This movie is so much better than any primary night in history.From New Jersey to South Carolina, Maine to Arkansas, Northern California to Southern California, tonight will be the most explosive Primary Election of June 2010, and you can be there, live, by simply being wherever you are, and following the news while drinking! This is what we call Liveblogging In America, and we hope you’ll join us for hours of potential fun. The action starts whenever polls close in the Easternmost state holding an election — check Wikipedia for details! — and will only end once Orly Taitz claims her victory as Secretary of State of California! Okay, load up on the liquor and pills and “chronic” and health food and dangerous-yet-legal weapons, and we’ll see you back here at approximately 8 p.m. Eastern Time, 5 p.m. Pacific.

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  1. Ms. Taitz will be appearing via hologram on CNN to give the revolution’s secret signal freeing us from our Kenyan slave master… and to offer 10% off dental cleanings, now through June.

  2. Can you imagine the impact if as many people voted in the primaries as did for Sanjaya? We’d run out of little old ladies to give bad instructions.

  3. [re=594670]bored with gravity[/re]:
    Let’s keep it simple.
    One shot every time Reagan is mentioned.
    We’ll be trashed in 10 minutes.

  4. I’m dead freakin’ serious about this. You should pray to whatever diety or desert ghost you support that Orly Taitz wins that primary. Because pure GOP comedy trumps reality any day of the week. Plus anyone with two or three synapses firing knows that whatever the 2010 electorate does, within ten years it’ll be voided by the new darker skinned majority. So let’s speed that up by supporting Orly and Rand!!!!! Crazy Train platform 2010!!! (If I could’ve worked that poor Sikh lady into this I would’ve. But unfortunately I view her as more of a victim than a perp at this point, no matter how stupid her political beliefs might be).

  5. I don’t know. Without Hillary to rail against, this whole deal feels kind of blah. I wouldn’t even call it a primary. More like a secondary or tertiary. I’d rate it even lower, but thankfully we have Dr. Wetntite for a sprinkling of unfocused crazy.

  6. I just participated in the NJ primary! But, eh, it was just a bunch of town council and stuff, and Rob Andrews, who would have to sodomize an underage male prostitute with a fresh Jersey tomato and some Silver Queen corn to not win (not because of the underage male prostitute, but for wasting the tomato and the corn; we’re very serious about our tomatoes and corn ’round these parts).

  7. Oh man, I have a job and stuff, so I can’t stay up to see democracy die at the hands of Orly Tainz.

    Time zones are an Obamunist plot.

  8. [re=594670]bored with gravity[/re]: Watch Faux Noise. Do a shot every time someone says “Tea Party favorite”.
    Hilarity ensues.

  9. Orly is hilarious. Anything that puts more Orly quotes and soundbites into circulation is a-ok with yrs trly.

    Also, for the runup to the general, it would be good if a right wing blogger claimed to have had an inappropriate physical relationship with her. Then she could be on every channel all day long. I’ll make some calls.

  10. Also too I was heading out to buy some Greenies instead of drinking to give my liver a rest, when I realized Greenies are dog treats. Damn.

    What are the ethics of asking your kid for some of her weed? I’m presuming she has weed, I certainly did at her age. Goddamm, I can’t do that. OK, what are our drinking words? “The,” “It,” “Win,” “Lose,” & etc.? What are we all drinking?

  11. [re=594729]Katydid[/re]: See, this is why pot needs to be legal — so the parents don’t have to look terminally unhip by schnorring from their kids’ stashes.

  12. [re=594729]Katydid[/re]: UR doinit rong. The trick is to toss your kid’s room until you find the pot, then nail them for something else. But, then, you mystify them by sending them to a friend’s house. Then, when they come back and the pot is gone, you get a comedic mix of relief, paranoia, room cleaning and silence from them.

    Mom taught me so well.

  13. Ooooh, ooh, yes, yes, Orly is Borat in drag, fap, fap, fap, gimme more 25 year old Bowmore everytime i think of her (him?, it?) being Steve Martin to my Bill Murray in “Little shop of horrors”. Fuck, I think my brain just exploded…….

  14. Ohh, I love to be “turned loose.” I’ll be there.

    My victory party wish list:

    *Las Vegas Mayor Goodman, who claims to be an independent, showing up at everyone’s parties with his showgirls in tow.
    *Arrests (hopefully the guest of honor!) at Gov. Gibbons’ failure party.
    *All the chicken costumes that were banned from the polls.
    *Many photos of Blanche Lincoln crying her eye make-up off.
    *Nikki, partying as only girls named Nikki know how. (Is it too much to ask for Caribou Barbie to show up with her new appendages?)
    *Orly, Orly, Orly with a victory speech that will set a new record for conspiracy-flavored word salad.

    I’m off to freeze little mint leaves into my ice cubes for that festive touch.

  15. [re=594742]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Mint leaves in the ice cubes and insane dreams of electoral results and weed if you can find any? Just tell me where it is, and I’m so there with a case of nice Pinot noir.

    Afterwards: the Lee Marvin ouevre, one by one….

  16. I think Orly could win because California votes for candidates with accents. She sounds a little like Zsa Zsa Gabor. For people who grew up with Johnnie Carson, Zsa Zsa or that crazy woman from Brazil with a one word name like Cher are considered middle of the road.

  17. Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster:

    I promise I will worship your noodly awsomeness every day for the rest of my life if you let Orly win the primary.

    May you reign in noodly awsomeness forever.


