America’s Worst Governor, Drunken Idiot Jim Gibbons, Can’t Wait To Celebrate His Loss!

  fond farewells

He's more street than Michael Steele and Duncan Hunter combined!Leering imbecile and national embarrassment Jim Gibbons has certainly made his mark on Nevada — what with the bungled rape attempts and death threats and public divorce war with his hilarious wife and the Mexican slaves hidden in his basement and his inept corruption and basically not showing up to work for his entire term — but now the bloated idiot and mean-spirited mouth-breathing turd is facing a primary he can’t even be bothered to pretend to want to win.

Gibbons said on television, “I am going to celebrate if I don’t win the primary,” Gibbons said. Why? Because he “can’t go down to the store to buy a couple of tomatoes” without running into people “who want to tell you their unemployment check didn’t arrive today, that their welfare check should have been more.”

Tomatoes. Is that what he calls a couple of gallons of vodka?

So he’s ready to celebrate, along with the rest of us, when he loses tomorrow. The only thing better than a very solid beating by his fellow Republicans in tomorrow’s primary would be if he passed out drunk on the toilet tonight and wasn’t found until January. Good-bye idiot, we hope!

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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86 comments

  1. Mahousu

    So he is going to “celebrate” Tuesday night no matter what? If you’re a Las Vegas cocktail waitress, you might want to consider calling in sick tomorrow.

  2. chascates

    Judging by the web site of the Las Vegas Sun the state is mostly interested in ‘gaming’ and its economic effect on the downtrodden fools who live in that barren desert. Apparently said ‘gaming’ involves games of chance rigged in favor of the ‘house’ or corrupt politicians/union thugs/mobsters. The same principle is involved in ‘paying taxes’ or ‘going to church’ but without any free drinks or the chance to buy gaudy geegaws at inflated prices.

  3. comicbookguy

    He’s going to celebrate by grabbing a couple of tomatoes. Then after he gets kicked out of the casino…

    I love the things people complain to him about. Hey, the state is broke, I’m unemployed and on welfare. Thanks for not raising taxes!

  4. Oldskool

    He musta missed the first memo at campaign boot camp; “At least PRETEND to care.”

  5. gertrudis

    Dear Governor Gibbons,
    Yes, I agree, it’s terrible when you can’t go anywhere without running into the PEOPLE WHO PAY YOUR SALARY and whom you agreed to serve, and having to LISTEN TO THEIR PROBLEMS. Maybe you shoul take more vacations, like our last President.

    You know, when the rest of your state’s residents go home, it’s not to a free fucking mansion paid for by other people’s taxes, and they don’t get state troopers to drive them there in state-owned vehicles. So when they run into you in the grocery store (as if!) and tell you they didn’t get their unemployment checks, the absolute least you should do is to hear them out. Then you can nod in a fake-concerned way and go back to being completely fucking oblivious in your taxpayer-funded cocoon, for as long as it lasts, cretin.

    Luckily, your state seems to like silver-haired idiots in statewide offices, so your luck may hold.

    Regards,
    Gertrudis

  6. Crank Tango

    I just want my life back.

    [re=593703]Jukesgrrl[/re]: hey we all want to “buy” “tomatoes,” but maybe they’re not “in season” where I “live” so I will have to “wait” until they are “ripe.” I think I am actually talking about hoors, but I honestly meant tomatoes.

  7. V572625694

    Ah, our Entitled Politicians. How dare ordinary citizens address them with their petty complaints about welfare, or even their modest approval of the current tax rate! Don’t they know that politicians like Goobernor Gibbons exist on a higher plane than mere mortals? Learn some humility, Nevadans!

  8. Jim89048

    This dickhead hasn’t shopped for himself since long before his last self-reported piece of ass. I call bullshit.

  9. Words

    Ken: this is totes OT and I know you need the ad $$$$, BUT. I’m a threat to get my dog to pee on that BP ad you’ve got going on the left….

    Carry on.

  10. Jukesgrrl

    [re=593727]Radiotherapy[/re]: Well, he quit in his mind. Or maybe he just never started in his mind. He was just there because sexy lay-dies like limos. (Did I just write Beyonce’s new hit?)

