why we need presidential elections every four months

Obama No Longer Good At Talking, Should Probably Resign

Your mouth should stop now.The reviews are in for the president’s big Oval Office speech last night, and the consensus is “Meh, this is stupid, why did I watch this stupid thing, this is stupid.” If the pundit class is bored of his speeches, can Obama really continue to be president? Probably not.

John Dickerson looked at the fanfic version of the speech he wrote before Obama started and noted that the president failed to sprinkle magic dust on the dead animals of the ocean and order them to swim back to the Gulf and use good old-fashioned teamwork to plug the leak and beat up BP workers. Instead of taking charge, Obama just sort of updated us on the situation. BORING, NEXT PRESIDENT PLEASE.

Over on MSNBC, everyone was like “Eww, gross, WHERE IS THE LEADERSHIP?” Howard Fineman said, “He wasn’t specific enough.” Keith Olbermann said, “It was a great speech if you were on another planet for the last 57 days.” Har har har. Chris Matthews whined, “I don’t sense executive command and I was constantly looking at the screen and thinking this is a black man. This man is black.”

Some guy at Powerline bragged about reading the speech at an airport, so he “might have misjudged its impact,” but it seemed to him that it was “UNINSPIRING at best.” He also titled his post “OBAMA’S LONG NOSE,” so he maybe has never seen Obama and thinks he’s Jewish or something, RACISTLY. James Fallows at The Atlantic bragged about having to see the speech on tape delay because he’s in China, but his “untutored reaction from the other side of the world is: Sigh.”

Related video

So RIP, Obama’s speech-making skillz, 2004-2010. It was fun while it lasted but now is so le sigh. Talking ability was the only thing that made you interesting so now WE’RE SICK OF THIS, NEW PRESIDENT TIME.

Thankfully the last person still covering the 2008 election, Dana Milbank, has a solution: Hillary Clinton is now polling ahead of Obama. Yay, we have a new president! Inaugurate that lady BUT DON’T LET STUPID OBAMA TALK AT THE CEREMONY.

Related

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

89 comments

  1. chascates

    Hey, remember the LAST President? Who could barely write his name in the dirt with a stick? Remember stratergy?

  2. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Chris Matthews whined, “I don’t sense executive command and I was constantly looking at the screen and thinking this is a black man. This man is black.”

    Meh, Tweety. Nice case of penis envy you’re displaying there, also.

  3. Scarab

    During the speech the majority of American’s said, “I don’t see how the Celtics can come back in game seven with Kobe playing that way.”

  4. ManchuCandidate

    The chattering classes have a long track record of being right about many things, you know. Their judgment, wisdom and character are so brilliant and should NEVER be questioned. We should all take comfort and grovel in the aura of their brilliance.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    Today I’m kinda wondering why he didn’t wait a day to give that speech — he could’ve announced that BP had agreed to put $20 billion in escrow to cover the damages.
    But whatever — President Obama’s approval rating is at something like 46%, which is failure if you’re a Democrat. He might never achieve Dubya’s leaderlike 23% at this rate.

  6. Advocatus_Diaboli

    The important question is whether anyone (besides Professor Gates) still wants to have a beer with Nobama.

  7. P Drizzle

    I forgot that he was black whilst watching said speech because I was too busy focusing on the fact that he is gay. So racism is dead.

  8. V572625694

    So, Fallows used to work for Carter and Tweety did too. They’d like to see Obamar do something like Jimmy did in his cardigan-sweater speech. That was awesome!

  9. slappypaddy

    was matthews finally noticing? was his point that he is an unobservant journalist? does he think this sets him apart from most of the others?

  10. Zadig

    No seriously, if there’s gonna be a revolution, can we get these assholes against the wall first? Then we can all speculate for 24-hours tv cycles on whether their dying screams appeal to the American electorate.

  11. penalcolony

    The line that really cracks me up: “If we can put a man on the moon, why can’t we stop the leak?”

    Armstrong and Aldrin landed EIGHT YEARS (and some months) after JFK’s speech . . .

  12. Aurelio

    Hillary Clinton is now polling ahead of Obama.
    I wonder what Hildebeest would have done about the spill. I believe her usual response to unwanted spills is to throw a lamp at the perpetrator.

  13. tencentcomic

    Hey, these pundits and media whores don’t think there’s an audience unless they criticize the Obammer. They need attention and believe that complimenting the President on his approach would be way too soft out there in Internet land.

  14. Lazy Media

    What’s funny is that people will read that Tweety “quote” and think, “Sure, he probably actually said that. Meh. It’s Tweety.”

