Minnesota's own Chuck Norris

‘I Am Dangerous,’ Warns Michele Bachmann

These hands will crush you.Congressional mama grizzly Michele Bachmann went on a radio show Thursday — hosted by some teenage friend of Andrew Breitbart’s — and revealed information about her past life as a martial arts mistress. “Hey, I took karate when I was 17 years old, I am dangerous,” she told the youth, a precocious lad named “Ben Shapiro.” And just how did Bachmann’s karate-choppin’ skills come up, exactly?

Because “Ben,” who’s apparently been watching too many violent Hollywood movies lately (don’t tell his Mom, she’ll ground him), fantasized out loud, on his radio program thing, about Bachmann kicking Obama’s ass. “I think that you could probably beat up President Obama,” he said. (Is Ben threatening the president with a “‘dangerous’ Michele Bachmann fighter-weapon”?)

If you hate yourself enough to listen to the full audio version of the interview, you will hear that Bachmann does not make any chuckle noises that might indicate she was just playin’ about her mad fighting skills. She’s being serious again!

She also says that Obama is in love with Hamas, that Teabaggers are just trying to “tell the truth about the madness,” and unions are destroying the country with their negligent father-son inspector teams. And Obama needs to “man up” because it was “infantile” to blame BP for making the Gulf Coast oil geyser. “If the president wanted to, he could intervene and he clearly hasn’t,” she said. “He’s not about taking responsibility.”

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Usually in Bachmann’s world of gigantic federal police-state forces and census devil spies, government intervention is bad. But now it is good? So confused about what she wants! She must be a really hard person to buy gifts for. (Note to self: “Get Bachmann birthday gift card to the lumberyard/concrete block store, exchange policy req’d.”)

To be fair, in this instance Bachmann is almost — almost! — out-terribleized by the youth Ben, who calls her “plainspoken, brilliant, and incisive,” and many other very nice but totally untrue things. He kinda sounds “puppy lovey,” even. (Seriously, don’t listen to that interview, it is gross and will destroy your weekend.) [BigGovernment.com]

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About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple

Hola wonkerados.

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74 comments

  1. JMP

    This is the first time I’ve heard “I totally know karate and could kick your butt so you better not bother me!!” from anyone over ten; she really is a mental child.

  2. Third-hand Smoke

    Please, please, please send Michelle down to plug the oil geyser with her finger. No SCUBA gear required as it was invented by a dirty Frenchman.

  3. JamesMichaelCurley

    [re=596782]Third-hand Smoke[/re]: A wet, dirty Frenchman whose 100th birthday is today.

  4. Elm Hugger

    What about a cage match between Sara, Michele and Ann? Throw in a little jello and you got yourself a prime time special.

  5. Ripley_in_CT

    Ol’ Crazy Eyes Bachmann almost makes Mrs. Private Citizen Half-term Governor Palin look sane. I said almost.

  6. freakishlystrong

    What color is the sun where these idiots live? Really, that’s just frighteningly, stunningly ignorant. Worse still are the clueless fucksticks inflicting this hateful gorgon on the rest of us.

  7. PabaBritannica

    Wait, did she say inspectors caused the explosion? Or is she just using some bizarre talking point to bash unions? Confused am I.

  8. libwakman

    Bachman easily runs away with the Top Cunt title of the day. Bunch’o’hours left though..Sarah could be running the rail neck in neck with Ginny Foxxhound to reclaim throne.

  9. JMP

    [re=596798]Ripley_in_CT[/re]: Although they are both fairly crazy and stupid, Palin’s more stupid than anything else, while Bachmann’s more crzy.

    Just noticed the tag, and it is brilliant; besides the alleged martial arts skill, Chuck is one of the few wignuts who might actually be even crazier than Bachmann, along with Victoria Jackson. Maybe there’s something about being a washed-up actor who was briefly famous in the 80s…

  10. arclight

    PLEASE LET HER BE PALIN’S VEEP CHOICE IN 2012!!!!

    God the comedic gold would be so awesome.

  11. Prommie

    [re=596797]Radiotherapy[/re]: Now you’ve gone and re-opened the perennial debate over which is stronger, retard strength, or crazy strength. Retard strength is a slow, intense, grappling, squeezing strength, watch out for a tard in the clinches, and never let a tard get you on the ground, they’ll smother you. Crazy strength, thats a wild windmilling furiously flailing strength. Personally, I would rather go up against crazy, than retard. Michelle, I think you are wrong, I see crazy strength there, not ‘tard strength.

