The Atlantic Hiring 29 Journalists and an Idiot

  the hack and the mustache tree

Can you type banal bullshit from the golf course?
The media industry has fully recovered, as evidenced by this job listing seeking thirty (30!) journalists at the Atlantic Media Group. But Atlantic Media Group’s National Journal just got rid of thirty (30!) journalists through buyouts, so the net gain of Journalism Jobs is zero (0). Still, this is enough for a shitty trend column by banal global golfer and language rapist Tom Friedman. Wait a minute, that’s just what The Atlantic needs!

Wonkette operative “Tom Y.” sent along this Want Ad with the subject line, “ATLANTIC SEEKS TO CLONE WORLD’S WORST COLUMNIST,” which is about right. Except for the cloning part. Atlantic Media Group clearly wants to find and groom and create the next awful conventional wisdom hack on the bestseller list, and they hope to find this Mustache of the Future while the economy’s still in the toilet and every journalist fears for his or her job, every single day, until the inevitable layoff/shutdown/accidental explosion.

So, if you’ve been wishing the Atlantic Monthly had more in the way of 800-word brain farts by confused middle-aged men sitting in first class who just realized the logo on the napkin looks like a rising star or whatever, then maybe YOU are the new Tom Friedman, but of The Atlantic. Good luck, and enjoy the Pulitzers! [Atlantic Media job classifieds]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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55 comments

  1. Cornelius

    Don’t they mean Economist “rigour”? And isn’t one of their competitors owned by the Economist?

  2. SayItWithWookies

    Does it take Tom Friedman insight to recognize that any employment with a company that gets rid of 30 people so it can hire 30 cheaper people isn’t going to be a long-term commitment? Maybe things’ll improve in six months…

  3. SmutBoffin

    “…’ATLANTIC SEEKS TO CLONE WORLD’S WORST COLUMNIST,’ which is about right. Except for the cloning part.”

    What about Dickie Cohen or Peggington? I guess they’ll have to share the tropy.

  4. One Yield Regular

    Still, it has to be better than the “Reader’s Digest rigor, Sarah Palin twatterings’” they have over at National Review.

  5. Snarkalicious

    [re=597235]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Not likely. They have to shit-can you before that to avoid unemployment (or in modern parlance: Retirement Benefit) payments.

    Today we are all ‘contract workers’.

  6. slappypaddy

    they say they have 30 openings for two dozen reporters who are possessed of economist rigor. good luck with the maths on all that, though maybe it does provide a clue regarding journalistic standards and economic reportage. and anyhoo, that’s jobs for nearly every remaining journalist in the english-speaking world. let’s drink!

  7. JMP

    I’m also not sure if I’d want to work for a media company that thinks that two dozen is the same as 30, and seems to have a little trouble writing coherent sentences. Here’s a clue: a dependent clause should begin with a relative pronoun, like “that”, “who” or “which”.

  8. the problem child

    “working down either of two paths” = escorts who do call-ins vs. escorts who do call outs?

  9. Snarkalicious

    [re=597244]slappypaddy[/re]: [re=597245]JMP[/re]: They just want to fit in, actually. I mean, seriously ‘Employment Flat, Wages Down, Productivity Up’ isn’t just for industry anymore.

  10. facehead

    The story is just breaking so 30 sounds about right. 15 to investigate the right one, 15 more to investigate Palin’s left one.

  11. Mad Brahms

    Tom Friedman’s “insights” do come from his readings of “The Economist”, to be sure. Usually his readings of the ads, upside down.

  12. CivicHoliday

    why not save money and hire a bunch of chimps with typewriters? oh yeah…because they won’t such your dick for an extra 200 words and a bi-weekly byline

  13. Oldskool

    I think they meant “these gifts may not BE present in the same individual”. Maybe they should take another look at the list of people they already retired?

  14. Long Form Def Certificate

    Doesn’t The Atlantic already employ Megan Mc Cardle?

    Why do they need a Friedman, then?