  15. you didn't ask, but

    I’m feeling pissy but love Wonketters b/c this is a lovely sarcastic read through their bullshit. Pundits, stop looking to be entertained! Shit, go to Cinemax when you’re off camera and at work. This was an update. The guy has been at the Gulf a bunch of times and is genuinely distressed that things aren’t better. He could outdo Bush’s bullhorn rambling in his fucking sleep. (Maybe he does?) The fact that he didn’t go grandstanding and let BP know the gloves were off during the speech probably made them finally commit to ponying up the pittance of $20b.

    He’s not our daddy to kiss our/BP’s boo-boo! Jeezus funkin’ for Jamaica Crimminy. Grow the fuck up!

    This spill/volcano/geyser shit is horrible and the fact that we listen to the country’s chief administrator and don’t feel happy about it is good. The only thing that can be done right now is financial compensation, trying to get a handle on these grossly inadequate remedies to stop the leak and try abate some of this disgusting mess.

    As far as Hills is concerned, if their roles were exactly reversed, the pundits would be saying the same thing about the other. HRC is Secy of State and is not involved w/ this domestic catastrophe. Grass is always greener, lazy journos. BTW, why aren’t more culpable asshole Republicans being asked about their anti-regulatory complicity after Barry’s speech instead of this bullshit horserace/debate team scoring bullshit.

    Sorry. I’m in a foul/oil-fowled mood w/ this speech shit and this confederacy and militia shit today. :-( Make me feel better w/ some stupid-shit-a-Palin-said/did-today Jack Stuef! (BTW, didn’t she “respond” to this speech or something?)

  16. nappyduggs

    O, how they shall all rue their criticism, because now Obama’s new speech doctor is none other than Paul Mooney.

    It’s.going.down.

  17. stew

    Since two former democratic pres/vice pres candidates Kerry and Lieberman just took it up the ass from the oil companies–well, we’re fucked.

  18. Capricatony

    Funny cuz through the whole speech I was thinking “this is too wonky for average dumbass Americans.” Pundits can’t seem to figure out that the president is not addressing a pundit convention. Or maybe they think all Americans have someone do their hair and makeup before going off to their jobs as attention craving gasbags.

  19. bfstevie

    Silly Wonketteers! The problem was that Rahm forgot to hang the giant “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” banner behind the desk. Also, Barry should have been wearing one of those Tyvek suits, washing off the last injured, and now well, pelican.

  20. MrTeaBag

    the reason everyone hated the speech is that obama actually called on americans to sacrifice. that doesn’t go over nearly as well these days as it did back in JFK’s or FDR’s day.

    wait, i’m supposed to be snarky, aren’t i?

  21. Lazy Media

    So, is Jack Stuef real, or just a Layne pseudonym so the site doesn’t seem so abandoned/intern-infested? I’m thinking the latter. WHERE’S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE, “JACKSED U OFF????!

  22. JMP

    Many of the pundits think the speech was a failure because Obama didn’t seem angry enough; yes, he should have just ranted and raved like he was one of them, that would go over real well and certainly wouldn’t have caused any teabagger types to call him an angry black man.

    [re=599890]chascates[/re]: When W spoke, as long as he managed to avoid tripping and falling on his face the speech was judged not a horrendous embarrassment, and therefore a success.

  23. Baldar T Flagass

    You Didn’t Ask, But: HRC is Secy of State and is not involved w/ this domestic catastrophe.

    So, she’s shopping for shoes and catching the revival of Spamalot?

  24. freakishlystrong

    Oh yeah, and fuck you Tweety, and your big love letter to 2% of the population tonight. The Rise of the New Right or whateva. They’re NOT rising and this crazy is nothing “new” for the right wing. See: Clinton, Bill. Quit covering these fringe lunatics and maybe they’ll go away. But..y’know ratings.

  25. you didn't ask, but

    [re=599956]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: Damn! You went there? :-) Update your game, Flagass, *La Cage*, dude.

  26. coolcatdaddy

    I think the problem with Obama’s speech was that there was really nothing new that we hadn’t heard before.

    It was a bit like listening to a manager spew platitudes after some big disaster at the company sales meeting – someone with no original ideas and just trying to “rally the team”. All that was missing were the PowerPoint slides.

    Say hello to your new CEO President Overlord.

  27. BlueStateLiberal

    [re=599953]JMP[/re]: W actually locating the correct exit door off stage was also considered a “huge success.”

  28. Gorillionaire

    So to summarize: 1. Damn this shit is fucked up. 2. Remember clean energy? Still a good idea. 3. Sacrifice people, jesus hamilton christ already.

  29. freakishlystrong

    [re=599967]Gorillionaire[/re]: The can’t get 60 votes out of the Senate for it. Because y’know, under a Democratic majority, 60 is the new 40.

