Over the past year or so, our nation’s finest celebrities and citizens with camcorders have come together to help us gather up the sweet, sweet oil that is shooting into Mexico’s ocean and trying to get to freedom on America’s shores. There hasn’t been much success so far, but our friends at British Petroleum have lent a hand with a brilliant new plan: soak it up with paper towels.
Cleanup crews are on the scene right now tearing off individual paper towels and randomly dropping them in the gunk. And the results speak for themselves! (There are some paper towels here and there, in the oil.)
Also, there’s a dead dolphin in the vicinity of the paper towels (Grande Isle State Park, Louisiana), which is sad/gross.
To be fair to BP and its lazy, inept contractors, these paper towels are not paper towels per se, but rather “slightly thicker, oil-absorbent pads.” So do not call them “paper towels.” Call them “Maxi pads.” [Mother Jones]
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So…killing TREES AND DOLPHINS?!
Oops I oiled my gulf.
Think the Brawny guy could take on the Jolly Green Giant in a cage match?
The second post and we’ve already got alt-text; that’s the way to do it.
Certainly, there couldn’t be any unforeseen negative consequences to replacing a gulf filled with oil to one filled with oil-soaked paper towels…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Pacific_Garbage_Patch
…and yet, fancy towels are better than most areas are seeing.
I hear that iPads are ultra-absorbent.
Brit: Where’s the oil?
Madge the Manicurist (new BP spokesperson): You’re soaking in it.
Wait–Brawndo makes paper towels?
Thems are hydrophilic oil absorbent pads, I had to buy them by the hundred when I had an oil leak in my yacht’s diesel engine (in order to clean the bilge, so no oil would get pumped overboard). They are kinda neat, they absorb only oil, and not water.
It took 100 of them for me to mop up a few quarts of oil, so I suppose they only need a couple hundred million more of them, and everything would be just hunky-dory down there in Louisiana.
[re=598146]Elephants Gerald[/re]: I don’t know, but I have it on good information that nothing makes a woman feel better during that time of the month than to have a big brawny lumberjack between her legs.
hydrophobic, is that what I meant? They have rabies.
At least I kept my wits enough about me to remember to keep my mouth closed when waves splashed water thick with oil into my face. I suppose the 60 or so dolphins swimming the pass with us don’t have that option; things got a little (more) depressing in the kayak when we saw that they were blowing it out through their holes.
The dolphins will probably be thrilled to learn that BP has plans to be capturing 50,000 barrels of oil from the sea floor every day by the end of the month. Since that’s twice as much oil as they say is spewing out, it’ll be interesting to see whether that gets it all or if there’s still more.
[re=598158]Prommie[/re]: I can vouch for that. I had a job in the great north woods working as a cook for a spell.
[re=598158]Prommie[/re]: Sorry, kiddo, the Brawney Man is a four-alarm gaydar alert.
[re=598170]WadISay[/re]:
He’s a lumberjack and he’s ok….
Personally, I prefer tampons.
didn’t hopey say this is our environmental 9/11? we should be sending in mercenaries to pretend like they’re surrounding and capturing the oil, only to let it mysteriously slip through their grasp, at a cost to the government of a trillion dollars?
oh wait, i guess that’s what we’re already doing.
[re=598145]Gratuitous World[/re]: Maybe they just need to market this better – a la Peanut Butter cups:
“You got oil in my sea water!”
“You got sea water in my oil!”
Mmmmm, Reece’s oily sea water cups…
The Brawny Man looks like he could use a young rentboy to carry his bag. I just don’t know what to make of the rest of the packaging…”Pick-a-size”…”Big Roll”…”Thirsty O’s” I think these are options where reserving a bag-handler on the Rentboy.com site.
Why not just put a bunch of diapers on that spill? I hear “Oops, I Crapped My Pants” work great.
“Oops, I Fucked the Gulf”
[re=598174]Terry[/re]: He’s also, *shudder*, a ginger.
[re=598178]slappypaddy[/re]: If it’s the environmental 9/11, then in another year we’ll be using the spill as an excuse to go to war with coal.
New Brawny man features a much more clean shaven look, because “real ‘Mericans” know that mustahces are only for teh gays, teh hipsters and teh coloreds.
