a mere bump in the road to greatness

South Carolina Democratic Party’s Rising Star Faces Challenge To His Glorious Primary Result

The future of American politics.Charleston City Councilman Vic Rawl announced today that he’s officially filing a protest against the results of last Tuesday’s Democratic U.S. Senate primary in South Carolina, which was a landslide victory for mentally unstable unemployed accused-sex-offender Alvin Greene, who didn’t so much campaign or do fund-raising or have a staff or come up with issue positions as sit cooped up in his 81-year-old father’s house the whole time.

Rawl has two vague contentions — there were “irregularities” and “unusual incidents” — and one specific one: that the voting machines chose Alvin Greene of their own accord. Why did the machines want Greene to win? Rawl doesn’t speculate, but it’s obvious: Like these election robots, Alvin Greene is a machine. An ELECTION-WINNING MACHINE.

However he won, Alvin Greene put as little effort into it as possible. Yes, there may have been some foul play involved, but can you imagine how many votes Greene would have gotten if he had tried to win? Had Greene taken his platform of weirding out college girls by shoving porn in their faces directly to the people, his margin of victory would have been astronomical.

Perhaps it was a little humiliating at first, but Rawl should stand aside and recognize that Greene’s the kind of political talent that only comes around once in a century. Here is a man who only needs to sign up for an election to win it. Jim DeMint has to be worried.

Expect the South Carolina Democratic Party to turn away this protest. What do they have to lose with Alvin Greene? It’s not like they had a good shot at defeating a sitting Republican senator in South Carolina.

Barack Obama once spoke of “the hope of a skinny kid with a funny name who believes that America has a place for him, too.” Is it a stretch to think there is still hope for a 32-year-old incomprehensible unemployed pervert shut-in to take a surprise win in a Senate election and vault himself to the presidency? [Charleston City Paper]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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87 comments

  1. SayItWithWookies

    How dare Vic Rawl interfere with the Republicans’ right to practice election-rigging in a quiet part of the country where they thought nobody would care about the outcome. Anyway, if he’s got a case he better start proving it soon, before this little sleeper goes nationwide.

  2. Tommmcatt

    Is it a stretch to think there is still hope for a 32-year-old incomprehensible unemployed pervert shut-in?

    Ask Rand Paul.

  3. meufchelou

    Dang I was hoping that skoal rebel would win the republican write-in vote in a Demint upset. Then we’d have two worthy opponents for the SC seat.

  4. germansteel

    Doesn’t the South Carolina Constitution mandate that office holders and candidates for same have some minimum sexy-time related history?

  5. whiterabid

    There are many movies that warn against machines taking over our planet, but to think that machines would steal elections, and I suppose install their own pro-machine government, is breathtaking. If this is so, then we need to know if any machines have donated money to Alvin Greene and where Mr. Greene stands on the man vs. machine issues. If elected, will he support the pro-machine agenda? And what is that agenda and where will it end? Next thing you know, machines will be granted the same rights as legal Americans and their offspring will be granted American citizenship. This creaping menace may not be stopped unless we repeal the 14th Amendment and revoke all government entitlements to machines, including tax breaks, depreciation and access to the elecrical grid.

  6. Mad Brahms

    [re=598395]SayItWithWookies[/re]: It’s not that I don’t buy that this was a Republican plot; it seems plausible, after all. But here’s the question: WHY? There was so little chance that the republican would lose the seat anyway that it seems a bit stupid to run such a risk of embarrassment by running Ole Pervy here.

  7. Lascauxcaveman

    So you’re saying the Alvin Greene = the Barack Obama of South Carolina?

    I here I was, thinking I couldn’t possibly think less of SC than I already did. South Carolina, YR DOIN IT RONG.

  8. Accordion-o-rama

    I haven’t sensed such electricity in a Southern black politician since they sent the last one to the chair.

  9. JoeCool BigPecker

    i SAY THIS GUY WON FAIR AND MAYBE MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE HURTS THERE FEELINGS SO STOP IT. Also, Dude reminds me of LBJ.

  10. populucious

    For every homeless lunatic who ever stood on a street corner screaming “I’m the King of the World!”, Alvin Green is truly a beacon of hope.

  11. I Heart Accuracy

    [re=598416]JoeCool BigPecker[/re]: I can think of 10400 reasons why we should all define “fair” in this scenario. Chicken tax, also, for no particular reason.