    By the way, the crazee is good for the sexing, too, the same wild flailing makes for an exciting ride!

  12. Prommie

    [re=596812]chaste everywhere[/re]: The thing about Orly is that you just know, you know it, as soon as you look at her, that somewhere on her resume, at some point, she has experience as a prostitute, that she made her some spending cash, or maybe mail-order dental school tuition money, working on her back and her knees.

  13. harry palmer

    This really locks her in with the “I’m a piece of shit and deserve to be punished” demographic (the 99% of the Republican Party that goes in for S/M, not that there’s anything wrong with that).

  14. Lazy Media

    [re=596814]arclight[/re]: Sarah won’t get that far; veep choices come after primaries have selected the presidential nominee. If Sarah actually “runs” (i.e., collects as much money from idiots as possible and launders it through various Palin-child-owned campaign contractors), she’ll be out before Super Tuesday. See Dan Quayle*. The fatcat Republicans that backed Bush know a social-climbing grifter when they see one and won’t give her a dime, and the Teabagger “netroots” money will barely cover her shopping tab.

    *To be fair to Quayle, I think he sincerely wanted to run for President, and was just too dumb to know how dumb he is. The Snowbilly would love to have the presidency handed to her, as long as it didn’t cut into her shoppin’ schedule.

  15. 13ollocks To The Rules

    With Michelle’s martial arts skills, Sarah’s marksmanship (“I can take out a running wolf from a helicopter, you betcha”) and Ann Coulter’s razor-sharp wit (or Adams apple), capable of lacerating a lib at 20 paces, these bad-ass chicks have the makings of a sort of conservative “A-team”..or a “B(atshit crazy) Team”….”Pity the fool who tries to tax real ‘Murkins…”

  16. avoidinggradingpapers

    I have it on authority from my colleague who went to Winona State with old Batshit that she used to have a black belt in “Dorm Room Howling,” too. Yup, she was a howler, says my friend. She and her then-boyfriend-now-husband used to make so much noise that the whole dorm knew it was them at it again. She was a Democrat back then….before she found Jesus.

  17. GoinGreen

    [re=596820]Prommie[/re]: However, tard strong doesn’t apply to the downses – like Triginommetree Palin. They are just gentle little creatures who kinda creep you out when they are in line behind you at the grocery store.

  18. you cannot be serious

    She needs to get her karate choppin’ ass down to the Gulf Coast to protect U.S. Americans from gettin’ sent to FEMA camps.

  19. JMP

    [re=596829]Lazy Media[/re]: To be fair to Quayle, since 1960 every sitting or former Vice President who’s wanted it has gotten their party’s nomination, except for him; Nixon twice. Poor guy probably thought he’d get it and just didn’t realize that he really was a national joke.

  20. dijetlo

    Does this mean the Secret Service can now shoot her?
    Who’s locked and loaded now, puddin?

  21. Crank Tango

    [re=596811]JMP[/re]: that’s the GOP version of diversity: some are stupider, while others are crazier–together you have one big tent.

  22. Radiotherapy

    [re=596820]Prommie[/re]: I’m with you bro. Retard strong is crazy, Crazy strong is just retarted and has a limited half-life.

  23. FMA

    [re=596820]Prommie[/re]: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the crazy is great for sexing, to use the phrase popular with the kids these days. It’s awesome and a great deal of fun, until it stops being fun. Then, it’s just scary, what with the waving around the knives and screaming semi-biblical-sounding nonsense and then you wake up one day with all of you clothes on fire on the sidewalk.
    Other than that…

  24. comicbookguy

    There’s some pretty tough gangs in Congress. A couple of them wanted me to join ’cause I’m pretty good with a bo staff.

  25. Monsieur Grumpe

    Has anybody seen these alleged 23 foster children that she keeps talking about along with her 5 kids? How big of a house does this lady have?

  26. engulfedinflames

    I know! How “bout they get their toughest guy and we’ll get our toughest guy…

  27. Prommie

    [re=596879]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Shit, she was a white-trash foster child grifter? In my parts, the bottom-of-the-barrel walmart knobs take in foster children, just to get the $600 a month that the State pays them for each one.

  28. Cape Clod

    [re=596859]Terry[/re]: But Bachmann beats Palin in the area of kid fetishing. She’s got, what, 27 of them?

  29. Pithaughn

    [re=596868]FMA[/re]: Or, one of your friends sits you down and let’s you know she is now serving 8 – 15 for grand larceny. Turns out all the blow, green fees, fabulous restaurant meals, riding lessons and porn rentals were purchased with embezzled funds. Otherwise, what a great summer 83 was!

