THE HACK AND THE MUSTACHE TREE  4:55 pm June 11, 2010

The Atlantic Hiring 29 Journalists and an Idiot

by Ken Layne

Can you type banal bullshit from the golf course?
The media industry has fully recovered, as evidenced by this job listing seeking thirty (30!) journalists at the Atlantic Media Group. But Atlantic Media Group’s National Journal just got rid of thirty (30!) journalists through buyouts, so the net gain of Journalism Jobs is zero (0). Still, this is enough for a shitty trend column by banal global golfer and language rapist Tom Friedman. Wait a minute, that’s just what The Atlantic needs!

Wonkette operative “Tom Y.” sent along this Want Ad with the subject line, “ATLANTIC SEEKS TO CLONE WORLD’S WORST COLUMNIST,” which is about right. Except for the cloning part. Atlantic Media Group clearly wants to find and groom and create the next awful conventional wisdom hack on the bestseller list, and they hope to find this Mustache of the Future while the economy’s still in the toilet and every journalist fears for his or her job, every single day, until the inevitable layoff/shutdown/accidental explosion.

So, if you’ve been wishing the Atlantic Monthly had more in the way of 800-word brain farts by confused middle-aged men sitting in first class who just realized the logo on the napkin looks like a rising star or whatever, then maybe YOU are the new Tom Friedman, but of The Atlantic. Good luck, and enjoy the Pulitzers! [Atlantic Media job classifieds]

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Cornelius June 11, 2010 at 5:00 pm

Don’t they mean Economist “rigour”? And isn’t one of their competitors owned by the Economist?

JMP June 11, 2010 at 5:01 pm

They need give the candidate search six more months, then it should turn around.

Red Zeppelin June 11, 2010 at 5:03 pm

Hey, I got yr original commentary right here douchebags!

bago June 11, 2010 at 5:05 pm

The term you are seeking is “serial language rapist”. Dude had a column.

SayItWithWookies June 11, 2010 at 5:08 pm

Does it take Tom Friedman insight to recognize that any employment with a company that gets rid of 30 people so it can hire 30 cheaper people isn’t going to be a long-term commitment? Maybe things’ll improve in six months…

SmutBoffin June 11, 2010 at 5:10 pm

“…’ATLANTIC SEEKS TO CLONE WORLD’S WORST COLUMNIST,’ which is about right. Except for the cloning part.”

What about Dickie Cohen or Peggington? I guess they’ll have to share the tropy.

One Yield Regular June 11, 2010 at 5:10 pm

Still, it has to be better than the “Reader’s Digest rigor, Sarah Palin twatterings’” they have over at National Review.

Snarkalicious June 11, 2010 at 5:17 pm

[re=597235]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Not likely. They have to shit-can you before that to avoid unemployment (or in modern parlance: Retirement Benefit) payments.

Today we are all ‘contract workers’.

harry palmer June 11, 2010 at 5:18 pm

I’ve been waiting forever for my subscription to run out so I can tell the Atlantic to “suck on this.” That rag has gotten unreadable in the last couple of years.

Here’s the Mustache of Understanding’s greatest hit:

slappypaddy June 11, 2010 at 5:20 pm

they say they have 30 openings for two dozen reporters who are possessed of economist rigor. good luck with the maths on all that, though maybe it does provide a clue regarding journalistic standards and economic reportage. and anyhoo, that’s jobs for nearly every remaining journalist in the english-speaking world. let’s drink!

JMP June 11, 2010 at 5:20 pm

I’m also not sure if I’d want to work for a media company that thinks that two dozen is the same as 30, and seems to have a little trouble writing coherent sentences. Here’s a clue: a dependent clause should begin with a relative pronoun, like “that”, “who” or “which”.

the problem child June 11, 2010 at 5:20 pm

“working down either of two paths” = escorts who do call-ins vs. escorts who do call outs?

Snarkalicious June 11, 2010 at 5:30 pm

[re=597244]slappypaddy[/re]: [re=597245]JMP[/re]: They just want to fit in, actually. I mean, seriously ‘Employment Flat, Wages Down, Productivity Up’ isn’t just for industry anymore.

facehead June 11, 2010 at 5:38 pm

The story is just breaking so 30 sounds about right. 15 to investigate the right one, 15 more to investigate Palin’s left one.

BeWoot June 11, 2010 at 5:41 pm

And yet my phone does not ring.

Mad Brahms June 11, 2010 at 6:00 pm

Tom Friedman’s “insights” do come from his readings of “The Economist”, to be sure. Usually his readings of the ads, upside down.

CivicHoliday June 11, 2010 at 6:03 pm

why not save money and hire a bunch of chimps with typewriters? oh yeah…because they won’t such your dick for an extra 200 words and a bi-weekly byline

Oldskool June 11, 2010 at 6:04 pm

I think they meant “these gifts may not BE present in the same individual”. Maybe they should take another look at the list of people they already retired?