  15. Alaska Girl

    Tom Freedman; Worlds Worst Columnist. I bet Richard Cohen is crying his eyes out right now, in bitter disappointment. That accolade was his! Oh Atlantic Media, why are you so cruel?

  16. Suds McKenzie

    “I was on the toilet this morning in my hotel room in Bhopal India, getting rid of last nights chutney, when I realized my shit had broken into 30 even pieces. The toilet, or “basin” reminded me of the two distinct basins of the Atlantic Ocean. Suddenly, I realized that the Atlantic needed 30 new reporters.”

    I can haz job now?

  17. chascates

    The only viable media plan for now is to use free celebrity columnists and readers’ tips you can riff on. I blame Tina Brown for every bit of this shit.

    Also, The Nation needs about a million bucks and is soliciting contributions.

  18. Hemp Dogbane

    … looking for individuals working down one of two paths. Original insight or TomFriedman insight.

    Reading further, I find myself to be unworthy: “High metabolism. Relentless. Unstoppable. Prolific.” The Atlantic. Where high metabolism is not enough.

  19. Maus

    [re=597235]SayItWithWookies[/re]: “long-term commitment”

    The only long-term commitment Tom Friedman understands or cares about is the one between a mustache and a mustache’s sugar mommy.

  20. Jim89048

    [re=597277]Suds McKenzie[/re]: This speaks for the “regular” job type, as they call it.

  21. populucious

    Did you ever notice, while sitting on a plane, the drink stain on your napkin and think “Gee I wish I had more cashews…where’s the stewardess…or flight attendant I guess is what I’m supposed to call them now…” but then realize, as soon as you thought it, that Afghanis/Chinese orphings/Dead Oil Rig Workers/9-11! 9-11! don’t have cashews. They don’t have cashews at all.

    Now gimme a job!

  22. zhubajie

    [re=597277]Suds McKenzie[/re]: What about when he takes a pee? Does he realize that he’s gotten the clap? That Bhopal Betty wasn’t as clean as she looked?

  23. zhubajie

    Why don’t they hire an astrologer? Or a haruspex? When he’s done inspecting the chicken’s guts, they can eat the chicken!

  24. comicbookguy

    The new employee will get a six month trial period. If that doesn’t work out, they get another.

  25. ElRaton

    Ao they are hiring Ewoks, yes? I like the furry little critters, not much there when it comes to conversation, but cute and fury none-the-less.

  26. dex

    it’s funny, but i asked for “economist rigor, tom friedman insight” in an okcupid ad once.

  27. S.Luggo

    “TomFriedman insight”. For this requirement, Matt Taibbi kisses your wrinkled face with many sweet tears of joy, you Atlantis Monthly you.

  28. S.Luggo

    “So what’s with this TomFriedman insight”. (Waits two beats.) “Does this mean you have use a red and white cane and a dog that pees on your leg when you come to curb? I mean, like, come on, people!” Rimshot.

    “Thank you, thank you, thank you. You‘ve been a really great audience. I’ll be here at the Tiki-tiki Room all week. And remember to tip your waitress. And please try the veal. It‘s fresh.”

    Moves off stage. (Voce sotto) “Fucking undead. My best material.”

  29. S.Luggo

    “29 Journalists and an Idiot.” Precious memories. My parents would have us kids sing that ditty on long car trips.

    29 Journalists and an Idiot on a wall,
    29 Journalists and an Idiot on a wall,
    If one of them should happen to fall,
    28 Journalists and an Idiot on the wall.
    (Continue)
    *****

    My guitar gently weeps.

  30. sundaytrucker

    Does rigor mean faux? He certainly doesn’t have a degree in economics. Maybe rigor means “married to some rich broad cause we sure as hell aren’t gonna pay you a decent wage”.

  31. Jukesgrrl

    My metabolism’s not much to speak of, but I have insight into my insight. Can I have an Energy Black Hole™ in Potomac?

  32. Words

    Please tell me all Wonketteers aren’t unemployed journalists?

