As seen wearing Christmas Lights on Channel 9.If you have been checking the authors of posts on your Wonkette this week — and you have, because writers know that everybody pays a lot of attention to bylines — you will have noticed there is a new guy. Yes! The time has come! The torch has passed, etc.!

Please welcome Jack Stuef (WHO IS ON TWITTER, FOLLOW HIM,) your new Jim Newell. NO, nobody could ever replace Jim Newell. But please take a moment to replace Jim in your hearts with Jack, if you haven’t already. Finished? All right. Haha, that guy was a ginger.

Jack Stuef is a REAL NAME, YOU MEANIES, STOP SULLYING YOUR NEW WRITER’S GERMAN HERITAGE. Your new writer is from Detroit (home of hott mayor sexts and ruin porn) and had his graduation with cum load laude THANK YOU VERY MUCH from Georgetown a few weeks back where he listened to a commencement address from Dikembe Mutombo, who told him to become a rich basketball player and donate money for a hospital in D.R. Congo. And there were also some things that didn’t relate to anything about trying to make fried chicken and setting things on fire and people thinking Mutombo had never seen snow before when in fact he had. Actually, none of the parts of the speech related to each other. Samuel Alito, your new writer’s sworn enemy, was also there. Jack MAY or MAY NOT have sent in a couple of things about Alito to Wonkette in the past.

Anyway, that degree is in Government and English, and your new writer has decided to pursue the one that doesn’t make you any money. Hooray!

Your new writer has also been freelancing for fake-newspaper of record The Onion for a couple of years now. Did he write [article you liked]? Yes, yes he did. He wrote everything that has ever appeared in The Onion.

At Georgetown he edited the resident barely-published humor magazine thing, The Georgetown Heckler, generally making fun of the terrible Georgetown administration and only OCCASIONALLY getting himself embroiled in racial controversies that are national news.

Those of you who already found your new writer’s dumb LinkedIn know he also worked for Bill Richardson in Iowa the summer after his freshman year, when he went through the rite of passage of disillusionment and thought for sure that the Obama guy couldn’t win because you can’t just win on eloquence because people like experience and only elect vice presidents and governors. Yes, there are good Bill Richardson stories. Perhaps one day they can/will be shared.

Your new writer is excited to be here for the five weeks until he replaces Jim Newell at Gawker, Jim Newell replaces Juli Weiner at Vanity Fair, Juli Weiner replaces Alex Pareene at Salon, and Alex Pareene is the new editor of the Spy magazine reboot.

There’s a Gmail account ( for your new writer, so you can send him pictures of your sexual organs or vicious Sam Alito rumors. Ken said some Hungarian guy won’t make e-mail addresses anymore because of the European debt crisis.

In conclusion, Jack Stuef has an iPhone.

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  1. Ok, Stauf, some rules and we’ll get along fine:

    1. Alt-Text
    2. I get to hit on you in a Gay way all the time. This includes asking for pictures of your butt in the comments.
    3. See rule “1”



    PS. Show us your butt!

  2. “…new writer has decided to pursue the one that doesn’t make you any money.”

    So: ginger, but no bread.

    Offical welcomez, Jack. You will be walking in some big, not-yet-filled-with-bleeding-petroleum footsteps.

  3. welcome.

    i only minored in english. my goal is to make negative money. it became an easy goal as of about two years ago.

  4. With her career decline continuing (Suck > Wonkette > failed novel > Time (ew) > “MSNBC contributor” on Rachel > who knows?), do you suppose Original Wonkette AMC might have sent Ken a résumé? And was rejected! The horror!

  5. Today we will all refer to ourselves in the third person.
    um, I mean, they will….
    uh, THEY mean, today THEY will all refer to THEMSELVES in the third person.

  6. And Jack just happens to be a ginger, too? I think there’s a huge conspiracy here, and the more I drink, the more I’ll be able to figure it out. But great work so far, “Jack,” or whoever you really are, welcome aboard.