Long Form Def Certificate June 11, 2010 at 6:06 pm

Doesn’t The Atlantic already employ Megan Mc Cardle?

Why do they need a Friedman, then?

Alaska Girl June 11, 2010 at 6:13 pm

Tom Freedman; Worlds Worst Columnist. I bet Richard Cohen is crying his eyes out right now, in bitter disappointment. That accolade was his! Oh Atlantic Media, why are you so cruel?

Suds McKenzie June 11, 2010 at 6:14 pm

“I was on the toilet this morning in my hotel room in Bhopal India, getting rid of last nights chutney, when I realized my shit had broken into 30 even pieces. The toilet, or “basin” reminded me of the two distinct basins of the Atlantic Ocean. Suddenly, I realized that the Atlantic needed 30 new reporters.”

I can haz job now?

chascates June 11, 2010 at 6:25 pm

The only viable media plan for now is to use free celebrity columnists and readers’ tips you can riff on. I blame Tina Brown for every bit of this shit.

Also, The Nation needs about a million bucks and is soliciting contributions.

Hemp Dogbane June 11, 2010 at 6:30 pm

… looking for individuals working down one of two paths. Original insight or TomFriedman insight.

Reading further, I find myself to be unworthy: “High metabolism. Relentless. Unstoppable. Prolific.” The Atlantic. Where high metabolism is not enough.

Maus June 11, 2010 at 6:36 pm

[re=597235]SayItWithWookies[/re]: “long-term commitment”

The only long-term commitment Tom Friedman understands or cares about is the one between a mustache and a mustache’s sugar mommy.

Jim89048 June 11, 2010 at 6:45 pm

[re=597277]Suds McKenzie[/re]: This speaks for the “regular” job type, as they call it.

populucious June 11, 2010 at 6:56 pm

Did you ever notice, while sitting on a plane, the drink stain on your napkin and think “Gee I wish I had more cashews…where’s the stewardess…or flight attendant I guess is what I’m supposed to call them now…” but then realize, as soon as you thought it, that Afghanis/Chinese orphings/Dead Oil Rig Workers/9-11! 9-11! don’t have cashews. They don’t have cashews at all.

Now gimme a job!

BlueStateLiberal June 11, 2010 at 7:11 pm

[re=597277]Suds McKenzie[/re]: That’s about right. You’re hired.

zhubajie June 11, 2010 at 8:03 pm

[re=597277]Suds McKenzie[/re]: What about when he takes a pee? Does he realize that he’s gotten the clap? That Bhopal Betty wasn’t as clean as she looked?

zhubajie June 11, 2010 at 8:07 pm

Why don’t they hire an astrologer? Or a haruspex? When he’s done inspecting the chicken’s guts, they can eat the chicken!

comicbookguy June 11, 2010 at 9:07 pm

The new employee will get a six month trial period. If that doesn’t work out, they get another.

ElRaton June 11, 2010 at 9:23 pm

Ao they are hiring Ewoks, yes? I like the furry little critters, not much there when it comes to conversation, but cute and fury none-the-less.

dex June 11, 2010 at 9:44 pm

it’s funny, but i asked for “economist rigor, tom friedman insight” in an okcupid ad once.

S.Luggo June 11, 2010 at 10:05 pm

“TomFriedman insight”. For this requirement, Matt Taibbi kisses your wrinkled face with many sweet tears of joy, you Atlantis Monthly you.

sati demise June 11, 2010 at 10:05 pm

[re=597325]dex[/re]: Mustache rides all around!

rocktonsammy June 11, 2010 at 10:14 pm

The lamestream media has recovered again?

S.Luggo June 11, 2010 at 10:22 pm

“So what’s with this TomFriedman insight”. (Waits two beats.) “Does this mean you have use a red and white cane and a dog that pees on your leg when you come to curb? I mean, like, come on, people!” Rimshot.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you. You‘ve been a really great audience. I’ll be here at the Tiki-tiki Room all week. And remember to tip your waitress. And please try the veal. It‘s fresh.”

Moves off stage. (Voce sotto) “Fucking undead. My best material.”

bitchincamaro June 11, 2010 at 10:49 pm

I once lived in a crowded, hot flat. Does that count?

S.Luggo June 11, 2010 at 10:52 pm

“29 Journalists and an Idiot.” Precious memories. My parents would have us kids sing that ditty on long car trips.

29 Journalists and an Idiot on a wall,
29 Journalists and an Idiot on a wall,
If one of them should happen to fall,
28 Journalists and an Idiot on the wall.

My guitar gently weeps.

sundaytrucker June 11, 2010 at 11:16 pm

Does rigor mean faux? He certainly doesn’t have a degree in economics. Maybe rigor means “married to some rich broad cause we sure as hell aren’t gonna pay you a decent wage”.