  30. Oblios Cap

    They’re just jealous because Obama has a purty mouth nad talks in high-falootin’ language. Squeal, boy.

  31. Heq

    I was really hoping he would come in dragging someone from BP kicking and screaming.
    Then he would proceed to choke them with his left hand while feeding them a series of right jabs to the nose, before turning their bloody face to the camera and saying “Listen up Hayward, this could be you. No more fuck ups, do you hear me, I will find your children and eat them!”

  32. Gorillionaire

    [re=599959]freakishlystrong[/re]: Tweety is like the Jay Leno of news shows. Tweety is suddenly on to the “new right” the same way that Leno is all like “hey we should get Betty White on the show! Did you hear she hosted SNL?”

  33. Limeylizzie

    Poor Hopey, he can’t be too angry or they will call him the Angry Black Man and if he’s not angry enough he’s a weakling, I hope Michelle gave him a huge pity fuck last night.

  34. Heq

    Fuck it, Mike Tyson and Lawrence Taylor are out of work.

    Hire them to “Motivate” BP, or make them president. I could totally go for president Lawrence Taylor.

  35. Manos: Hands of Fate

    You know why Hillary is more popular than Obama? Cause these above mentioned ass hats stopped chipping away at her with their inane bullshit for the last two years. I also heard that William McKinley recently pulled ahead of Obama in the popularity contest.

  36. Ablington

    What happened to his cute little Gen Y speechwriter? Fucking Gen Y, can’t do anything right.

  37. Ruhe

    [re=599962]coolcatdaddy[/re]: And by “nothing new” you mean what, he didn’t promise to unleash the secret magic oil slick eating rainbow dragons? I for one would welcome a competent CEO President Overlord. And don’t dis PowerPoint. PowerPoint doesn’t bore people. People bore people.

  38. S.Luggo

    Back the fuck off, Big Media. Goddam Rhetoric is not goddam taught in goddam Kenya’s madrasas. Besides, Barry was forced to skip a grade.

    You want Pericles? Go hire some shit ass Greek economist.

    [re=599890]chascates[/re]: If only. Then at least things would be claritified.

  39. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=599927]Lazy Media[/re]: It’s funny because it’s true. Besides that, Tweety hectoring Barry about lack of executive command is like Catholic priests hectoring homosexuals about buttsex.

  40. sati demise

    WTF is next for this battered USA?

    Like Barry did not have enough catastrophe on his plate before the oil volcano….

  41. Dean Booth

    Obama is like the abusive spouse who writes love poetry. Once the poetry goes, the marriage is over.

  42. mumblyjoe

    [re=599959]freakishlystrong[/re]: Didn’t you hear, though? The 1930′s and 1950′s -i.e, those spots in history where this “new” conservatism were super-popular- are in, and trendy now, again. At least amongst insufferable people, like hipsters.

  43. BobTheBuilder

    If only we’d elected Sarah and that old dude, who’d probably be dead by now, none of this would have happened. And we’d have Dutch dikes all along the Gulf Coast.

  44. Johnny Zhivago

    Time to bring on President Sarah Palin.

    She talks real good, has fantastic leadership skills (like all mama grizzlies). Just like Meg Whitman wasn’t afraid to punch some lady in the face, Sarah would probably have shot the CEO of BP and mounted his head over her desk by now.

    Rand Paul would make a great Vice President – put him in charge of shutting down the rest of the government and ordering revolutionary war uniforms for our military, which would be cut down to maybe 100 or so troops + a drum and bugle corps.

  45. Guppy06

    [re=600016]BobTheBuilder[/re]: “And we’d have Dutch dikes all along the Gulf Coast.”

    Now that’s something that’d get me voting for Palin!

    Oh, wait, you mean levees. Nevermind.

  46. smellyal8r

    Ya know, I really wanted to like this speech. Watching him though was like watching my mortgage loan officer walk me through the most important points at closing. I think the best television speech Hopey gave was the one where he had to burn off campaign funds so he sat on the edge of his desk and told us why he was better than Whatshisname and Moose Lady. Mo Dowd gripes and moans that he doesn’t have any passion, but he could have said “A lot of this is due to 20 long years of leaving the car companies and the oil companies in charge of our domestic agenda. Every President since Eisenhower has let this happen. We are going to fix it, but it is going to take all of us in agreement. Call your House member and your Senator tonight and tell them to get off their fat asses and work with me to fix our dependence on oil”. Also.

  47. The Silver Fox

    If it were detailed, he’d be the elitist Harvard-educated law professor. If he were emotional, he was be feigning anger. If the friggin’ Holy Spirit whispered the exact right thing God wanted him to say right before the speech, the punditry would be upset. Being ‘over’ this President is sooo hot right now.