  12. RoscoePColtraine

    I’ve seen that “look” before. It’s the look on a guy’s face who just laid a nasty, shit fart, and is hoping no one (1) notices, and, if they do, (B) will suspect it was issued from his putrid bowels. It’s the look that gives him away, however. Don’t you dare smile, buddy!

  13. meufchelou

    I just remembered–he’s that guy who used to push the shopping cart down the middle of 3rd Ave in Brooklyn. Hoarding all those bottles and old TVs paid off I guess.

  14. mustardman

    Do we really need to pussy foot around the obvious fact this guy was a GOP plant! Something the South Carolina GOP is notorious for! Just find out who paid for the $10,000 candidates fee and then we can end this charade!

  15. SayItWithWookies

    [re=598411]Mad Brahms[/re]: Like I said (or maybe I was too roundabout) at my first comment — practice. I’d say if this went off without a hitch, it would be happening all over the country come November.

  16. V572625694

    [re=598410]whiterabid[/re]: All the machines have to do to gain citizenship is incorporate. Then they’ll be real citizens with rights, just like Haliburton and BP America. Thank you, Mr Chief Justice Roberts!

  17. Troubledog

    Also, cut to the photo of him, Lil Jon, and the ghost of Lee Atwater toasting one another with those crunk-goblets.

  18. CthuNHu

    [re=598415]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: OMGLOL.

    No, really.

    I herd u liek wiggling around in all internet tradishuns so u just wun an internetz, and the afternoon, also, for America.

  19. Snarkalicious

    [re=598418]populucious[/re]: Yea, for truly doth Wesley Willis smile down upon him.

  20. Pandy

    [re=598429]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I think you’re right. How else would they take their country back?

  21. Oldskool

    He looks a little like President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho. On lithium. I liked to see him run over Demint with one of those big mowers in the movie.

  22. Pandy

    [re=598429]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Or……if you want to be really conspiracy theory about it, they were planning to challenge it themselves (during the actual election) to make it look like that’s how the Dems won 2008. No?

  23. comicbookguy

    You guys are seriously underestimating the teabagger revolution earthquake storm that’s pulling the rug right out from under the washington establishment. Americans are fed up with the educated elites running things. They want Congress to be full of shut-ins, too anxiety-ridden to leave the house even to get the paper. The more time they spend mumbling to themselves “baby steps to the elevator” the less time they spend taking away our precious precious freedoms.

    Take a good look, this is the new face of American governance, and the new face of Brawndo! The Thirst Mutilator!

  24. comicbookguy

    [re=598430]V572625694[/re]: That is offensive to my robo-American heritage! Robot rights!

  25. Aflac Shrugged

    [re=598441]facehead[/re]: And four or five white guys with money and telephones to make him the Democratic nominee of anything, in South Carolina.

  26. Aflac Shrugged

    [re=598441]facehead[/re]: Also: Get up, uh, get-ge-get-get-down / Carolina Senate race’s a joke in my town.

  27. Holding Out for a Hero

    [re=598415]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: I damn near fell on the floor laughing. Well done!

  28. Schmegeg

    I wonder if this guy has met Nikki Haley? Does he hang around school choice conventions?

  29. dijetlo

    Let’s be honest, Wonketeers, this is South Carolina. In the pantheon of US of American “weird uncle” states, South Carolina is Earl, the one who got caught stirring the Christmas punch with his happy pole. It doesn’t really matter if the election was stolen, we all assumed it was going stolen before it even began, what’s important is it’s funny, in both senses of the word, so once again South Carolina does not disappoint.

  30. Jukesgrrl

    “…the voting machines chose Alvin Greene of their own accord.” Sheeple, The Borg are here!

  31. Monsieur Grumpe

    I’m picking up a Lizard People kind of a vibe from Mr Green. Has anyone seen him eating bugs?

  32. Geogre

    The machines choosing of their own accord is pretty real, I’m afraid. We stopped hearing the stories after 2004, but the incidents didn’t go away. Live free or Diebold.

    My favorite were the machines that would skip the page with the contentious vote page. If you were computer literate, you made the machine go back and give you the choices. If you weren’t (did you know that 70% of computer owners never install a single piece of software?) — aka an old or a poor — then, “You know, I don’t remember seeing a vote for Senate.”

    We sooooooooooooo need those machines, because they’re so much better than paper.

