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'I'm afraid of Americans.'
Wonkette operative “Lily E.” was just driving around the outskirts of Madison, Virginia, this weekend when she was compelled to snap this picture of America 2010. It’s all there, everything. Everything.

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150 COMMENTS

  1. You’d think that fast food places would know by now better than to name a burger the Angus Burger, due to vandalism. Unless, of course, they’re inviting it. In which case, might I suggest the Fugck Burger.

  2. The Anus Burger – an anus stuck between two buns…seems a little redundant – after all, where else would the anus be?
    “I’d like my anus well done, please” “Certainly – let me call Father Mahoney….”
    An Anus Bugger?

  3. [re=597598]gurukalehuru[/re]: They should have asked Black Angus about all the “G’s” that have been shot out or stolen from their signs… Uh, duh?!?

    (Also, I think this is how the Hamburgler became the Turdburgler.)

  4. The Pig-N-Steak Restaurant and H&R Block thank you for your patronage, too. Nothing says ‘Murica like BBQed swine parts and a completed Form 1040, U.S. Individual Income Tax Return form.

  5. [re=597608]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: It isn’t a well oiled anus burger: It’s an anus burger with gas.

    It’s tempting to see our vandal as accidentally speaking to BP, but so far commentors are skipping over that due to frequent beatings and whippings and are instead just thinking “one bad, two bad, hrair bad things.”

    I do like the idea, though, that McD is telling BP to have an anus burger, but I think their current burgermeister, Tony Hayward, is already an anus.

  6. And that shall be the picture with our epitaph in future history books. Wait…those are being rewritten (thanks, Texas). Dang.

  7. Nice capture, “Lily E.” But we know you took this right before you pulled into the drive and ordered a “McGangBang.” (I don’t do html thingies, so Google it, for fun.)

    And re: Those poor fatties rolling towards their doom:

    Finish the dang fence!

  8. Needs a beer billboard in the background and a church nearby. As for Anus Burgers, it’s a sure bet if you have ever consumed ground meat of any variety, sphincter has been a component. Happy Dining!

  9. From the Anagramistic Vandal…

    – Grungy Rat Abuser
    – Gray Tuna Burgers
    – Angry Uterus Grab
    – Runty Burger Saga
    – Natures Gray Grub
    – Bugger Run Astray

  10. Cool, a place to fill two voids in one stop. I can go and fill up my gigantic Cadillac Escalade and my hollow stomach at the same time. Now, do they have any men there?

  11. [re=597641]Jim89048[/re]: You mean Marlboro, don’t ya?

    [re=597655]Diana Davies[/re]: Oh yes many men at McDonalds, with their snuff pouches on their belts and their wallets also chained thereto, and their swollen panniculi hanging over their big-buckled belts. They’re the ones idling their 450-hp Diesel pickups towing bass boats in the drive-through — gotta save gas, ya know! Once in a while they go inside to use to bathroom, so that’d be your opportunity.

  12. [re=597651]Gay as Hell[/re]: Wasn’t “Angry Uterus Grab” a Huggy Bear album?
    [re=597652]Servo[/re]: Thank you for ruining my morning bagel.

  13. [re=597660]V572625694[/re]: When I smoked, I always thought filters were dumb. Camels or GTFO. I think Winston has a spot in real US America’s heart because they sponsored NASCAR for so many years.

  14. Is the ‘Anus Burger’ a teatard favorite and their two sized too small briefs? Does it come slathered with Preparation H, for the oldes, and garnished with lightly salted poisoned rat dicks, just because.

  15. [re=597665]Jim89048[/re]: You sir are, to the extent one can tell on the Internet, a real man. As was I in my Chesterfield days, cough cough. Twentyo-one great tobaccos make twenty wonderful smokes! Thank goodness NASCAR has found its true home/sponsor/demographic/cultural match, on Fox.

  16. [re=597637]the problem child[/re]: “And why does Madison, VA not have sidewalks?”

    Many suburban sprawl zones (not really called towns or cities) don’t have sidewalks. Everyone has cars and they stopped walking in order to gain weight. And because the only people who do walk are lowly mexicans (who mow all the pretty grass) and jogger types. Speaking of which, if jogging is healthy, dodging cars is healthier, so, fuck having sidewalks.

  17. [re=597667]V572625694[/re]: Today, and possibly today only, Fox wins the time zone-dependent morning/afternoon by broadcasting Formula 1 instead.

  18. [re=597668]DC Hates Me[/re]: The following industries thank America’s sprawl zone (great term!) “governments” for discouraging non-motorized travel:

    * Big Pharma: Plavix, Lipitor, etc
    * Big Med (a division of Big Pharma): bypass surgeries, heart transplants, stents, etc
    * Big Oil: as if it were necessary to explain
    * Big Homebuilding: each new sprawl zone must be farther out than the last, where land is cheaper
    * Big (i.e. fat) white people: for leaving non-white-America’s children behind in crumbling schools.

