Americans are absolutely shattered over the tawdry end of the Gores’ marriage, and need affirmation that love is still possible, because otherwise the whole country’s going to turn to alcohol and cutting to restore meaning to life. Well, good news, everyone! High school dropout Levi Johnston and successful motivational speaker Bristol Palin have decided to reclaim the title of “Americas Sweethearts” that Al and Tipper so cavalierly threw away, according to the unimpeachable investigative journalists at Us Magazine!
So, who do you suppose was the one driving a wedge between these obviously made-for-each-other love birds? Who? Oh, go on, guess!
“Bristol and Levi are still very close,” a source close to Bristol, 19, tells Us. The eldest daughter to former Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin claimed in the June issue of Harper’s Bazaar that ex Johnston, 20, was “a stranger to me.”
But the source reveals, “Now that Mama Palin is out of the picture and Bristol is on her own in Anchorage, they spend more time together than most people think.”
Ha ha, Sarah Palin is too busy trying to grift her way into Margaret Thatcher’s will to regulate her daughter’s sexual behavior! (Two years ago she was too busy trying to run the state of Alaska in a conscientious fashion to do so, obviously.)
But wait, maybe the pair is just trying to spend more time together with li’l Tripp?
Adds the source: “Levi even stays overnight. I even think they are back together.”
OH SNAP THEY’RE TOTALLY DOIN’ IT!
Unlike every other idiot teenage couple who got knocked up in America, Bristol and Levi have publicists who talk to the national media when their romantic status changes. Bristol told “Good Morning America” that “Levi and I are turning a new page here as co-parents to this wonderful boy and putting aside the past because doing so is in Tripp’s best interest.” Levi’s manager, Tank Jones (wait, what?) told the AP that “the two are spending more time together for their son’s sake. But Jones says they’re not back together.” TRANSLATION: They are totally back together. SWOON! (Thanks to hopeless romantic “cpcates” for the tip!) [Us/ABC/AP]
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Bristol has learned from her mother that marrying a hunky idiot is a savvy career move.
I knew that the immolation of Touchdown Jesus foretold SOMETHING.
This is a total smack in the face for those of us who attended Bristol’s abstinence education classes.
Thank goodness. Now I can masturbate with my romance novels AND a healthy conscience.
Co-parents?
Someone has been reading self-help websites, haven’t they?
Can we still turn to alcohol and cutting? I mean, we can never have too much meaning, right?
Joe McGinniss should move next door to Bristol. That’s clearly where the action is.
Bumpin’ uglies eh? Predictions on what the next spawn will be named?
Stumbble ?
Hooter ?
Gear ?
Does Kathy Griffin know?
[re=599627]Terry[/re]: “Co-parents” like “co-conspirators,” are products of the Department of Redundancy Department. Catch ya later, gotta go to the ATM machine right now.
Like all two-bit carnival acts, they knew their old act of being totally clueless lowlifes having a classless breakup was no longer selling tickets or getting news attention. So, they’re on to Act II: The Reconciliation in the Best Interests of the Kid.
Don’t be surprised when they repeat Act I (cuz they are, afterall, too stupid to dream up a third scenario – all they know is lowbrow).
Hopefully, away from Sarah’s influence someone’s told them about a certain little rubber thing that can keep away any more special little angels.
Are we sure Tank Jones isn’t a distant Palin relative, with a name like that? Or maybe all Alaskans are required to name their children after inanimate objects or verbs and we here in the continental US just never noticed; hm I’m starting to suspect Jewel isn’t just a stage name.
[re=599623]dr.giraud[/re]:
whoawhoawhoa. Immolation?
I thought that was just a smiting.
Thank God that these disadvantaged children have US Magazine to use as a sort of primitive, Alaskan version of the Facebook relationship status update.
[re=599635]germansteel[/re]: With D-list celebrity couples, Act III is the leaked sex tape.
At least now Bristol knows where babies come from. Maybe.
Can’t this tired has-been couple just bypass the publicists and make a status update on Facebook like everyone else?
This is why you never, ever dis a friend or family member’s ex because when they get back together, you are the piece of shit who badmouothed their true love. If they do get back together, even marry, Sarah is going to look like a heinous bitch for badmouthing the father of her grandchild in the press.
Oh wait, she already does.
Water seeks its own level.
His “career” didn’t take off, and he has nothing better to do. Maybe this is also part of his “hush money” package? As wacky as that “hit too often with a puck” kid is, he was always spot on when he ratted out the Palins. He was the first to i.d. that the Grifter was a grifter.
[re=599621]doxastic[/re]: He is in the Todd mold, isn’t he? (Even getting together after getting the girlie knocked up. I wonder why/how Sarah’s so accepting of their cohabitation? Maybe Bristol didn’t want to get a real (non-tatoo) ring before and has changed her mind since.) The main difference between L and T is that Levi won’t be running things, including Bristol’s life behind the scenes like Todd is. Let’s hope the hockey kid has better taste in anchors he’ll be bedding in the future, too.
Speculatin’ on strangers is fun! I can hear Nadia’s theme in the background…
Jesus. Alaska must be some kind of nexus for bizarre names.