    Ok, kids, Dad (the Pope Kitty) is gone, and The Keys are On The Table!!!! Who wants to drive first????? SayItWithWookies? KatyDid? S.Luggo? Neilist? Prommie? —— “Warriors, Come Out And Playahhhh, WARRIORS, Come Out and Playahhh…” (Coke bottles clinking…..) — Teehee, teehee..

  33. S.Luggo

    Friedperson has perfected what one would call, “Spheroid Comclusionism”: start at one point on a sphere, keep tracing, tracing, tracing until you end up at the same point.
    Otherwise known as intellectual Onanism.

    No charge. Just doing my job.

  34. NYNYNY

    “Afghanistan will be totally cool in like 6 months. I have a Lexus.”

    Gimme da job! Oh, wait and Economist rigor…

    so, make it “6.2439 months, according to the latest Pentagon findings”

  35. SayItWithWookies

    [re=597356]S.Luggo[/re]: Dibs on the unauthorized Friedman bio. I’ve been wanting to use the title Onan Is an Island on something, and that would be perfect.

  36. SayItWithWookies

    [re=597348]Words[/re]: Oh, and I’m here if you’re still up, but I’m not promising to be conscious for longer than the next glass of wine. And olives. I’ve got these freakish unnaturally green olives called castelvetrano or something, and they’re addictive. It keeps me from paying attention to that damn oil spill, which has apparently been spewing at the equivalent of the Exxon Valdez every five days.

    But tonight I got worried ’cause I haven’t really heard that much about the latest plan, and then got caught up. Well it was a good environment — I’m sorry it had to go this way, but who knew. Besides the engineers, inspectors, managers and everyone else who knew this well was a piece of crap.

  37. S.Luggo

    [re=597360]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Unfortunately, in terms of coinage, Friedlich has beat you to punch. His new book is to be named, “Onanism: The New Masturbation. Puting Our Energy Resources to Work.”
    Therefore and consequently, I would suggest and advise titling your Friedshite bio book, “Jrekoff!”. Hesitant? Think film rights and Tom Cruise as the Marquee. Have your person call my person.

  38. SayItWithWookies

    [re=597365]S.Luggo[/re]: Eh, I’m more in love with the title than the Friedman bio. But I’ll talk to a guy I know who hangs out with some people who know Steve Martin about maybe Jerkoff as a sequel.

  39. dr.giraud

    [re=597231]JMP[/re]: There’s the key question on the job application: “How big is your Friedman Unit?”

  40. Geogre

    I think y’all are missing the point. They are fully embracing Tom Friedman, or as much of him as they understood.

    30 jobs with seniority pay and benefits: gone.
    30 jobs with low pay, constant fear, no benefits: created.

    Tom Friedman says it’s good. Oh, not good for the workers who lose out, but individual humans are not important to an Economist. A real Economist sees all of this as an exchange of units, and those old journalists are undesirable units.

  41. Katydid

    [re=597277]Suds McKenzie[/re]: You’re good at this! Now marry a zillionaire and —>Profit!

  42. Katydid

    This ditty from Les Misérables springs to my mind when reading about Friedman:

    ♫ ♫♫ ♫♫ ♫
    I used to dream
    That I would meet a prince
    But God Almighty,
    Have you seen what’s happened since?
    Master of the house?
    Isn’t worth me spit!
    `Comforter, philosopher’
    - and lifelong shit!
    Cunning little brain
    Regular Voltaire
    Thinks he’s quite a lover
    But there’s not much there
    What a cruel trick of nature
    Landed me with such a louse
    God knows how I’ve lasted
    Living with this bastard in the house!

  43. LittlePig

    Economist rigour, Tom Freidman insight.

    Bluto Blutarsky! Blute Blutarsky to the white courtesy phone, please!

  44. Words

    [re=597364]SayItWithWookies[/re]: They always lie to us. Hope you got your last glass of wine? Wine is the nectar of the Gods, yet?
    [re=597427]Katydid[/re]: Nice ref.!

    I am at present singing a dirge for my beloved Gulf of Mexico….

Comments are closed.