  19. [re=597673]V572625694[/re]: Also include the following for when the occasional person realizes they’re too fat:
    *Jenny Craig company
    *C celebrities in Jenny Craig ads
    *Acacia Internet diet-pill company

  20. The composition of the photo is sublime. The two beloved companies, situated tightly in the foreground, reflect the deep inner paradox of being the former British colony that is America. For we all need the anus burger, do we not? But how must America arrive at the local anus burger dispensary? Human flight? Nay, by auto vehicular transportation, reifying our desire for foreign oil. Yet, how may we get this supposed ‘oil’? The American must betray their Deity-given right to drive-thru everything—by walking, as are the two hopeless slobs in the background, searching eternally for a way not to walk, right next to H&R Block, which assuredly has repossessed their home and children.

    Lily E. is the greatest artist of our generation.

  21. [re=597685]El Pinche[/re]: “…o’er the land of thaaaaa free…and the home…of thaaaa…BRAVE!!!!!!”

    (sniffsniffwipetear)

  22. [re=597693]Mr Blifil[/re]: It’s not far from that offer to, “I’ll send poor people’s children off to die in Iraq for cheap gas.”

  23. [re=597679]thesheriffisnear[/re]: Getting OT here, but that whole thing never made sense to me, but Encyclopedia Dramatica (no link to spyware-infested site) finally made it make sense to me:

    The quote was an obvious rip-off of [chicken] producer Frank Perdue’s original catchphrase, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken”, which went badly wrong when Anastos tried to use it. The original Perdue campaign also generated unintentional lulz when the [Spanish] translation of their catchphrase ended up telling people, “It takes a hard man to get your ‘chicken’ aroused” (“polla” meaning ‘dick’ in Spanish). It’s pretty obvious that Anastos meant this version.

  24. [re=597686]facehead[/re]: Lily E. is the greatest artist of our generation.

    So true. I saw this picture in the tips email and immediately thought, “This is our era’s Andy Warhol making silkscreens of Chairman Mao.”

  25. [re=597622]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: [re=597640]WadISay[/re]: [re=597685]El Pinche[/re]: It would be my three-way tie, but El P. gets an extra point for the hard work and the tear.

  26. [re=597601]ez[/re]: “Thank God the ingredients in the ’secret sauce’ are indeed, secret.”

    The secret sauce has to be santorum.

  27. So this must be the asshole “theme weekend” @Wonkette: First up with Bush then Caribou Barbie, and now BP and Anus Burgers. I’m liking it, kinda like a party on the internets. Keep up the good work editors!

  28. Hey, here’s the most interesting quote I’ve seen today: “Obviously, the health care reform bill was highly debated by a lot of people and I guess, I’m glad that, you know, a bill was passed.”

    Any guesses on who it was who said it?

  29. [re=597702]Ken Layne[/re]: It ain’t easy. Some bitter old man yelled at me in Home Depot parking lot for taking a picture of his wingnut version of the Pussy Wagon pickup (“Don’t Tread on Me” snake flag on the entire tail gate, etc). Forget AR-15s, I was nearly bored to death with his commie conspiracy soliloquy. Lily E is a hero in my book.

  30. it’s good to see that in america we have learned the lessons of frugality and are letting nothing go to waste.

    (what a foto! i weep with joy.)

  31. [re=597653]Fly Over Girl[/re]: I once saw a chicken restaurant in China which had stolen the Quaker Oats man for their sign. Next to his sick grin was the name: Mr Cock.

    Zhu Bajie

  32. [re=597711]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Here’s a hint: when you see the accompanying picture of the speaker, you’ll say, “I’d hit that.”

  33. [re=597618]Jukesgrrl[/re]: I went to college down there, and trust me, you don’t want that. Madison, VA is within a few miles of Lynchburg, Jerry Falwell’s home base. It’s a weird scene.

  34. In the spirit of open thread:

    Oklahoma Rep. Rex Duncan has proposed a ballot measure to make sure that liberal judges in his state do not follow international or Sharia law-
    That’s why I never want to go to Oklahoma again, it’s overrun with liberals and moslems and it’s a bitter windswept cultureless shithole.

    Oh, wait…strike that part about liberals and moslems.

  35. [re=597711]SayItWithWookies[/re]: My first thought when I clicked the link was “Wow, Barbara Bush is so hot.” Then I scrolled down and thought “Wow, Barbara Bush looks like Michelle Bachman.” I’d still hit it, though.

  36. A postcard from a slice of America. You see? It’s not the whole thing but it’s definitely there. There’s a bit of a stereotype in all of us. Now, let’s see who can put a hot dog behind that anus burger.

  37. [re=597730]samsuncle[/re]: That one was hidden in plain sight since Ken posted. Thanks for spotlighting it as if through an anally angled picture window.

  38. [re=597608]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: No, for 249 quid/9s they can be had; known in cockney slang and by Rich Lowry as anal starbursts.

  39. [re=597711]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I haven’t clicked on the link yet, but based on syntax as much as irony, I’d guess George Bush. I’m going back to see if I’m right.

  40. [re=597752]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Great. Now the Russians will want back in again.

    I anticipate a campaign by the Bolivian government: “No blood lithium.”

