lighten up francis

Angry Dingbat Yells At Long-Dead Historical Figures


Meet Rick Barber, your patriotic candidate for Congress from Alabama’s (we don’t know) district. He closed down the honky tonk again, and now he’s yelling at the demons of his imagination: Brewer-Patriot Sam Adams, socialist Parisian Benjamin Franklin and liberty-crushing whiskey-taxer George Washington. And he irritated these ghosts so much that Washington’s gonna crawl out of the grave and order another government raid on the teabaggers who don’t want to pay their booze taxes!

Dave Weigel analyzes Rick Barber’s paranoid rant that was actually delivered to an empty longneck after last call:

He appeals to Washington as the owner of a distillery who “knows how tough it is to run a small business without a tyrannical government on your back.” But President Washington presided over, and approved, the first tax levied by the federal government — the 1791 whiskey tax. When the tax met resistance, he approved the assembling of militias to enforce the law and mobilization of agents to collect the revenue. So the Barber daydream of Washington angrily ordering a “gathering of armies” to oppose a tax is… well, entertaining, I guess.

So the ghost of George Washington is going to crush Rick Barber? Good! Because even Rick Barber knows that the U.S. must crush terrorists within its borders! And that’s why this small-government teabagger is going to, uh, stomp the fuckin’ Mooslims when they try to open a mosque in Manhattan. Did you know 9/11 happened in Manhattan (and two other places)?

Lighten up, Francis. And take your meds before the veins burst right out of your forehead. [Washington Post]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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74 comments

  1. pirate king of the Jews

    My name’s Rick Barber and I’m angry. If your angry too you should vote for me so I can go to Washington and yell at real politicians instead of bad actors in crappy costumes, oh and A-rabs.
    My name’s Rick Barber and I approve this tirade.

  2. V572625694

    Weigel better watch it — he’s making too much sense to be a Libertarian much longer.

  3. Cicada

    “And I would impeach him!”

    They’re going to try this, aren’t they? They’re going to pull Ken Starr out of his dank hidey-hole and set him loose on some bullshit investigation in the middle of a world wide financial crisis and two wars.

    Yee-haw!

  4. Geogre

    Now this is the kind of baggot candidate I like: a Doofus magnet. Basically, press his name on the touch screen, and your finger turns purple (we’ll say that’s a combination of red, white, and blue).

    Special pleading for the special ed.

  5. JMP

    Damn, that dude’s crazy; and you didn’t even mention the promise to impeach, presumably Obama. Ugh; the teabaggers don’t realize the Constitution specifies “high crimes and misdemeanors” as reason for impeachment, and Obama has not committed any crimes.

    Of course, they previously used a blowjob as an excuse to impeach a Democratic President, and if the Reps do take over Congress I wouldn’t be surprised if some pull some excuse for another bullshit impeachment out of their asses.

  6. Katydid

    Um, the IRS can’t raise taxes, only the representative Congress can. Nice hats, though.

  7. V572625694

    Rick’s Web site bio is pretty entertaining. This Marine Corps veteran was a combat data processor in the dangerous realm known as “Okinawa.” Now he runs a billiard parlor.

  8. Terry

    You know, the area around the field in Pennsylvania where one of the 9/11 planes crashed has a pretty depressed economy. I think that the folks in that area should announce that an Al-Quaida training camp is being built right on the field. Make sure all the tea bagger websites know about it. Then, post a few well placed suggestions on the web about long term protests at the site. This would bring in tea baggers from all over, hopefully. They’d have to either stay in hotels or park their RV’s in parks and campground. They’d have to eat in restaurants or buy groceries locally.

    It would be an economic short term boom for the area.

  9. hockeymom

    I will be shocked, simply shocked if we find out that Rick turns out to be fairly angry/violent in his personal life, as well.

  10. Katydid

    [re=597852]Cicada[/re]: Does Alabama want a Congressman who doesn’t know how Congress works? Don’t answer that.

  11. Ted Kennedy Breakdancing

    Look at :53 of the Ground Zero Video.

    Microphone in the shot you fucking lunatic.

    Don’t these teabagging assholes know how to tape something twice? Jesus Christ, now I’m going to be pissed off all day.

  12. JMP

    [re=597845]Katydid[/re]: I like that reporting your income is “spying on yourself” and audits are horribly malicious; I guess the IRS should just trust that no-one would ever lie on their tax returns.

    You’d think this nut would be too crazy to win, but this is Alabama. Still, I do want to thank the teabaggers for the slew of candidates who will have a much harder time in their general elections than sane Republicans would; Harry Reid in particular must be thankful for them.

