The World Cup starts tomorrow, Huzzah! The World Cup is some sort of larger meditation on poverty or east/west relations or diplomacy and/or women’s rights, or maybe it’s just an exotic sport some people play involving the kicking of a ball into a net. Whatever it is, it’s here and we could tell you where to watch it, but that’s not nearly as much fun as listing the Do’s and Don’ts of World Cup viewing.
Do …
- … Enjoy the alcoholic drink associated with the country of your favorite team, even if that team is Saudi Arabia.
- … Shout wildly when your favorite team, which likely became your favorite team two days ago, is losing to your most hated team, which likewise became that about an hour before the game started.
- … Post status updates on Facebook such as, “Good 1st half Nigeria, keep it up.” Doing so will show your friends that you are both worldly and kind (and not racist).
- … Take note that at some point a picture may emerge on the Official White House Flicker of Obama watching a World Cup game. This is NOT final proof that he is from Kenya/ hates America/ secretly despises Freedom and Justice and is in fact a sissy.
Don’t …
- … Tell everyone about that one time when you were studying abroad in Germany and you watched the World Cup in the street and how it was just the best experience of your life. Or, how it really was when you were studying in Argentina that you picked up a true appreciation for the sport. Watching the World Cup is better in Europe and South America. We get it. But we’re here, watching it in the good ol’ USA, so shut up.
- … Use “goals scored” as the reason in your World Cup drinking game to take a shot. You’re better off with using fouls, throw-ins, or naked people running into the stadium. Soccer is a low scoring game and you will never get drunk if you take shots based on how many times the ball actually goes into a net.
- … Forget what sport you’re watching. This is soccer, so it’s two 45-minute halves, and extra time is tacked on to the end of each half to compensate for when players waste time faking an injury. And sorry to disappoint, but there are no cheerleaders in soccer.
- … Root for Spain just because some nice young man who watches European soccer told you to do so. It’s anyone’s game and Togo is looking mighty good this year.
- … Think that just because someone claims to have played soccer their whole life, means that they know shit about the World Cup.
- … Fall off your bar stool and flop around on the floor writhing in pain if somebody bumps into you. Leave this to the professionals.
- … Forget that if we are to ever really move past slavery, an African team must beat a European team. And if you’re from another country but feel connected to the USA, we can only imagine how painful it must be to decide who to root for. We feel for you, we really do.
- … Read TNR’s soccer blog, Goal Post, which is billed as the “World Cup blog for highbrow soccer dorks.” TNR has a soccer blog. Which, our records show, is the first time the left has cared about South Africa since the end of Apartheid …. But really, God forbid you just want to watch the games.
Happy World Cup Watching, and if you are in need of a place to watch the games, DCist and The Washingtonian both have lists of bars showing the games that are offering drink specials and discounts on food.
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Actually taking shots for goals scored is a great idea. You would do sips of beer for your other suggestions and shots for goals and yellow cards. Plus double shots for any red card. Just saying…
Soccer is not football. Men play football.
More to the point, soccer is a far superior sport than, say, baseball because of hot sexy men wearing shorty shorts. Also, less spitting.
Arclight’s Guide To Watching The World Cup For Americans Who Never Have Never Watched It Before:
1) Cheer for the US team until they get knocked out of competition, most likely no later than the round of 16.
2) Cheer for any team of your choice after that, except for Brazil or North Korea. (For instance, I will cheer for Germany.)
3) After that team gets knocked out, cheer for anyone who is playing against Brazil.
Ta-da!
Every four years, my husband begs for cable, for about a month. Hint: It’s not the Olympics.
Can I tell everyone about that time one time when I was studying abroad in England and got stomped by drunken skinheads and football hooligans after a game (wasn’t actually even at the game, just was in the pub next door) leading to 5 staples in my head and how it was just the best experience of my life?
Plus think of all the knifings and wife beatings generated in Tony Hayward’s homeland when the English team fizzles, as they are so famous for doing, on account of being mincing fags, even the ones with thick working class accents and low slung eyebrows.
[re=596296]Lazy Media[/re]: Ha, Ha, but of course you mean “other men”, not yourself or any of the lard asses you actually know personally. I know plenty of men, myself included, who actually play soccer, whether soccer is actually football or playing it is actually manly.
[re=596405]Mr Blifil[/re]: So the girlfriend of the one guy who was having an affair with the other guy, she was like a beard for both of them?
[re=596391]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]:
With a name such as yours, I would have expected yours to be the first comment.
Arielle, you forgot to mention that when someone scores a goal,there’s a lot of hugging and kissing from teammates.
So European.
A game that doesn’t have time outs every couple minutes for commercials played by guys with great thighs wearing short pants. What’s not to like?
[re=596405]Mr Blifil[/re]: on account of being mincing fags
Duh. Reason #1 why I am an
athleticEngland supporter. Tony Hayward notwithstanding, natch, since he can pucker up and kiss Wayne Rooney’s sweaty nutsack.But “football” has nothing on that kickball played by men who log their bowel movements.
I back the team with the most politically incorrect name of all.
In the U.S. we call it “soccer”. “Soccer”.
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