Thanks, six-hundred-and-forty-four readers who sent links to the wacky new novelty item, “Truck Nutz things for your iPhone.” Thanks! Got it! Oh, you wanted us to post this? Why, exactly? Was it supposed to be funny?
It’s not funny.
When you act like dumb white trash, guess what? There is no “irony defense.” When you’re walking around in public with miniature plastic testicles hanging off your idiot novelty iphone holder, you are being a vulgar cretin. The difference between a liberal yuppie smirking at the plastic testicles hanging off the expensive cell phone and a redneck high-school dropout with plastic testicles hanging off the trailer hitch of his four-payments-late pickup? None, except the liberal yuppie thinks he knows better than to act like a vulgar cretin.
And then he buys a $15 novelty testicle pouch for his minature iPad.
Have some respect for yourselves. God knows nobody else it going to do it for you.
{ 98 comments }
Gee thanks Ken, I already peeled off the protective plastic!
Jesus, just another example of how you guys hate everything funny that isn’t yours. Come on Wonkette, I love ya and all but get over yourselves.
On the other hand, it gives him something to diddle while the subway is stuck in a tunnel.
I know…Freudian much, Actor?
this is the end of civilization as we know it… and plus, like EWWW!
i am becoming strangely and unexpectedly aroused. first lady teabag’s chest adornments, now this. excuse me, i must repair to the facilities for few minutes’ meditation.
Wow, you have 644 readers??
(begins indefinite hiatus from Wonkette)
Why do you hate our troops and our Achewood, wonkett?
[re=594420]KarlSpensen[/re]: It isn’t funny. It is tired and forced.
Tea bagging for phone addicts!
Squeeze twice to launch the iSpurt app.
Today we are all smirking liberal yuppies.
Ken’s just pissed because his order’s still in the mail and now by the time it arrives everyone will be walking around with one of these.
BTW… when I was a kid I had a toothbrush with tits.
Tha’s just nasty.
The one in prototype had an asshole beneath the balls, so you could toss your iSalad while you’re on hold.
[re=594431]slappypaddy[/re]: Happy tongue “grooming”.
Cellphone accessory fail (which begs the question, why the hell do you need to accessorize your cellphone anyway?). Tacky, also.
excuse me, i have to take this ball.
@Ken: You spend 3 years making Truck Nutz jokes and then get pissed at your readers (read: customers) for getting excited about a Truck Nutz reference? Mature.
Skoal Rebel has an iphone?
[re=594440]CrunchyKnee[/re]: Probably!
[re=594435]awesome dude[/re]: http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01132006
[re=594448]Gratuitous World[/re]: Or ‘three ballin’ (see achewood link)
iTits of GTFO!
[re=594443]Troubledog[/re]: yeah, it’s like FarmVille. Or maybe when you are licking it lovingly, it gets a geofix and spams your twitter and facebook with things like “I’m the mayor of salad-tossing at Larry’s Bar And Grill”
*yawn*
Call me when there’s a vibrating penile attachment.
They look more like, um, uvuli(?) than testicles, but then again I have a big beefy set of testicles.
That has to be a South Carolina election gimmick.
[re=594452]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: that’s exactly what I was thinking. Ken’s just mad because he can’t get a Solo.
I’m just not sure how much of a cross there is between the Apple-worshiping hipster techie iNut iPhone-using crowd and the pickup-driving redneck truck nutz crowd; it doesn’t seem like there’s going to be a wide pool of customers for this brand of stupid shit.
Ken Layne hates his readers and thinks they’re stupid and vulgar! That’s funny. The Wonkette “community” should make an internet poll:
Who’s stupider?
1) Us?
2) Ken Layne for writing stuff that we read?
Do they have them for a Blackberry or a Samsung Convoy?
[re=594463]awesome dude[/re]: Especially one designed by Karl Lagerfeld.
On a personal note, isn’t it sad that I can pull up a cultural reference from an independent (and bizarre) web comic. (Don’t get me started about diamond encrusted howler monkeys).
‘Smirking jocks in khaki slacks with Birkenstocks and hackey sacks.’
Also, ‘tube top…lubed cock’.
[re=594420]KarlSpensen[/re]: This is just the reductio ad absurdum of the elitist ironic adoption of the vulgar display of heteronormative phallocratic virility — as one-level-removed from irony is just too much trouble to explain and too thought-out to be a spontaneous display of vulgarity, it devolves into cutesy but meaningless imitation. Some find it refreshingly disarming, but they’ve got issues with the Big Shaggy that they don’t even know about.
Did we NOT expect this? Now everything will have to have Nutz. ToasterNutz. VacuumNutz. CurlingIronNutz. Wouldn’t the inventor of _____Nutz feel his Nutz patent has been infringed upon.
If I were the originator of Nutz I would be feeling my Nutz being stretched to thin. Really now!!!!
Wait, Ken is mad? This is not funny? I thought when Kan said something like “it’s not funny!”, it really meant it’s fuckin hilarious. My bad.
[re=594478]jus_wonderin[/re]: Hopefully we’ll get NutsNutz, of both the culinary and anatomical varieties.
