life begins at 50

Average Republican ‘Young Gun’ Candidate Is 50

Speed bumps.Youths is our future! And that’s why the Republicans are chasing the elusive, nonexistent “youth vote” with a hot ‘n sexy bunch of youngling candidates with an average age of, uh, 49.6 years old. Why can’t Republicans do anything right, ever? Sure, sure, “to be fair” you are not necessarily old & decrepit at 50 years — Barack Obama will turn 50 next year, and he looks better than 98.7% of Americans when they’re 21. But this is because he’s fit and handsome and has some self respect, not because of his age. The Republican “youth candidates,” predictably, look like sleazy old used-car salesman from the 1980s. (This is called “The Reagan Mystique.”)

But that’s not the most disturbing part about this article from Tina Brown’s Loathsome Beast Publication. “Most disturbing part” goes to this section about a “15-year-old conservative pundit and author”:

Jonathan Krohn, the 15-year-old conservative pundit and author, said that the Republicans are wise to stick with guns that have been firing for a while.

“The Republican Party is trying to make sure that when they get young guns, they don’t get naïve guns. They want to try to stay with guys who have been in the game for a while,” Krohn said. Still, even Krohn — one of conservatism’s freshest faces — had a word of caution for his party’s elders.

“The Republican Party has done a horrible job for decades of reaching out to young people,” Krohn said. “It really has been the party of old white men. It is not what we want to be, and it is not what we will be in the future.”

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It is not what we will be in the future, the child lisped, just before he fell right through his laptop screen and emerged in a mysterious wonderland where ADOLESCENT BOYS ARE SEX-CRAZED HORMONE MACHINES CHASING BOOZE AND TAIL AND THEN BLOWING SHIT UP WITH FIREWORKS.

Ugh, arrest this twerp’s parents for Child Abuse, now. Drop him off at a whorehouse on the outskirts of Prague with a credit card and a sack of antibiotics. [Daily Beast]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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112 comments

  1. JMP

    I like that the “new generation of conservative leaders” includes a former Congressman running for his old seat. But hopefully, the program will do just as well as it did in 2008, and most of these Young Guns will be going down, in a blaze of glory.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    Life is cruel for the GOPer “yout” wing. Young enough to suffer impotence, but not old enough for the Denny’s Blue Plate Special.

    BTW screw Johnny Crone. I’d rather it be me that gets dropped off in front of a Czech whorehouse with someone’s credit card (Tony Hayward’s?) and a sack of antibiotics.

  3. Lascauxcaveman

    Seriously, I’d punch that kid in throat if only I didn’t remember what a smarmy little son-of-conservative Republican parents I was at age 15.

    Five years from now, he’ll be at college, bagging bisexual hippie chicks, smoking grass and reading Marx, all at the same time.

  4. Neilist

    “Young Republican” = “Bullet Magnet.”

    Neilist
    Old Republican Division
    “Get Off My Lawn!,” Inc.
    Another California Corporation Destroyed Demon Sheep

  5. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Methinks young Mr. Krohn is trying to gently tell Lindsey Graham to quit pestering him for a blowjob. Either that or he’s angling to become one of Zach Wamp’s newest boy toys.

  6. Gorillionaire

    A couple years ago I saw a survey study that stated that the median age for Fox Nooze viewership was 71. That’s older than Rod Stewart, people.

  7. BarackMyWorld

    Jonathon Krohn became interested in politics from years of listening to Bill Bennett’s radio show. In a televised speech A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO (he’s been at this a while), he mentioned that conservatism needed to be based on principles instead of policies, and a lot of people in the 2008 election cycle were using the term “socialism” without understanding what it means.

  8. give us a bob

    One of the newer Doctor Who episodes features a snotty teenage genius who surreptitiously allies himself with an alien race of arrogant lizard people, thinking he should back the winning horse, however repulsive. I think I see a similarity here somewhere, but can’t put my finger on it.

  9. bakeneko

    Is that someone getting his pocket picked, or leaning back on his cane while getting a hand job?

  10. chascates

    There’s plenty of young blood who could run: Jonah Goldberg, Andrew Breitbart, Kathryn Jean Lopez, Meghan McCain. Bristol Palin can do a column or two.
    They just need to think outside the box.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    That’s just because so many Republican politicians stay younger for longer. Their secret? If you spend the first forty years of your life spending Daddy’s money on booze, cocaine and hookers, then sober up for ten years, you’ll have the callow ignorance of an eighteen-year-old plus a worldview completely untainted by having to deal with actual consequences. Of course that person won’t be qualified to run shoeshine stand, but it’s okay since he’ll surround himself with canny, conniving operatives of long-standing. It’s basically a recipe for peace and prosperity.

