SHUT UP OLD MAN  9:48 pm June 9, 2010

John McCain’s Twitter Talks Awkwardly To Cancer-Bed Troll

by Ken Layne

Oh, walnuts.
Gross old liebot John McCain, whose entire head is made of skin cancer and bullshit, is having a very important policy discussion with “Snooki,” a bright orange dwarf who appeared on a chilling documentary about emotionally challenged adolescents left alone in a tacky vacation house to die of STDs. John McCain won’t tax you for working hard to get skin cancer, because look what skin cancer did for him! [Twitter via Wonkette operative "Jack O."]

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V572625694 June 9, 2010 at 9:56 pm

Melanoma, thy name is Juan McCain.

BarackMyWorld June 9, 2010 at 9:59 pm

There’s no way he wrote that himself. No. Way.

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO June 9, 2010 at 10:01 pm

Here it comes, the Tanning Bed Burst. The tanning bubble will bust because the government overtaxes the tanning salons which results in the stock market crashing and everyone eating hobo beans…

…and being pale.

…first, they came for our tanning beds.

Don’t tread on me!

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO June 9, 2010 at 10:03 pm

Wait! HE would require wearing sunscreen?!



SmutBoffin June 9, 2010 at 10:07 pm

Wellwellwell. “Geezer Master Beaver” is back at the Tweeter-teletype thing again. Just cold typin’ something he musta read in a People magazine while waiting in the doctor’s office to get one of his thrice-yearly prostate exams.

BMK June 9, 2010 at 10:10 pm

This is good news for Meghan McCain.
And breast cancer.

imissopus June 9, 2010 at 10:13 pm

Is Snooki his pet name for Lindsay Graham?

problemwithcaring June 9, 2010 at 10:13 pm

[re=595847]BarackMyWorld[/re]: Right. I bet he thinks sunscreen is another name for that door on the porch.

Ugh, it smells like old man in here.

Next, he twatters a response to skoalrebel.

edgydrifter June 9, 2010 at 10:18 pm


Scarab June 9, 2010 at 10:25 pm

This reminds me of when our high school, attempting to be hip and cool, announced a new program called ‘Rapping with the Principal’. It’s just so sad.

kudzu June 9, 2010 at 10:27 pm


Deelzebub June 9, 2010 at 10:45 pm

People need to stop treating my pale heritage like it is something to be ashamed of. I’m pasty and I’m proud!

WadISay June 9, 2010 at 10:54 pm

@Snooki, u shld b spekn to j boehner abt ur tan. i do rec not drinking frm bottle!

Beowoof June 9, 2010 at 10:55 pm

McCain responding in support of tanning beds. No way, this dumb bastard had a couple of big chunks of his face cut off because of skin cancer and he is supporting tanning beds.

I don’t know if McCain’s support of tanning beds will help him bang Snookie or not but hey it was worth a try.

And actually responding to one of the most obtuse people on television and his selection of Sarah “store bought boobies” Palin, speaks volumes about McCain being a dirty old man hoping to score some young ass. Pass the viagara Grampy is taking his fighter out the trouser hanger tonight.

Slattenpat June 9, 2010 at 10:56 pm

When Smelly, Crotchety Old Grandpas Try To Be Socially Relevant: A Tragedy In 3 Acts

Act 1: 2004: John McCain tries that new-fangled “breakdancing thing” and breaks a hip
Act 2: 2008: John McCain adds a tacky cocktail waitress with a modern “hair-do” to his ticket while running for President of the United States of America
Act 3: John McCain tries that new-fangled “Twittering Book” thing and breaks a hip

chascates June 9, 2010 at 11:04 pm

Snooki from Jersey Shore? Probably a friend of Meghan’s. And I love how the photo cuts off the left-side of his mouth that has the Cyst of Death.

PsycGirl June 9, 2010 at 11:11 pm

[re=595857]Scarab[/re]: You’re kidding, right? Please say yes.

SayItWithWookies June 9, 2010 at 11:12 pm

[re=595847]BarackMyWorld[/re]: Now that you mention it, it’s got a whiff of @SarahPalinUSA about it, doesn’t it? I wonder if it’s the same person who does her facebook posts or someone different.

ManchuCandidate June 9, 2010 at 11:20 pm

I can’t think of a good reason why a skin cancer survivor would be in favor of tanning beds either.

Actually, I’m just stunned he knew who Snooki is. Considering McCain’s douchey history, I guess I really shouldn’t have been surprised as he probably relates to a lot of the gang of Gui-tards.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 9, 2010 at 11:21 pm

Obviously, McCain is planning on running again in 2012, and he has already found a more credible running mate this time around.

