Meet Alvin Greene, South Carolina’s Democratic Candidate For Senate

  modern democrats


KKK prank Alvin Greene gives a painful telephone interview here, and whoa man, now you know what makes South Carolina Republicans laugh. [YouTube via Wonkette operative "Rev. Peter Lemonjello"]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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80 comments

  1. Oldskool

    Not sure which is the real prank, a total unknown running and winning or whoever they found to do this interview for “Mr Greene”.

  2. Noonan

    This sounds like a Jerky Boys soundboard prank.

    “Yes.”
    “Yes.”
    “Who is your daddy and what does he do?”
    “Yes.”

  3. Aguacatero

    He says he’s for keeping unions out of SC; sounds rather like an establishment Democrat.

  4. Snarkalicious

    If he will bust out the porno and try to fuck Michelle Bachman, I will move to vote for him.

  5. V572625694

    Okay this is all fine, but how are Sarah’s tits today? This is what America wants to know.

  6. Pompous Magnus

    This just makes me sad. Some poor, unemployed guy living in the boonies with his ailing father is being exploited for political gain and/or giggles by someone else.

    There is nothing redeeming in this story. It’s right in the same ballpark as the Prescott, Arizona mural fiasco last week.

  7. I Heart Accuracy

    Flop sweats trying to find the right spot on the script. Poor fucker got screwed.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Hey, the Republican dirty tricksters have come a long way — ten years ago they would’ve been frightening white people about letting this man date their daughters, and now they’re making him a Democratic plant. Progress!

  9. charlesdegoal

    What’s wrong with a united, democratic Korea? How come no one else has thought of that? Or of keeping this nation union free? Brilliant. Needs a bit of speech therapy, however.

  10. progressiveinga

    Should have asked, ‘how’s that hopey changey thingy workin’ for ya?’ Inquiring minds want to know.

  11. JMP

    [re=596236]SmutBoffin[/re]: No, Rep. Clyburn, Mr. Greene is a member of the genus Homo sapiens who gets energy from food rather than photosynthesis, he is an animal, this is very simple.

    As for the rest of this story, now that we’re getting more information about this guy it does seem just too sad to joke much about.

  12. mumblyjoe

    [re=596236]SmutBoffin[/re]: Well, not a plant, but definitely a patsy played by party-crossing crypto-rethuglicans intended to sandbag opposition efforts at a reasonably competative election on actual policy merits that, realistically, they probably would have lost anyway.

    I’m not saying that South Carolina Republicans are fundamentally hostile to the idea of democratic elections where politicians are selected based on merits of their ideas, or anything, but hey, if the brown shirts fit…

    Honestly, if I lived in South Carolina, I’d actually vote and campaign for this poor guy, out of spite towards the rest of the state. It’s literally the closest I could come to punching South Carolina in the face, so.

  13. Slattenpat

    Gosh, that’s too awkward to sit through… I really hope someone gets busted for setting this poor guy up for such a public shaming.

    Then it will just be a matter of woefully anticipating the inevitable weak-ass “Alvin And The Chipmunks,” jokes from Jay Leno about “Alvin And The Chipper Monks,” or “Alvin And The Chipped Mugs,” or whatever else unfunny fuckery he’ll squeeze out of this.

  14. Gorillionaire

    You know, I gotta hand one thing to him – he actually tells the interviewer that he does not know how to respond to the free trade question and he will have to study up on it. This is at least 100,000 points better than all Republicans, who instantly have an assertive opinion about absolutely everything.

  15. JMP

    [re=596255]SayItWithWookies[/re]: They’re still trying to frighten voters that way, though – the point in getting him in seems to be to rile up the base because the Democratic candidate is a big scary black man who will sexually assault (actually just hit on in a creepy manner, but we’ll call it assault) your young white daughters.

    [re=596271]AllHat[/re]: Remember that this is a state that still flies the Confederate flag at it’s capitol.

  16. Neilist

    This is as Morally Outrageous as the two Canadian comedians calling Palin on behalf of the Prime Minister of France.

    Except that Mr. Green has bigger tits.

  17. One Yield Regular

    Through the fence, between the curling flower spaces, I could see them hitting.

  18. CivicHoliday

    My four month old baby has a better shot of winning that seat that poor Mr. Greene.

