Back in 2001 and 2002, most of us were content to work out our rage against Osama bin Laden by peeing on novelty urinal cakes decorated with his face, before eventually forgetting about him altogether when George Bush stopped talking about him on teevee. But one man dedicated himself to hunting down America’s greatest enemy, armed only with his wits, his highly trained reflexes, and a lot of weapons. After years of study and ritual purification, he finally arrived in Pakistan this week, ready to walk barefoot across the border and meet bin Laden in a final confrontation of good vs. evil, but then he got arrested by Pakistani police, because apparently in Pakistan it is illegal to try to kill Osama bin Laden.
What do we know about American ghost-warrior Gary Faulkner?
- He is 52 (according to CNN) or maybe 50 (according to the AFP) or maybe even 40 (according to Reuters). The ninja is so stealthy that even when he is sitting absolutely still, ordinary men have difficulty perceiving his form and making judgements about such irrelevant matters like “age.”
- He had a pistol and night-vision goggles, because, uh, in these modern days, even ninja need help seeing in the dark and killing people. He was also carrying either a sword (sez CNN) or a dagger (sez Reuters) because, you know, more bad-ass.
- He had no intention of killing Osama bin Laden (CNN). He told the police he was going to kill Osama bin Laden when he was arrested, and they laughed at him (AP).
- He had high blood pressure, and, like bin Laden, had terrible kidney problems, and was carrying kidney medication. How do we know he wasn’t secretly trying to save bin Laden from his kidney-related death?
- He had some Christian religious literature with him, because he was going to convert bin Laden to Jesus-worship before shooting him/stabbing him/beheading him/forcing him to overdose on kidney pills.
Faulkner’s ninja mission was sadly cut short when he got caught sneaking away from the police escort every American gets when they get all twitchy near the Afghan border. The FBI was spared the embarrassment of having to pay the $25 million reward for bin Laden’s capture, because come on, who just has that kind of money lying around? Certainly not the government. [CNN/AP/AFP/Reuters]
{ 72 comments }
Quick? Anyone know where Chuck Norris is?
There can be only one!
He is a hero now, but when the truth that it was his parents that drove him to try to become the world’s youngest bin Laden assassin and that his mission wasn’t actually as well-timed as it could have been, the real media shitstorm will hit.
Oh, for fucks sake – it’s bad enough that the Muslins try to kill us, now they’re going to laugh at us as well.
Everybody sing!
Gary, Gary Brooks Faulkner,
Dumb, dumb, dumb ditty dumb, dumb, dumb.
He’s not much of a ninja, letting himself be captured like that; he should have been fighting all the time and flipping out and killing people.
[re=598611]Geogre[/re]: Eh, still too competent for latter-day Norris.
He probably had to acquire the blade in Pakistan, which means it surely would have shattered at the tang against bin Laden’s wispy bones. So it’s just as well.
I blame Naruto.
Let he who has also tried personally to catch Bin Laden cast the first stone, motherfuckers.
Of course it’s illegal to kill Osama bin Laden in Pakistan. Do you think we would send billions of Ameros to that shit sandwich of a country if he got killed? The second he turns into a skinbag, the money faucet gets turned off permanantly.
This is probably not what Remo Williams anticipated at the of “The Adventure Continues.”
Sounds more like he’d sit around swapping medical stories like olds tend to do.
“he was going to convert bin Laden to Jesus-worship”
Ninja: Knock-knock.
Osama: Who’s there?
Ninja: Jehovah’s Witness.
Osama: Get out of my cave! *Door Slam*
Well, he’s doing better than Bush – the guy actually _went looking_ for Bin Laden…
That was some kinda brave! I see another Tea Party candidate in this hero. More envelopes full of white powder and more sword-bearing he-men could really turn the tide in the US of A.
Whew! That was close, almost turned 8 years of training into a big waste of time. Now I need to go practice my White Lotus Kung fu, I have a date with destiny!
I keep on reading that title as “Mysterious American Ninja Arrested In Pakistan, For Heroin.”
I dunno, just seems, like, way more plausible, I guess.
One commenter on one of those Give-The-Republicans-Ideas websites suggested: “hire more ninjas.” That person is looking like a genius right now…
I have “Free Gary Brooks Faulkner” T-Shirts and bumper stickers for sale if anyone is interested.
I thought God rescinded that order two weeks after admonishing King George III to try this?
“A” for effort?
Should I feel bad about the fact that I actually liked the guy until I read the part about how he planned to convert bin Laden to Christianism? If you’re going all the way to Pakistan on your secret ninja assassin mission, just kill the bastard and be done with it. Enough of this “clash of civilizations” BS that started the bloody jihad in the first place.
He was on his way to Thunder Dome for the ultimate cage match, with Tina Turner’s legs as the referee. Two men enter, one man leaves!