Darkness June 9, 2010 at 11:25 pm

What is it with the capitalization on The and Situation?

J June 9, 2010 at 11:27 pm

Just complete the danged tanning bed!

Words June 9, 2010 at 11:28 pm

This might be sad if McCain didn’t have 1st-hand experience w/melanoma and its causes. Actually, it’s disgusting. This old fart will do and/or say ANYTHING for a damn vote. — please. Have you at last no sense of shame or dignity, John? Believe me, there is a life after this bullshit politics. You just might feel free!

To think this guy survived Hanoi Hilton to become such a sad footnote in political history….

Somebody wipe the drool off his face, ok? and put Grampy to bed.

Jim89048 June 9, 2010 at 11:28 pm

I only know Snooki as that drag vharacter from SNL. Good enough reason for me not to twat.

Numbat Dundee June 9, 2010 at 11:32 pm

Snooki is the lovechild of Crist and Taitz.

bago June 9, 2010 at 11:38 pm

[re=595880]Darkness[/re]: When you find out, it will be too late.

dex June 9, 2010 at 11:43 pm

i think that tweet would make a fine slipcover to the hardback edition of senator john mccain’s biography.

Beetletheknee June 9, 2010 at 11:49 pm

Isn’t recommending someone wear sunscreen while tanning (to allay the risk of cancer) like recommending someone eat a bowl of ice-cream between every meal to avoid hunger pangs while dieting? Am I missing something fundamental here? And why is no one in the govt making the very logical parallel between taxing cigarettes (a luxury item AND known carcinogen) and taxing tanning (a luxury service AND known carcinogen) more overt?!?! ARGH!!

schvitzatura June 9, 2010 at 11:53 pm
Brick Oven Bill June 9, 2010 at 11:56 pm

And we all know that Al Frankin is a fat person, who touches strangers without invitation, while saying stupid things.

So the political sides are even.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 10, 2010 at 12:14 am

All right, just to be serious for a second. I have to listen to FOX News, talk show idiots, and other Republicans complain that Obama hurts the integrity of the Presidency when he goes street and says “Ass,” but there standard holder is now reduced to tweeting some reality show embarrassment in twitterese, and that doesn’t demean the presidency by implication?

Although, after he picked Sarah Palin to be a heartbeat away, I guess we all knew he didn’t really have much respect for the Presidency.

Bearbloke June 10, 2010 at 12:15 am

[re=595853]imissopus[/re]: No – for Charlie Crist…

…besides, is McWALNUTS still a Senator? I thought he lost out last night to Orly Taintz?

nappyduggs June 10, 2010 at 12:25 am


Mmm…yes. Seeing his face in its “waning gibbous” phase makes me wonder if maybe that cyst and its many years of bile and pus and lies are what makes Fencey McHardstools such a crank. Or maybe the damned thing has its own personality and acts like the li’l devil that is otherwise perfectly content sitting on a normal-faced person’s shoulder. What if someone just cold jammed a shunt in that puppy and rewired all that juice from his face to his shriveled up old wang? Would he become a worthwhile member of society?

Prolly not?

Yeah, prolly not.

BarackMyWorld June 10, 2010 at 12:28 am

[re=595876]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Didn’t you get [re=595847]my memo[/re]?

BarackMyWorld June 10, 2010 at 12:33 am

[re=595880]Darkness[/re]: You’re better off not knowing. But if you must….

KnaveOfDiamonds June 10, 2010 at 1:10 am

But, the unintended consequences! Rational tan seekers, avoiding the tax, will buy up the world supply of heat lamps. This will drive up the production costs of McDonalds and Burger King *astronomically*. Unable to afford their staple diet of hamburgers and fries, MILLIONS will starve!!! Why does Obama hate Americans?

CrunchyKnee June 10, 2010 at 1:11 am

[re=595869]Slattenpat[/re]: You had me at Breakdancing.

Oh hell to the no June 10, 2010 at 1:20 am

I am ashamed I know this but the o’s in the REAL Snooki’s Twitter name are 0′s.
Sn00ki. That’s all.

Duz Itayew June 10, 2010 at 1:37 am

A “bright orange dwarf”?? They exist? OMG! Hey, Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa! I want you to get me an Oompa Loompa right away!

SayItWithWookies June 10, 2010 at 1:53 am

[re=595897]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I wonder how those FOX folks feel about admitting to torture — does that demean the office? I’m sure it’s a notch or two less important than lying about a blowjob, but still it has to demean the office somewhat.

Crank Tango June 10, 2010 at 1:54 am

mkkain needz moar canser.

Aurelio June 10, 2010 at 2:36 am

[re=595899]nappyduggs[/re]: [re=595871]chascates[/re]: That is a cyst? I mean, if you say so. But do you know it? I though his squirrel cheeks had something to do with….WALNUTS!

