Introducing Our New Oil-Spill Columnist, BP CEO Tony Hayward

  he'd like his life back

Wonkette's new lifestyle columnist!
Hello there, quite sorry about all of this. Terrible mess everywhere, isn’t it? Tony Hayward here, BP CEO, just popping in here at Wonkette to say, once again, that I’m awfully sorry about the troubles with the well. That crude oil does seem to get everywhere, doesn’t it? Like children tracking in mud from the garden or the cricket pitch. We can all relate, of course, and it’s unfair to place the blame for a natural catastrophe such as the Gulf oil spill on an individual, when we all should come together and roll up our sleeves and etcetera. Terrible shame about the birds and all that, as well.

But I simply must say that there’s no-one who would like to see this crisis over more than me, Tony Hayward. Things had been rather going my way, if I could be immodest for just a moment, for the sake of clarity. Lord Browne hadn’t exactly plucked me off the back bench, right? Been with the company for a good while now, no complaints about Tony Hayward, not before this cock-up at least.

Strange thing, about that whole replacing Lord Browne affair — the old man had been criticized a fair bit over safety issues on the Alaska wells. Criticized by me, actually, ha ha. In the most professional tones, of course, and strictly for the benefit of the company and the shareholders. That’s our chief concern, for all of us.

Shame about the workers, too. Can’t forget them I suppose.

The effects of the oil spill, over time, will of course be very modest. It’s not as if we manufactured the oil from whole cloth, or seawater, or what have you. Just natural oil, straight from the sea. And in any case, those fishermen can use a little spending money over these next few years or decades, tidying up here and there, helping the natural processes. And we’d all appreciate it if you stopped taking so many pictures of all the oil and goop and dead things. Focus on the positive, that’s what I always say.

Well then, hope we’ve covered all those concerns. Really, really can’t wait to put this behind me. One can’t begin to understand the burdens faced by an executive like myself, and though it pains me to say it, this is quite a lot more rubbish than I ever thought I’d have to deal with, being in the prime of life and fortunate to be well-off, and etcetera. I’d like my life back, and I’m sure you would like your lives back, and as far as the birds and the fish and so on, who are we to imagine their thoughts, if birds or fish have thoughts at all, right? So here’s to hoping they cap the bloody well or whatever it takes, nuke it if they must, because frankly I’ve got things I enjoy doing and by god I plan to get back to that, before they send me to the granny farm.

Yours most sincerely,
Tony Hayward

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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92 comments

  1. Crank Tango

    It’s just a shame, a crying shame, that BP is having this PR disaster. Poor shareholders.

  2. Terry

    There was an item on BBC radio yesterday, two correspondents discussing whether the Deepwater Horizon spill was leading to a dislike of British people in the US.

    No, I think we’re pretty specific about disliking CERTAIN British people based on their words and actions. In fact, I’m certain of it.

  3. ManchuCandidate

    Oh Tony, you might have to reconsider take your life back to Jolly old Britishville. On top of pissing off the US America and people living in the Gulf Coast, now you’ve got to deal with the home front, too. BP’s stock price has sunk so much that its assets are worth more than its market cap but even worse you’ve pissed off a whole bunch of Brit pensioners whose funds are sunk into the clusterfuck you call work. We know how olds are about their pensions. Ta tah!

  4. guerilla-nation

    [re=596331]Terry[/re]: Exactly. We hate people based on skin color or religion or sexual orientation. But certainly not because of Britishness.

  5. memzilla

    I’ll bet that Brutish Petroleum is calculating how it can declare Chapter 11 bankruptcy, corral its legal liabilities into a separate entity, and have its executives get fat severance packages once it’s taken over by Exxon Mobil.

    You remember Exxon Mobil? The ones who hondled a $5B liability down to $500M and stretched the process out for over 20 years?

    BP made $17B profit last year, but it’s lost over a third of its pre-spill market value and its liabilities could be as high as $40B from Deepwater. If a Louisiana jury finds against them in a civil trial, how many extra zeros do you think they will put on that? And how ripe a takeover target would BP be then?

    http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/08/business/08sorkin.html
    http://twitter.com/bpglobalpr

  6. GuyClinch

    Well, I hope that old egg Hayward can whack up the ginger to go for a nice, rummy and longish swim in one of his lovely oleaginous plumes

  7. Neilist

    My parents are Irish and Australian. Thus, I can safely say that it is better to have British leadership “out in front.”

    Makes it MUCH easier to shoot the bloody Pommy gits in the back.

    Thank you.