  19. KnaveOfDiamonds

    While the interview’s intent seemed to be to make fun of the poor guy, I just felt sorry for someone way out of his depth. I look forward to targeting some of this Internet snark/disgust at whatever republican activist originally set up Mr. Greene.

  20. Manos: Hands of Fate

    This dude won by a pretty substantial majority. Do SC Dems really give that much of a rats ass about their U.S. Sen nominee that they don’t even know who they are voting for? And what the fuck did the other guy do to piss so many of them off.

  21. ph7

    The DNC should just offer the guy another 10K to fess up about who wrote the check and put him up to this.

  22. Beowoof

    Gee the open elections worked so well fucking over the democrats in SC, they have now extended this wonder option to California. BOHICA for the democrats.

  23. Johnny Zhivago

    He should come across as viciously hostile to the media – and he might actually have a chance.

  24. GOPCrusher

    I’m surprised that the Tea Baggers aren’t out in force, telling America how he is further proof that they are going to take America back from the darkies.

  25. Gregoire

    Can we hear from somebody in South Carolina who voted for this person? There’s thousands of them, correct? I’d like to hear a reasoned explanation.

  26. Way Cool Larry

    [re=596309]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Indeed. I can only figure them Diebolds were rigged.

  27. Way Cool Larry

    [re=596322]slappypaddy[/re]: actually, I suspect he is the least guilty party here; the real culprits are the guys who set him up and rigged the voting.

  28. finallyhappy

    [re=596327]Gregoire[/re]: I would too but I do not think any of those voters are here at Wonkette. The head of the Dem Senatorial Campaign Committee said they knew they could never win in SC so they didn’t try to vet this guy.

  29. Mr Blifil

    [re=596306]KnaveOfDiamonds[/re]: Couldn’t listen to it. Did the interviewer ask him if he has received help from anyone, and if he managed the filing fee on his own? Those are really the only pertinent questions at this point. That and his dick measurements. He seems like more authentic “Mandingo” material than the current Halfrican residing in the WHITE House.

  30. slappypaddy

    [re=596371]Mr Blifil[/re]: parts of it i couldn’t make out, because i’m at the office and my computer is under my desk and has only a tinny interior speaker, but the interviewer did ask how it is the candidate both qualified for a public defender and rustled up 10 grand. i’m sure the judge will be asking a similar question.

  31. mumblyjoe

    I’m actually kinda confused about how silent the Freeptards who are obviously behind this have been: normally they can’t help but gloat about the childish bullshit they pull off. Yet, the most incriminating thing we’ve heard from any of them has been Erick the Red’s hyena-like twatter-cackle.

  32. MissyLissa

    The more I hear from the guy the more it screams Traumatic Brain Injury to me (especially if he was in Iraq).
    http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=106321923

    Which would only make the story that much sadder. Although part of me thinks it would be wonderfully fitting if the media discovered that he did have some type of serious injury like that and then everyone felt guilty for being mean and so they all voted him into office because nobody wanted to hurt his feelings.

  33. libwakman

    Obviously a student of the I Am A Dumb Fuck & Have No Clue What I’m Talking About Scarah Palin Institute.

  34. vag

    Wot I think? Wonkette needs to officially endorse him. Dude has Average Joe bona fides. Even better, he’s so stupid that shitbrain racist Jim DeMint will fill his pants with “macaca moment” pre-cum. Chalk this one up to the Democrats.

  35. groove

    “Good evening Sir, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean. That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.”

  36. Bearbloke

    [re=596371]Mr Blifil[/re]: That explains Sen Graham’s ‘special interest’ in him…

  37. Shot at Wolf

    [re=596271]AllHat[/re]: Umm-no, not really. Lots of political dirty tricks (like McCain’s whispered-about alleged black child during the ’04 primaries.) Like Sanford’s chasing the Argentinian tail…like Nikki’s alleged affair(s)…like any reality TV show/soap opera. The indigenous personnel (think WalMart wide bodies) seem to like the lowest of the low-brow forms of entertainment. Rass’lin, cheap lite beer, politics. Even with all that, it’s still a great place to live, long as you don’t get none of it on ya!

  38. zhubajie

    [re=596239]V572625694[/re]: Like a pair of deflated baloons, like usual. What did you expect?