  11. WhatTheHeck

    I feel for this Gibbons guy. Unsavory people pestering him regarding their “unemployment and welfare checks.”
    Nevada is not for socialists waiting to feed off the Federal teats.

  12. Radiotherapy

    [re=593734]Jukesgrrl[/re]: I like it!
    All the Crazy Gubners, All the Crazy Gubners, X2

  13. Jim89048

    Gibbons, 65, said he has no plans to retire but that he would like to move to Elko after leaving office.
    I’ve got some acreage up there. Maybe I can move in next door to him and write a book about him, if I can see over/under the fence…

  14. weejee

    …people who want to tell you their unemployment check didn’t arrive today … or how pleased they are that you kept the line on not raising taxes

    He kept the line on not raising taxes on the unemployed?? Fucking socialist!!!

  15. Neilist

    [re=593741]Jim89048[/re]: Elko? Elko, NEVADA? Elko, Nevada makes HELL look attractive.

  16. Jim89048

    [re=593747]Neilist[/re]: You gotta check out Lamoille and Ruby Marsh/Ruby Mountains.

  17. NYNYNY

    “I want my life back.” Sounds like another douchebag I know, CEO of some sort of terrible earth-destroying machine. And George Bush is laughing, “Gibbers, tell me about it! I thought being President was just another part of being rich, but it was such an unending series of hassles and nap interruptions!”

  18. slappypaddy

    from the chuang-tzu (pay attention, this will be on the test):

    the border guard of chang-wu said to tzu-lao, “in running the government you mustn’t be slipshod; in ordering the people you mustn’t be slapdash! in the past i used to grow grain. i plowed in a slipshod way and got a slipshod crop in return. i weeded in a slapdash way and got a slapdash crop in return. the following year i changed my methods, plowing deeper than before and raking with great care—the grain grew thick and luxuriant, and i had all i wanted to eat for the whole year!”

    chuang-tzu, hearing of this, said, “people of today, when they come to ordering their bodies and regulating their minds, too often do it in a manner like that which the border guard described. they turn their backs on the heavenly part, deviate from the inborn nature, destroy the true form, and annihilate the spirit, just to be doing what the crowd is doing. so he who is slipshod with his inborn nature will find the evils of desire and hate affecting his inborn nature like weeds and rushes. when they first sprout up, he thinks they will be a comfort to the body, but in time they end by stifling the inborn nature. side by side they begin to break out and ooze forth, not on just one part of the body but all over. festering ulcers and boils, internal fevers and pus-filled urine—these are the results!”

    that’s all i got (and it’s not mine). i hope the governor enjoys his “celebration.”

  19. progressiveinga

    This asshat is just another winning example of the collective wisdom in electing someone who hates guv’mint, i.e., a republican. Thanks for the reminder!

  20. HedonismBot

    Poor guy is actually expected to talk to his consituents. That’s probably why Sarah Palin quit.

  21. Words

    [re=593736]you cannot be serious[/re]: “dead hookers or live boy?” —- maybe both!!

  22. renomartini

    This shitbag has also plastered the state in campaign posters reading, “JIM GIBBONS FOR GOVERNOR–HE KEPT HIS PROMISE.”

    Promise to what? Bankrupt the state? Sit by and dumbly watch as the housing market goes through the floor, and foreclosures and housing scams take over? Fuck everything in a cocktail server uniform? Ensure meth takes over while unemployment rivals only Michigan in terms of bleak despair? Laugh as our non-casino industries pull up stakes and leave? As the police in both Northern and Southern Nevada become more thuggish and inept?

    Fuck you Gibbons; take your campaign posters, shine them up with whore-piss and shove them in your ass.

  23. edgydrifter

    [re=593717]Crank Tango[/re]: Around here, “tomatoes” is the codeword you use in the hardware store when you’re buying gear for your basement hydroponic plantation. And though I’d wager Governor Drinky Gibb enjoys getting couchlocked now and then, I think your whormatoes translation is correct in this context.