  12. iburl

    “It really has been the party of old white men. It is not what we want to be…”
    Said the impending old white republican man.

  13. ManchuCandidate

    [re=596531]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]:
    GOPer equivalent of “Two Girls, One Cup”?

  14. Mad Brahms

    [re=596526]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Wow. 15 going on 10, apparently. Check back in with him in a few weeks to see if his voice / testicles dropped. Of course he’s not chasing the pussy / booze / fireworks – he looks like he should be in an ad for formula.

  15. Red Zeppelin

    I have great respect for nerds. However to be a nerd for GOP politics as opposed to, say baseball stats or LOTR trivia, seems like a waste of a sad adolescence. On the other hand, maybe he is a playa who knows (as I dimly recall) that the easiest girls and the ones who had the most ready access to liquor and drugs were always the kids of businessmen or clergy, not of professors or other types likely to be Democrats.

  16. Oldskool

    That kid is adorable, giving grown ups grown up advice which they promptly ignore. He should see if David Frum needs an intern.

  17. Hemp Dogbane

    Here comes Johnny Yen again
    With the liquor and drugs
    And the flesh machine
    He’s gonna do another striptease
    Hey man where’d you get that lotion?

  18. Zadig

    [re=596515]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Today, we are all (wishing we were) bagging bisexual hippie chicks, smoking grass, and reading Marx.

    I, too, was a shit-eating contard Jeebus Goblin back in middle school.

  19. Advocatus_Diaboli

    In my day (the mid 1980s), they proudly called themselves TARDS,
    which apparently stood for Teen Age Reagan
    douchebags Sychophants, or something like that.

  20. Advocatus_Diaboli

    [re=596568]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: html fucking fail
    My point was, the dumb fucks who are now pushing 50 and hating so hard on the man are the same dumb fucks who proudly supported St. Ronnie of No Memory back in the eighties.

  21. Franklin Pierce & Pierce

    Man, if this kid had come along a few years ago, he could have had the chance to intern for Mark Foley and REALLy get to understand conservative values.

    Also, I argue that Jim Newell’s rule about “not attacking children” doesn’t apply to Crohn, who is apparently old enough to express an opinion about policy on a national level.

  22. One Yield Regular

    How depressing for one so young to be so old already. But he seems to fit right in with that crowd, what with his already using language that reflects the core Republican gestalt as being based on anxiety about their “guns” not firing.

  23. Crank Tango

    [re=596575]Diamante[/re]: probably more like the kind of “shrine” you keep underneath your pillow, or at least in a drawer with your lotion and some crusty socks. Pretty much like every other GOPer.

  24. MarSF

    [re=596540]watershed[/re]: First somebody needs to let young Mr. Krohn in on the little secret that freakish conservative Republican teenagers don’t get laid. I’ve seen a photo of this twerp. He will need to pay for it if he wants it to happen.

  25. doloras

    [re=596527]give us a bob[/re]: LOL, the Sontarans aren’t lizard people, you’re thinking of the Silurians.

  26. Joshua Norton

    The Republican Party is trying to make sure that when they get young guns, they don’t get naïve guns.

    Apparently 15 year olds have absolutely no sense of irony. He hasn’t been alive long enough to even rise to the level of “naive”.

    Needz moar atomic wedgies.

  27. Snarkalicious

    [re=596565]comicbookguy[/re]: Irrelevant. Older women are in the opposite direction of the chase.

  28. WhatTheHeck

    Of course he’ll never grow old. Young republicans hang out with Peter Pan and the Lost Boys, waiting for Sarah Palin to rescue them.

  29. JamesMichaelCurley

    [re=596588]doloras[/re]: The Silurians are back. We in the US haven’t seen that episode yet.

  30. CivicHoliday

    If the GOP continues sending young recruits to bondage themed clubs on the taxpayer’s dime…he may just be right

  31. Bearbloke

    [re=596575]Diamante[/re]: No – those Palin-items in his closet are just part of his burgeoning Drag-Queen career Halloween costume…

  32. imissopus

    I knew I’d heard this kid’s name before: http://tinyurl.com/2eyo5f7

    I seem to recall reading an article on him back in ’08 or ’09 when he was giving a speech at CPAC or something. I figured he’d grow out of this GOP phase when he discovered girls. Still waiting.