  48. Snarkalicious

    [re=599986]Ruhe[/re]: That’s a matter of opinion, actually. Is it the responsibility of the presenter that Power Point encourages one to substitute shitty clip-art for personality? Herr Speer might have a few arguments to make against you on that point.

  49. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    Well said. Totes love the new guy. Would have his children if, you know, I had ovaries.

  50. southern mark smith

    [re=600016]BobTheBuilder[/re]: Speaking of “fuck you, Tweety”, he just said, live, on the air, to the MSNBC audience, that “Sarah Palin may be right about this.” Way to legitimize the “rise of the new right”. Fuck you very much, Tweety.

    guh.

  51. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    [re=600044]southern mark smith[/re]: Ah, Tweetz is probably bitter cuz his stupid ass special got drowned out by some inadequate black male.

  52. Dolmance

    Christ almighty, the guy went on TV and basically called for the whole goddamn country to step up and make a Manhattan Project like effort to get everyone’s obese ass off the Middle East tit, and the collective response is like three hundred million screeching bitches on the rag at the same time.

    How I hate you all. It’s in my bones now. How I hate you.

  53. problemwithcaring

    [re=599962]coolcatdaddy[/re]: Your comments about audio/visual presentations is weird because pundits all over the internet have been bemoaning the fact that he didn’t have “better imagery” and “pictures”. Another one said the problem with the speech was that it was “missing PowerPoint slides.”

    So now I am confused. Should I read the internet more or less to know whether Obama is a bad President or the worst president?

  54. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    I think the only thing that lets me even try to sleep at night these days is imagining if it were President McCain instead of President Obama. Does everyone realize we probably would have unloaded half our nuclear arsenal at the damn hole by now?

  55. Mr Blifil

    This is what happens when Presidents only make it with their actual wives. Assuming he hasn’t gone full Spitzer yet…

  56. AxmxZ

    You brought this on yourself, Barry. You thought you were getting elected President, but it’s more like Daddy-in-Chief to a nation of tantrum-throwing toddlers. (The media is the squealing.)

  57. chauncey

    [re=599892]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: wait that was wonkette kidding about that, right? like ol’ Jimmy used to kid? bein’ funny, making stuff up? i only care and ask because i thought it was very funny (like when Jimmy did it, remember? remember when he said Waxman said “Fuck You People Up the Butt”?)

    i don’t want to watch the clip and actually hear that, and have it not be funny because it’s real…

  58. The Silver Fox

    [re=600051]Dolmance[/re]: Meh. But what is he doing to plug the hole? And ZOMG did Sarah Palin just write a new facebook post? It’s been 1.5 years since and economic meltdown – why hasn’t Obamar gotten everyone buying multiple houses and cars on credit cards, which is the true American way?

    If people who lived through the Depression weren’t so old and infirm, I wish they would just kick the shit out of this sad lot of whiny Americans.

  59. NopantsMcGee

    It’s time like this I want America to suffocate under waves and waves of crude oil. Serve us right.

  60. Ducksworthy

    [re=599942]bfstevie[/re]: And wearing Eldrige Cleaver pants, that being the black version of the flight suit.

  61. mustardman

    It wouldn’t be the same stupid media echo chamber looking to manufacture some unimportant angle from all this without Tweety Matthews saying something dumb…as usual!

  62. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    [re=600119]AxmxZ[/re]: yes, but would they also advocate sending in a hundred thousand troops?

  63. AxmxZ

    [re=600189]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: The troops can clean the beaches. Any way you look at it, these are better uses for the military than what they’re up to currently.

  64. rocktonsammy

    I always thought Tweety was Mika.

    MSNBC has lost its usefulness. I don’t watch that channel to much anymore except for that dude thats on after Keef.

  65. GOPCrusher

    NEEDZ MOAR “Tony, stop this leak or I’ll whip out my 9 and bust a cap in yo ass, mo fo!”

  66. artpepper

    [re=600051]Dolmance[/re]: the guy went on TV and basically called for the whole goddamn country to step up and make a Manhattan Project like effort

    Obama’s single biggest flaw, and I say this with total absense of snark, is that he honestly seems to believe the United States is still capable of running a Manhattan-Project-like-anything. That stuff is for up-and-coming world powers, not decadent old fin de siècle powers.

  67. notreallyhelping

    He’s boring! He sucks, he sucks, he sucks, he…. Oh, wait. Look a check for $20 billion. And the chairman of the world’s largest gas company just publically apologized to the American people. And BP’s not paying dividends this year, so their investors are paying for their liability too. Oh. Hmm.

    He’s boring! He sucks, he sucks, he….

Comments are closed.