  24. harry palmer

    But you thought this guy was cool when John Belushi played him in Animal House.

  25. you cannot be serious

    [re=593785]harry palmer[/re]: Aha! I remember that John Blutarsky’s wrap-up blurb was something along the lines of becoming a US Senator. Well played.

  26. harry palmer

    [re=593788]you cannot be serious[/re]: Yes, unfortunately Republicans don’t get that you’re supposed to laugh at these gys, not vote for them!

  27. Crank Tango

    [re=593784]edgydrifter[/re]: ah, around here they call it “medicine.” Hopefully if we can pass that ballot measure this fall we will be able to call it weed and not get in trouble for it one way or the other. I just hope the Mormons don’t hate legal weed like they hate the gays and their marrying…

  28. plowman

    [re=593698]chascates[/re]: The drinks may be free but the women are certainly not…

  29. Redhead

    Well “You can’t go down to the store to buy a couple of tomatoes and V8 and Worcestershire sauce and Tabasco sauce and vodka and pepper and celery without having to talk to five, six, seven people…” does make for an awfully long quote.

  30. ALIVE!

    [re=593715]gertrudis[/re]: Ha, funny thing is, for a while the then-First Lady of Nevada had kicked him out of the house. She was in the Gov’s mansion and he was holed up somewhere. What a complete and utter asshole.

  31. uncletravelingmatt

    Who thanks him for not raising taxes? Casino owners? Near as I can recall, the only taxes levied by the State are gaming taxes and sales tax. Assholes like Gibbons leave it to the Counties to go out and jack people for cash.

  32. southern mark smith

    Now, I’m not complaining about the blingee. LOVE the blingee. But wasn’t there a picture of him in some faux-Gothic carved-wood throne with dead animals all around? Or something? I can’t find it.

  33. Hopey dont play that game

    Gibbons are monogamous in the wild but apparently not when domesticated.

  34. JMP

    [re=593698]chascates[/re]: Will the casinos stop- misusing that word? Look, I know the word “gambling” has bad connotations and you want a euphemism, but gaming is a pre-existing word that already has a meaning; people are not controlling Mario,Link or Sonic at your casinos, nor are they venturing into another World (the one Of Warcraft), therefore what they are doing is not gaming, stop stealing another subculture’s word.

  35. Neilist

    [re=593750]Jim89048[/re]: Gerlock. Gerlach is My Idea of Heaven. I mean, provided that Bruno Selmic’s “Country Club” is still open.

    When I was clerking for the Nevada Supreme Court, I saw a three-legged dog outside of Bruno’s. To this day I wonder about the “Fried Chicken Drumstick Special.”

    Dear God. It has its own webpage:

    http://www.brunoscountryclub.com/

    This may be one of those “See Venice And Die” thingies.

  36. Radiotherapy

    [re=593824]Neilist[/re]: I saw that dog too. He was looking for the guy who shot his paw.
    Neilist::2nd Amendment:Radiotherapy::Old jokes

  37. Geogre

    “Tomatoes” is 1940′s slang for dames. You know: skirts, broads, hot tomatoes. You buy them at the store in Nevada, and people want to ask you questions.

    It’s always so sad, though, when elected officials have no privacy. I really feel for them. There they are, standing for election, spending a fortune to get elected, campaigning tirelessly, lying about others to get elected, stepping in front of every microphone or lens in their district or state, and then the darned media won’t respect their privacy! Don’t the public know that these are private persons. It’s not like they volunteered to be public figures!

    Just because you pay people thousands of dollars for “opposition research” to call names about other people’s personal lives, that doesn’t mean that your privacy shouldn’t be sacred. Right, Sarah?

  38. Johnny Zhivago

    “Leering imbecile and national embarrassment” – you have to be more specific, Ken. This could apply to almost the entire GOP leadership.

  39. imissopus

    [re=593752]NYNYNY[/re]: “Why, I couldn’t even torture some raghead without people getting all uppity about ‘the Constitution this’ and ‘civil rights that!’”