  33. El Pinche

    Your depiction of Obama has hardened my nipples.

    All we have to do is wait 10-15 years when the heart attacks start kickin in. Then it’s a permanent communist majority baby

  34. Geogre

    Let’s see:
    20 years old in 1980 for “the Reagan Revolution” and a member of College Republicans,
    member of the various XXXX Review college newspapers that sprang up after Dartmouth Review….

    Yep, young guns for the GOP would be 49-50. They’d be the “new thinkers” brought on board by Lee Atwater, the culture war instigators and the Fallwell “Christians.” In other words, this matches perfectly with what we’ve seen from the ideology and platforms of the mainstream GOP: at best they reiterate Reaganisms as if they were a magic charm against reality.

  35. Dolmance

    I’ve always said that kid’s parents should be charged with child abuse. But even so, he’s probably going to become President some day. The only way to forestall what this little bastard has in store for us all is for his father to drag him kicking and screaming into the nearest church and going exorcist on his evil little monkey ass. And he should carry some pepper spray when all the Rotweilers assigned to keep him safe appear out of nowhere.

    I’d open up the antibiotics and replace everything with corn starch.

  36. Geogre

    [re=596612]imissopus[/re]: It’s not unusual for children of that age to either parrot their parents or to take an attractive emotional stance and amplify it to absurdity. Kurt Vonnegut (always with the literary references with me… I don’t do this all the time) said that 14 year olds are the perfect crusaders.

    Anyway, what happens to them most often is not even the discovery of girls, because they go into tantrums about girls (“they’re all sluts! they don’t accept my purity! I must find one that believes just as I do!”) because of the inevitable teenage narcissism and testosterone poisoning, but college. It isn’t that colleges are liberal, either. Colleges teach complexity. Complexity is the enemy of zealots of any sort. College makes “liberals” because it makes people who say, “Yeah, but what about….” (Of course that’s not liberal, unless you define “conservative” as total conformity the way Reagan and Fallwell did and Bill Donohue does.)

    If a zealot survives college’s complexities with full hard-on intact, then at least he or she is going to be nuanced or a C- student (or a degree from Pepperdine or Liberty or B.J. U.). Either way, the world has fair warning.

  37. Jukesgrrl

    He’ll be giving a nominating speech at the next GOP convention. I’ll put money on it … oh, I forgot, I don’t have money.

  38. give us a bob

    [re=596623]Dolmance[/re]: That or hire Krohn a dominatrix, but neglect to tell him the safe word. The latter seems more humane.

  39. SayItWithWookies

    [re=596612]imissopus[/re]: I remember watching bits of his speech at the time and thinking that he seemed as knowledgeable as many teens but managed to string enough pleasant and stirring generalities together to give that CPAC audience exactly what it wanted: a feeling that the ideology was going to continue for at least another generation. No actual specifics were necessary.
    You can go a long way on that, especially when you’re a novelty act. But once he turns twenty-four (or whatever age GOP kids are thought of as no longer children — thirty?) he’ll no longer be the Republicans’ Knut the polar bear cub. He’ll be their all-grown-up Knut who isn’t so adorable and wonders where all that attention went.
    I think that second incarnation is pronounced “Newt,” by the way.

  40. JMP

    [re=596595]WhatTheHeck[/re]: They just fantasize about hanging out with the Lost Boys; while Jack Bauer is a hero to many young Republicans, he’s actually a socialist liberal in real life.

  41. TicChiracTac

    I went through that experimental stage as a younger Chirac when I tried being a republican…I got into it, but it just didn’t feel natural.

  42. Radiotherapy

    I always think of Trig as the fresh, young face of the GOP…. His diaper I mean.

  43. ZombieRichardFeynman

    [re=596624]Geogre[/re]: Speaking of young kids as the best crusaders reminds me of Arab slave trader Tippu-Tib telling Henry Morton Stanley that the reason his army was so effective is that it was comprised largely of 12-14 year olds. Utterly fearless and devoted. Sounds like African armies today, for that matter.

  44. Katydid

    Bob Schieffer’s face is priceless in this interview with the little prick from last year. Also priceless are the comments.

    He said he became interested in politics when he was 9, as he listened to talk radio and learned what a conservative was, what a liberal was, and what an elitist was. He also said, “from now on I’m going to be known as a political analyst and not just a kid.”

    He’s a Bible-thumping parrot. Squawk squawk.

  45. Gay as Hell

    “The Republican Party has done a horrible job for decades of reaching out to young people,” Krohn said.