  8. azw88

    The real problem is, BP is taking it in the ass, and hard, for this cluster-fuck, but in reality, there are two other corporate culprits that need some ass-fucking over this too… Transocean and Halliburton (some villians just keep coming back).

  9. Oblios Cap

    A smart man would buy BP stock now. They’ll spin off the American unit and keep on keeping on making the $$$.

  10. crapshooter102

    Wasn’t there a company called Gulf Oil that is now a part of BP. Maybe they should change the name back to Gulf Oil Disaster (GOD). The new name would fit right in with Sir Tony’s ego.

  11. Crank Tango

    [re=596331]Terry[/re]: yeah I heard that too. oh I see, it’s really an anti-british sentiment that is driving this. has nothing to do with the fact that BP keeps fucking lying about this shit every chance they get.

  12. JMP

    Don’t let the haters get to you, Tony; why, you’ve just done what you can to protect that which is both America and Britain’s greatest resource, oil, and have even graciously forgiven that wildlife which contaminated it. You’ve tried to keep the gulf coast’s spirits up by saying the amount of oil leaking was a lot less than it really was, because you knew the truth would make people sad. And you’ have tried to stop the leak, but just did a half-assed job…
    But if… you… cut every corner
    It is really not so bad,
    Everybody does it,
    Even mom and dad.
    If nobody sees it,
    Then nobody gets mad,
    It’s the American way!

  13. Anonymous Office Zombie

    [re=596331]Terry[/re]:
    They had somebody on BBC America radio today blathering on about how unfair it is for people to be blaming BP so harshly. He made an impassioned case about how pushing down BP stock prices and hurting dividends is really shameful. I turned it off at that point.

    Sodding wankers, the lot of them.

  14. actor212

    Dear Tony,

    I was planning a cocktail party tonight for some friends from the UK. Can you tell me what kind of oil I should use on my chips?

  15. freakishlystrong

    Tony, that foppish accent is going to ensure that you’re the “wife” in prison.

  16. Manos: Hands of Fate

    [re=596331]Terry[/re]: Too bad Benny Hill still isn’t around the help the British people with a PR effort.

  17. Bruno

    This is the quote that should fire him

    “I’ve got a pretty thick Kevlar jacket and I’m so far unscathed. No one has actually physically harmed me.”

    Ohh, poor baby…

  18. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Take heart, Tony. Folks in South Louisiana have hated the British since that whole “Le Grand Derangement” fandango back in 1755. No hard feelings, mate.

  19. Tim

    My favourite is this, from everyone’s favourite internet objectivist weirdo, Lllywellllyn H Rockwell, Jr. III,Why not feel sorry for BP?

    Ten paragraphs of predictably soul crushing Ayn Rand inspired bullshit for all wonketteers.

  20. One Yield Regular

    I say, I just want to add, cheese off, all you whinging, cheeky monkeys accusing us of bodging the clean-up job of this bleedin’-sad shambles, What I can tell you now is we’ve got a right lot load of soiled birdies all ready to go to hospital, really we do, but the lorry from Halliburton is behind shedjewl, probably because the bloody, rat-arsed driver’s just fannying around in a pub somewhere, ‘avin’ a piss-up or what not. Anyway, I’m just knackered. Ta ta ’til next time.

  21. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    heh, heard on the newsy stuff that British Prime Minister and maker of box office blockbusters Titanic and Avatar, Mr. Cameron, will be visiting with the President to discuss BP. Specifically how all the Brits are getting angry that O’s tough talk against BP is dropping BP stock, and hurting UK pensions.

    Now, I appreciate Obama’s demeanor, I like that he’s cool, and I kind of cringed at the “whose ass to kick” one liner because that’s not him. But I’ll grant him some leeway if he tells Cameron that that we’ll stop talking about about British Companies when they stop dumping oil over our goddamn shores. Until then, shut the fuck up and go back to your fish ‘n’ chips.

  22. Mr Blifil

    Pip pip, and all that, stiff upper lip RATHER!

    I do think that in time all this tosh will seem as water under a bridge (no not discolored water you cheeky buggers), and we’ll all get back to sitting round the pub and bloody havin’ a laff. Because in the end that’s the most important thing, fellowship, good humor, and the odd pint or two.

    I think it was Alfred Lord Tannyson who once asked the question: Are you a goer?

    Well?

    Are you mates?

  23. risqueclay

    When the CEO gig is up maybe Tony can don a little green lizard suit and push insurance. He’d fit nicely on top of someone’s desk

  24. JMP

    [re=596377]Tim[/re]: Oh god, what a douchebag. No, idiot, people who care about the environment are not happy to see a good portion of it destroyed, and there are much bigger victims than BP, such as the eleven workers who actually died in the explosion.