  33. V572625694

    [re=598446]comicbookguy[/re]: The only good robot is a dead robot!
    Robot, don’t let the sun set on you in this town!
    No robots need apply!

  34. babsinbuffalo

    But what I don’t get is (sorry … this isn’t funny or snarky) who did this ass-clown run against?????

  35. Jim89048

    [re=598475]V572625694[/re]: You obviously don’t know Geoff, the Skeleton Army robot on Craig Ferguson’s show.

  36. V572625694

    [re=598478]lux[/re]: [re=598474]Geogre[/re]: I’m watching Vic Rawl right now on Olberman. He looks pre-embalmed. Lacks the charisma of his primary opponent.

  37. V572625694

    [re=598482]Jim89048[/re]: The early bird dinner ends at 5:30; I’m usually in bed long before this youngster comes on the teevee. And the orderlies have all gone home by then anyway, and won’t roll my chair into the Community Room.

  38. lux

    snark isn’t natural for me.. instead I’d like you guys to consider this..

    The GOP/Tea party wackos have been pushing for no more ‘career politicians’ — and then (if this is a Rep. Plant.. and it appears it is) they go and get a joe the plumber unemployed average porn pusher guy elected to run against their CAREER POLITICIAN incumbent.. in the midst of an anti-incumbent cycle.?.

    This is so back asswards that it actually could have been predicted.

  39. dijetlo

    [re=598489]V572625694[/re]: V…what happened to your Rascal? You can’t fight socialism, Marxism, leftist Nigerianism and the evils of big Gubmint without yer Rascal! It’s free, that marvel of free market health insurance, our Medicare, pays for it all (like magic!).

  40. lux

    was thinking about it..

    I’d elect one of those fainting goats they used in ‘men who stare at goats’ before De Mint.

  41. NomDeNom

    The more this gets talked about, the bigger the Republican win. The democrats are so pathetic in SC, they couldn’t come up with anyone to beat this guy?? SC Dems really fucked the horse on this one.

    MsGlass: narcissusblind@hotmail.com

  42. Bitch_Brew

    Al Green and Lou Rawls are running for office in South Carolina? I thought Lou was dead.

  43. lukewarm

    [re=598491]lux[/re]: I actually think this guy has a shot. Can’t wait for the debates. I think he should champion mediocrity.

  44. Canmon (the Inadequate)

    [re=598483]V572625694[/re]: I thought something was wrong with my tv. Seeing them both, I think I would have gone for Greene.

  45. Zadig

    [re=598474]Geogre[/re]: Yes, because olds and poors never fucked up the paper ballots! And fraud wasn’t an issue back then!

    This is not to suggest that machine ballots aren’t hilariously fucked. They are. But this is pretty much par for the course, and I don’t mean just for elections, computers, or Florida.

  46. ladymacbeth

    [re=598496]NomDeNom[/re]:

    well technically they did come up with someone to beat this guy but the horsefuckers decided they didn’t want THAT guy (smart! maybe ethnic!) so the horsefuckers found a stooge.

    as is their wont.

    so yeah, have at it horsefuckers.

  47. AKAM80TheWolf

    [re=598510]Bitch_Brew[/re]:

    I think a dead Lou Rawls would show more brain activity than Alan Greene.

  48. iburl

    This should be a bigger story. What a failure of democracy, and the Democratic Party, in particular.

    I wish Howard Dean was still running the party instead of NOBODY!

  49. imissopus

    Is it a stretch to think there is still hope for a 32-year-old incomprehensible unemployed pervert shut-in to take a surprise win in a Senate election and vault himself to the presidency?

    Ladies and gentleman, the plot of Christopher Buckley’s next novel.

  50. Jukesgrrl

    [re=598510]Bitch_Brew[/re]: Dead people vote a lot of places. I don’t see why one of them can’t run for office.

  51. gurukalehuru

    It would not be the first time in recent American history that a mentally retarded person has achieved high office. Go Greene!

  52. hamletta

    [re=598487]Jim89048[/re]: Dude, my co-worker’s elderly mother was butchered by that quack. He’s out for blood.

  53. ALIVE!

    Perhaps JDM is worried about something coming out on him? Al Greene makes a nice poison pill.