[re=599647]ella[/re]: Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.
I’ve been prayin’ to Jebus every day and night that these 2 crazy kids would get back together for the sake of their gift from God love child. Jebus and Us magazine has answered those prayers. Well I’m off to WalMart!
Boy Howdy! Them Palin gurlz shore love them some hard dick, don’t they?
[re=599627]Terry[/re]: “Co-parents,” is this what they used to call, umm, what was the word, oh yes, “parents?” Why stop with “co-parents?” Why not “joint-co-partnered-parental-cooperative- parenting-team?” Also, over there, for the troops.
Well, his brilliant career in gay-for-pay internet porn sort of crashed and burned, didn’t it?
[re=599640]JMP[/re]:
Of course it is.
[re=599630]cheeto_jeebus[/re]: I vote Turpentine, Turp for short.
[re=599659]Okie Dokie Dog[/re]: Git me some of them generic cigarettes and I’ll let you borry my almost new turquoise tube top tomorrow when you go to yer probation hearing.
Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.
C’mon y’all, who among us has *not* booty-called the ex?
[re=599668]Joshua Norton[/re]: Apparently so did Bristol’s abstinence road show. Save it for marriage, ladies! Oh, wait…
That’s not what she said! She distinctly said “to blave.” And, as we all know, “to blave” means “to bluff,” huh? I’m just saying, it’s possible she simply takes after her grifter mother, and no love happening here.
[re=599666]Prommie[/re]: I guess it’s to try and indicate that they’re no longer using their kid as a pawn to get revenge on one another in the custody battle; or else that Bristol’s been reading too many newspaper Trends stories.
The media & self-help industry really likes to make up new bullshit words with the same meaning as existing ones people actually use. One that really annoys me is “wellness”; what’s wrong with health?
There will definitely be a second Palin-Johnston within 18 months.
& a third in five years.
These kids are never going to stay together, for the kids or otherwise, but they can’t quit each other. It’s like Brokeback Mountain… With fertilization.
[re=599638]JackDempsey[/re]: The LORD sacrificed the only butter-colored statue of his son so that these crazy kids might “do it.”
[re=599646]Doglessliberal[/re]: I feel a Romeo and Juliet plot-line developing.
Two dolts, alike in lack of dignity,
In fair Wasilla, where we lay our scene,
From recent grudge break to new mutiny,
Since Sarah gone allows for sex unseen.
From forth the fatal loins of these young twits
Came Tripp (and Trig?), their star-crossed precious angel,
Whose misadventured piteous full-term birth
Caused Grifter Anger Bear their lives to mangle.
The fearful passage of Levi and Bristol’s love
And the continuance of her mother’s rage,
Which but for her children̓s end, naught could remove,
Is now the two-years̓ traffic of our media stage.
For never was there tale like this so fucked,
Than this of Sarah, and her unchecked luck.
Just my hunch – our modern day Romeo and Juliet are trying to screw their way to TV reality show. Hey kids – while momma is away, make a sex tape and circulate to the media as an audition.
How trashy can trash get? Well, here ya go.
[re=599674]Troubledog[/re]: C’mon y’all, who among us has *not* booty-called the ex?
STOP READING MY DIARY TROUBLEDOG
[re=599679]JMP[/re]: But “health and wellness” is better than either alone! Lets progress forward.
Tank Jones is totally managing Levi’s Johnston….
Jethro? Elly Mae? Are you out there by the cee-ment pond? Truly, these are the Clampetts, come to life.
Unemployed and unemployable rejoin!
Baby Daddy and Baby Mama Tryin’ Again:
“The Welfare gives you more money this way,” explained the Baby Mama, Miss “B.” “Yeah,” added Mr. “L,” “it’s, like, mandatory, cause there was some stupid law that some stupid people put in there that was, like, supposed to, like make us marry or something.”
[re=599682]predilectrix[/re]: U R a genius.
They’re back together for the troops.
It must be a good feeling to be able to still get into your old Levis.
[re=599682]predilectrix[/re]: well-played, so to speak.
As an aside, I always liked this one from Merchant of V, and it seems appropriate with the Palins:
“The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.”
[re=599696]Katydid[/re]: or been the called booty?
[re=599679]JMP[/re]: Wellness?
That’s nothing. The Bidness dweebs are the second worst offenders in the “words that mean less than what they replaced” category (Education is the worst), but the self-helpers are at least suicidal rather than homicidal in their ministrations. If they want to go practice “holistic” “wellness” and achieve “actualization” through “whole body health,” then peace unto them.
When a half-bright MBA decides to “innovate financial instruments” and “invents” a way to “create wealth,” it means that a confidence game, at least, is being played, and it usually means that it’s a game that’s played on people who control our retirements or government contracting.
Besides, health is what you have by default, but wellness is recovery from all diseases that you are presumed to have lurking in you. Buy the book to find out all the diseases you secretly have lurking in you.
levi loves him some smell of money in the morning.
[re=599712]Joshua Norton[/re]: Or get your old Levi’s back in you. Spawn 2 coming soon, first one needs a sibling and publicists need to do publicisting stuff.