  40. Post author
    Ken Layne

    [re=593732]Words[/re]: There are cheap-o Google filler ads here as on most websites, low on the page — and while I haven’t seen any BP ads, I have noticed that BP is buying up keywords on Google for terms like “oil spill.” I know, gross, but the only way to avoid them is to turn off all Google ads. I guess if all publishers did that at once, well … then we could all shut up about the Internet wasting our time.

    [re=593821]Beanball[/re]: You’ve been around a while, so I won’t ban you. But Wonkette is not a charity website paid for by donations so people can be assholes. It is an advertising-supported publication. If you don’t like people to make a living entertaining you, please find somewhere else to spend your time.

  41. southern mark smith

    [re=593753]comicbookguy[/re]: , [re=593830]tootsieroll[/re]: I think they’re quite fetching, actually.

  42. Words

    [re=593821]Beanball[/re]: Honey, thanks for the update. I am An English Major!! dammit!! and we are technical-wise retarded!!! … Also, drunk after 9:00 pm local time… Just ask me to recite the intro Canterbury Tales: in Olde Englishesh of course..

    [re=593840]imissopus[/re] Ref: Jon Stewart & Daily Show– Holy Almighty all that is good in the world! A double play! Helen T. & the doofus from SC maligning Pres. & Nikki H. as “ragheads”??– I’m from the South, and I’m waiting for the shoe to drop on “sand n****ers”— which has alway TURNED my stomach..

    [re=593824]Neilist[/re]: Don’t get me wrong, N., but, has anyone ever asked @ the guns you take to bed? I’m thinking might be a little bit of a turn-off? or, maybe not…. To each his own, said the old lady as she kissed the bull…..

  43. bozofish

    He seems to run into a lot of unemployed people.
    Oh, wait. Nevada.
    Never mind.

    Oh, and by “run into,” I mean ignore except to sneak up and pelt them with those coveted tomatoes and laugh how he won’t have to worry about these so called “citizens” any more…or never, just as always.

  44. chascates

    Speaking of the Las Vegas Sun it notes this about Gov. Shithead’s campaign:

    Rarely in American politics has an incumbent governor — at least one who hasn’t been indicted — been so left for dead.
    A rocky tenure, poor economy and low poll numbers chased the money away. From Jan. 1 through May 27, the incumbent raised $179,000 and spent $5,000 more.
    His campaign said the more modest operation was, at least partly, a choice.
    “He ran a very tight campaign because he feels strongly that at a time when he’s asking for the government to pull back the reins on spending, he doesn’t feel it’s appropriate to spend a lot of money on his own campaign,” his spokeswoman Jill Lufrano said.

    Yeah, right.

  45. AddHomonym

    Like anyone else, Jim just wants to wield ultimate power over life and death but he doesn’t want anyone, you know, hassling him about it it his off time.

  46. sezme

    [re=593844]Ken Layne[/re]: Hey, as long as I can keep watching that sweet, sweet Gruesome Video Footage that will either make me a vegan or more rapaciously carnivorous than ever (haven’t decided yet), I have no problems supporting your capitalisms.

  47. SayItWithWookies

    What’s the difference between a Nevada incumbent governor’s primary victory party and a Nevada incumbent governor’s primary defeat party?
    At a Nevada incumbent governor’s primary victory party there’s one less drunk. Until his ex-wife’s lawyer shows up.

  48. ShiningMathPath

    [re=593755]slappypaddy[/re]: The newsreel’s over—can I wheel the projector back to the supply closet?

  49. gurukalehuru

    Why won’t Nikki Haley take a polygraph??!! If gayfrench Andre Bauer can take a lie detector test, Nikki hotIndianchick Haley can take a lie detector test. Jim Gibbons, too, just to keep it on topic.

  50. mgardener

    He knew that that that was part of the job.
    Republicans don’t want to govern, they just want to tell the rest of us how to live, no questions,no bothers. Do as I say, not as I do.

    I hope when he buys his tomatoes from now on, people tell him what a lousy job he did and what a poor excuse he was for a governor and human being!

  51. Geogre

    [re=593847]Words[/re]: Hwaet! Thaet is ne Anglo-Saxon gewrit.