  13. Egregious

    Jebus! Even with the sound off (couldn’t bring myself to actually listen to him), it seems as if Ricky is about one Koranic verse away from an aneurysm…in which case:

    “57:1 All that is in heaven and earth gives glory to Allah. He is the Mighty, the Wise One.”

  14. Katydid

    I could be wrong, but I think I read it’s not a mosque near the WTC site, it’s an Islamic community center. And that there was no good reason to deny the petition. Doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter, it’s the propaganda and demagoguery that counts.

  15. Katydid

    [re=597861]Egregious[/re]: Then you missed the best part (I’m paraphrasing): Islams means surrender! dah-da-da-dah

    It actually translates as submission to God, which the baggers love, esp. for women. No, wait, the women submit to the husband, the husband submits to God. But the proper God. Ah, I get it now.

  16. Geogre

    His expression, when he wrinkles up his face into a rictus of wrath, is a clear imitation. I would be four quatloos that we find several Henry Rollins videos in the shoebox under his bed.

    What’s most amusing is the split-second jump from, “Ok, are you ready” to “I hate! I’m mad! Bag smash!” facial expression. He has to put his pouty face on, mainly by trying to get his eyes to invade the sovereignty of his nose.

  17. Prommie

    They want their country back, these baggers; I know this because a bumper sticker told me so. Who do they want it back from? The black man who stole it.

  18. Katydid

    [re=597863]CthuNHu[/re]: Well, if it’s not a man-made disaster, then God did it. Which must mean God’s not on our side, so we’re fucked. But God is on our side, so it must be a man-made disaster. But Obummer said it’s a man-made disaster, so it can’t be. But if it’s not a man-made disaster, then God isn’t….oh, this political thinking is hard. Better just get all shouty.

  19. JamesMichaelCurley

    His incumbent opponent is first Democrat Bobby Bright, who beat Republican Jay Love in 2008 by less than 2000 votes. this was the first time the district elected a Democrat in decades. Bobby Bright was not registered as a Democrat before the primary as he was Mayor of Montgomery which holds non-partisan elections.

    All in all, sounds like fertile ground for a wing nut tea bagger to stomp some liberal az.

  20. Senile Agitation

    Gentlemen, start your armies! You know what it’s like to try to make or sell drunky juice without a tyrannical government on your back! It’s wicked hard. Thanks goodness we have one right here, and it’s run by a Negro. George, didn’t you used to boss a bunch of blackies? I say bring back the day! This time travel is so cool!

  21. V572625694

    [re=597860]JMP[/re]: I’m guessing that Rick had a few IRS problems with his original computer repair bidness before he sold out, like maybe gaming the employee withholding. Dirty bastards at the IRS no likey when you do dat.

  22. JMP

    [re=597861]Egregious[/re]: Oh, it’s the typical explosion of big-time bigotry, claiming we’re at war with “Islamic Jihad,” every Muslim everywhere is responsible for the acts of 19 individuals, and to treat Muslim Americans like actual human being with rights is surrender.

  23. dex

    “their only drive is for the taxes which sustain them. we must not be lulled by the concept that these are our founding fathers or our friends. they will not respond to such emotions. they must be. destroyed. on. sight!”

  24. dr.giraud

    [re=597846]V572625694[/re]: Huh. Why do I think that this ex-Marine could be the poster boy for why the Okinawans want that US base moved, hmm?

  25. JMP

    [re=597863]CthuNHu[/re]: Well, for the Republicans 9/11 was not a man-made disaster; it was a man-made opportunity.

  26. Can O Whoopass

    “Nobama” called 9/11, BP ans da Teabaggers “man-made disasters”?

    LYNCH HIM NOW, y’all!!

  27. lizzieborden

    At first I was wondering why Red from “That 70′s Show” was in politics. But this guy, while he has the anger, doesn’t seem all that threatening.

  28. freakishlystrong

    Ok, add “tyranny” to the list of words I hate in 2009-10. Just behind “Patriots”. Number one has gotta be “Conservative” especially when used with “values”.

  29. JMP

    [re=597872]V572625694[/re]: Why does the IRS so maliciously prosecute the proud American tax cheats?

  30. engulfedinflames

    [re=597856]4tehlulz[/re]: Where are the democrat (socialist) operatives spreading fear and disinformation when we need them?

    Enough of this logic and reason, time to play their game. Forward! with rumors and stupidity.

  31. libwakman

    Who DARES to erect a place of worship that deifies anybody but Peace Luvin’ Jeebus H. Christonacross?

  32. JMP

    [re=597905]TGY[/re]: Now, they know a lot about history; it’s just that everything they know is completely wrong.