  54. Geogre

    [re=598483]V572625694[/re]: Vic Rawls on Olbermann

    Where I live, there is a cable system that refuses to have MSNBC, because it’s liberal. FoxNews is on channel 4, though. We also get “the outdoor channel.” We have two “pray the way we say” channels, too.

    XM/Serius, though, gets here, and so I listen to Maddow and Olberman, and Rawls sounded reasonable and almost statesmanlike. It’s quite possible, as you say, that he had no personal charisma, that he was, as they say, no leader. However, let’s remember that Mr. Greene didn’t campaign. No one saw him, heard him, met him. Rawls campaigned, but only minimally, really.

    An 80/20 split? Nah. That’s far too close to the racial split. That would only happen if people knew the candidates.

    The machines decided, in accordance with their Ohio overlard: Ken Blackwell.

  55. Lake Affected

    [re=598616]ALIVE![/re]: Nah. The GOP is hoping to be able to say “seeeeee! Look how mean the Dems are to the blacks and the poors, they’re trying to stop them from being elected BY THE PEOPLE.” If they can’t do that, then they get to try “seeeeeee! Look at the kind of unemployed felony suspects the Democrats put up to represent YOU THE PEOPLE.”

  56. Gorillionaire

    [re=598411]Mad Brahms[/re]: Wingnuts live only to throw shit at “democrats” (or the caracature of democrats that lives in their nutty brains). What better way to make their opposition look bad than to force them to have a candidate that is outwardly dimwitted, has a charge for a sex crime, and is a minority to boot. If no one gets caught pulling off this caper then they will do it again and again X infinity.

  57. thefrontpage

    Alvin Greene has more right to be a U.S. Senator than about 80 of the current U.S. Senators.

    Alvin Greene should be elected to the U.S. Senate.

    And the morons who are jealous and racist and moronic should leave him the hell alone.

    Alvin Greene in 2010! Alvin Greene for U.S. Senator!

    Go Alvin!

  58. Hoplight

    [re=598477]babsinbuffalo[/re]: This is more than just the other dem. fivethirtyeight.com has some posts up if you are interested: http://www.fivethirtyeight.com/search/label/south%20carolina

    The election has, surprise surprise, other irregularities. I’d like to think they bit off too much this time. Normally their shenanigans don’t gain national attention. I hope some good old southern political boy’s club is collectively clenching their shitholes closed over this right now.

  59. Bearbloke

    [re=598418]populucious[/re]: You should expect Reich-wing pilgrimages to Greene’s father’s house (aka “The Eastern ‘White’ House”) to pick up any day now…

  60. zhubajie

    [re=598460]dijetlo[/re]: Well, I’ve often been told by professional historians that SC has the most interesting politics of any state, save perhaps the Great Banana Republic of the North, Louisiana.

  61. zhubajie

    [re=598519]lukewarm[/re]: Same here. He may be dumb, but lots of politicians are dumb. Inarticulate too. He likes sex with young women, so that’s an improvement on a lot of log-cabin closet republicans. He’s a veteran!

    I have no idea whom the Reptiles would put up against him, but he won’t be a Demosthenes or an Einstein. He’ll be a southern Republican, probably White, probably a George Bush supporter/imitator, hence probably dumb and inarticulate, too.

    Both will probably be Baptists or Pentecostals. They could both speak in tongues at the debates!

  62. zhubajie

    [re=598626]Geogre[/re]: Ohio overlord — that I can believe. Ohio rival Illinois or Louisiana in its corruption, but it’s usually boring corruption. Used to be you could get permission to give people driver’s licenses at your gas station/bait shop/drive-through liquor store, in exchange for a “donation” to the party in power. Then the Dems abolished this, and driver’s license were handed out by state troopers (not a smart bunch of people) at the county seat. It was far less convenient! How can you get a license if you have to drive to the next town?

  63. Matt in SC

    I’m still betting there is nothing to this. This doofus Greene signed up to be on the ballot. The Dem leadership failed to vet him. The other guy, Rawl was equally unknown. I live in Charleston, where Rawl sits on county council, but I never heard of Rawl either. The Dem leaders didn’t care about this race anyway, knowing DeMint would trounce whomever. Greene’s name appeared above Rawl’s on the ballot. Not knowing who either candidate was, the voters chose Greene simply because his name was listed first and/or perhaps because to the predominately African American faction of dem voters his name sounded ‘blacker’. Now its all a bunch of sour grapes from the Donkey powers-that-be.

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