    But they’ve done a marvelous job reaching out for young people.

  46. the problem child

    [re=596632]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Evidently, more like 40 is their age of majority (or 39 is their age of minority).

  47. zhubajie

    “It really has been the party of old white men. It is not what we want to be…”

    It’s turned into the party of religious fanatics and racist cold warriors. It’ll be worse once the religious nuts finally give up hope in the Rapture saving them from their mistakes.

  48. Capitol Hillbilly

    credit card and antibiotics, fine.

    but aren’t you forgetting a few things?

    for starters, weed, wine and whites ???

  49. zhubajie

    “Drop him off at a whorehouse on the outskirts of Prague with a credit card and a sack of antibiotics.”

    Prague? Better Bangkok or Angeles City. Remember the line from “An Officer and a Gentleman”? “Hey. cherry-boy, want to go to school? I’ll teach you a looong time!”

  50. Capitol Hillbilly

    [re=596654]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: obviously i meant weed, whites, and wine – in that exact order …

  51. Bearbloke

    More Breaking news, for Yanks anyway:

    The Los Angeles Lakers have lost Game 4 in the Championship Series to the Boston Celtics

  52. Bearbloke

    [re=596662]Bearbloke[/re]: Still looking for confirmation…. will post it when/if I find any…

  53. SayItWithWookies

    [re=596662]Bearbloke[/re]: This will send a chill through metaphorical terrorist circles worldwide. Unless they have no idea that they’re metaphorical terrorist circles, of course.

    Actually this would be a great target for an “I am Spartacus” campaign. I’ll start and admit that for 24 hours I terrorized my cat in a long struggle to put Advantage on her. I eventually succeeded and she’s probably forgotten about it already, but it was touch-and-go there for a while.

    So there, Canada — that’s the gauntlet I’ve thrown down. Do your worst.

  54. Bearbloke

    [re=596670]SayItWithWookies[/re]:

    Advantage?
    ::checks GoogOracle::

    Bio-chemical Warfare!!

    YOU FIEND!!!!11!!

  55. SayItWithWookies

    [re=596672]Bearbloke[/re]: And I fully intend to do it again. I won’t even mention the operation I had done.

  56. Words

    [re=596663]Bearbloke[/re]: YESSSSS!!! Don’t really care @ Celtics so much, but love a competitive race!!

    [re=596662]Bearbloke[/re]: Um, pixies? Small potatoes. Let us Irish introduce you to (little people) — we don’t say their real names. They are a fearsome lot!

    On the other hand, are they talking @ the band Pixies? I’m confused….

  57. Words

    [re=596643]Katydid[/re]: In his favor: his chronicalogical age is higher than the Rep. avg. emotional/mental age.

  58. Bearbloke

    [re=596665]Bearbloke[/re]: [re=596675]Words[/re]: Still searching teh Intartoobes for confirmation… perhaps it was the Dwarves that have drawn the Canuckistani Fatwah…

  59. Words

    I seem to be a chord off and a half/beat behind in this thread. Sorry.

    Story of my life, that is. From deep in my fine wine cup (now empty: “Oiche Mharrh” — all!

  60. Words

    [re=596677]Bearbloke[/re]: Dwarves — humph. Don’t hold a candle to the little people who should naught be named!!!

  61. crumpet

    That kid is a sex scandal waiting to happen in a few years. And I WILL read about it and say “I told you so!”

  62. Bearbloke

    [re=596662]Bearbloke[/re]: Harummmphhh!

    It seems the Pixies story was just another red-herring disinfo campaign from the Canuckistani Ministry of Disinformation… just like their insistence that a town called ‘Ottawa’ actually exists…

  63. SayItWithWookies

    [re=596686]Bearbloke[/re]: Dammit — I was so hoping for a culture war to ensue and that Celine Dion would get banned from the US forever. And it would’ve worked if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids.

  64. Radiotherapy

    [re=596686]Bearbloke[/re]: The Pixies were the real Kim Deal, no doubt, but for total, without a net, dynamics, my money is on Slint.
    And…. can the Aussies run the Huns off?

  65. BMK

    Of the five Republicans who knocked off incumbent Democrats that year, four were designated “Young Guns.”

    Like when they baptize you, rent you a boy and designate you “Christian”?

  66. Brick Oven Bill

    This is true. The future of the United States of America is in the hands of those mall-dwellers with tattoos and pants hanging off their asses.

    These are the men of destiny as there are many of them.

  67. Smoke Filled Roommate

    Nobody’s made an ‘old Krohn’ joke yet? What’s wrong with you people?

