Hello again, Tony Hayward here, chiming in with a quick update on the troubles in your Gulf waters. Still not quite all wrapped up down there, with the well continuing to bleed a bit of oil, but we’re working 24/7, should have the difficulties under control rather soon now. Certainly by summer’s end, very unlikely to continue beyond that point. Would still be summer in the Southern Hemisphere, no doubt there, if not in the Northern Hemisphere. Quite a busy day morning for me, as well! I’m here in Washington, lovely capital city you’ve got here, and shortly I’ll meet your president. A great honor for me, it should be, meeting your first black president.
Now we’ve heard a bit of chatter from the press about President Obama being “angry” or “furious” at BP, or even me, personally, and I think we’ll be able to quickly see eye to eye and understand the media does like to print a lot of toff. The Business of America is Business, that’s what I always heard as a young man, when Lady Thatcher and your President Reagan helped right the world from near catastrophe. How quickly we forget, as my old mum says. Youth today can have no idea what it was like, the blackouts and reading by candlelight, car parks empty in the City, bloody Arabs quadrupled the price of oil in what, a fortnight? Add the IRA terrorists blowing pubs to smithereens and the Bolshy union fanatics shutting down the coal mines, might as well’ve been the Dark Ages, right?
I’m just a simple geologist, working to make the world a better place. Even in the States, some of you must recall the gas lines and turning down the thermostat to 64 F in wintertime or whatever it was, certainly no fun for anyone. BP didn’t cause the accident, of course — that was the fault of Deepwater Horizon and whatever other American firms — but you have our word that as long as we’re a going business concern, we’ll do our best to tidy up your swamplands.
But the crucial thing, for our shareholders, is to remember that not so many years ago it was Shell on top, and we aggressively went after the old boys and today BP is the No. 1 oil company in Europe, not Shell, and it’s a bit funny that shareholders and the business hacks complained about my 40% pay increase in 2008, but they certainly had no complaints about their dividends and the share value, did they?
Well, here we are at the White House. Quite an impressive palace, and I do look forward to meeting your president. I’m quite sure he’ll be a good fellow and we’ll get on famously. Everyone in our position does need to perform a bit for the telly, of course, but after work we’re all the best of mates.
Previously: Introducing Our New Oil-Spill Columnist, BP CEO Tony Hayward
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Twaddle.
[re=599678]WarAndG[/re]: Twaddle or utter piffle? Bit of a brow-furrower, that.
As Jon Stewart (I think) said, Supercalifragilistifuckyou, Tony.
And while you’re in Washington, old bean, do drop on on that dear Michele Bachmann. The old gal says you would be a “chump” to concede to that bantu man in the White House. (http://voices.washingtonpost.com/right-now/2010/06/bachmann_to_bp_dont_be_chumps.html)
How very droll, eh, what? But I prattle on.
Y’know, I’d really like to comment here, but I won’t. Because I’m brown. And therefore racist against white CEOs. And therefore unwilling to even speak to such a person. Even though I’m nearly half white, myself. Such is the depth of my rage for the white man.
Oh, go suck a bag of salted bloody bollocks.
i think it’s great he’s going to sit down with the president and that cop for a beer.
What a stickey wicket I’m in. If we can just “manage the press a bit” I believe we can stop this right away. I’m getting a little tired of seeing that same oil soaked bird over and over, obviously only one bird was affected so wats the big deal?
[re=599700]mumblyjoe[/re]: Chris Matthews asked me to tell you he’d forgotten you were brown for awhile. Now you’ve gone and crammed it down his throat.
Yes, the good old days of Maggie and Ronnie:
http://www.dangerousminds.net/index.php/site/comments/bay_city_rollers._ann_margaret_the_best_audience_you_will_ever_see_in_/
From the photo, I’d say it looks like Mr. Hayward has been enjoying a little Dirty Sanchez with the Washington elite.
You know when he opens up his briefcase to show Barry another Big Plan, oil will slosh out over everything. He looks too much like Mr Bean not to.
free oil for everyone, spewing up out of the seabed and there for the taking, and all the bloody yanks can do is whinge about it.
Yo, Tony! Just remember to stay on topic and don’t ask Barry if you can blow his vuvuzela. It won’t help.
If there’s a task that must be done, don’t turn your tail and run, don’t pout, don’t sob…Just do a half assed job!
Tony!
You know, I think it’s just wonderful how H.W. Bush and John Major and the rest introduced the concept of the 401(k) and managed to get pension plans diverted into the stock market. At this point, 40% of all British working people’s retirements are tied into your stock! Oh, the wonder of it all!
The average Briton would be horrified, of course, but that massive injection of cash from all those workers helped put you over and above the competition, and now, of course, you have the delightful chance to ruin them, and your government. Do, though, keep reminding us that it’s not “British” Petroleum, that it’s “BP,” because that will assuage all our consciences and appetites. It will, in fact, help resolve the increased national debt that will accrue when all those “pensioners” (quaint word, isn’t it? there are no pensions anymore!) suddenly go on the dole while your company becomes “Pee on B Inc.” or something else.
