THIS IS OUR ZAPRUDER FILM  12:33 pm June 15, 2010

John McCain Nearly Bores David Patraeus To Death

by Ken Layne

Mummified windbag John McCain was jabbering his usual nonsense during a Senate Armed Services hearing today when star witness General David Petraeus just keeled over. Why does McCain hate the Troops?

We can laugh, of course, because Petraeus returned to his witness table a few minutes later, greeted by applause, just like in ROCKY.

ABC News has this hysterical report:

While testifying at the Senate Armed Services Committee hearing on Afghanistan, Gen. David Petraeus, commander of the US Central Command, passed out at the witness table.

Sen. John McCain, R-AZ, was in the middle of praising Petraeus for his efforts in Afghanistan when the four star general appears to have briefly passed out. The C-Span camera in the room was focused on McCain at the time, a soft rumpling noise could be heard as McCain looked surprised. The feed then went to a high shot from the back of the room. Someone could be overheard quietly saying, “Oh my God” as several staffers rushed to help him.

McCain-Petraeus 2012!

Honestly, do you know much about David Petraeus, who is apparently kind of weird and un-killable?

Petraeus, who was treated for prostate cancer in 2009, is a marathon runner who is said to pride himself on his physical fitness. He survived a shot in the chest in 1991 when a soldier accidentally discharged his rifle.

As the general left the Capitol today, he told reporters that he will be back to testify tomorrow when the hearing resumes.

“I’ll eat breakfast tomorrow,” he said.

A breakfast of human hearts, he added, before looking up at the Sun and flying away. [ABC News]

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JMP June 15, 2010 at 12:37 pm

Can we be sure he wasn’t just faking to get McCain to shut the fuck up?

V572625694 June 15, 2010 at 12:39 pm

“He survived a shot in the chest in 1991 when a soldier accidentally discharged his rifle.” Weapons safety is a bitch, isn’t it?

This guy was the genius who was supposed to save our asses in Iraq with The Surge™. Sully was having multiple orgasms about him, as I recall. How many explosions in Baghdad today?

Sharkey June 15, 2010 at 12:40 pm

That’s what happens when you stay up all night partyin’.

charlesdegoal June 15, 2010 at 12:40 pm

Smack will do that to you, if I remember correctly.

Ran June 15, 2010 at 12:42 pm

I feel like John McCain’s “surprised” face must look a lot like his “Oh, I thought I was done pooping but here comes another log” face.

Gratuitous World June 15, 2010 at 12:43 pm

Despite this hiccup, McCain is still well ahead of Petraeus in the ‘Dead Pool.’

My friends, can we get the general a glass of juice?

ph7 June 15, 2010 at 12:46 pm

[re=598861]V572625694[/re]: What didn’t frag him only made him stronger.

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 15, 2010 at 12:47 pm

Isn’t it obvious? WALNUTS! forgot to change his Depends, and Petraus was overcome by the stench.

SayItWithWookies June 15, 2010 at 12:47 pm

Now you know how America felt, buddy.

rambone June 15, 2010 at 12:47 pm

I pulled the same trick at my last job interview when the questions got tough.

ddenby June 15, 2010 at 12:48 pm

There was a modified “hehngnn” when Petraeus fell over.

WIDTAP June 15, 2010 at 12:49 pm

McCain thinks setting timelines to transition to Afghan self-rule and self-security betrays all those American dollars that lost their lives in Kandahar. After all, an exit strategy where Afghanis are an able to take care of themeselves is just another way to say the terrorists win.

Buzz Feedback June 15, 2010 at 12:50 pm

Maybe he was attempting to scratch out his response with a stick in the dirt.

freakishlystrong June 15, 2010 at 12:53 pm

Let’s hope Cheney does that when they question him in Congress. Oh, what? He won’t show and tell everyone to fuck off?

Scarab June 15, 2010 at 12:53 pm

‘Stupid Petraus Tricks’

freakishlystrong June 15, 2010 at 12:53 pm

A breakfast of human hearts, he added, before looking up at the Sun and flying away.


Scarab June 15, 2010 at 12:55 pm

While it’s off-screen, I’m pretty sure Meg Whitman caused this by shoving him in the back.

Oldskool June 15, 2010 at 12:58 pm

A little of Palin’s magic has rubbed off on JohnnyMac.

slappypaddy June 15, 2010 at 1:00 pm

“A breakfast of human hearts, he added, before looking up at the Sun and flying away.”

they serve those fresh every morning in the senate dining room, but he better get there early, they always go fast.

nappyduggs June 15, 2010 at 1:01 pm

This whole post, it’s just…sublime.

The look on Juan “Urkel” McCain’s face is PRICELESS, and the little thought bubble floating in his atrophied brain surely read “Henngh? Did I do that?”

Even better is the look on the face of the young lady in the pants suit. It was like something from “Dynasty” circa 1982.

“You son-of-a-bitch! He never wanted your praise! He is doing this thing for love! You did this to him, just as surely as if you had walked over here and breathed the stale air from your trapped death rattle into his nostrils. May God forgive you.”

Or something like that, it is a great look, anyway.

I Heart Accuracy June 15, 2010 at 1:04 pm

McCain actually bored someone to death. Amazing. A gift.

I Heart Accuracy June 15, 2010 at 1:06 pm

[re=598883]rambone[/re]: So you got the job, then. Congrats.

Way Cool Larry June 15, 2010 at 1:07 pm

I love the paparazzi rushing in to get close-up shots of the general passed out on his notes… USA!