  18. CNN says John McCain is running an ad where McCain attacks challenger J.D. Hayworth as a ‘Washington insider.’

    Mn Independent says Michele Bachmann is taking heat from New Jersey Tea Partiers for recording robo-calls for the non-Tea Party candidate, Rep. Chris Smith.

    About 20 members of the disability rights group ADAPT began shouting just minutes into Nancy Pelosi’s speech, continuing for some 20 minutes. The group is calling for the passage of the Community Choice Act, which would make it easier for the disabled to receive care in their own homes instead of at nursing homes.

    Whether you drink and/or toke stock up on enough to get through this November.

  19. [re=594667]SayItWithWookies[/re]: The hen’s leg itself?

    It’ll be interesting to see who the nuts in California vote for: the lady who didn’t vote for 30 years or the lady with the Midas touch in reverse.

  20. As a citizen in a state with nothing but corrupt officials who will be live tweeting their opening remarks, I must say I feel a little left out.

  21. I for one will be waiting patiently to see was Bible Spice twats..err…tweets about tonight’s primary results.

  22. [re=594767]chascates[/re]: Charo acted pretty spacey and whatnot but could really sing, etc. Hooked up with xavier cugot a brazillian jazz band musician/band leader. they were both very talented but settled for something less, ithought.

  23. [re=594765]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: the real beauty is they can choose BOTH! I felt slighted having to vote for the Dems because there aren’t any crazies running.

  24. [re=594770]arewethereyet[/re]: I remember that now. Cugat was almost 2 or 3 times her age when they married. I checked on Wiki & it said he once worked as a cartoonist for the LA Times!

    Cugat did not lose sleep over artistic compromises:
    “I would rather play Chiquita Banana and have my swimming pool than play Bach and starve.”

  25. Would you believe i have The Dirty Dozen on VHS? …and i have the machine to play it? Sad huh? Well i’m watching it tonite. Anybody want to buy the original Blind Faith on vinyl…..just kidding…but i have it.

  26. [re=594745]V572625694[/re]: You know, Trini Lopez is also in the Dirty Dozen. A rare film appearance. And of course Ernest Borgnine. And Clint Walker! (Also a rare film appearance.)

  27. [re=594693]phineas_bounderby[/re]: [re=594750]WarAndG[/re]: Has Dr Esq OilyTitz won the Presidency yet, or must she wait for her special Supreme Court ruling? I must know, so I can decide whether to shave my bunghole into a smiley face or a frowny face…

  28. [re=594785]Tommmcatt[/re]: I thought she was from hungary or czechoslavakia or sum such….sorry about the spelling…must be the watermelon!

  29. Just curious…who watches what to get the results. i watch keith and rachel…luv rachel….if given the opportunity i believe i could bring her around…..just sayin’

  30. [re=594797]chascates[/re]: I’m on the other end of the Pacific Ocean Time-Space, mate, where it’s just barely heavy drinking luncheon-time…so I’ve got all day to watch Frau Dr Esq OilyTitz redeem and LIBERATE your KenyIslamic-Fascoialist-Usurped Nation…

  31. Did my Glee post disappear? Who wins? I pay Dish $100 a month and they send me an imaginary remote control to replace the broken one and keep me stay a prisoner in my own home, promising me a technician will be here to adjust the satellite. I can’t get Fox or MSNBC, so I’m sitting here with Campbell Brown and wonkette.

    I repeat–please tell me who wins. Fuck fucking Dish Network.

  32. [re=594794]arewethereyet[/re]:

    Honey, she wasfrom Hungary. I was being ironic.

    Eh, my sense of humor has been off lately. Sorry for the clunkers of late, everyone.

    Hey, did you know that Zha-Zha is Paris Hilton’s step-aunt? it’s true!

  33. [re=594821]chascates[/re]: Is Nikki the one in SC who every Republic male claimed to have banged? What is it about that state?

  34. [re=594826]DustBowlBlues[/re]: I think the tropical weather empassions the blood. And most people sleep with relatives as well.

  35. [re=594786]BeWoot[/re]: Telly Savalas and Ernest Borgnine in the same movie…it’s a wonder the film stock didn’t melt from the awfulness and hamminess of those two. Trini’s okay — wasn’t he killed before the first commercial, like a “Star Trek” episode?

    [re=594799]arewethereyet[/re]: Whenever I hear the long build at the end of the Doors’ “Touch Me” I envision Xavier Cugat in a puffy shirt, waving maracas, as the music gets louder and crazier behind him and he turns around in fear….that was some good acid, back in 1970. “Black barrels,” I think.

  36. [re=594767]chascates[/re]: Ah, Xuxa; it was on just before the opening of homeroom my senior year of high school, and we’d sometimes grab one of the TVs on a cart and watch it waiting for the school day to start; one of the few kids’ shows that could serve the libido of high school boys then (the other was Power Rangers in Kimberly-centric episodes, especially when she wore her gymnastics gear).

    [re=594771]ShamWow[/re]: Now, the CA Dems still have the 72-year-old pothead. Yeah, he actually did a good job before at the position he’s running for; but there is still comedy potential; just comedy potential married to competence, which is probably the best kind (see also: Clinton, Bill).

  37. [re=594834]chascates[/re]: That’s like Broderick Crawford in “All the King’s Men” — there was only one role he could do, and he did it well. “McHale’s Navy” of course was the “Seinfeld” of its time, except it wasn’t funny.

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