  25. plowman

    The silver lining (sorry) is that Brit Upper-Class Twits like this make our own plutocracy seem almost likable in a Horatio Alger sort of way…

  26. SayItWithWookies

    It must be awful thinking that this spill and its undue media attention is hurting innocent stock values. Fortunately, the party of personal responsibility is all set to get in there and pay BP for the inconvenience of having to deal with the consequences of their actions. That’s the way the warriors in corporate America do things — letting their actions speak for themselves, rising and falling on their own merits, survival of the fittest, that sort of thing.

  27. you didn't ask, but

    The shit’s disgusting and he’s a narcissist douchebag. But on the other hand…there is no other hand. Fuck that asshole. As far a the pensioners, let them sue BP and Tony, too. Pile on, everybody, I say. [re=596357]El Pinche[/re]: I’d love to see Eddie Izzard do it. In heels.

    The pubtards are in a teeny bind w/ this destruction of republican states/corporate responsibility quandry. Fuck them assholes, too. [re=596379]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: Yes, unseemly. As in, doesn’t seem like him. (Publicly anyway, I’m sure he’s got a bit of sailor-tongue behind the scenes when talking to Rahm. And I don’t mean sexually.) [re=596382]lukewarm[/re]: I’ll bite: coo-coo ka choo.

  28. trondant

    [re=596382]lukewarm[/re]: NOOO THEY BE STEALING MY BUCKET ABILITY TO SUPPORT MYSELF AND MY FAMILY

  29. rmjag

    why would taxpayers want to pay the damage for an albatross like bp ? i’d rather pay for a good healthcare system that covers human ppl , including those other than me , me , me . That is meant as a fucku to ayn rand , whose ‘creation’ was the recycling of the same old greedy , pompous shit that’s been floating around since the roman empire . parasites r not “creators”

  30. Ducksworthy

    words and music by Eric Idle

    Some things in life are bad
    They can really make you mad
    Other things just make you swear and curse.
    When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
    Don’t grumble, give a whistle
    And this’ll help things turn out for the best…

    And…always look on the bright side of life…
    Always look on the light side of life…

    If life seems jolly rotten
    There’s something you’ve forgotten
    And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
    When you’re feeling in the dumps
    Don’t be silly chumps
    Just purse your lips and whistle – that’s the thing.

    And…always look on the bright side of life…
    Always look on the light side of life…

    For life is quite absurd
    And death’s the final word
    You must always face the curtain with a bow.
    Forget about your sin – give the audience a grin
    Enjoy it – it’s your last chance anyhow.

    So always look on the bright side of death
    Just before you draw your terminal breath

    Life’s a piece of shit
    When you look at it
    Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true.
    You’ll see it’s all a show
    Keep ‘em laughing as you go
    Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

    And always look on the bright side of life…
    Always look on the right side of life…
    (Come on guys, cheer up!)
    Always look on the bright side of life…
    Always look on the bright side of life…
    (Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
    Always look on the bright side of life…
    (I mean – what have you got to lose?)
    (You know, you come from nothing – you’re going back to nothing.
    What have you lost? Nothing!)
    Always look on the right side of life…

  31. Neilist

    [re=596356]TGY[/re]: “You must be drunk 80-90% . . . ”

    More like 110%.

    And it’s a Mean Drunk.

    [re=596375]Bruno[/re]: “No one has actually physically harmed me.”

    Now, THAT can be fixed.

  32. Crank Tango

    [re=596415]the problem child[/re]: or is he? I heard he was shopping around for a reality show…a sort of deal or no deal meets fear factor, meets flavor of love.

  33. Whiskeybaby

    [re=596349]Neilist[/re]: Being of the Australian persuasion, a friend asked the other day what Aussies mean when they say “whinging pom”? I explained that it’s what Brits do constantly, whine about stuff, like how they can’t get back to smoking diamonds and mainlining caviar, or whatever the fuck old Tony does in his spare time…

  34. ella

    Tony, yo! Good to see ya! Hey, don’t worry about this trifling stuff on our (gooey) side of the pond, ’cause the British media are so pro-you and BP that even the Guardian is in the tank for you(!)

    Hell, they’re all so busy promoting this “Yanks are anti-Brit” shit and kissing your disgusting behind they haven’t even bothered to report about wee things like trying to keep the press at bay in the Gulf. It must be magic to be you!

  35. Cape Clod

    Don’t worry about this little cock-up, Tony. It isn’t the first time in the history of the Britain that some entitled, blinkered swell has been hit for six by circumstances that they couldn’t possibly have forseen, what? And don’t worry about being buggered in jail. A Public School man who can’t weather a bit of rough sodomy isn’t worth the herring he’s kippered in, eh?

