t relate to anything about trying to make fried chicken and setting things on fire and people thinking Mutombo had never seen snow before when in fact he had. Actually, none of the parts of the speech related to each other. Samuel Alito, your new writer’s sworn enemy, was also there. Jack MAY or MAY NOT have sent in a couple of things about Alito to Wonkette in the past.
Anyway, that degree is in Government and English, and your new writer has decided to pursue the one that doesn’t make you any money. Hooray!
Your new writer has also been freelancing for fake-newspaper of record The Onion for a couple of years now. Did he write [article you liked]? Yes, yes he did. He wrote everything that has ever appeared in The Onion.
At Georgetown he edited the resident barely-published humor magazine thing, The Georgetown Heckler, generally making fun of the terrible Georgetown administration and only OCCASIONALLY getting himself embroiled in racial controversies that are national news.
Those of you who already found your new writer’s dumb LinkedIn know he also worked for Bill Richardson in Iowa the summer after his freshman year, when he went through the rite of passage of disillusionment and thought for sure that the Obama guy couldn’t win because you can’t just win on eloquence because people like experience and only elect vice presidents and governors. Yes, there are good Bill Richardson stories. Perhaps one day they can/will be shared.
Your new writer is excited to be here for the five weeks until he replaces Jim Newell at Gawker, Jim Newell replaces Juli Weiner at Vanity Fair, Juli Weiner replaces Alex Pareene at Salon, and Alex Pareene is the new editor of the Spy magazine reboot.
There’s a Gmail account (firstname.lastname@example.org) for your new writer, so you can send him pictures of your sexual organs or vicious Sam Alito rumors. Ken said some Hungarian guy won’t make @wonkette.com e-mail addresses anymore because of the European debt crisis.
In conclusion, Jack Stuef has an iPhone.