I am mentally turd gargling right now. Uggh. Can’t she just be a hostess at Cracker Barrell with some dumb boob..oh wait. It’s the Palins….
If she gets on the anti-abstinence wagon, can I get my money back, at least in the form of TOPPS wet t-shirt cards?
[re=599719]Geogre[/re]: “The Bidness dweebs are the second worst offenders in the “words that mean less than what they replaced” category (Education is the worst),”
Capital-E Education is always the worst.
[re=599719]Geogre[/re]: [re=599679]JMP[/re]: I figured that “health” conjures up images of brown rice and skim milk and working out, which most Americans would find horrifying. Therefore, those who choose labels picked the more innocuous “wellness”.
True fact: in that Brian Wansink (?) book that came out a few years ago, he discussed studies in which people gave a food poorer ratings when that food was described as healthy, as compared to the same food with no health allusions in its description.
Hallelujah Friends and Neighbors, we are so Blessed. I have spent weeks of sleepless nights and days worrying about the Palin Kids. Its over, they are over night dating again, or just screwing, so now when they break up the second time US, People, etc., will be all aglow with more trashy stories. I can see the headlines now “The Palins saved the Magazine Insustry”.
[re=599719]Geogre[/re]: The MBA-speak can often be impossible to understand, especially when it crosses over with HR-speak. I found the Sigma Six episode of 30 Rock hilarious, but was horrified to later discover that it was actually a real thing.
[re=599748]JMP[/re]: What you fail to understand is that MBA-spek is designed to communicate with other MBA’a. HR-speak is disigned to never be understand by anyone except someone applying for a job and all they have to figure out is how many ways to understand “NO”.
[re=599683]BOOBIES![/re]: There prolly is a sex-tape, already, but from when they were each sixteen. So, yeah, not entirely — at all — legal to distribute.
But Track prolly has a copy on his laptop, if you’re interested.
(Seriously, once he’s out of the Army, I cannot begin to imagine the sordid, twisted stink that is going to come out about him. He is his mother’s son.)
On words (not contributor Words):
“Innovation without improvement is a barbarous thing” John Ruskin said, and I think that’s at the root of the jargon. Essentially, you need to make tenure or get a book sale or get a promotion, and so you can’t say, “Decrease costs, manage inventory wisely, pay attention to details.” Instead, you come up with an acronym and then say, “Monetize the minute while on-demand capitalizing all outflows.”
HR, on the other hand, comes from Satan. I once listened to recommendations for a candidate for a top HR director position. There were 14 recommendations. 13 of 14 said, “Oh, Bob was great! Bob screwed the workers royally, made them suffer endlessly, spied on them, busted unions, and pretended the whole time that he was fair. It was hilarious!” The fourteenth only said, “Tom explained to me that I should work with my workers, that we’re all in the same business and that I should stop seeing my workforce as an expense.” #14 was considered a joke in the HR world.
[re=599719]Geogre[/re]: I place “Credit default swap” and “Ed.D.” on exactly the same level. Something needs to be done about both.
“How trashy can trash get? Well, here ya go.”
Maybe they’re planning on giving the Dugars a run for their money.
Just plug the dang hole. Oh wait, wrong story I think …
[re=599801]Tim[/re]: Get the Dutch!
Given their expertise with dykes, I think that might be the least fail-prone way to keep Bristol from conceiving.
You never forget your first buttseck.
[re=599654]groove[/re]: I have it on good authority that Bristol and Levi plan to name their next kid Nexus.
[re=599682]predilectrix[/re]: Win of the day!
I’m looking forward to the co-parenting version of her “Pause before you play” ad: Levi and Bristol fondly watching Track playing on the carpet, mouthing the usual platitudes. Then they look up at each other, smile, pause, and cut to black.
Remember when Mccain jerked off his arm that time? That was fucking funny.
this is going to send all the wrong signals to lil angel Trig and his brother Trapp Tripp whatever.
[re=599680]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: You don’t think Levi’s into the butt-secks?
[re=599680]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: You don’t think Levi’s into the butt-secks?[re=599739]PsycGirl[/re]: Well, lots of Americans don’t know how to cook. Open a box of macaroni, etc., that’s it.
[re=599701]Geogre[/re]: Does Alaska have informal marriage like Ohio does? Tell the neighbors you’re married and you are?
There be three things
which are too wonderful for me,
yea, four which I know not:
the way of an eagle in the air;
the way of a serpent upon a rock;
the way of a ship in the midst of the sea;
and the way of a man with a maid.
Proverbs 30:18-19
[re=599768]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: Do you think he discovered Shi’ite temporary marriages while he was in Iraq? Now has 3-4 black-eyed hotties producing grand-children? Of course, he might have to churches ….
Which is the dominant and which is the submissive? Oh, I do pray that they get locked up in handcuffs (not unlike a scene from Sacha Cohen) and have to call mommy dearest to get them out of that mess. A toiler scrubber face piece would be a nice replicated touch! Oh, how I wish Sacha Cohen could land the Palin crew in one of his films!
[re=599682]predilectrix[/re]: If Ken is still awarding virtual IPods you deserve one.
Bristol and sara(h) are co-SLUTS.
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