  36. Jukesgrrl

    [re=596343]memzilla[/re]: I totally 100% agree that BP will declare bankruptcy, except I think they’ll be taken over by Shell (aka Royal Dutch Shell). They’re only the 8th largest corporation in the WORLD, so isn’t it time for them to expand? And they’ve so far only destroyed the homeland of the Ogani people in Nigeria and been responsible for the largest freshwater oil spill in the world (Argentina), so they have a lot of work to do to catch up with their rivals.

    Their CEO is this guy from Switzerland.
    http://i.thisislondon.co.uk/i/pix/2008/10/peter-voser-415×275.jpg
    Do you think he looks like he’s up to something? Couldn’t be. Everybody loves Switzerland … Heidi … chocolate … tax shelters and all that?

  37. Absolutely Fapulous

    [re=596351]azw88[/re]: I was thinking the same thing. Although, Halliburton (HAL) stock is down 21% over the last three months, and BP (BP) and Transocean (RIG) are down 42% and 49% respectively. But yeah, they’re not getting their fair share of the public outrage. Probably because they haven’t sent out douchetard clowns to speak to the media on their behalves. We all prefer that our villainous corporations have unlikeable humanoid avatars.

    OK, Halliburton has Cheney, but being angry at him hasn’t hurt him yet, and that gets pretty demoralizing after a while…

  38. trondant

    I’m really hoping that thing in the upper right corner of that pic is a tombstone. After all, companies should be buried where they died.

  39. Bearbloke

    [re=596427]Whiskeybaby[/re]: I’ve heard a bit of idle chat that some of our Heroic Antipodean prawn fisheries are quietly wondering about the US market potentials, now that the Bloody Poms oil spill has murdered the Gulf of Mexico…. perhaps if Hayward wants his life back, he can come down here and become a trade lobbyist, and when we’re done with ‘im, we can bury ‘im in the bush…

  40. Escape Goat Nation

    Just a reminder to our, “friends” from Englandia.
    We bombed the shit out of Iraq for doing far less.

  41. BOOBIES!

    When you open the dictionary to the word “Douchebage” instead of a verbal definition, I think they should simply post that picture of Tony – the Tory Turd.

  42. Neilist

    [re=596425]proudgrampa[/re]: “whinging pom” is one of those . . .whatdayacallit? . . . tautology thingies, isn’t it?

    Like “Incompetent Brit”?

  43. Numbat Dundee

    [re=596349]Neilist[/re]: I’m of Irish and Tasmanian Aboriginal descent. I alternate between spearing them in the back and clubbing the back of their heads with a shillelagh. With Tony,I’d do both. And then I’d beat him at cricket.

  44. EdFlinstone

    Well thank god professional CEO pole smoker Maria Bartiromo was on several shows today to make the case to go easy on BP because they employ a lot of people and spend a lot of money. So please shrimpers and oyster fishermen who cant fish, and coastal tourist businesses with no business, think about how this is affecting poor BP and its shareholders.

  45. Escape Goat Nation

    Dear U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team.
    I want you to look at this photo. Take a good long look.
    Yes, this is a baby BALD EAGLE! The symbol of our nation. The embodiment of Freedom, an honest days work for a fair wage, our never say quit spirit and why and what we fight for.
    This helpless baby Bald Eagle is what makes America the greatest nation on Earth!

    Just look what Great England did to it!
    http://www.sea-way.org/blog/ExxonValdez5.JPG

    When you’re done crying and puking, remember this:

    On Saturday, June 13th, you have your opportunity to exact revenge on the bastard barbarians that did this! This little baby Bald Eagle might not make it unless you absolutely humiliate, embarrass and rub their faces into the pitch for every God Damned second of the game.

    P.S.
    Pay special attention to Steven Gerrard and Wayne Rooney. These two assholes are the ones that ordered the biological attack on our country.

    Now get out there and fuck ‘em up.
    Fuck ‘em up real good!
    and God bless and support our troops.

  46. Oblios Cap

    [re=596417]Ducksworthy[/re]:

    I’ve been pushing that song all day. It gets stuck in your head and drives you crazy.

  47. One Yield Regular

    [re=596559]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: Ugh. Does that photo come in a painted-on-black-velvet, crying eagle version? Get the PhotoShop machine cranking; there’s a whole world of aggressively patriotic, tea-baggery bald eagle imagery that needs a little updating.

  48. problemwithcaring

    [re=596351]azw88[/re]: “The real problem is, BP is taking it in the ass.”

    Oh. I thought it was the oily pelicans.

