Mysterious American Ninja Arrested In Pakistan, For Heroism

Back in 2001 and 2002, most of us were content to work out our rage against Osama bin Laden by peeing on novelty urinal cakes decorated with his face, before eventually forgetting about him altogether when George Bush stopped talking about him on teevee. But one man dedicated himself to hunting down America's greatest enemy, armed only with his wits, his highly trained reflexes, and a lot of weapons. After years of study and ritual purification, he finally arrived in Pakistan this week, ready to walk barefoot across the border and meet bin Laden in a final confrontation of good vs. evil, but then he got arrested by Pakistani police, because apparently in Pakistan it is illegal to try to kill Osama bin Laden. 

What do we know about American ghost-warrior Gary Faulkner?

• He is 52 ( according to CNN ) or maybe 50 ( according to the AFP ) or maybe even 40 ( according to Reuters ). The ninja is so stealthy that even when he is sitting absolutely still, ordinary men have difficulty perceiving his form and making judgements about such irrelevant matters like "age."

• He had a pistol and night-vision goggles, because, uh, in these modern days, even ninja need help seeing in the dark and killing people. He was also carrying either a sword (sez CNN) or a dagger (sez Reuters) because, you know, more bad-ass.

• He had no intention of killing Osama bin Laden (CNN). He told the police he was going to kill Osama bin Laden when he was arrested, and they laughed at him ( AP ).

• He had high blood pressure, and, like bin Laden, had terrible kidney problems, and was carrying kidney medication. How do we know he wasn't secretly trying to save bin Laden from his kidney-related death? 

• He had some Christian religious literature with him, because he was going to convert bin Laden to Jesus-worship before shooting him/stabbing him/beheading him/forcing him to overdose on kidney pills.

Faulkner's ninja mission was sadly cut short when he got caught sneaking away from the police escort every American gets when they get all twitchy near the Afghan border. The FBI was spared the embarrassment of having to pay the $25 million reward for bin Laden's capture, because come on, who just has that kind of money lying around? Certainly not the government. [ CNN / AP / AFP / Reuters ]