  7. Hey, Jack, extra points if you knew that guy who hired a personal assistant because being a student and one of Georgetown’s young elites at the same time is so stressful. Also, if you ever had a roommate who made you keep a poop chart, we want to hear about it NOW. Poop charts are the new trucknutz.

    [re=600284]Tommmcatt[/re]: Jack DOES alt-text. That’s how I knew these articles weren’t being written by Newell in disguise.

  8. So now when the redtards, teatards, and repubicans tell the Wonketteers they don’t know jack. We can respond “Au contraire!! We do know Jack, maybe not much else, but we do know Jack!!”

    Welcome Jack. I’m guessing that you got that OT benefits plan that Ken gave Jim.

  9. Well, Jack. I just read some of the comments on Newell’s BP post at Gawker. Even though you aren’t making any money & you will not win fame, women or any professional accolades here at Wonkette, you have about a million times better gig than Newell does. I bet our original ginger is curled up in the fetal position, wishing Madame Noonington would soothe him with her melodious voice & reminiscences of Raygun. Or he just wishes that someone would shoot him now.

  10. Welcome aboard, Jack. May we honor your Teutonic heritage by calling you “Hans”? And shall we pronounce your surname SHTOYF, even though that looks like a cybersprach acronym? LOL! YMMV! SHTOYF!!!

  11. Jack, bubby, listen. If you really want your readers to follow you (home), you should occasionally respond to a few things they say in the comments. This is what Ken and Jim (RIP) do/did, and it is essentially why shortshortshorts has a girlfriend (don’t know who that is? you will). To repeat, we are all horny studmuffins here, but if we don’t get some attention, we’ll all cry and forget who you are.

    P.S. Trucknutz.

  12. [re=600297]Radiotherapy[/re]: And for going Godwin this early in a welcome aboard post, you win… A NEW CAR!!!!!

    In other news, there’s a new guy?

  13. [re=600290]chascates[/re]: You assume there’s money at The Onion, eh?

    [re=600292]Radiotherapy[/re]: Originally had an umlaut (Stüf). Was changed at the Canadian version of Ellis Island.

    [re=600301]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: I am not a ginger. I REPEAT: NOT A GINGER. I have blond hair and blue eyes. MASTER RACE, NOT GINGER.

    [re=600304]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Nope. Always plenty of lolz to be had at the expense of the douchey and weird at Georgetown.

    [re=600307]plowman[/re]: I think I already have a favorite commenter!

    [re=600316]facehead[/re]: LOOK!

  14. well i very much doubt you wrote either ‘clinton sends very special forces to gulf’ or ‘killing wheelchair bound people with missiles is awesome’ or ’37 punk bands change name to miami relatives’

    ed. note: if you did, rock on.

    as you were probably four or five at the time, but welcome anyway and those are some good creds.

    we look forward to mean smart nihilistic ginger things.

  15. There’s a Gmail account ( for your new writer, so you can send him pictures of your sexual organs or vicious Sam Alito rumors.

    What about pictures of Alito’s sexual organs?

  16. [re=600325]Jim89048[/re]: yeah, I hate him too. Daily reading of Wonkette posts and on occasion posting myself are the sole two accomplishments of my entire life. Looking forward to my eminent and bitter hagdom. Fuck the whippersnappers!

  17. Well, Jackie, m’boy, I appreciate the exclamation points and occasional all caps, but easy on the linky-poos. Also, if you’re not a ginger, fuck off.

  18. What can an oldster add to the warm, wonkette welcome? Except, if you use the twatter, Ken didn’t acually interview you in person and doesn’t realize that you’re on old Republican or that white pimp felon dude who singlehandedly destroyed the soul-sucking AKORN, so thank you.

    Because the news from my home state makes me puke, I don’t read it and have to depend on “my” wonkette to keep me informed of Spooky Sen Doktor Tom’s and Crazy Jim Inhofe’s wacky reactionary shenanigans. You don’t have to use your funny bone to make the shit they say HIlarious, so writing about the dust bowl is the same as a vacation.

  19. [re=600331]Jack Stuef[/re]: You are goddamn ginger if we goddamn say you are.