TGY June 15, 2010 at 1:07 pm

John McCain is, indeed, a powerful weapon to be used sparingly.

populucious June 15, 2010 at 1:09 pm

Why do you think CindyMac demanded so many houses? She’s trying to protect herself from too much exposure to his Boredom Death Rays.

Katydid June 15, 2010 at 1:10 pm

[re=598869]Ran[/re]: You owe me an iPhone.

gurukalehuru June 15, 2010 at 1:11 pm

“…accidentally discharged his rifle.” Yeah, that’s what I would have said, too.

The Church of Realism June 15, 2010 at 1:11 pm

I think it was the smell of mothballs and sour milk coming from Walnuts that did Petraeus in.

ttommyunger June 15, 2010 at 1:15 pm

Thirty years of war and drill hardly prepares a man for the McCain “Slow-drone babble”.

maxwells silver hammer June 15, 2010 at 1:15 pm

Who’s Pat Raeus?

Hot_Carl June 15, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Uber-bro Petraeus never backs down from an icing. This is what FREEDOM looks like.

Hoplight June 15, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Eh, I’ll give McCain credit. His gut reaction was to try to catch the guy. Too far away, obviously, but you can see his arms jerk.

GreyPanter June 15, 2010 at 1:33 pm

Petraeus came away from the meeting with a new weapon for Afghanistan, broadcasting McCain speeches to knock the enemy unconscious before an attack.

iburl June 15, 2010 at 1:44 pm

“…when star witness General David Petraeus just *cold* keeled over.”


mumblyjoe June 15, 2010 at 1:46 pm

[re=598612]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: See, this is exactly why we don’t make Highlander jokes about Afghanistan, even if there’s a guy running around with a sword like an idiot. You’ve probably gone and started The Quickening, you have.

steverino247 June 15, 2010 at 1:49 pm

[re=598927]gurukalehuru[/re]: Further proof that the M-16 is a piece of shit. You accidentally discharge the weapon and the round hits a nearby officer and you don’t kill him? May I suggest this clip?

the problem child June 15, 2010 at 1:50 pm

Way to clear a hearing, Johnny Mack

chascates June 15, 2010 at 1:58 pm

Cindy probably employs this trick often as well.

libwakman June 15, 2010 at 2:06 pm

I hate it when the Acid kicks into high-gear when you least expect it. Blammm..Thorazine shot worked pretty quick though.

Neilist June 15, 2010 at 2:12 pm

[re=598997]steverino247[/re]: Technically, the 5.56 mm round is not supposed to “kill.” If it does, fine. But as far as the military is concerned, it’s better to wound a soldier (enough to disable him). That way you take out the wounded soldier, the one or two buddies who will have to protect/support him, the medics, etc.

That doesn’t make the M-16 any less of a POS. But the problem there is the weapons design, not the round per se.

Anyway, back in the day, the conventional approach was to roll a M26 under the cot of overly enthusisatic ButterBars while the same was sleeping:

That way, the target is not moving around. And with a hard floor, most of the blast is deflected upward.

Neilist, Department of Personnel Management
Your Army Forces
Someplace Unpleasant (As Usual)
Upper Absurdistan/Lower Revoltia

problemwithcaring June 15, 2010 at 2:17 pm

Shit, I would fake an epileptic seizure to get out of listening to the drone of McCain’s voice.

Aurelio June 15, 2010 at 2:45 pm

This does irreparable damage to Petraeus’ reputation as a tough war-criminal. Macho generals do not faint.

Jukesgrrl June 15, 2010 at 2:59 pm

[re=598924]populucious[/re]: No, no. That’s why she has those weird eyes. She death-rays HIM. This talent he has developed is just a defense mechanism … compounded by old age.

June Cleaver 2.0 June 15, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Someone at HuffPo said (I know, I read some of those comments) that the photographers were trying to get a Gary Coleman shot.

Greg Comlish June 15, 2010 at 3:11 pm

More like General Faintraeus

Jukesgrrl June 15, 2010 at 3:11 pm

From an interview with Petraeus in Runner’s World: “I’ll go out hard, then ramp it up around five miles to try to waste him. I want to know how he’ll react and respond to the challenge, what his strength of character is … Obviously, I’m not just interested in whether someone is a good runner. But there’s something about an individual who has self-discipline, drive, basic fitness, and the heart to run reasonably well that indicates the kind of spirit that you are after in people who take on tough tasks.”

Yeah, brag, brag, brag. But obviously, you’re no match for someone who “single-handedly” defeated the Viet Cong and then came home and destroyed the life of his first wife, just for fun.

slithytoves June 15, 2010 at 3:15 pm

Those two female photographers were just precious!

Oblios Cap June 15, 2010 at 3:49 pm

Petraeus must be McCain’s wingman when they hit the town after hours. He’s used to blasting those fuckers off the deck, yes he is!

chaste everywhere June 15, 2010 at 4:02 pm

A Senate committee meeting where something happened?

BobTheBuilder June 15, 2010 at 4:38 pm

Get that man a hot baby water bottle… STAT!

President Beeblebrox June 15, 2010 at 6:58 pm

He cold fell over because of all the brass on the front of his jacket and shit. I mean, damn, that was a lot of brass on all those army types.

missevans June 15, 2010 at 9:12 pm

What an amazing day – the Jesus statue struck by lightning and a General gets the vapors.

NYNYNY June 16, 2010 at 2:45 am

A few minutes later Patraeus sat back down at the hearing. “Now where was I?” Said Senator McCain, “Oh, well, I’ll start over. Winning a war is a lot like landing an airplane, you’ve got two choices: crash it into the ground or eject yourself out in midair. Now, in Afghanistan, we’ve elected to stay the course and…excuse me, General? You seem to be fading again…”

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