  33. el_chupacabra

    [re=597848]Lazy Media[/re]: gahhhh. beat me to it. now what am i gonna do with this pocketful of horses joke?

  34. smitallica

    “Yep, I would impeach him! Because I clearly have no idea when that is appropriate! And I didn’t vote for him! And he’s black! Also!!!!”

    And some solace for Mr. Washington: Even with a tyrannical government, it probably gets a lot easier to run a business when you have a bunch of free, enslaved labor to pitch in.

  35. Zadig

    [re=597847]Terry[/re]: Plus it creates jobs in the acting sector when you hire some locals to wear dirty robes, turbans, and fake beards and then go to the site in question and jabber unintelligibly in front of the enraged ‘baggers. You better believe there’s hazard pay.

  36. 102415

    [re=597848]Lazy Media[/re]: Thank you, because we can never forget the Fucking Father of our fucking country.

  37. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=597843]JMP[/re]: Being a negro on a sunny day is no longer a crime? How far we’ve come!

  38. crapshooter102

    Hey Ken I was on Okinawa for a short period of time and if that was my permanent duty station, I’d be pissed too. I mean you’re on a little Rock surrounded by Poisonous Sea Snakes and foreign looking people and the only good restaurant is on Kadena AFB. Seriously, if Alabamiams elect this guy I’m going to be pissed even worse than this jerk.

  39. JMP

    [re=597975]102415[/re]: No, the Fucking Father of our country was Ben Franklin; from Boston to Philly to London to Paris, he fucked every woman in sight.

  40. Cmoney

    “Gather your armies.”

    Hahahahaha! History is just whatever. Make it up, Rick, you have to cheat. The Obamunists force you to. It’s all good.

  41. mamandesfilles

    We got trouble! Right here in River City. That is a capital T that rhymes with P that stands for pool!

  42. 13ollocks To The Rules

    Fascinating – from his Facebook page, his Missus’ name is Lithia. Is that the feminine of “Lithium”? I guess getting home for a big ol’ dose of “Lithia” just doesn’t do the job like a big ol’ dose of Lithium would.

  43. DemmeFatale

    The stupid ol’ tea tax, TEA TAX, people!!!
    (But I thought these guys took their tea VERY seriously.)

  44. GOPCrusher

    [re=598114]Noonan[/re]: I don’t grasp the mindset of these people, threatening violence if they don’t get their way, and then fall back on the “the Left are doing all the violence” defense. This yahoo seems like just the type to park a cement truck full of diesel fuel and fertilizer outside a Federal building or crash a plane into an IRS building.

  45. Jukesgrrl

    [re=597907]Lake Affected[/re]: “OMG Louis Gohmert + Michele Bachmann + this guy = best House EVAR.”

    You forgot Virginia Foxx and Marge Schmidt. Pre-teabag, but still fuckin nuts.

  46. eekahil

    Oh, JMP at 10:06 am, I think I just fell a little in love with you for that remark. *sighs*

  47. eekahil

    “He spent his childhood in Arlington, Texas in a modest home with a Christian upbringing.”

    His house was upbringed Christian? Huh. I done heered of barn-raisin’ and roof’ raisin – heck; I even heered about Rum Raisin but I didn’t know them things had to do with Jeezism!

  48. eekahil

    vid 2 @ 1:04
    “Ah won’t mince words…” . Which don’t mean he ain’t gonna mince at all, if ya feel me, just sayin, all good, don’t take this the wrong way &c.

  49. Geogre

    [re=598114]Noonan[/re]: Oh, no! I have to watch “The View?” Really? I’d rather watch a book. Right now it’s The Book of Five Rings and 1688: The Political Revolution. They’re both much, much more entertaining than watching “The View.”

    He was brought up in a house with a Christian upbringing. The Christian upbringing was named Larry, but it left to join the clergy, and Rick never paid much attention to it anyway.

    (A person can come from any sort of home and be any other sort of person, after all. Otherwise, the Calvinist conversion narrative makes no sense.)

  50. Dashboard_Buddha

    It almost sounds like Benthomas Jeffington is saying, “gather your armies…and leave us the fuck out of it”.

  51. SnarkNotFark

    Oh come on, this was just a clip from an upcoming remake of “The Shining.”

    REDRUM!

    REDRUM!

    (Spoiler Alert: It’s ‘murder’ backwards)

  52. Lake Affected

    You know, sometimes I talk to people who aren’t really there–they don’t sport powdered wigs, but that’s an easy fix. As soon as I master the bulging forehead vein and the tonic-clonic seizures, I think I might be ready for my own Congressional run.

  53. PalinsAfterbirth

    Alabama: If there was any more lead in the drinking water down there you could make bullets out it.

Comments are closed.