Snarkalicious June 10, 2010 at 2:51 am

[re=595849]I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO[/re]: Don’t forget to blame black people.

you didn't ask, but June 10, 2010 at 4:00 am

[re=595897]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: right. Meanwhile, Cheney tells sitting senators to fuck themselves and they give him a ticker-tape parade. Bary’s damned if he does, doesn’t, etc.

[re=595867]Beowoof[/re]: That’s disgusting
[re=595899]nappyduggs[/re]: That’s disgusting
re=595899]nappyduggs[/re]: “waning gibbons” ftw
[re=595918]SayItWithWookies[/re]: That’s disgusting

Pasty McCain, I think Sn00ki’s tanning bed would find you very taxing. If the AZ sun hasn’t given you a natural glow, not even Sarah’s industrial strength model will work much less Nicole Polizzi’s low rent version.
[re=595867]Beowoof[/re]: see above, also.

Bearbloke June 10, 2010 at 4:20 am

[re=595918]SayItWithWookies[/re]: But torture is in the Bible , Mate, and thus ordained by Almighty GAAAAAAAAAAAAWD. Bush was just being a “Good Christian┬«”, doin’ THE LORD‘s work with the heathen sand-negros…

arewethereyet June 10, 2010 at 7:23 am

[re=595893]schvitzatura[/re]: Oh man, links like that should come with a warning! scared the poop out of me! that is a snooki?

Aflac Shrugged June 10, 2010 at 7:44 am

For policy reasons, President Obama has been excluded from chicken cutlet night.

NJB June 10, 2010 at 7:49 am

John Boehner put him up to this. It’s a shout out to the Tanning Lobby.

natteringnabomb June 10, 2010 at 8:23 am

We now know his brain emits gamma rays.

the problem child June 10, 2010 at 8:24 am

@Walnutz “Cock a snook” does not mean what you think it means.

Potater June 10, 2010 at 8:35 am

[re=595934]NJB[/re]: John Boehner’s poker club?

I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO June 10, 2010 at 8:39 am

[re=595922]Snarkalicious[/re]: Damn, I always forget that part. It’s inadequate, right? Inade… got it.


4tehlulz June 10, 2010 at 8:43 am

There is no way in hell McCain wrote this. He never would have been able to make that “The Situation” reference.

Terry June 10, 2010 at 9:03 am


McCain’s principled stands these days are easy to predict. He comes out against anything that Obama says or does. Simple as that. Doesn’t have to make sense with regard to his life or his past stands at all.

Oh, here’s a thought. McCain should run again and pick Snooki as his running mate.

chascates June 10, 2010 at 9:34 am

Sooner or later that thing on his cheek is going to burst through the skin, Alien-like, and look around for another host. Lieberman will get a pass but Sen. Graham had better be careful.

forgracie June 10, 2010 at 9:41 am

[re=595893]schvitzatura[/re]: That link gave me vertigo….

rikitikitavi June 10, 2010 at 9:48 am

[re=595880]Darkness[/re]: I’m sure John asked the same thing after Meghan wrote this for him.

Bubberella June 10, 2010 at 10:23 am

You know what promotes a tan and doesn’t cost a dime? Homelessness. Have you ever seen a pale homeless person?

jetjaguar June 10, 2010 at 10:25 am


This must, MUST, be one of the greatest twats ever twatted.

lizzieborden June 10, 2010 at 10:26 am

And when asked how she felt about the tweet from McCain, Snooki replied “Who’s that? Is that Sarah Palin’s husband?”

jus_wonderin June 10, 2010 at 10:37 am

Has Sarah poked her mug in to give her stance on cancer?

S.Luggo June 10, 2010 at 11:06 am

Taxing death machines is so AMA.

groove June 10, 2010 at 11:17 am

I loathe when old people try to shove so much into their Twats that they butcher the shit out of the English language.

Dear old people: please stop stuffing your twats. It’s unbecoming. kthxbai.

June Cleaver 2.0 June 10, 2010 at 1:28 pm

It’s so undignified to talk to someone named Snooki in public. And here we have U.S. senators speaking in this way. No snark. This is just so amazing to me. He’s 70 years old, white, and a senator, and he’s talking to Snooki. I… this… can’t… believe….

XOhioan June 10, 2010 at 1:50 pm

Dignity? This a man who screamed at his wife, in public, “FUCK YOU! FUCK, FUCK, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!”

Bearbloke June 10, 2010 at 5:55 pm

[re=596321]XOhioan[/re]: I think he meant to phrase that as a earnest if frantically-, desperately-worded request?

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