    [re=600349]DustBowlBlues[/re]: I thought it was spelled AKKKORN

  20. I see that wonkette facebook fan sidebar and think I should be one, but can’t bear to humiliate my grown children by having their mother identified as one of the potty-mouthed losers on the wonkette.

    This has nothing to do with New Guy (fuck his goofy last name) but is a moral quandary I felt oddly compelled to share.

  21. Ken told you that thing about the wonkette email address? Did he at least teach you the secret Wonkette handshake? (Hint: it involves anal intercourse.) Good luck, Jack. Jim Newell is dead to me. Okay no, maybe I’ll check one more time to see if he’s ‘found his voice’ at Gawker yet.

  22. Also, how dare you satirize those who still hold racist viewpoints in 2009? Have you no decency, man? It’s 2010: whole new batch of crazies.

  23. Embrace the ginger, Jack. And that whole German heritage bit is obviously nonsense—which is just as well, since Germans may be “funny”, but they don’t have a sense of humor.

    “Stuef” probably came from your surly Scottish grandfather telling the customs agents to “stuff it” in his thick Scottish brogue.

  24. [re=600345]the problem child[/re]: Re: links: Does this concern all my posts so far or just this one in which I wanted to impress you?

    [re=600348]Katydid[/re]: People are demanding pixx from me, yet I have received nothing in that inbox I set up for such things. WHOEVER WANTS 2 TRADE PIXX, U SEND FIRST.

    [re=600351]imissopus[/re]: Truth.

    [re=600352]VoteJoe[/re]: Look heathens! Onion great and book-writing man Joe Garden has graced you with his presence. You don’t deserve it.

    [re=600389]imissopus[/re]: Shoot me if I ever become a member of Congress.

    And to everyone calling me a ginger after I expressly informed you I am not: It shall not bother me, though you can keep trying.

  25. [re=600389]imissopus[/re]: Welcome to being young and college-aged in 2010. We have heard of this thing called “opportunity”, but we’re not entirely sure what it is.

  26. [re=600399]PsycGirl[/re]: Though Smoove B is always first in my heart, Amber Richardson is my favourite (semi) regular ONION columnist.

    I almost have to think, too, that one of those babies was fathered by the H-Dog His Damn Self, Herbert Kornfeld, Accountz Receevable Supervisor.

    RIP H-Dog Mourn Ye Til I Join Ye

  27. “he also worked for Bill Richardson in Iowa the summer after his freshman year”

    I’m going to assume you consider Wonkette a step up?

  28. [re=600397]Jack Stuef[/re]: Ginger, no lo siento; what of your circadian rhythm? That Neuwell was a night owl, fuck yeah! Or are you just excited about your willkommen abend?

  29. Welcome to Wonkette, Jack! If you want people to stop calling you ginger, you should send a pic or mock PUMA websites – they will post your picture.

  30. Blonds do have more fun when you are a guy as we continue to have blondish hair for at least 10 years after your friends with dark hair have been coloring theirs. The blue eyes help too. The nom de plume is from my Alma mater–Jayhawk2.0 beat me to that one–then I remembered they actually had/have that damned dead horse in their Natural History Museum–hundreds of miles from where he became famous. Anyway, welcome! Further, many of us remember Nixon and Reagan–when they ran for governor.

  31. Dear Mr. JS:
    When you write your satirical yet poignant pieces for our dear Wonkette, remember us in the rusty breadbasket of America where you come from, you former fake news writer from some fancy East Coast University that produces the best fake political scientists and barristers money can buy. (I read some really good fake news in the Freep and Detroit magazine once when I passed out on the floor of Greektown Casino)
    Belcome Award Jacko!

  32. When you left your old gig, did you tell people it was “to spend more time with your family”?

    Surely, you didn’t tell them you were going to make blingees and recycle tired memes into ad hominems for a living?

  33. Hail, fellow English major! Isn’t it wonderful to not be qualified for anything that actually makes you money?

    My only advice: never, ever enter the Layne Desert Compound, and certainly don’t go on a walk with Ken into the desert! You’ll never return… ALIVE!

