public service announcement

Oh Here’s Your iPhone Nutz, NOW STOP SENDING IT, NOT EVEN FUNNY JESUS CHRIST COME ON

Jesus fucking christ we are so fucking tired of this dumb fucking bullshit STOP IT.Thanks, six-hundred-and-forty-four readers who sent links to the wacky new novelty item, “Truck Nutz things for your iPhone.” Thanks! Got it! Oh, you wanted us to post this? Why, exactly? Was it supposed to be funny?

It’s not funny.

When you act like dumb white trash, guess what? There is no “irony defense.” When you’re walking around in public with miniature plastic testicles hanging off your idiot novelty iphone holder, you are being a vulgar cretin. The difference between a liberal yuppie smirking at the plastic testicles hanging off the expensive cell phone and a redneck high-school dropout with plastic testicles hanging off the trailer hitch of his four-payments-late pickup? None, except the liberal yuppie thinks he knows better than to act like a vulgar cretin.

And then he buys a $15 novelty testicle pouch for his minature iPad.

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Have some respect for yourselves. God knows nobody else it going to do it for you.

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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98 comments

  1. KarlSpensen

    Jesus, just another example of how you guys hate everything funny that isn’t yours. Come on Wonkette, I love ya and all but get over yourselves.

  2. actor212

    On the other hand, it gives him something to diddle while the subway is stuck in a tunnel.

    I know…Freudian much, Actor?

  3. slappypaddy

    i am becoming strangely and unexpectedly aroused. first lady teabag’s chest adornments, now this. excuse me, i must repair to the facilities for few minutes’ meditation.

  4. Serolf Divad

    Ken’s just pissed because his order’s still in the mail and now by the time it arrives everyone will be walking around with one of these.

    BTW… when I was a kid I had a toothbrush with tits.

  5. Troubledog

    The one in prototype had an asshole beneath the balls, so you could toss your iSalad while you’re on hold.

  6. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Cellphone accessory fail (which begs the question, why the hell do you need to accessorize your cellphone anyway?). Tacky, also.

  7. crookedspin

    @Ken: You spend 3 years making Truck Nutz jokes and then get pissed at your readers (read: customers) for getting excited about a Truck Nutz reference? Mature.

  8. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=594448]Gratuitous World[/re]: Or ‘three ballin’ (see achewood link)

  9. Troubledog

    [re=594443]Troubledog[/re]: yeah, it’s like FarmVille. Or maybe when you are licking it lovingly, it gets a geofix and spams your twitter and facebook with things like “I’m the mayor of salad-tossing at Larry’s Bar And Grill”

  10. Crank Tango

    They look more like, um, uvuli(?) than testicles, but then again I have a big beefy set of testicles.

  11. awesome dude

    [re=594452]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: that’s exactly what I was thinking. Ken’s just mad because he can’t get a Solo.

  12. JMP

    I’m just not sure how much of a cross there is between the Apple-worshiping hipster techie iNut iPhone-using crowd and the pickup-driving redneck truck nutz crowd; it doesn’t seem like there’s going to be a wide pool of customers for this brand of stupid shit.

  13. biznesskommunity

    Ken Layne hates his readers and thinks they’re stupid and vulgar! That’s funny. The Wonkette “community” should make an internet poll:

    Who’s stupider?
    1) Us?
    2) Ken Layne for writing stuff that we read?

  14. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=594463]awesome dude[/re]: Especially one designed by Karl Lagerfeld.

    On a personal note, isn’t it sad that I can pull up a cultural reference from an independent (and bizarre) web comic. (Don’t get me started about diamond encrusted howler monkeys).

  15. Snarkalicious

    ‘Smirking jocks in khaki slacks with Birkenstocks and hackey sacks.’