  49. AnnieGetYourFun

    This is all well and good, but why drag Andy Serkis into the fray by defacing his photo?

  50. Geogre

    Tony, I do so hope you’ll understand, but we’ve decided that you need to go to the worker re-education camps for a few years. It’s for the good of the stockholders, you see. It’s for the bottom line, and who can argue with that? No one can, of course, because that’s what it’s all about. It’s just that we have recently discovered that the “bottom line” is actually some deal farther down from where we thought it was.

    You see… and this was quite a shocker to all of us, I must say, it turns out that the stock holders and managers were, in fact, not different from the workers, or, as we used to say, “labor costs.” It turns out that all of them together were part of something called “humanity” and that there was a dividend structure already in place and a contract binding on us prior to taking our positions.

    Quite stunning.

    However, now that we understand this, we’re going to have to do a bit of a reshuffle. To meet our contractual obligations and be better stewards, it seems that we’re all going to have to go work as “mud men” and the like for some open ended term.

    I hope you’ll understand, and we look forward to your prompt compliance with our wishes.

    The Management

  51. TicChiracTac

    Oh la. I heard he’s been forced sell the miserable half of Derbyshire, forsooth!

  52. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=596559]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: Saturday, June 13, 2010.

    USA – 3
    England – nil

    :)

  53. tater tot

    [re=596535]Neilist[/re]: Please God, let me remember “whinging Pom” for the rest of my life. amen

  54. crumpet

    A friend once told me about this nonprofit’s board she was on that I knew a lot about, and how one day this rather nice man, in fact a Britisherman, who was also on the board, came in to tell them oh, oops, I, the treasurer, made this oh-so-silly mistake, and instead of the organization being at break-even, which they had all credulously taken at his word for months and months, it was really very desperately hemorrhaging (or is that haemorrhaging?) munnies like mad. And this wonderful woman told me that she thought “if ever there was a case to be made for honorable suicide, it was right there, for Piers”.

    Honorable suicide: a vanishing tradition.

  55. Captain Swing

    Problem: U.S. banks’ irresponsibilty brings the economy to it’s knees.
    Solution: Tap the U.S. taxpayer.

    Problem: European banks keep on lending irresponsibly to pissant Euro Zone countries so that they can throw euros around like drunken sailors and are now looking at defaulting on sovereign debt.
    Solution: Tap the European taxpayer… Er, well, actually the German and French taxpayer (the next general elections in those countries should be a hoot).

    Problem: Large oil company is allowed (by divine edict of Darth Cheney and his minions) to scrap those expensive, pain-in-the-ass-and-who-needs-’em-anyway safety protocols on their off shore wells, and now face the mother of all clusterfucks.
    Solution 1: Tap the U.S. taxpayer
    Solution 2: Allow the company to be ‘taken over’, leaving behind a “Restoration Fund”, promised to be big enough to meet all claims, but guaranteed to run out just as the executives’ private jets clear U.S. airspace and leaving the government to do the clean up and… tap the U.S. taxpayer.

    Today, we are all slimed water birds… and cynical ones, also.

  56. Smoke Filled Roommate

    Tony Hayward PR anagram: “Why no Tar Day?” A Worldwide Tar Day would most definitely allow everyone affected to reflect on Tony and his life pre- and post- Tar Day.

  57. widget09

    Where’s Ayn Rands thesis when you need it? Eh? Shouldn’t this marverous corporation with it’s gleaming equipment, bathed in sunshine, in the azure clear blue sky, with fresh cinnimon smelling air, with pretty bluebirds circling the green & yellow sunflower shaped beautiful logo, be able to sprinkle some of their magical propietary fairy dust and eliminate this menace so poor old Tony can get his life back.

  58. aidanharriss

    Tony Hayward must take the moral responsibility of this oil spill and resign from his post. He is solely responsible for this devastating accident that has resulted in the death of a number of wild life species.
    Pure Cleanse

  59. MsQuasimodo

    BP has managed to accomplish what I never thought to be possible. I now have profound sympathy for Gulf coastal states like Alabama, Georgia, and Florida. I always loved New Orleans, now I have sympathy for the entire Louisiana state (the coast and wetlands, anyway).

    I don’t blame the Brits in particular. BP like all big oil, are global multinational corporations. The US gov’t shares in culpability through lack of regulation and all that crap that it should have been enforcing all along. Look at our Wall Street CEOs. Just as slimy as this BP bloke.

    Fucking big oil. Fucking US gov’t, owned by plutocratic corporatists. Bags of salted rat dicks are too good for them. Bags of oil soaked dicks from dead sea animals are more fitting.

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