Today’s Dirty Dozen American Primary Election is also the Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill’s 50th Day. Did you get BP a present? It’s a testament to the constant spastic churn of the news cycle that this oil disaster already feels really old, like something from last summer or maybe even 2005. But the spill began less than two months ago, and it will likely be with us for many months (or years) to come. We don’t feel like posting more terrible pictures of crude-covered seabirds in the last throes of death — not even a blingee could help in that department — but we all have to do something to mark the 50th day of America’s worst offshore oil disaster (so far). Let’s take a poll and figure out what’s best, for America.
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{ 101 comments }
i predict a landslide victory for the death-raining war helicopters.
Woo hoo I am voter 5! Sorry bird!
It’s a testament to the constant spastic churn of the news cycle that this oil disaster already feels really old, like something from last summer or maybe even 2005.
This is as close as we’ll get to any Wonkette coverage of Joran van der Sloot’s apprehension, huh?
“Drill baby drill”!
…or not…I’m confused now. Everything was easier when it was just slogans and stuff.
…today, we are all members of ELF?
OH oil spill I knew our relationship would last a lifetime!
Blinky! I loved how his eyes blinked in succession
A miniature spewing oil pipe would make a lovely addition to many home aquariums.
“weep quietly” is a euphemism for “masturbate,” right?
They just opened a BP station in the next town over. I was curious and went in. The clerk was wearing a button that said, “I just work here”.
I will also declare a moratorium on oiling squeaky door hinges.
Where is the ‘ignore it’ choice?
so why can’t i see the poll results? also, can we call it an “environmental militia”? Fucking Second Amendment bitches!
Dontcha love how it’s “eco-terrorism” when some Extreme Greenie torches a half-finished stick-built apartment complex, but just “a mistake” when BP fouls an entire sea?
(g) kick yourself in the ass
Number 6 with Truck Nutz.
if they’d just rename every gas company “Arab Petroleum” we’d end our addiction in a frikken heartbeat.
“Weep quietly in the office bathroom.”
Waaaaay ahead of you on this. If it’s Tuesday, I’ve already scheduled baffroom weeping. I will just make today’s cry about the fishies and whatnot.
And it’s primary day for CA governor wannabees. Mr. Burns was running for governor when Marge derailed his campaign by serving Blinky. Things are converging nicely.
You forgot “Blame Barack”
How about posting a compendium Mooselini’s offshore drilling chants, and her denials of making said chants?
[re=594553]Fox n Fiends[/re]: AMEN
How about adding tar & feather Haley Barbor?
Taking 50 shots of crude. it’s been a good run.
[re=594537]TGY[/re]: It just wouldn’t be realistic without tiny dead fish.
[re=594540]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Yeah, I thought balloons filled with black paint would be a great “present” for BP (all over their sign ya know), but then I found out that (of course) all the damn gas stations are independently-owned. I guess there’s not much money in selling beef jerky nuggets and horny goat weed anymore.
Drill baby drill!
Now look what you green meanies made us do! You made us drill! It’s all your fault now!
You forgot the option: Put up a poll with a bunch of unpalatable and otherwise pointless options.
They grow up so fast, don’t they? Or in this case, grow outward and into the currents to spread throughout the northern Atlantic and infect sea life all over the place.
[re=594547]V572625694[/re]: it’s all a matter of intent. if you’re making a political point in an extreme manner destructive of property and putting lives at risk, that’s terrorism. if you’re making a profit point in an extreme manner destructive of property and putting lives at risk, that’s business as usual.
Form an environmental terrorism/defense group, steal a fleet of war helicopters, bomb BP headquarters (wherever it is) and hold a press conference wearing masks, by webcam. (14%, 7 Votes)
Helicopters don’t carry enough fire power. Get into one of those silos in the midwest and reprogram the ICBM. Here’s the coordinates: 51.506018,-0.138187
[re=594539]Crank Tango[/re]: No, no, but “bomb BP headquarters” is.
I took a big greasy dump in the East River.
No choice for plugging the leak with oil executives? Why do you hate America so much, Ken?
Why isn’t “Go to your nearest Walmart parking lot and burn the biggest SUV in effigy/sacrifice to Poseidon” on this list?
[re=594563]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Just add tiny live fish, wait a few minutes, et voilà!
[re=594573]JamesMichaelCurley[/re]: And for those thinking of a car-bomb attack, here’s your target, although this may or may not be the correct side of the street. Ah, who cares?
Have the local tough guy, an “ass-kicker,” if you will, drag a sniffling BP official in front of the whole classroom, where he delivers an over-rehearsed, halting apology, whilest said a-kicker slowly and repeatedly clasps fist into palm.