You have some holdings outside of the UK and USA, I understand? I few vacation homes? I think those might not be vacation homes anymore. You might want to be as international as your assets now. As your corporation has no actual home, you, too, may wish to start flowing.
Be sure and take the KY Jelly with you Tony, and remember what the Dr. said, the more you bend over the less it hurts. Cheerio old Chap.
tony hayward is the dreamiest. i met him once!! i squealed and nearly fainted dead away. i have a tony hayward action figure, a tony wayward picture in my locker (covered in lipstick kisses, of course!), and a tony hayward pillowcase i like to cuddle up with at night. don’t be the last on your block to have the complete collection of tony hayward toys, collectibles and souvenirs! i mean sure, right now tony hayward mania has gripped the nation and it seems like you can’t swing an oily dead pelican without hitting something tony hayward related, but it won’t go on forever and in ten years or so tony hayward memorabilia will be worth TONS of money! WE HEART YOU TONY.
tony hayward fever: catch it!
[re=599700]mumblyjoe[/re]: [re=599709]Katydid[/re]: It should be noted that I won’t speak to this guy because of my racist hatred of the race of white CEOs, but also am also probably buddies (conspiratorial buddies!) with Warren Buffett and George Soros, who are white, and CEOs, but who totally don’t count, because they’re basically commies. Even though the latter of the two actual spent millions of his personal fortune fighting the commies, to greater impact than Ronniecakes had, while being President.
So, in conclusion, I hate the white CEO man so much that I won’t even talk to him, except that a number of white CEOs happen to be buddies of mine, and we’re in a Communist conspiracy to remake the country, even though one of those billionaire capitalists is also a famous Commie-fighter, too.
And I’m not sure exactly how, but I think Woodrow Wilson and the Rockefellers (also all members of the white CEO race that fills me with so much rage I’m unable to speak) are probably involved. Also.
[re=599705]widget09[/re]: … If we can just “manage the press a bit” I believe we can stop this right away…
Some Congressman said the BP oil response plan included 9 pages on spill clean up and 40 pages on media relations. Seems that BP does have that whole press management problem well in hand.
Some faces are just there for the punching.
Hey fag, your national “football” team is a bunch of big fags, you British fag (redundant?). Your “keeper” should reconsider his observation of the nation-wide mandate to grease his gloves with oily black goo you all love so much on your toast.
[re=599839]Mr Blifil[/re]: Are you referring to the wondrous Marmite? I would like to shove a quart or two up his rectum, bet it would burn something awful.
[re=599705]widget09[/re]: Ahh, the Rumsfeld Gambit!
Dear Tony:
It’s terrible how BP is getting ripped by the greenie MSM. Terrible. It is as if they’ve never in their life dropped something and said oops. Uncaring sodomites.
But to my point. We operate a deep water drilling company and wish to do oil exploration off the coast of a state whose name rhymes with Alaspama. We’d like to hire either Pyush Jindal, the Republican National Committee, Haley Barbour and/or Mrs. Palin as our shill. Are we too late?
Sincerely,
Iran
The pile of dead Pelicans wants their lives back.
[re=599733]Geogre[/re]: “40% of all British working people’s retirements are tied into [BP] stock!” They also have very bad teeth. Connection?
Btw, why are we so surprised? This is the nation that gave us the Concorde, “Mr. Bean’s Holiday”, and (speaking of going up in flames) Amy Winehouse.
[re=599913]choinski[/re]: The oil spill has had no effect on lawn flamingos. Put THAT in your hash pipe and smoke it, yah hippie.
for further dialogue about whether finance and ethics are mutually exclusive tune into a live debate with Mark Williams Former Federal Reserve Regulator tonight at 7 pm (EST) on Bait and Switch TV. Register here: http://www.baitandswitchtv.com/debatesLive.html
oh STFU Tony.
I hope a dolphin blows a big gob of oil that smacks you in the face and chokes you.
I LOVE your graphic, Ken! That is f***ing perfect!
Stopped by for a spot of chai with the President. Awfully civilised fellow. His wife’s a bit of alright to, by the way.
Can’t stop thinking about the tragedy… Cut me to the quick it has…. Blasted goalkeeper – Letting one through like that to give your chaps a one-all draw. Sack the blighter, I say!
The what? Oh, the oil spill? We’re working on it, you know. Hoping to have the leak plugged soon. We’ve got a plan, you know… Don’t know what it is or how long it will take or whether it will work, but we’re working on it.
Well, got to run. The chaps are kicking off soon against Slovenia or Algeria or Freedonia or some other mob– I don’t really know who, but I have to be there to hold up the British end, you know.
Those people down in the Gulf think they’ve got problems. Those blasted vuvuzelas will probably give me a headache for a week.
Toodle-Pip then.
I always wondered what Bertie Wooster would have done for a living, presuming he went into the trades. Believe I know. Pity about Jeeves. A Jeeves would be helpful, now.
Whiney little bastard.
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