  34. [re=600351]imissopus[/re]: Sam Alito does not have sexual organs. Quit spreading vicious rumors.

    I am pretty sure an egglayer that injects live young into an unsuspecting victim definitely counts as a sexual organ.

  35. Welcome, Jack! With all due apologies, I can finally stop trying to figure out what anagram I was supposed to be making out of “Jack Stuef” (something “fetus” something, I don’t know).

    And Wonkette, If you’re making some sort of sick joke, and there is no Spy magazine reboot, I’m going home to cry.

  36. Dear Jack,

    I met Bill Richardson at a 2006 campaign event at the Holiday Inn Express Annex (were you there?). He has a limp handshake.

    My friend and I were filling in for the DJ at said Annex while the DJ did whatever DJs do when they “step out for a moment” and we got thrown out of the venue (and he lost his job) for telling the Mayor’s wife that she has lame taste in music (which she does). We were momentarily embarrassed, but then we remembered that Bill Richardson has a limp handshake. Jeje.




  37. [re=600296]Wonderman[/re]: yes, our Wonkette is becoming an Animal House. It does need a feminine touch, but perhaps Ken can’t attract one?

    [re=600348]Katydid[/re]: Cool, girl! I like the new ‘tude!

    [re=600397]Jack Stuef[/re]: Just hoping you’re not someone I knew a little too, um, well, a little while back? Plus, I raise your unemployment worth and double your ineffectiveness at getting hired: Double major in English/History plus Masters Degree— Kiss of Death.
    But welcome, anyway, for the short time you’ll probably be here….

  38. PS – Hey Kitty Pope, why do you Always let the new folks comment ad infinitum before you do us the courtesy of an intro? I mean, a little Miss Manners couldn’t hurt, right? Sheesh.

  39. I was going to ask whether Steuf wanted pix of male or female sexual organs in his email box. But then I realized, “How can that possibly matter? This is Wonkette!”

  40. Good to met you young Master (race) Jack! Your enthusiasm is infectious and your hair is a weird color in that picture/expose. Does “strawberry blonde” work for you? I want to make nice.

    [re=600385]ShiningMathPath[/re]:” “Stuef” probably came from your surly Scottish grandfather telling the customs agents to “stuff it” in his thick Scottish brogue.” fucking hilarious.

  41. [re=600401]rocktonsammy[/re]: Ken outsourced the checking of Wonkette birf certificates to Oily Taintz Esq. She is relentless in the pursuit of truth. Besides, it leaves Ken more time to play with himself.

  42. [re=600400]Simba B[/re]: As more than a few of the folks in these parts can tell you, this recession does not discriminate based on age. But then, I was a film major who later earned an M.A. in Creative Writing, which is the graduate subject for people too lazy to go into an English program and read Jane Austen novels. Hell, I’m probably under-qualified to be commenting on Wonkette.

    [re=600427]glamourdammerung[/re]: I’m pretty sure intestinal parasites can reproduce asexually. Since Alito has never denied the fact that he is some sort of intestinal parasite, I assume it to be true.

  43. Welcome aboard Jack. I’ve found you funny yet informative so far. But from Detroit? Almost no one is from Detroit. Anyways, from a fellow Michigander, good luck.

  44. Nice butt.

    And thanks for the bio. Now, fetch Josh’s dry cleaning, you writhing, worthless maggot. Fetch! You disgust me.

    A degree in Government (and, pray, whose government exactly?) and English. About as useful as a degree in Finnish Art History and Bolivian Interpretative Dance. You disgust me. Truly.

  45. “I never thought I would be writing your magazine. I was working for Bill Richardson in Iowa the summer after my freshman year.”

    / Penthouse Forum’d

  46. [re=600453]FlipOffResearch[/re]: “I’ve found you funny yet informative so far.” Interesting qualifier. Anyhow, such won’t get you a letter of recommendation from Jack. A certain favor must first be given. You can be pitcher. Newell would want it that way.
    PS: You disgust me.