Wonkette 2005 = Butterstick?
not even a blingee could help in that department
I on this point, I really do beg to differ: http://blingee.com/blingee/view/110978784-black-everything
Mostly, though, I voted for yelling at snowbilly. Blowing up BP would be nice, though. Also.
Only 1,826 more human deaths to go until this worse than Katrina!
Why didn’t this happen where sinners live– off the coast of San Francisco (gays) or NYC (minorities, sex and the city gals)? I await your illogic.
BPNutz. Also.
I didn’t get to vote.
Which is a good thing because Wonkette tells me my opinion on important things like Sarah Palin’s boob job.
That Simpsons episode always reminds me of the “Nine-Eyed Carp” edition of National Lampoon.
Back when NL was sort of funny.
And boy, does that date me.
Huh. Apparently, Choe Yong-rim succeeded Kim Jong-il as Premier of North Korea. According to Wikipedia.
And now, back to BPOILSPILL news.
I think a photo should be of BP’s ads where they tout all the solar powered gasoline stations they’re building. These were all the rage the last time they were kissing up, in 2000.
I already spend a fair amount of the day yelling disparaging things about the Grifta from Wasilla, so this was an easy choice. Call it multitasking.
Voted for comedy “palin” option
Where was the choice to cover Sarah Palin in oil?
[re=594557]pirate king of the Jews[/re]: That’s the nuclear option. Ken didn’t want to skew the results that much.
I’ll be taking some Extreme Greenies to help with the pain.
I just keyed my own car and don’t feel any better. Can I go ahead and post something at Sarah Palin?
I meant “May I go ahead and post something..”
[re=594608]TGY[/re]: He’s a youthful 80-years-old. Good move.
[re=594608]TGY[/re]: False alarm apparently. It’s actually Kim Yong-Il who apparently (???!) is an entirely different person, who got replaced.
50 days already — why it seems like just yesterday that Brit Hume was saying “Where’s the oil?”
[re=594605]Neilist[/re]: Doug Kenney, Michael O’Donaghue, P J O’Rourke, etc.
My obsessive hobby is wildlife photography…with a focus (haha) on birds. I gotta say I feel like I’ve just been punched in the gut every time I see the images of the Pelicans absolutely smothered in all that FUCKING GOOP!
Interactive voting? Just as I demanded in my user survey all those months ago. It’s all going according to plan.
[re=594605]Neilist[/re]: Yeah, I believe Itchy and Scratchy were patterned after an old Nat Lamp cartoon, “Kit n’ Kaboodle”.
[re=594598]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: Because offshore drilling has to be allowed by neighboring states, and the blue states (even when they have Republican govs) all understand that there are potential negative consequences.
[re=594599]TGY[/re]: Oh, and phoneballs.
Ug, 50 days of spewing crude and sea life basically frying in it. I get sick to my stomach thinking about it. No funnies for this one…..Also I wish stomach cancer for Cheney (Dick and his fecal spawn “Liz”) and Palin.
Its time to begin drinking heavily, of course. Because you know what? No matter what you do, no matter what, nothing is going to change, not a fucking thing. It just doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter, it just doesn’t matter.
[re=594553]Fox n Fiends[/re]: Hell, that’d just about cause a bicycle shortage!
[re=594636]SayItWithWookies[/re]: He’s been keeping a low profile since that comment.
I just joined a felonious conspiracy in voting with 107 others for #2.
[re=594561]chascates[/re]: And it’d be easy, too! Just roll him around on the beach among the dead birds.
[re=594648]Prommie[/re]: <<<needs a hug? It could be worse. The drink’s icecubes could be tainted with crude oil. That would be the last straw. Which reminds me, I need straws.
[re=594659]jus_wonderin[/re]: We could all gather in a circle, join hands, and sing the song from Blazing Saddles, appropriately edited, about “our country’s turning into shit.”
But it won’t matter.
[re=594648]Prommie[/re]: Agreed, and besides, I was already doing options 2,3, and 4 51 days ago.
[re=594638]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: GOOP = Grand Old Oil Party?
Ain’t no party like B.P. Oil Leak Party, ’cause a B.P. Oil Leak Party don’t stop!
[re=594648]Prommie[/re]: Bingo. To quote Tad Ghostal, “let’s drink until our hearts stop.”
Wow, Wonkette really *does* have nearly 644 readers. Great Job, Ken et al.!
[re=594577]CapnFatback[/re]: I’m bombing my BP headquarters right now! Ooops, got a blowout gusher. It’s okay, I’m wearing a top hat.