    Also, ‘tube top…lubed cock’.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    [re=594420]KarlSpensen[/re]: This is just the reductio ad absurdum of the elitist ironic adoption of the vulgar display of heteronormative phallocratic virility — as one-level-removed from irony is just too much trouble to explain and too thought-out to be a spontaneous display of vulgarity, it devolves into cutesy but meaningless imitation. Some find it refreshingly disarming, but they’ve got issues with the Big Shaggy that they don’t even know about.

  17. jus_wonderin

    Did we NOT expect this? Now everything will have to have Nutz. ToasterNutz. VacuumNutz. CurlingIronNutz. Wouldn’t the inventor of _____Nutz feel his Nutz patent has been infringed upon.

    If I were the originator of Nutz I would be feeling my Nutz being stretched to thin. Really now!!!!

  18. Native of SL UT

    Wait, Ken is mad? This is not funny? I thought when Kan said something like “it’s not funny!”, it really meant it’s fuckin hilarious. My bad.

  19. JMP

    [re=594478]jus_wonderin[/re]: Hopefully we’ll get NutsNutz, of both the culinary and anatomical varieties.

  20. Jerri

    Knitted bicycle-nutz are still funny though, right? Because selling those things to hipsters was how I was going to pay for booze this summer.

  21. you didn't ask, but

    [re=594448]Gratuitous World[/re]: *starbursts*, GW[re=594469]biznesskommunity[/re]: 3) wonkette for posting stuff that we send?

    3 way tie/tits/nutz whatev!

    Tacktastic except in gay nightclubs then ironic, maybe.

  22. Gorillionaire

    It does have a tinge of Jay-Leno-still-making-Lewinsky-jokes-in-2004 vibe about it.

  23. Cicada

    Shit. This is really making me rethink my patent on ScroteNutz(TM). They were going to take hipster irony to a whole new level! But now I’m worried that a set of plastic balls hanging off your scrotum might be…well…crude.

  24. rambone

    [re=594449]crookedspin[/re]: @Ken Yeah, you hear that Layne? You work for us!

    Based on my previous experience using this line with a cop trying to issue me a traffic ticket , I can only assume —-> Profit!

  25. alzronnie

    They should make a version of this product that wraps around a bible so that folks would have a fine way to show their commitment to jeebus and his holy word–Bible Nutz.

  26. CapnFatback

    [re=594441]Serolf Divad[/re]: It’s all that flouride. Makes ‘em mature faster.

  27. Prommie

    Now the ultimate will be to play the Billy Big Mouth Bass app on your scrotum-bedecked iphone.

  28. Nigerian Business Executive

    Six hundred and forty-four loyal Wonkette readers thought Layne might get a chuckle out of something tangentially related to something he’s been making jokes about in years, and then collectively moan in ecstasy when he lambastes them for sending it to him. It’s like an interactive version of 1980s standup. Next, he’ll smash a watermelon with a sledge hammer.

  29. SmutBoffin

    I cannot remember a time before TruckNUTZ. Some cultural historian, centuries in the future, who lives in an underwater city (maybe), will publish a book that divides all of history into two periods: after the development of TruckNUTZ and “the rest”.

    Then my still-living spirit will tell the children of the years around 1 ATN (After-Truck-NUTZ), from the Forbidden Zone.

  30. Prommie

    Layne, I just want to add that I share your anger and contempt for anyone who thinks these iphone nutz are funny. And whose a good boy? Layne is! He’s so smart, and good looking, thats a good Layne.

  31. magic titty

    I think Layne’s argument is against buying the iTrucknutz, for irony. Because it’s not ironic, just dumb. I don’t think he advocated that we can’t laugh at people who actually DO buy the fucking things.

  32. One Yield Regular

    Li Zhao sighed as he poured another barrel of pink dye into the molds. Despite the constant headaches from the fumes, and the awful food in the factory commissary, and the 10 hours a day, six days a week working in dangerous conditions, he could still make more money for his family than if he’d stayed on in his village shoveling nightsoil onto failing crops. But as the spring festival national holiday and his first trip home in six months approached, Li knew he would have a difficult and embarrassing time, like always, explaining to his family in rural Shaanxi his new factory job in Zhejiang, making more weird stuff for Americans. And he knew this time would be the worst, by far.