Knitted bicycle-nutz are still funny though, right? Because selling those things to hipsters was how I was going to pay for booze this summer.
[re=594469]biznesskommunity[/re]: 642 votes for us
[re=594448]Gratuitous World[/re]: *starbursts*, GW[re=594469]biznesskommunity[/re]: 3) wonkette for posting stuff that we send?
3 way tie/tits/nutz whatev!
Tacktastic except in gay nightclubs then ironic, maybe.
It does have a tinge of Jay-Leno-still-making-Lewinsky-jokes-in-2004 vibe about it.
Shit. This is really making me rethink my patent on ScroteNutz(TM). They were going to take hipster irony to a whole new level! But now I’m worried that a set of plastic balls hanging off your scrotum might be…well…crude.
[re=594449]crookedspin[/re]: @Ken Yeah, you hear that Layne? You work for us!
Based on my previous experience using this line with a cop trying to issue me a traffic ticket , I can only assume —-> Profit!
They should make a version of this product that wraps around a bible so that folks would have a fine way to show their commitment to jeebus and his holy word–Bible Nutz.
[re=594441]Serolf Divad[/re]: It’s all that flouride. Makes ‘em mature faster.
Now the ultimate will be to play the Billy Big Mouth Bass app on your scrotum-bedecked iphone.
Outrage!
Jim Newell was the first casualty in the War On TruckNutz
Six hundred and forty-four loyal Wonkette readers thought Layne might get a chuckle out of something tangentially related to something he’s been making jokes about in years, and then collectively moan in ecstasy when he lambastes them for sending it to him. It’s like an interactive version of 1980s standup. Next, he’ll smash a watermelon with a sledge hammer.
I cannot remember a time before TruckNUTZ. Some cultural historian, centuries in the future, who lives in an underwater city (maybe), will publish a book that divides all of history into two periods: after the development of TruckNUTZ and “the rest”.
Then my still-living spirit will tell the children of the years around 1 ATN (After-Truck-NUTZ), from the Forbidden Zone.
Layne, I just want to add that I share your anger and contempt for anyone who thinks these iphone nutz are funny. And whose a good boy? Layne is! He’s so smart, and good looking, thats a good Layne.
I think Layne’s argument is against buying the iTrucknutz, for irony. Because it’s not ironic, just dumb. I don’t think he advocated that we can’t laugh at people who actually DO buy the fucking things.
Dang, where can I get one of those iNutz thingies? And couldn’t I have been one of the 6046 people to send that in to tips@wonkette.com? I feel left out.
Li Zhao sighed as he poured another barrel of pink dye into the molds. Despite the constant headaches from the fumes, and the awful food in the factory commissary, and the 10 hours a day, six days a week working in dangerous conditions, he could still make more money for his family than if he’d stayed on in his village shoveling nightsoil onto failing crops. But as the spring festival national holiday and his first trip home in six months approached, Li knew he would have a difficult and embarrassing time, like always, explaining to his family in rural Shaanxi his new factory job in Zhejiang, making more weird stuff for Americans. And he knew this time would be the worst, by far.
[re=594441]Serolf Divad[/re]: That wasn’t a nipple. It was the “gum massager.” I had one, too.
Ken Layne: “And stop calling me Ken! You don’t know me, you cretins! Do you want me to take a picture of my poop? Would that make you happy you white-trash-yuppie pieces of garbage? I AM AN ARTIST! AN ARTIST OF WORDS!”
I see nothing funny about a young lady with balls across her chin. Sex stuff keeps me from making further comment…this is a family site.
Good to know Ken can still be a bitter asshole. Now everyone can continue to not read Wonkette anymore. CHEERS!
[re=594549]masterdebater[/re]: Dammit! I was all set to make a “balls-on-chin” joke and you beat me to it.
Um, thanks for saving my dignity, there…
[re=594446]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: And from the looks of thing it appears to block access to the charger port of the iPhone which you need to get to regularly if you use is as anything but a phone. Unless you can pull the nutz off which I just plain refuse to contemplate.
It’s not “trucknutz” for the phone, Ken.
I think it’s a clitoral stimulator. The young lady sets her phone to “vibrate” setting, holds it just so, and then allows the tiny fork to do its thing. No irony at all, and no defense. It’s the kind of thing that says, “This gal likes to take matters into her own hands. She doesn’t need a man. She just needs an expensive phone, fully charged, lots of extras, endless self assurance, and a spasmodic desire to fondle her gadget.”
Since I have neither a pickup nor an iphone, I’m hoping someone will market NutNutz so I can hang novelty testes from my mundane (mundanely awesome!) mansack.
Goddamn. I go to lunch before hitting submit and you all beat me to the punchnutz. Jinx on a bunch of you.
On the other hand, my Droid-Nutz are HILARIOUS.
[re=594477]SayItWithWookies[/re]: It is just too late in the day for me to even process that.
[re=594594]Come here a minute[/re]: On the other hand, my Droid-Nutz are HILARIOUS.
–
“On the other hand”?
[re=594469]biznesskommunity[/re]: Tony the Tiger? Iz that u?
Have you heard that Apple apparently has announced the next revision of their popular iPhone device?