[re=594581]armoredbore[/re]: Torgo’s Executive Powder
[re=594564]Sweet Baby Cheeses[/re]:
Yeah, that’s why I’m not directing any anger at the local station. It’s run by a nice man trying to make a living. The folks he franchises from, however, are a different story.
[re=594567]the problem child[/re]: “You forgot the option: Put up a poll with a bunch of unpalatable and otherwise pointless options to ironically emphasize your intellectual superiority over the cretins.” /fixed
At 652 votes, I join the vast plurality in getting shouty toward la palin. I’m glad I don’t have a facebook so there’s no way I can actually carry out my threat.
[re=594710]Gopherit[/re]: I thought it was mostly just to emphasize our general level of helplessness and frustration. You know, because we have a blighted abcess in the earth, leaking toxic shit all over the ocean, and the only people with the “engineering expertise” to actually stop it are the people who caused the problem in the first place, who have a conspicuous stake in downplaying the severity of the disaster and overplaying the level of success of each of their failed attmepts. But, since that’s not funny, Cocks. Also.
How about this option: Make BP (Actually) Pay
BP has now bought common search engine keywords in an attempt to control and spin the news about the oil spill in the gulf.
Search in google/yahoo these keywords: oil, gulf, spill, offshore drilling, gulf drill, oil clean up, oil slick, oil rig etc.
then click on the BP PR page: http://www.BP.com/OilSpillNews (always shows up at the top/right sponsored links area)
And that’s it. You just cost BP some money (Pay Per Click marketing, baby!)
They should stop trying to maintain any semblance of an image they might have, and instead concentrate their efforts of FIXING AND REPAIRING THE PROBLEM THEY CREATED! Not fucking buying up keywords on google!
Oh, and also join “Make BP Actually Pay” facebook page, and pass the word along!
You forgot, “hacksaw BP billboard supports.”
[re=594637]V572625694[/re]: Some of my favorites. Does it date me to say I was subscriber?
[re=594718]mumblyjoe[/re]: Oh, it’s funny. if you are an oil executive.
Hey, let’s go for the helicopter. If we dress up like hookers and pimps when we steal it, we won’t do any jail time and we’ll be paid for speaking engagements for years afterward.
[re=594598]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: Yeah, really. Where is Pat Robertson when you really need a moral compass?
[re=594719]iamadinnerjacket[/re]: How did you like the multimillion dollar ad campaign featuring Hayward the twat? “We will get this done, We will make things right”.
Christ, what an arsehole.
[re=594573]JamesMichaelCurley[/re]: But you might hit Balls Brothers, mate!
The correct answer is apologize to the birds. Of course you can’t do that in English, you must do it in birdese. So if anyone sees my hopping around the yard, flapping my arms, and squawking in the general direction of the trees, please don’t call the guys in the white suits with the giant butterfly nets.
[re=594605]Neilist[/re]: Hell, that episode of the Simpsons is about the last time that show was funny.
I’m just glad that I’m not the only one who likes to yell at Sarah Palin’s Facebook page.
[re=594710]Gopherit[/re]: Goes without saying, duzzit to you?
[re=594605]Neilist[/re]: Yeah, when I was 11 I went through my dad’s NL collection starting in 1968 or so. Good times.
[re=594637]V572625694[/re]: Damn. You guys are old.
Some people are way ahead of you on the “attack BP’s HQ” thing: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/newsbysector/energy/oilandgas/7809401/Police-protection-for-family-of-BP-boss-Tony-Hayward.html
The whole deal looks like a skid mark in Cheney’s u trow. Only smaller.
Other: use terraforming nuclear weapons, troll everyone
[re=594605]Neilist[/re]: Hee. I still use that
‘Nine-Eyed Carp’ reference, too.
Fear not. You are not alone in the old-as-dirt sweepstakes.
Read the BP commercial scripts that didn’t make the grade. Biting satire @ http://bit.ly/9EDJwf
[re=594564]Sweet Baby Cheeses[/re]: THANK YOU. No snark here, sorry. Gas stations are owned by small businesspeople, usually a family (like my daughter) and they have NOTHING to do with the oil spill and are sick, sick, sick over the whole thing. Individual BP stations have NOTHING TO DO with the oil spill. They just happen to have a contract with that particular petroleum company/distributor. These small station owners are looking at bankruptcy now, in a recession. It is nearly impossible to change your gas supplier – contracts and all.
However, you are welcome to target BP headquarters all you want and send them bags of poisoned rat dicks.
I’ve been trying to talk my family member to get out of the gas business and go into the medicinal marijuana business if Wisconsin passes it – she’d probably keep at least half her clientele, local stoners coming in to buy beer, munchies and smoking accessories.
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