Thirsty O’s?
Actually I do get mighty thirsty after an O, so ok
Oh man, BP should totally recruit a bunch of 4th graders to help with the clean up. If I recall correctly, 4th graders are the world’s experts on which paper towels are most absorbent, since they compared at least three brands for their recent science fair projects.
4th graders could also start offering their expertise on volcanoes to such political luminaries as Bobby Jindal.
Whenever I get overwhelmed by the world’s problems and the impending doom for humanity that the sea floor is now vomiting up to erase us all from the planet, I go back to the Wonkette archives and reread that piece about fucking Orly Taitz and how she’s “wetter and tighter,” than girls “half her age.”
It really takes my mind off things, in a way that nothing else can even approach. So maybe once again it’s time to take stock of all the wonderful things that happened not so long ago, not so far away.
http://wonkette.com/412157/heres-some-great-news-about-orly-taitz
OT, but where’s Wonkette on the Alvin Greene story? It’s just beautiful!
[re=598169]Elephants Gerald[/re]: but you never did like it much and one day the ax just fell.
[re=598158]Prommie[/re]: Case in point
The commenters on that MJ article really bring the stoopid.
Submitted by Loseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili (not verified) on Sat Jun. 12, 2010 6:34 PM PDT.
You’re wasting you’re breathe on people that barely understand their own culture any wonder America’s is in the toilet.
So it’s not just a wingtard thing.
[re=598182]bored with gravity[/re]: Sorry, Sen. Vitter has depleted the entire supply in that region.
I’ve heard from watching TV at 2 in the morning that Sham wow is way more absorbant.
Maybe the plastic kiddies’ shovels weren’t pulling their weight.
http://bit.ly/bcVNjJ
[re=598196]Dolmance[/re]: Somehow I missed that the first time, ty!
So the new head of MMS will be Rosie the Waitress?
[re=598205]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: But only if your warshing your car or any other vee-hick-kull.
[re=598182]bored with gravity[/re]: This is a job for Big Brawn.
[re=598152]El Pinche[/re]: Ha! Memories….
Actually, “your pelican’s soaking in it” might work better.
the sweet, sweet oil that is shooting into Mexico’s ocean and trying to get to freedom on America’s shores.
Good one, newbie. Keep it up.
It all depends on how you use the paper towels.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AAa0gd7ClM
They need the quicker Picker Upper.
[re=598169]Elephants Gerald[/re]: Tangled up in red, were you?
They’re not dead, the dolphins have “achieved an exciting new paradigm of survival.”
[re=598182]bored with gravity[/re]: Diapers? With all that oil, it would take a whole shitload of diapers. And then Vitter would go ballistic with fears of a sudden shortage. He just might have to fuck his wife for awhile.
[re=598187]JMP[/re]: Actually, I could think of worse outcomes.
[re=598337]Mr Blifil[/re]: Yes, let’s do be sensitive to the needs of the alternatively vital.
[re=598158]Prommie[/re]: Do you think Sarah P uses pads with American flags printed on them? Or maybe tampons? That would really be internalizing her patriotism. And if anyone ever puts together me and my screen name, I will never quit blushing. At least I quit before I said that would be a way to bleed for your fl–shit. I did it. Sorry to any men I grossed out.
I think the Sham-wow is the better option, and if you order in the next 30 minutes (because we can’t sell them at this price all day) then w will double your order for free.
Bloomberg says that this is no time to blame BP and hit them with investigations, because they need to be focused on cleaning this up, not on court cases. Exactly right, mayor. Those corporate lawyers are down there distributing those maxi pads as fast as they can go. Why distract them with the criminal investigations that are this country’s only hope to have the leverage to make those limey bastards take responsibility for this mess?
[re=598187]JMP[/re]: Is that wishful thinking? Go to war with coal, as in develop alternative energy sources? Or am I dreaming? Okay, yeah, I’m dreaming.
I carried Brawny’s luggage to White Party Montreal. I would definitely classify her as a lipstick bear.
[re=598174]Terry[/re]: WIN!! “He works at night and he sleeps all day.”
You rule for the Python reference.
man i would not fuck that rotten pink toxic dolphin carcass for a million bucks
y’know what, how do you delete a comment
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