  47. [re=600455]S.Luggo[/re]: I think you got the butt right! Isn’t that the old GM HQ Building in Motown in the background? Location, location, location.

  48. In my experience, people who wear Christmas lights are otherwise naked, except for nipple clips with little bells dangling, and they sing “Jingle Bells.” Since you’ve provided only a head photo, I’ll assume you’re in compliance. Welcome!

  49. Bill Richardson was my favorite candidate back when he was running. And then of course — poof. He was like the cute girl on Survivor who gets voted off too quick. But whatever, this one’s working out okay — I was worried his lack of executive experience would make him sloppy sometimes, but hell — he just made BP promise to put twenty billion dollars in escrow with no real leverage to speak of, didn’t he? I mean, how does a motherfucker do that? I know I couldn’t write those motherfuckers a letter saying “put twenty fucking billion dollars in escrow or else — um — I’ll be mad at you” and even think about getting away with it. Motherfucker says “open sesame” and there it is.
    Anyway, as William Butler Yeats said, “Too much something-or-other makes a stone of the heart.” We coulda been bitter about Bill Richardson, but the greater goal was achieved when we let go of that. What I really mean, though, is happy Bloomsday. And welcome.

  50. [re=600476]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That’s all well and good, but where’s the anger? We haven’t seen anger yet! Not even a clenched jaw! Clench the jaw, you uppity Kenyan usurper! Own that spill!

    Whew, channeled MoDo for a second there. I’m better now.

  51. [re=600478]imissopus[/re]: Everyone’s Irish today. Speaking of which, I can’t let go without mentioning the public apology that PM Cameron made on the issuance of the Bloody Sunday report. I’m impressed that he was frank and unqualifying in the admission that the UK paras were without justification. It’s been a long time coming, and it was greeted with tears of joy in every county of the Irish Republic and Northern Ireland alike.

    “Too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart.”
    — WB Yeats, “Easter, 1916”

  52. [re=600494]SayItWithWookies[/re]: So we can look forward to forty years from now when President Trig apologizes for Guantanamo and Bagram and that whole “indefinite detention” thing?

  53. [re=600502]imissopus[/re]: I don’t much care for Cameron’s economics, but his humble and fact-based approach to the Saville Report was light years beyond the neanderthal xenophobic idiocy that Thatcher displayed and which many considered her best feature. I do not disagree with them. No President Trig will ever apologize for anything, as we well know from the previous administration. Cameron at least displayed a spark of humanity, as though he could at least imagine walking in someone else’s shoes. Neither Thatcher nor any previous Tory has shown evidence of actual caring, so it’s nice to see.

  54. Jack, you should have held out for that official @wonkette email address in contract negotiations (ha! as if you had any choice at all about taking the job in this economy – what are they paying you? a can of pringles per day and a staff-shared box of tissues for wiping up the tragic tears of your ennui and disillusionment? and post-squeezer cleanup of course.)

    any company that doesn’t give you an official @domain email is just waiting for an excuse to fire you! but they’ll still get their “small-business” tax credit for creating a job (this was the nation’s one non-government job created for the month of June). IRS trolls please refer wonkette for immediate investigation in the event of Jack’s untimely dismissal.

    also, too.

  55. I knew Jim Newell, Newell was friend of mine. You sir are… Blah balh blah.
    You know the rest.
    Welcome aboard Jack.
    and now some questions!

    What kind of Furry are you?
    Have you ever kissed a girl?
    Does your bicycle have more than 2 wheels?
    Do you think Prias are cool?
    Ginger or Maryann?
    Shemp or Curly?

  56. Writing your own welcome post must have the same weird feel to it as writing and e-mailing the invitations to the birthday party that you are throwing for yourself. Which is exactly what I did last week! Necessary, but awkward. So, you’ll fit in just fine here. Also, the country’s best Jack also hails from Detroit — Jack White — so the bar is set high, my friend…

  57. [re=600352]VoteJoe[/re]:

    Nicely played. He definitely has a face for radio.

    Just kidding, gingerbread.


    Soon he’ll be “walking the Appalachian Trail” with Nikki Haley.

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