The terrified humans who operate CNN live in constant fear of the preserved Pharaonic husk of Larry King, who has been lobbing lunatic softball questions at the powerful and the famous since time immemorial; in fact, radio was first invented specifically so the people who lived beyond the range of his voice could hear him speak, as the legends about him had spread throughout the world. Unable to confront him directly for fear that his army of trained serpents would attack them, these CNN minions instead spread rumors in the media that King would be replaced by some fatuous limey TV host. BIG MISTAKE, FELLAS!
So the rumor yesterday was that Larry King was going to be killed with a ritual obsidian dagger and buried with all his wives and producers in his vast pyramid, which has been under construction in the Nevada desert since 1965. Once this solemn ceremony was completed, he would be replaced by one of the judges of America’s Got Talent, because there is literally nothing Larry King does that couldn’t be done just as well by someone whose main qualifications consist of humorously assessing people who can spin plates and fart the national anthem.
But! Larry, who somehow learned English, heard about these rumors, and now everyone is backtracking, saying they’re just trying to replace Campbell Brown, please Larry, don’t hurt us, if you weigh our hearts please find them worthy for entry into the Afterlife! The enraged King may in fact be returning the New York, his original capital and home to his totemic power, although this probably will depend on whether he expels his 71st wife from his palace compound.
Most experts believe that Larry King will continue to gibber madness to anyone who will listen, long after the human race has died out, when there is nothing left of the Earth but a burnt-out cinder, waiting to be vaporized by the expanding sun. [Telegraph/LAT/DNA India/The Hollywood Gossip]
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“Tonight, for de hour: Loni Anderson!”
Long may our king reign. All hail Pharaoh Larry XVII.
Life is good when you’re an emissary of Anubis, eh Larry?
[re=598688]V572625694[/re]: That poor woman, Loni Anderson. That time she served as Burt Reynold’s beard, what horror. She cannot have aged well.
His interview with Marlon Brando is an evergreen masterpiece of insane bullshit.
Larry may live forever, but his decrepit audience will continue to die off, and with the loss of views comes a loss of his power, so that King will grow even more incomprehensible and incontinent.
Of course, with Larry’s audience, if anything somehow did happen to King CNN could just go the PBS-Lawrence Welk route and keep showing re-runs to the olds who don’t realize he’s dead or that they’ve seen the episodes before until the last one dies off.
If they want him to retire so badly, why don’t they just follow him around with a camera until he says something nasty about the Jews or the blacks or someone?
[re=598688]V572625694[/re]: “Tonight, from the Land of the Throne…”
In response to the attempted palace coup, the latest decree from the Mighty Lord Larry is that the set of his CNN show will henceforth be “clothing optional” and the background will feature a mosaic of the deity Priapus. Viewership will no doubt double to twenty two.
Cute piece, well written; but I must ask: “Why would anyone with a pulse give a flying fuck about old whatizface?”, anyway?
This is really a lovely phrase: “…in fact, radio was first invented specifically so the people who lived beyond the range of his voice could hear him speak…”
Truly Lovely. I Lurve Metaphors.
Go towards the light Larry. Yes, that is Paul Harvey waving to you. Go towards the light!
Larry is to my parents’ generation as Twitter is to mine.
Larry is returning to New York to co-host with Sandy Koufax.
All Americans owe a great debt to Larry King for introducing Ross Perot onto the national stage — a man who we can all agree changed America for the better.
Wouldn’t Paula Abdul have been a better choice to replace him?
[re=598709]ph7[/re]: So Larry’s gay? Whole lotta make-believe wives for one guy!
Rumor has it he’s been invited to host The View. Apparently Lord Larikahmun’s dick turned to dust years ago and now technically qualifies as a vageen.
[re=598699]ttommyunger[/re]:
Person: “They’re giving out free hot dogs at the Chevy car lot.”
ttommyunger: “I hate hot dogs. I think I’ll drive over there and tell them.”
That’s King with a “K”.
Josh, that was lovely.
COMING UP THIS SUMMER, ON “LARRY KING LIVE” ON CNN!!:::::
LIZA MINNELI!
FRANK SINATRA, JR.!
NANCY SINATRA!
ED MCMAHON’S WIDOW!
DON RICKLES!
JOAN RIVERS!
OLIVIA DEHAVILLAND!
FESS PARKER, ROBERT CULP AND PETER GRAVES!
LENA HORNE!
RITA MORENO!
JERRY LEE LEWIS!
CHUCK BERRY!
LITTLE RICHARD!
AND
CARL REINER!!
Wait, we’re not talking about John King? Who’s Larry King again?
Simon Cowell?
Larry King-The cockroach of television.
This post gives me hope for post-Newell wonkette. HOPE
The show is horrible, I used to work in the set in DC. He is actually a very nice and personable person. For what it’s worth.
Stoned: Are you talking about the robot Larry King, or the real Larry King?
Because people in D.C., New York and Los Angeles all say that the latter is one of the worst people to work with in all of broadcasting. Along with, of course, Stern, Imus, Liddy, Limbaugh, O’Reilly, Dr. Laura, Dr. Phil, Oprah, Hannity, Beck, Murdoch, Ailes, Clear Channel, Bonneville, Liberty, Fox News, Coulter and Malkin.
His hour-long encounter with Liza Minnelli and that now-forgotten queen she married in the early 00′s will go down in the ANALs of journamalism.
Take away his commode!
Everready.
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