  39. notreallyhelping

    Dear Mr. Greene. Please, sir, do not mix Scotch with codeine cough syrup. While huffing paint. Just don’t do it. ‘Kay? (Done yet? Am I done yet? Whew.) ‘Cause, you know…it’s bad.

  40. zhubajie

    [re=596309]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: He is an unemployed veteran; maybe all the other unemployed vets voted for him.

  41. Lefty Lucy

    [re=596271]AllHat[/re]: My brother once lived in Greenville till he couldn’t stand it anymore. He called Columbia the “Screen Door to Hell.” He moved back to the rotting carcass of Northeastern Ohio after less than a year. Said the quality of life was better.

  42. Maus

    [re=596408]mumblyjoe[/re]: “I’m actually kinda confused about how silent the Freeptards who are obviously behind this have been: normally they can’t help but gloat about the childish bullshit they pull off.”

    It shows an unusual amount of self-restraint for them to not blurt out something racist, so I’m assuming that they’re almost as shocked as we are.

  43. Mad Farmer Manifest

    [re=596409]MissyLissa[/re]: Absolutely. Was he deployed in Iraq or Afghanistan, and did he get nailed by an IED explosion? He seems like he’s had a TBI and resulting cognitive difficulties. Poor dude.

  44. PickneyPinchback

    Can I ask a dumb question? Is there really such a place as South Carolina, or is a made-up place that everybody agrees to pretend is real, like Santa Claus? You know, how NASA pretends to track a UFO drawn by eight reindeer on Christmas Eve and issues press releases about it.

    The sheer number of fantastical stories about South Carolina and the various politicians therein lead me to believe that while my parents told me about Santa Claus, they never got around to telling me about South Carolina, and now I’ll be a laughing-stock for asking. I want to believe in South Carolina, but I suspect that if I ever tried to fly there (can’t imagine why), I’d just debark in Atlanta or something and learn this fantasyland is actually made up of Georgia and North Carolina.

    So now I’m off to explore some wardrobes to see if I can find this political Narnia where magical things happen every day.

  45. Hoplight

    Still more coherent than Sarah Palin. He actually tried to answer the questions, for the most part, in his own rambling sort of way, rather than read off some prepared talking points. With some coaching (really really serious coaching) he could whuup Palin’s ass in a debate.

  46. Oh hell to the no

    Couldn’t Jim Newell get Gawker to pay this guy to spill on where he’s getting the money? Also, for this felony charge, who is his attorney? Because something tells me that he’s doing this for protection somehow.

  47. Godless Liberal

    KO interviewed this fine specimen tonight, and…uh…you have to see it for yourself. Have to.

  48. Hagar7

    [re=596616]PickneyPinchback[/re]: Believe it. Driven through it a thousand times. And you don’t want no part of whatever Mr. Tumnus might shamble up to greet you on the other side of Spare Oom up in that backwards shithole. It’s 1866 with a BMW factory.

  49. Escape Goat Nation

    I’m kind of an expert on Teen Comedies and I’ve seen this plot a million times.
    It will end up badly for the Jocks and Bullies that forced Greene into running.

    The student body will figure out what the Jocks and Bullies did and will rally around Greene and work tirelessly for him. They will all pitch in and create wonderful signs and go door to door to campaign for him. They will take turns staying up with him all night and drill him with all the things he needs to know. If he falls asleep, they throw a glass of water in his face. He will get a new stylish haircut, contacts and a trendy wardrobe. Greene will win by one vote. That one vote ironically comes from the girlfriend of a bully that has discovered the true inner beauty of Greene.
    The Jocks and Bullies will end up being caught naked somehow and the whole town will see them and point and laugh at their shame. They will all have to leave town and will never be heard from again.
    The credits will role and each Jock and Bully will have a 5 second cameo and a brief description of their future fucked up lives is flashed on the screen.
    Most will commit suicide. The others will die in prison of syphilis.

    This is what will happen.

  50. President Beeblebrox

    First of all, any blogger using the name Publius is an assclown, and certainly of the conservative bent.

    This type of shit is well known in GOP operative circles. Example: During the 1992 election, I lived in Center City Philadelphia. Not the rich part, but the marginal, West Indies/reggae/pot-smoking/art-student kind of part. Anyway, my ward was conveniently gerrymandered to include the large housing projects 6 blocks away, while across South Street the rich/white folk got to vote.