  68. Minnie Saruman

    Didn’t Michael J. Fox play this character a while back, when it was still a funny idea?

  69. Johnny Zhivago

    Republicans need to get past the age and sex barrier…

    What binds them together are stupidity and racism, regardless of how old they are.

  70. Geogre

    [re=596642]ZombieRichardFeynman[/re]: That’s what Vonnegut was talking about, alright.

    Teenagers of both sexes have energy and belief, but no complexity yet. It isn’t that they’re remorseless as much as they’re fantastically idealistic zealous (I think idealism requires rational choice, while zeal requires emotional investment). The African armies indeed.

    This is why home schooling must be regulated?

  71. Geogre

    [re=596700]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: No one made a Krohn’s Disease joke, either.

    There is nothing funny about the disease. I’m hoping, though, that it will be cured or that it’s pulling an Elmer Gantry/Mojo Nixon and will be discovered/rebel at an appropriate moment. And I hope the medical condition gets cured, too, and not with increasing steroids that leave patients with brittle bones and infinite treatment and never a cure.

  72. gurukalehuru

    So, the Palestinians have to live in a miserable walled off desert ghetto where their best economic opportunities are getting U.N. aid or crossing over to work as day laborers/slaves on the estates of their oppressors, and the Israelis are upset because they won’t get to see a rock concert.
    Yeah, those are exactly equivalent.

  73. HedonismBot

    [re=596710]Geogre[/re]: I have Crohn’s, and I just recently got over a particulary nasty flare-up. This disease is awful, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone – with the possible exception of Joe Lieberman or Dick Cheney.
    As for a cure, I can’t help but think of something Chris Rock said – “There ain’t no money in the cure! The money’s in the treatment.”
    I think of this every time I see an ad on TV for boner pills. Old Republican sex perverts pay big money for pills that give ‘em a hard on. Even if they developed a cure for Crohn’s, chances are I couldn’t ever afford it.
    Oh, but America’s medical system is the greatest in the world, isn’t it? Let the free market handle it. Sigh.

  74. schvitzatura

    [re=596662]Bearbloke[/re]: They’re rockers and hipsters united and strong
    They’re here to talk about Joo City they don’t like what’s going on (tell it)

  75. Manos: Hands of Fate

    The fact they are promoting a 15-year old is indicative that conservatism is bull shit. I could teach my African Gray to talk about Reagan, tax cuts and families too you know.

  76. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=596643]Katydid[/re]: Ye gods. After watching that, I’m convinced [re=596609]Bearbloke[/re] is right… this kid is destined to be the best damn Sarah Palin draq queen EVAH.

  77. libwakman

    Young Fucktard Alex Keaton wannabe would end up squealing like a mini-pig if he ever sashayed his hairless little ass into the K Street sexytime condo.

  78. Ducksworthy

    [re=596577]One Yield Regular[/re]: Clearly a mental form of progeria.

    [re=596572]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: I prefer St. Ronnie the Innocent. His dementia made him innocent, in his own mind at least, of his many crimes including giving aid and comport to the enemy to win an election.

  79. Ducksworthy

    Why the fuk is this imbecile not gainfully employed in a coal mine somewhere in Appalachia? I’m sure Massey Energy has a job for him somewhere deep down and very cramped.

  80. Ducksworthy

    [re=596621]El Pinche[/re]:Reaganisms as … a magic charm against reality.

    Very nice. Add some Ayn Randiness and hate based xianism and Presto! you have a full magical armamentarium against the ravages of time and economics. Or course the Book of Mormon has it all.

  81. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=596795]Ducksworthy[/re]: As soon as Massey quits outsourcing those canaries, the job is his!

  82. Tube City

    “Tax cuts! Bwakk! Reagan! Polly want a cracker! Hello! Hello! Bwakk!”

    Polly picked it up from the radio, good bird.

  83. desertwind

    Maybe Tina Brown should adopt him since she loves him so much.

    Then, he can divorce parent-Tina when he turns 16 and her old man dies so they can get married and live happily ever after.

  84. heathenish

    I’m torn between, “The Force is strong with this one, if only we can turn him to the dark side’ and “…..oh wait. I think this kid is actually the anti-christ, if only we could make him see the light.” Either way he worries me. He seems much smarter than the current sleazy used car salesman type my state now has in Congress….he’s the one who ran his boat up onto a cliff…but was too drunk to know who was driving…..(facepalm….)and this kid’s the future.(repeats facepalm)

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