  30. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Wow. Batshit crazy and stupid. Keep it up, Michele, and you’ll soon create a perfect storm of epic fail.

    Also, Ben Shapiro deserved to be kneed in the nads, repeatedly and with great alacrity.

  31. Prommie

    [re=596890]Pithaughn[/re]: Hey, thats quality crazy, crazy embezzler beats the more typical crazy unemployed just got evicted ineffectually wrist-slashing when you try to kick them out stalker.

  32. Tim

    Whose Crazy-Eye Style is superior? Bachmann? Palin? Mel Gibson? Or does John Gibson’s Yellow Tooth Style trump all?

  33. PsycGirl

    She took martial arts when she was 17 or since she was 17? Because if it’s the first, well it’s been a long time since that chick was 17 and the danger is long past. I took martial arts when I was 33 and I pose no danger to anyone.

  34. Can O Whoopass

    She get your head in a leglock, you’ll be squirming like Bush when Condi did it to Master George.

  35. JMP

    [re=596868]FMA[/re]: Yes, but when the crazy is in the body of a shriveled old hag the sexing doesn’t seem to desirable anymore.

  36. Old Redneck

    So if Michelle “Yes I Am Batshit Crazy” Bachmann has such great hands, I’ll volunteer for her to give me a hand job.

  37. Baby who ate the Dingo

    If a fart and the vacuum of space had sex,its baby would be Dumbell Bachmann. Lots of stink and nothing there at the same time.

  38. smitallica

    So this is a plea for more government intervention and control from the woman who warned her nutbar followers to boycott the nazi totalitarian(and also Constitutionally mandated) CENSUS?

    Fuck you, you imbecile. Eat many, many dicks.

  39. Neilist

    [re=596838]seldom-seen smith[/re]: “Call them Ronnie’s Angels.”

    Re Michelle’s martial arts skills: Having some experience in this area, I easily can believe that Twa Chang Bachmann spent many hours in the dojo.

    As a punching dummy.

    :::Rimshot::::

    Or :::Rimjob:::. Whatever. Same thing really.

  40. Neilist

    [re=596838]seldom-seen smith[/re]: “Call them Ronnie’s Angels.”

    Win.

    Re Michelle’s martial arts skills: Having some experience in this area, I easily can believe that Twa Chang Bachmann spent many hours in the dojo.

    As a punching dummy.

    :::Rimshot::::

    Or :::Rimjob:::. Whatever. Same thing really.

  41. Baby who ate the Dingo

    Martial Arts, like making the Guano boys draw in the sand with boogers.

    She probably has a white belt to go with her white hood. A day in the dojo does her a master make. Thats according to my kids, who are testing for their balck belts this weekend after spending three and a half years of kicking air. Kinda like Michelleboobs; three and a half minutes breaking wind.

    And Ted Nugent LOVES her. He’s got her in a stranglehold baby, right across her face. And if a house gets in my way I hafta burn it down. Real lyrics, real man and woman, real insane.

  42. nappyduggs

    [re=596806]actor212[/re]:
    Yeah, she almost had it, didn’t she?

    [re=596879]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]:
    It’s *cute* that she refers to an asylum as her *house* right? Those “23 foster kids?” They are rats, and maybe some roaches, from the 5th floor, which she isn’t supposed to be going to anyway. Hopefully this blatant, repeated violation of facility rules will result in revocation of talking privileges.

  43. Manos: Hands of Fate

    Who would win in a fight between a Desert Eagle’s armed Steve King and a sai-wielding Bachmann?

  44. Suds McKenzie

    Sure, she could beat Hopeys ass powered by the White Crazy.

    But ROM would eat her appendages.

    I would pay $9.50 to see this.

    I know, that’s a Matenee price.

  45. Mad Brahms

    No, no, government intervention by a unilateral executive is good, a benevolent despot who will save us from the (poor, black, drug-using, drug-addled, welfare-abusing, of course) masses and their manipulation of the Evil Socialist Welfare State in Congress. Except that Obama is with them, meaning he is indecisive! Or… oh fuck, someone else figure this out. I need a drink. Or twelve.

  46. RoscoeWild

    Magnificent Michele Bachmann walks tall, stands proud, defends our Bill of Rights with fists, and more.

  47. GrouchoEngels

    [re=596832]13ollocks To The Rules[/re]: Actually, toss Orly Taitz in there and they’d have the makings of “Heathers”. With Charlie Crist and Bobby Jindal as Kurt and Ram.

    [re=596962]Hemp Dogbane[/re]: WIN.

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