    I volunteered as a Perot poll watcher and literature-distribution person (yes, yes, I know, don’t beat me up too bad). That year, Arlen Specter was running for re-election against Lynn Yeakel, another Philadelphian, and Lucien Blackwell was running for Congress against some unknown. The GOP hired truckloads of old black ladiez to run around handing out handbills like “UNKNOWN WHITE REPUBLICAN: THE SOLUTION TO LUCIEN” with photos of supposed black endorsers all over, an also ran GOTV and other operations under the guise of “African-Americans for Specter.”

    Now, Specter was pretty liberal and probably did have a good number of black supporters (despite locking many of them up when he was Philly DA), and Blackwell was a buffoon who would have been right at home in Tammany Hall or Sacramento. But the sheer BALLS, no, TRUCK NUTZ of the GOP to hire legions of old black grandmothers and otherwise unemployed black folks to go out and campaign for these candidates was … well, very Truck Nutz-y, or at least iPhone Nutz-y.

    And what the fuck, like the GOP had to work very hard to re-elect Jim “Creme” DeMint? The Dems could have nominated Bill Clinton himself and still lost. South Carolina is a fucking weird time warp place, where Huddle Houses co-exist with Waffle Houses, actual live Plantations still exist on Hilton Head Island, and the Stars ‘n Bars fly proudly next to (but no longer over) the State Capitol. Oh, and Fort Sumter, also.

  51. The Other Sarah T

    [re=596240]Pompous Magnus[/re]: Yup. And just wait for the shitstorm when this scam unravels. This poor guy has no idea what’s in store for him.

    [re=596409]MissyLissa[/re]: Agree 100 %. Beyond the criminal aspects, I truly hope there’s a special place in hell for everyone behind this little Roveian/Atwateresque “prank”.

  52. davesnothere

    Actually, the tipping point difference between this guy and Palin, or pick ‘em, is: he knows he don’t know shit, and seems anxious and embarrassed about it.
    Beyond that, it is really clear there is someone sitting with him, telling him what to say, and he wants to be really careful not to anger them. It is easy to shuck this off, if you assume it’s for money. But what if he’s a hostage, with his balls in a vise?

  53. mumblyjoe

    [re=596579]Maus[/re]: I doubt it. Democratic operatives had (anecdotally- I’m waiting for 538 to finally bite and crunch the numbers) noticed an *unusually high* turnout this year, and particularly in the predominantly rural white racist parts, which more or less screams “organized conservative effort to cross over and spoil the primary”. And if it’s an organized effort, someone somewhere had to be doing the organizing, and somebody, somewhere, likely knows something about it and would let it slip. And, again, Freeptards love to brag about shit like this, even when it makes them look bad or might be illegal: remember that Redstater who suggested an organized campaign of harassment and assault against Democratic lawmakers?

    So, yeah, the uncharacteristic silence is uncharacteristic, but I doubt it’ll keep up, and I doubt even harder that none of those dickweeds have any idea what’s going on.

    Sorry about the lack of funny, but this sort of crap really does make me too angry for it. People who try, and get away with, bullshit like this never really go on to form governments that the rest of us would call “democracies”, so the fact that they’re pulling this shit should be, in a word, terrifying, and in another, infuriating.

    Remember, these are the same people who are protesting and threatening organized political violence back because they lost a [i]fair[/i] election. Under that particular worldview, what, praytell, would the Democrats of South Carolina be justified in doing now?

  54. Matt in SC

    I can’t believe the amount of cynicism here. Can no one accept the ‘lone gunman’ theory? I really think this story is just as it appears– a not-so-bright guy runs for Senate and wins by a fluke. I think it is a matter of his name appearing first on the ballot and voters selected him out of sheer laziness, or they thought they were voting for soulmaster Al Green. I’m not kidding!

    There is no reason that the GOP would ‘plant’ this guy, Jim DeMint would beat anyone the Dems put up against him, so there is no need. Also, It would be way too obvious if he was a plant– this guy is too dumb not to slip up if someone had paid his entrance fee.

    There is no one on the grassy knoll, folks, just this fool on the hill. Fool or no, I commend him for not backing down from the thoroughly embarrassed Dem party leadership. I can’t wait to watch the debate, its gonna be AWESOME!

    BTW, I am from Charleston, SC, which is its own ‘City-State’ – we make no claim to the rest of the State.

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