Needz moar Forrest Whitaker.
American Ninja: Shhhhhhh! I’m hunting Tewworwist Owsama Bwin Wandin!!
Pak Police: It’s not Osama Season! It’s Yankee Season.
American Ninja: Owsama Sweason!
Pak Police: Yankee Season!
American Ninja: Owsama Sweason!
Pak Police: Yankee Season!
American Ninja: Owsama Sweason!
Pak Police: Yankee Season!
American Ninja: Owsama Sweason!
Pak Police: Yankee Season!
American Ninja: Owsama Sweason!
Pak Police: Owsama Season!
American Ninja: Owsama Sweason!
Pak Police: Yankee Season!
American Ninja: Yankee Season!
Bang!
American Ninja: You awe despicable!!!
Pak Police:
[re=598639]HedonismBot[/re]: Bringing the bibles is just fucked up. I can’t believe there have quite a few asshole missionaries going over to Iraq and Afghanistan since the US conquered them; it feeds into the hatred of the populations and view that we’re there as imperial overlords, helps recruit for actual terrorists and insurgents, comes from the oh-so-common arrogance of dickheaded Christians that their religion is magically superior to all others in the world, and is moronic since they’re likely to get themselves killed, although quite frankly the rest of us would be better off if they were.
I give it two weeks until he is standing next to Bible Spice Palin on a podium set up in the parking lot of a dry cleaners in Real America, telling the dozens gathered there that gawd is still on yer side.
[re=598632]mumblyjoe[/re]:
Had this been a mission of The Wu Tang Clan, and Ol’ Dirty Bastard were still alive, this would indeed have been the case.
[re=598635]peanutbutterjellytime[/re]: No, no, the genius idea was “train an army of ninja cats.” The comment went on to explain why, because of their vicious, sneaky, and independant nature, an army of ninja cats would be the ultimate counter-terrorism weapon.
Faulkner? There must be a Faulkner joke here. As I Slay Dying (Bin Laden)? Hmmm, pretty tepid.
Having seen Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, I know that guy could have jumped across cliffs and run up trees if he had REALLY not wanted to be caught. Getting caught was part of his plan! He’s trying to infiltrate bin Laden’s group from within prison. How trying to kill bin Laden will accomplish this infiltration, I’m not sure.
[re=598648]Gorillionaire[/re]: The Teatard Baggers, they will set him straight, and send him on a mission of far greater importance, to infiltrate the White House, and take our country back from the mooslim fascist communist negro president.
[re=598650]nappyduggs[/re]: I will always remember him as he wished to be remembered, as “Dirt McGurk.”
[re=598657]Norbert[/re]: Intruder in the Dust?
[re=598657]Norbert[/re]: The Sound and the (impotent)Fury?
[re=598650]nappyduggs[/re]: Caves in the Hindu Kush have nothing on Bed-Stuy. Dirty would have finished the job faster than Jack Bauer.
Regarding the pic:
#1 That’s not Tracy Jordan, its Tracy Morgan.
#2 WTF is a NINGA?
The saddest part is since he’s failed, he’ll have to commit seppuku to protect the identity and honor of his clan.
Obvious Ninja is obvious.
[re=598670]F*T*S*[/re]: You’re a genius.
[re=598670]F*T*S*[/re]: It’s from “30 Rock.” The name of his character in the show is Tracy Jordan. His character is sort of inspired by Martin Lawrence, or Eddie Murphy, or any other black comic who dresses up in fat suits for movie roles.
[re=598664]PsycGirl[/re]: Sword and Puerile, signifying nothing? (Eh.)
[re=598670]F*T*S*[/re]: That’s Morgan’s fictional character on 30 Rock. His character plays in lots of c-movies.
What a doof. There’s no way that giant kidney-diseased, radicalized islamo-socialite has been breathing the last 5 years, minimum.
[re=598648]Gorillionaire[/re]: He’s got way too much time on his hands. I hope (Here’s-one-for-) the-Grifter suggests he get a shovel and save a whale, or something. (I mean, after *you*, Sister Sarah…)
These really are some stupid ass motherfuckers. Huh.
[re=598672]dijetlo[/re]: Hell, his master might do so out of shame of training such an incompetent warrior.
[re=598676]HedonismBot[/re]: I’m the slowest typist ever. [re=598672]dijetlo[/re]: fingers crossed!
“in Pakistan it is illegal to try to kill Osama bin Laden.” One would hope so, because it would indicate that Pakistan has something we used to have: the rule of law. Remember the flap when Howard Dean talked about a trial for Bin Laden? No way! He’s a really, really bad guy. Worse, apparently, than Eichmann and other purveyors of genocide. They got trials. In Amurrica, and the far reaches of our emprie, a drone piloted by a 19-year-old will decide your fate.