Jukesgrrl June 11, 2010 at 11:48 pm

My metabolism’s not much to speak of, but I have insight into my insight. Can I have an Energy Black Hole™ in Potomac?

Words June 11, 2010 at 11:55 pm

Please tell me all Wonketteers aren’t unemployed journalists?

Ok, kids, Dad (the Pope Kitty) is gone, and The Keys are On The Table!!!! Who wants to drive first????? SayItWithWookies? KatyDid? S.Luggo? Neilist? Prommie? —— “Warriors, Come Out And Playahhhh, WARRIORS, Come Out and Playahhh…” (Coke bottles clinking…..) — Teehee, teehee..

S.Luggo June 12, 2010 at 12:57 am

Friedperson has perfected what one would call, “Spheroid Comclusionism”: start at one point on a sphere, keep tracing, tracing, tracing until you end up at the same point.
Otherwise known as intellectual Onanism.

No charge. Just doing my job.

NYNYNY June 12, 2010 at 12:58 am

“Afghanistan will be totally cool in like 6 months. I have a Lexus.”

Gimme da job! Oh, wait and Economist rigor…

so, make it “6.2439 months, according to the latest Pentagon findings”

S.Luggo June 12, 2010 at 1:08 am

[re=597357]NYNYNY[/re]: Metric months or Farenheit? Important. The earth is flat.

SayItWithWookies June 12, 2010 at 1:12 am

[re=597356]S.Luggo[/re]: Dibs on the unauthorized Friedman bio. I’ve been wanting to use the title Onan Is an Island on something, and that would be perfect.

SayItWithWookies June 12, 2010 at 1:36 am

[re=597348]Words[/re]: Oh, and I’m here if you’re still up, but I’m not promising to be conscious for longer than the next glass of wine. And olives. I’ve got these freakish unnaturally green olives called castelvetrano or something, and they’re addictive. It keeps me from paying attention to that damn oil spill, which has apparently been spewing at the equivalent of the Exxon Valdez every five days.

But tonight I got worried ’cause I haven’t really heard that much about the latest plan, and then got caught up. Well it was a good environment — I’m sorry it had to go this way, but who knew. Besides the engineers, inspectors, managers and everyone else who knew this well was a piece of crap.

S.Luggo June 12, 2010 at 1:42 am

[re=597360]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Unfortunately, in terms of coinage, Friedlich has beat you to punch. His new book is to be named, “Onanism: The New Masturbation. Puting Our Energy Resources to Work.”
Therefore and consequently, I would suggest and advise titling your Friedshite bio book, “Jrekoff!”. Hesitant? Think film rights and Tom Cruise as the Marquee. Have your person call my person.

SayItWithWookies June 12, 2010 at 2:12 am

[re=597365]S.Luggo[/re]: Eh, I’m more in love with the title than the Friedman bio. But I’ll talk to a guy I know who hangs out with some people who know Steve Martin about maybe Jerkoff as a sequel.

dr.giraud June 12, 2010 at 8:06 am

[re=597231]JMP[/re]: There’s the key question on the job application: “How big is your Friedman Unit?”

Geogre June 12, 2010 at 8:22 am

I think y’all are missing the point. They are fully embracing Tom Friedman, or as much of him as they understood.

30 jobs with seniority pay and benefits: gone.
30 jobs with low pay, constant fear, no benefits: created.

Tom Friedman says it’s good. Oh, not good for the workers who lose out, but individual humans are not important to an Economist. A real Economist sees all of this as an exchange of units, and those old journalists are undesirable units.

Katydid June 12, 2010 at 9:38 am

[re=597277]Suds McKenzie[/re]: You’re good at this! Now marry a zillionaire and —>Profit!

Katydid June 12, 2010 at 9:50 am

This ditty from Les Misérables springs to my mind when reading about Friedman:

♫ ♫♫ ♫♫ ♫
I used to dream
That I would meet a prince
But God Almighty,
Have you seen what’s happened since?
Master of the house?
Isn’t worth me spit!
`Comforter, philosopher’
- and lifelong shit!
Cunning little brain
Regular Voltaire
Thinks he’s quite a lover
But there’s not much there
What a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I’ve lasted
Living with this bastard in the house!

LittlePig June 12, 2010 at 11:00 am

Economist rigour, Tom Freidman insight.

Bluto Blutarsky! Blute Blutarsky to the white courtesy phone, please!

Sleeves June 12, 2010 at 3:31 pm

(A truly brilliant post.)

Words June 13, 2010 at 1:11 am

[re=597364]SayItWithWookies[/re]: They always lie to us. Hope you got your last glass of wine? Wine is the nectar of the Gods, yet?
[re=597427]Katydid[/re]: Nice ref.!

I am at present singing a dirge for my beloved Gulf of Mexico….

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