    Chaucer is friendly Middle English. Now, go read “Guthlac B” for penance. The governor believes himself a suffering, heroic, military saint like Guthlac… except for the celibacy, the devotion to Christ, and the whole “avoiding evil” bit. But he does claim to want to be left alone.

    This brings me to my next point. We need to revive the order of anchorites and anchoresses for politicians, celebutantes, and reality regressionaries who, having gorged on attention and vomited their vapidity, make, even once, the statement, “I want privacy.” We can find a secular equivalence to the anchorite practices. Where the anchorites, very pious men and women, were walled up in a cell in the church, these people could be walled up in a cell attached to a building associated with their true love and veneration.

    Thus, Gibbs could be walled up in a cell without a door in a whore house. Mark Sanford could be put in a cell in a church teen rescue house. There are many possibilities here.

  52. slappypaddy

    [re=593876]ShiningMathPath[/re]: yes, thank you. then if you could, see if you can find coach wooden, please. ask him if he could drop by for a minute after practice.

    look, somebody left an apple on my desk. looks like an old powerbook 100. don’t know what you might be able to do with it, but you can have it if you like. thanks again for your help.

  53. Lazy Media

    There’s nothing wrong with Nevada that a 90 percent population decrease and a return to prospecting as the major economic activity won’t fix. And don’t worry, between peak oil and the gradual ruination of the water supply, it’s not that far in the future.

    Deserts. They’re called “deserts” because they’re deserted, or they oughta be.

  54. S.Luggo

    Nikki H. asks if you want a “date” for Tuesday night. She’ll be at the bar at the Luxor. Or you can reach her by email.

    Dance to the music, Governor McDrinky.

  55. widget09

    Sounds like Jim Gibbons would be the ideal candidate for the next CEO/President of BP. If this idiot somehow gets “re-elected” maybe Nevada could resume above ground testing of nuclear devices for third world wannabe nuclear powers, for a nominal fee…..of course.

  56. Geogre

    Oh, and BP buying up keywords and banner ads? This is great news for Wonkette? Do we not recall BankofAmerica’s banner ad right next to “Move Your Money” at HuffPo? There are some wonderfully blind ironies that result from this.

    1. It doesn’t fool the reader.
    2. It pays the scribes.
    3. It is sometimes really amusing.

  57. What Fresh Hell is This?

    What’s going on with all the other Ag Commissioner Republican primaries? And I just learned that Orly Taitz is running for an office in California. Why has my Wonkette kept this vital information from me? Did Dale Peterson suck all the interest out of the minor, down-ballot races?

  58. Redhead

    [re=593844]Ken Layne[/re]: I’m curious about the ad block whatever. Generally, you get paid per page view (or the average page view), right? So is there a way you/the advertiser can tell how many people are blocking the ads? Do they get subtracted from the page views? Just curious about how that all works.

  59. S.Luggo

    [re=593904]Lazy Media[/re]:
    America needs nuclear energy and Nevada needs more nuclear testing. A few more mutants roaming the streets won’t make much of a diff.

  60. seoramsagar

    This is very cool i agree to you when they come to ordering their bodies and regulating their minds, too often do it in a manner like that which the border guard described. they turn their backs on the heavenly part, deviate from the inborn nature, destroy the true form, and annihilate the spirit, just to be doing what the crowd is doing. so he who is slipshod with his inborn nature will find the evils of desire and hate affecting his inborn nature like weeds and rushes. when they first sprout up, he thinks they will be a comfort to the body, but in time they end by stifling the inborn nature. side by side they begin to break out and ooze forth thanks by student aid.

  61. GOPCrusher

    [re=593940]S.Luggo[/re]: And they all look like Matt Frewer playing The Trashcan Man.

  62. Neilist

    [re=593847]Words[/re]: “Don’t get me wrong, N., but, has anyone ever asked @ the guns you take to bed? I’m thinking might be a little bit of a turn-off? or, maybe not….”

    Three words, Words. (1) Massive; (2) Pants; (3)Fire; (4) Power.

    Okay. Four words.

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