  33. Rosie Scenario

    [re=594441]Serolf Divad[/re]: That wasn’t a nipple. It was the “gum massager.” I had one, too.

  34. biznesskommunity

    Ken Layne: “And stop calling me Ken! You don’t know me, you cretins! Do you want me to take a picture of my poop? Would that make you happy you white-trash-yuppie pieces of garbage? I AM AN ARTIST! AN ARTIST OF WORDS!”

  35. masterdebater

    I see nothing funny about a young lady with balls across her chin. Sex stuff keeps me from making further comment…this is a family site.

  36. JeffGoldblum

    Good to know Ken can still be a bitter asshole. Now everyone can continue to not read Wonkette anymore. CHEERS!

  37. Cranky Little Camperette

    [re=594549]masterdebater[/re]: Dammit! I was all set to make a “balls-on-chin” joke and you beat me to it.

    Um, thanks for saving my dignity, there…

  38. Traveler

    [re=594446]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: And from the looks of thing it appears to block access to the charger port of the iPhone which you need to get to regularly if you use is as anything but a phone. Unless you can pull the nutz off which I just plain refuse to contemplate.

  39. Geogre

    It’s not “trucknutz” for the phone, Ken.

    I think it’s a clitoral stimulator. The young lady sets her phone to “vibrate” setting, holds it just so, and then allows the tiny fork to do its thing. No irony at all, and no defense. It’s the kind of thing that says, “This gal likes to take matters into her own hands. She doesn’t need a man. She just needs an expensive phone, fully charged, lots of extras, endless self assurance, and a spasmodic desire to fondle her gadget.”

  40. edgydrifter

    Since I have neither a pickup nor an iphone, I’m hoping someone will market NutNutz so I can hang novelty testes from my mundane (mundanely awesome!) mansack.

  41. edgydrifter

    Goddamn. I go to lunch before hitting submit and you all beat me to the punchnutz. Jinx on a bunch of you.

  42. Crazybroad

    [re=594477]SayItWithWookies[/re]: It is just too late in the day for me to even process that.

  43. jus_wonderin

    [re=594594]Come here a minute[/re]: On the other hand, my Droid-Nutz are HILARIOUS.

    “On the other hand”?

  44. Mr Blifil

    Have you heard that Apple apparently has announced the next revision of their popular iPhone device?

  45. God Hates Faps

    How can one concentrate with nutz constantly dangling in front of your mouth? Who amongst us could resist the temptation of chewing on them until they rip off? My god, what a message that would send…

  46. Pat Pending

    I am strongly considering marketing VAG-Nutz, for the ‘ironic’ gal who has everything else. The perfect accessory to a micro mini skirt.

  47. masterdebater

    [re=594575]Cranky Little Camperette[/re]: No probs. It’s just one of the many services provided here at Masterdebater Inc. We also have a handy guide to “Stupid Stuff Republicans Say”, with cross-references to your favorite right wing nut-job!

  48. lomri

    whoa there. This is an outrage! This amusing post says something I thought was funny, is not funny! I DEMAND MY MONEY BACK KEN LAYNE! Wait, are you saying that people with Nutz of any sort should laughed AT, not with? Ok here is my $0 dollars back, my bad.

  49. Lascauxcaveman

    Ken’s just bit grumpy because he got *so many* people dumping this har-har-big-larfs thing on him, and he’s got to wade through this shit.

    Here’s how you actually score TruckNuts:
    ________________
    1st Guy That ever had them – Hmm, that’s kinda weird/funny/dumb/audacious. Give yourself 2 points

    2nd Guy – Eh we’ve seen this; enough already. Minus 2 points

    3rd through infinity: Minus ten million points.