How can one concentrate with nutz constantly dangling in front of your mouth? Who amongst us could resist the temptation of chewing on them until they rip off? My god, what a message that would send…
I am strongly considering marketing VAG-Nutz, for the ‘ironic’ gal who has everything else. The perfect accessory to a micro mini skirt.
[re=594575]Cranky Little Camperette[/re]: No probs. It’s just one of the many services provided here at Masterdebater Inc. We also have a handy guide to “Stupid Stuff Republicans Say”, with cross-references to your favorite right wing nut-job!
whoa there. This is an outrage! This amusing post says something I thought was funny, is not funny! I DEMAND MY MONEY BACK KEN LAYNE! Wait, are you saying that people with Nutz of any sort should laughed AT, not with? Ok here is my $0 dollars back, my bad.
Ken’s just bit grumpy because he got *so many* people dumping this har-har-big-larfs thing on him, and he’s got to wade through this shit.
Here’s how you actually score TruckNuts:
________________
1st Guy That ever had them – Hmm, that’s kinda weird/funny/dumb/audacious. Give yourself 2 points
2nd Guy – Eh we’ve seen this; enough already. Minus 2 points
3rd through infinity: Minus ten million points.
Scoring system is identical for:
-Phone nutz
-Hummers (the truck, that is)
-Facial/nipple/labia piercings
-Tattoos, brands
-”I’m With Stupid” t-shirts
-Artificially colored mohawks
-Fauxhawks
and many other trendy type things.
Whoa, you can get them for the iPad, too? Awesome. Take that, Microsoft.
Truck Nutz……Tea-Bagging……coincedense, I think Not!
Ifap app?
I’m so confused. Irony or humor? Layne or Newell? Pay more attention or drink less? Is it just me?
[re=594536]One Yield Regular[/re]: omg, I love you.
[re=594523]Prommie[/re]: I love you so much it hurts. And One Yield Regular too; you’re a regular writer, you are. I’m kvelling here for the Wonketteers.
What if I were to knock out a smirking yuppie and then strap his iPhone to the bottom of my nuts? Would this be comedy?
Someday humanity is going to make novelty nutz *so tacky*, that Layne will destroy us all.
[re=594441]Serolf Divad[/re]:
I have tits and a toothbrush
I prefer the Hello Kitty decorations they have in Japan.
[re=594749]Jukesgrrl[/re]: I am unsurprised by the concept of finding HelloNutz in a Japanese vending machine.
I am waiting for a Sontag wannabe to write an essay in Neuva York Review of Books on the Comedy of Scrotality and Our Primal Need to Humanize Technology. I mean, how many times can you pee on photography?
[re=594416]JadedDIssonance[/re]: [re=594436]Doglessliberal[/re]: It’s funny to me in a mordbidly fascinating why, of the “someone thought this was a good idea?” variety; so unfunny it’s funny. But actually buying one to be “ironic” is just jumping in to the great circle (-jerk) of hipster hatred and loathing, in which everyone tries to outdo the next guy by proving how superior they are.
[re=594778]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: That’s a question in need of empirical research, right there!
It’s ironic-parody. I love it. The truck to the redneck is the iPhone to the urban liberal, and the urban lib knows it – the irony part. So the tiny nutz on the phone is pure parody.
[re=594616]Mr Blifil[/re]: Is that anything like these ipods people seem so taken with these days?
Meh. It would be funny if it was some novelty created in the spirit of irony, but it’s a fucking commercial enterprise that some dumbshit will probably sell a couple thousand of at Spencers this holiday season. Long live capitalism.
[re=594476]Snarkalicious[/re]: Jesus, that sounds exactly like one of Todd Rundgren’s raps!
[re=594536]One Yield Regular[/re]: Lets see here what poor Lao had to make: beer cozies for 40s, dildos the size of his lower leg, pool ‘noodles’, tension balls shaped like a lil’ house for the mortgage lender thats now defunct, Crocs’ and Crocs’ analogs, the little butt-plug-shaped bumper hitch cover (complments the trucknutz), iPod/iPhone drop-resistant condoms, Jellies’ shoes for little girls, Frisbees that have stupid shit advertised on them, and egg cartons.
I see a marketing opportunity – USB memory sticks with little nutz on them.
Could put the LEDs in the nutz so they flash when the stick is being accessed.
If I saw a chick with that on her phone I’d ask her out.
That shit is pretty funny. Any girl who is that funny deserves a good time.
[re=594536]One Yield Regular[/re]: Still better than the giant multi-colore dildoes, which even the elders found confusing.
Waitaminunte.
All these months you (my beloved Wonkette) cite stories and pictures of Trucknuts and now, suddenly, you pee yourself in rage over your readers sending in stories of Iphone nutz?
Really? You didn’t really think that out fully before you wrote this bit , didja?
Ken needs a hug, a teabag, a big fatty, a Valium and a vacation.
Somehow, I can’t see the levity in having a set of plastic nuts hanging next to my mouth all the time. Call me crazy.
I can see Steve Jobs now, kicking himself for not offering them to the Fan Boys as an official Apple accessory and squeezing another twenty-five bucks out of these dweebs.
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