  41. [re=597733]NYNYNY[/re]: Also along those lines, Pres. O is coming to the *other* Gulf states he’s not been to. One is mine; however, he’s coming to a tiny dot on our map called Theodore. He oughta be a man go to Mobile, where they’d let him know the Wrath of God!! Or at least a bit larger town/village, such as Magnolia Springs or Fairhope.

    God hates AL.

  42. [re=597765]Words[/re]: I lived in Theodore in the late ’80s and back then it did look like god hated AL. I guess things don’t change much.

  43. [re=597765]Words[/re]: God and I do not diverge greatly in our judgement on AL. I had a very Easyriders-esque moment in a Waffle House in Mobile and couldn’t wait to find my way back to the interstate.

  44. [re=597769]Fly Over Girl[/re]: “Perhaps better the Quaker Oates dude than adapting that shapely syrup bottle into Aunt Vagina.”

    I hear that stuff is not even genuine Mabel anymore. It’s made with high-fucktose corn syrup now.

    (Sorry!)

  45. [re=597759]Jukesgrrl[/re]: That’s what happens to English when it starts at a circumlocuitious New England Protestant Brahmin who probably grew up in a household where the piano legs were covered for modesty and filter it through Yale’s version of Hank Williams Jr. with a 4,000 word vocabulary.
    What’s frankly miraculous is that she and Jenna aren’t self-absorbed privileged snots — at least not outwardly. Jenna’s doing some sort of education charity, I think. It’s almost like they’ve taken it upon themselves to redress some of the excesses of their father’s pillaging of the foundations of our civilization.
    And how egalitarian of Dubya to include his own offspring in the generations who will be paying for his reckless careen through history.

  46. [re=597641]Jim89048[/re]: [re=597699]V572625694[/re]: But where are the recruiting posters for the two/three/four ? wars you Yanks are fighting for that sweet petroleum and those newly-discovered minerals? You’re going to need many more troops once the new boy-king of Knifecrime Island accedes to the increasingly harrumph -y demands of his nation’s BP-stockholding pensioners and withdrawals his Squaddies from the fields of BushAfghIraqiPakstan following Obama’s (probable? ) refusal to sweep this whole nasty BP-ecological-holocaust business under the proverbial rug and cease “demonising the Fine British People”, like a good chap…

    Perhaps BP can fund the recruitment and training costs, and McDonald’s can feed them?

  47. [re=597774]Bearbloke[/re]: I keep waiting to hear how much my own pension plan has invested in BP and how truly fucked I am. Since I’m too old to enlist to fight and die for the glory and honor of BP, I suppose I have to do the next best thing in their eyes and just die already.

  48. [re=597778]I Heart Accuracy[/re]: A good egalitarian war crimes prosecutor wouldn’t rest until Dubya was hanging by his thumbs from a castle wall overlooking the North Sea. Better?

  49. [re=597780]SayItWithWookies[/re]: With that image and all the booze, I can now sleep.

    But since you mentioned castles, could you work in “pitard” next time? I love that word.

  50. Ah, shit and now the minerals thing is hitting the tubes. God damned 24 hour news cycles. Marketwatch is already all over it. Hang Seng commodity futures, everybody place your bets!

  51. And for the goyim who thought “kosher” at least meant a minimum of cleanliness and purity, may I introduce you to the FDA-recognized foodstuff: “Kosher Turkey Anus.”

    Enjoy your Yankee Stadium hot dogs, tools. C.M.O.T. Dibbler thanks you for your custom and looks forward to your future business.

  52. [re=597788]Bearbloke[/re]: I love the smell of corroboration in the morning. It smells like… victory. One day this ritual-purity pigshit is gonna end…. (Walks away sadly.)

    By the by, if all Americans are Yankees, then all Australians are English. And this American never eats animal protein out of a can, and would have to flip a coin if faced with cannibalism or sausage.

  53. In the background you can see the sign for local BBQ joint the Pig n’ Steak. That’s where real uhmerican vuhjinyans go to shove meat down their gullet.

    seriously if you’re ever in the area, go there instead of the mcdonalds/BP monstrosity

  54. [re=597791]GreenHalo[/re]: Those waddling fatties walking along in front of the pig-n-steak, I bet they have some fine, well-marbled meat on their bones, like Kobe beef.

  55. [re=597903]Prommie[/re]: Excuse my being stupid, but the first time you popped up in this thread, you cold-busted a non-sequitur about some… pig-n-steak, and Kobe beef… Which isn’t against the law, but you addressed it to me. I beg your pardon, but what was that all about, again? I’m always willing to learn.

  56. [re=597711]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Could of knocked me over with a feather when I heard Babs utter that phrase on Faux Noise Sunday. But, of course, the Tea Baggers will argue that it’s further proof that the Bush Crime Family are not real conservatives. Real conservatives want the poor to die in the streets.

  57. [re=598013]chaste everywhere[/re]: Only for Muslin customers.

    [re=597729]m_supercomputer[/re]: actually, no, this is Madison, VA close to Culpeper, right off Rte 29.

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