Here is the full story on Faulkner. His parents were killed by terrorists when he was a child, perhaps on September 11 (yeah, let’s say it was). He grew up dedicated to finding a way to gain his revenge on the terrorist community and prevent anyone else from being killed that way.
One stormy night, he was sitting in his stately trailer, trying to think of what to do. Unfortunately, he wasn’t very bright. There was a flash of lighting, he looked out the window and saw – the reflection of Glenn Beck from Fox News on his TV. Suddenly, he had his idea, and said, “Terrorists are a cowardly and superstitious lot. I shall become – a shrill dumbass!”
So, being a dumbass, he proceeded to get no education or training but just wander over to Pakistan to try and catch the terrorists single-handed. He failed, the end.
Well, I agree that he tried a lot harder than W ever did.
FREE GARY BROOKS FAULKNER!!
Col. Faulkner… is that you?
[re=598676]HedonismBot[/re]: Wow. My bad. I can’t believe I don’t watch enough television. I’m going to mend my ways starting tonight!
[re=598686]JMP[/re]: He was inspired by the movie “The Legend of Billie Jean”, but he forgot to cut his hair, so…fail.
captured!? someone radio duke, flint, and lady jaye!
boys becoming men…men becoming wolves…wolves becoming ninjas!
We should declare June 15th to be Gary Faulkner day and celebrate by wearing Gary masks and ninja outfits. Maybe we could have a fireworks show near the Capitol, too.
Today, we are all Osama-hunting ninja Faulkners!
[re=598679]JMP[/re]: This is why Ninjafication needs to be carefully administered, some type of Ninja certification board might have averted this embarrassment. We wouldn’t let just anyone claim to be an eye surgeon, for example, why should we accept shoddy Ninjas?
So is Rush going to write a poem before he opens his guts with steak knife or will he just allow his current body of work serve as his life haiku?
If the guy is William Faulkner’s grandson, we’re talkin’ an octoroon, yes? Then why no pictures? Why do all these news organizations conspire to hide the truth about the worldwide octoroon conspiracy masterminded by our own Fearless Leader?
Whew. Bin Laden has NO idea what a close call he just had. Could you imagine, waking up naked in a bathtub full of ice and finding fresh sutures on one side of your lower back?
For some odd reason, the Associated Press was only able to quote him in Dialect.
If it’s a sword, first error is in plan is there–because a knife fits better in your fanny pack or ninja certified dockers shorts.
Just for the record: I am NOT this “Gary Faulkner” person.
(A pistol and a sword? Better a satellite phone. Both to call in the airstrike, and to order room service (and a hooker).)
Kids today with their ninja ways.
[re=598657]Norbert[/re]: I believe Gary Faulkner wrote “The Sand and the Furry,” but I could be mistaken.
Didn’t he see Batman? Raz A’gul would not stand for such shoddiness.
[re=598686]JMP[/re]: Worked for Al Greene…
An army of ninja cats marches on cans of toona.
CLANK CLANK CLANK CLANK
That’s one brave mother faulkner.
Proof that Osama Bin Laden is dead. If they were really trying to get OBL, they would have let Mr. Ninja pursue his quest. However, they really know that OBL has been dead for years, but need his specter to keep the masses afraid and compliant, so if they’d let Mr. Ninja pursue his quest, Mr. Ninja would have discovered the truth and the cat would be out of the bag, the jig would be up.
[re=598693]Serolf Divad[/re]: He was just practicing with Stewart Granger.
But didn’t anyone tell thus guy that OBL is cooling his heels at the Bush family compound in Paraguay?
Perhaps he is the physical manifestation of ticket sales for Karate Kid.
[re=598647]JMP[/re]: There are good missionaries and bad missionaries.
Let’s all drop the Conquistador imagery and the door knocker for a moment and think about it. Missionaries of mainstream churches have been going into unstable and dangerous places for centuries and bringing schools, civic structures (sometimes disastrous ones, but usually of the “let’s talk about the village” sort), and infrastructure. Proselytizers are quite a bit different from missionaries.
Secondly, the people who go in openly, without hostility and without the idea that they’re there to save the people from their own history, are quite different from those who jump in to “win” a “war of civilizations.” The Beeb had a series with some missionaries who went, for example, with Bibles in clear plastic bags so that no one could be misled, never approached anyone, never brought up the subject, etc.
This guy, though…yeah…obviously having some delusions even prior to the “convert him to Christianity” step.
[re=598968]GinnyRED57[/re]: That was at least three kinds of funny. Brava!
[re=598676]HedonismBot[/re]: Tracy Jordan is apparently also Tracy Morgan playing Tracy Morgan.
[re=599178]Geogre[/re]: “Secondly, the people who go in openly, without hostility and without the idea that they’re there to save the people from their own history, are quite different from those who jump in to “win” a “war of civilizations.”
Yeah, but those people aren’t representing “mainstream churches”.
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