    Scoring system is identical for:

    -Phone nutz
    -Hummers (the truck, that is)
    -Facial/nipple/labia piercings
    -Tattoos, brands
    -”I’m With Stupid” t-shirts
    -Artificially colored mohawks
    -Fauxhawks

    and many other trendy type things.

  50. nonbeliever7

    I’m so confused. Irony or humor? Layne or Newell? Pay more attention or drink less? Is it just me?

  51. Katydid

    [re=594523]Prommie[/re]: I love you so much it hurts. And One Yield Regular too; you’re a regular writer, you are. I’m kvelling here for the Wonketteers.

  52. Snarkalicious

    What if I were to knock out a smirking yuppie and then strap his iPhone to the bottom of my nuts? Would this be comedy?

  53. TouchMyMess

    Someday humanity is going to make novelty nutz *so tacky*, that Layne will destroy us all.

  54. Snarkalicious

    [re=594749]Jukesgrrl[/re]: I am unsurprised by the concept of finding HelloNutz in a Japanese vending machine.

  55. lawrenceofthedesert

    I am waiting for a Sontag wannabe to write an essay in Neuva York Review of Books on the Comedy of Scrotality and Our Primal Need to Humanize Technology. I mean, how many times can you pee on photography?

  56. Mad Brahms

    [re=594416]JadedDIssonance[/re]: [re=594436]Doglessliberal[/re]: It’s funny to me in a mordbidly fascinating why, of the “someone thought this was a good idea?” variety; so unfunny it’s funny. But actually buying one to be “ironic” is just jumping in to the great circle (-jerk) of hipster hatred and loathing, in which everyone tries to outdo the next guy by proving how superior they are.

    [re=594778]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: That’s a question in need of empirical research, right there!

  57. tangent

    It’s ironic-parody. I love it. The truck to the redneck is the iPhone to the urban liberal, and the urban lib knows it – the irony part. So the tiny nutz on the phone is pure parody.

  58. imissopus

    [re=594616]Mr Blifil[/re]: Is that anything like these ipods people seem so taken with these days?

  59. upstateNY

    Meh. It would be funny if it was some novelty created in the spirit of irony, but it’s a fucking commercial enterprise that some dumbshit will probably sell a couple thousand of at Spencers this holiday season. Long live capitalism.

  60. bynrdskynrd

    [re=594536]One Yield Regular[/re]: Lets see here what poor Lao had to make: beer cozies for 40s, dildos the size of his lower leg, pool ‘noodles’, tension balls shaped like a lil’ house for the mortgage lender thats now defunct, Crocs’ and Crocs’ analogs, the little butt-plug-shaped bumper hitch cover (complments the trucknutz), iPod/iPhone drop-resistant condoms, Jellies’ shoes for little girls, Frisbees that have stupid shit advertised on them, and egg cartons.

  61. PineyWoodster

    I see a marketing opportunity – USB memory sticks with little nutz on them.

    Could put the LEDs in the nutz so they flash when the stick is being accessed.

  62. Abou Diaby

    If I saw a chick with that on her phone I’d ask her out.

    That shit is pretty funny. Any girl who is that funny deserves a good time.

  63. MOG

    [re=594536]One Yield Regular[/re]: Still better than the giant multi-colore dildoes, which even the elders found confusing.

  64. NopantsMcGee

    Waitaminunte.

    All these months you (my beloved Wonkette) cite stories and pictures of Trucknuts and now, suddenly, you pee yourself in rage over your readers sending in stories of Iphone nutz?

    Really? You didn’t really think that out fully before you wrote this bit , didja?

    Ken needs a hug, a teabag, a big fatty, a Valium and a vacation.

  65. mardam422

    Somehow, I can’t see the levity in having a set of plastic nuts hanging next to my mouth all the time. Call me crazy.

  66. Captain Swing

    I can see Steve Jobs now, kicking himself for not offering them to the Fan Boys as an official Apple accessory and squeezing another twenty-five bucks out of these dweebs.

Comments are closed.