Who is Blanche Lincoln? That’s the question the editors of the U.S. News & World Report website are asking on this post-MTV awards day, and we can’t help wonder, too: Who is Blanche Lincoln? Who is she, and what does she want from us? And by “us,” do we mean “banking executives” or “maybe people who live in Arkansas” or “what did Barack Obama offer her through one of his sleazy lieutenants from Chicago?” Take our fun quiz to find out.
Our “quiz” is just an actual list from USNews.com titled “10 Things You Didn’t Know About Blanche Lincoln” — ha ha, can you believe this important magazine gave up and became a website? — but we’ve replaced several of the items with slightly different versions of her official biography, “for fun.” See if you can find the items that we just made up!
1. Lincoln was born Blanche Lambert on Sept. 30, 1960, in Helena, Ark., and is a seventh-generation Arkansan.
2. She attended the University of Arkansas in Fayetteville and transferred to Sweet Briar College in Sweet Briar, Virginia, earning a bachelor’s degree in biology in 1982.
3. From 1982 to 1984, she worked as staff assistant to Democratic Rep. William Alexander. She began her own political career in 1992 when she ran against Alexander, a 24-year incumbent, winning his House seat representing Arkansas’s First Congressional District.
4. She served two terms in the House, running the second time under her married name. In 1996, she decided not to run for re-election because she, in a fever dream, decided her husband was the reanimated corpse of famous Arkansan “William Fulbright,” and feared offending the thousands of Americans who apply each year for a Fulbright Scholarship by running for re-election under Fulgright’s name.
5. In 1998, at the age of 38, she became the youngest woman to give birth to quintuplets.
6. Lincoln’s role model is Hattie Caraway, an Arkansan, who in 1932 became the first woman to be elected to the Senate. Lincoln sits at the same desk on the Senate floor that Caraway was buried in.
7. She won a second Senate term in 2004 with 56 percent of the vote and a rallying cry of “Avenge Hillary Clinton.”
8. In September 2009, Lincoln was chosen to chair the Senate Agriculture, Nutrition, and Forestry Committee, becoming the first woman and first Arkansan on the Moon.
9. Her hobbies include duck hunting, fishing, and shocking families at local yard sales by claiming the items for sale belong to her, and were stolen from her house while she was in Washington, “trying to help you fucking white trash Ozark thieves.”
10. She founded and chairs the bipartisan Senate Hunger Caucus, which addresses domestic “food insecurity” issues and called for the murder of the Pope.
Are you ready for the answers? We know we are, because we are writing them right now, so we can go do something else! Get out a pencil and take a good look at it before setting it down again and reading these secret answers:
1. True, according to USNews.com.
2. True, according to USNews.com, but we changed “Randolph-Macon Woman’s College (now Randolph College) in Lynchburg, Va.,” to Briar-whatever ladies college after looking at a Wikipedia list of southern ladies’ colleges and finding that one to be the stupidest sounding of the bunch.
3. True.
4. Unverified.
5. They were twins, not quintuplets. Also, she was the youngest woman to be a Senator from Arkansas or something.
6. There is no evidence that Hattie Caraway was ever buried; it was the better families’ custom in Arkansas at the time to throw the corpse “b’hin the house” where razorback hogs were called to feast upon the departed with the chant of “Wooo, Pig, Sooie.”
7. She never said a damned thing about Hillary Clinton, that we’re aware of — although, admittedly, we haven’t so much as googled this.
8. The first woman on the Moon was Rosa Parks, in Star Trek: Heroes.
9. True, except for the accusations of theft at local yard sales. Instead, Lincoln claims she enjoys buying the rubbish poor people sell in their yards.
10. True.
{ 80 comments }
Damn, that was a post about Blanche “Dubois” Lincoln that was almost interesting. Nice work, Layne.
11. Posesses no known gag reflex.
11. Carpet matches drapes.
She is also named after both the main character in a famously racist, pro-Confederacy book/movie, and the man the beat the traitors and freed the slaves. Bipartisanship, I guess?
Blanche really needs one of those stovepipe hats.
Moar quizzes, pleez! Make our Wonkett moar “inter-active.” That’s supposed to be the latest thing, according to Women’s’ Day’s magazine’s. And Cosmo.
12. Is a regular at the Curl Up and Dye beauty salon and cell phone emporium located just off the square in scenic downtown Maumelle, Arkansas.
[re=593630]BobTheBuilder[/re]: Oh please. Not since 1987 it hasn’t.
11. whenever pursued by teabaggers, she quickly dives into the handiest briar patch, which flummoxes them no end.
13. Worst-dressed. Senator. Evah.
12. Claims to have served in Vietnam
That cunt.
11. Writes S&M porn in her spare time under the name Sister Mary Dominatrix.
14 Known “affectionately” as Senator for Walmart.
I Hattie Caraway sometimes. Floss works.
13. Murdered Vince Foster in a jealous rage; had sex with corpse and forced Hillary to watch.
“Why can’t you lose your good looks, Brick? Most drinkin’ men lose theirs. Why can’t you? I think you’ve even gotten better-lookin’ since you went on the bottle. (As she caresses the brass bedframe) You were such a wonderful lover…You were so excitin’ to be in love with. Mostly, I guess, ’cause you were (pause)…If I thought you’d never never make love to me again (pause)…why I’d find me the longest, sharpest knife I could and I’d stick it straight into my heart. I’d do that. Oh Brick, how long does this have to go on? This punishment? Haven’t I served my term? Can’t I apply for a pardon?”
14. Became a PUMA before PUMAs were cool.
[re=593656]Troubledog[/re]: Skipper? That you?
15. Killed Fitty Nazzies on Iwo.
OT, … Ha Newell, or whatever his name was, is sandwiched between “To Hot for Citi Bank” and “Cuomo’s Celebuchef”.
Its Morning in America
And ain’t folk from Arkansas called ‘Arkansawyers’ rather than ‘Arkansans’? Who names their child Blanche? Or even worse, Hattie? When will ducks learn to stay the hell out of that part of the south?
I would think with that charming, controversy-free list, the editors of U.S. News & World Report were trying to get their girl re-elected. But, ha ha, the joke’s on them. No one in Arkansas has ever heard of U.S. News & World Report. Put it in NASCAR Scene and you might have something.
[re=593658]chascates[/re]: Or maybe a cougar. Blanche Lincoln needs Washington sexy-time, too.
Was arrested for making “lewd gestures” to an undercover policewoman in the outhouse next to hers. However, charges were dropped when she invoked the “wide stance” defense.
15. Owns 4 cars, but 3 are just “for parts”.
16. Favorite Golden Girls character? Rose.
1. Lincoln was born Blanche Lambert on Sept. 30, 1960, in Helena, Ark., and is a seventh-generation Arkansan.
If someone is both your sister and your daughter, in Arkansas, does that count as one generation or two?
“10 Things You Didn’t WANT TO Know About Blanche Lincoln”, more like.
Oh and also, re the twins/quints thing, does giving birth to Mike Huckabee count as a “multiple birth”?
17. Calls her vagina “Grandma”.
Is this a “quiztilcle”?
18. Finds Twittering her drawl difficult.
19. Wants to be the milquetoast Palin.
Jesus, a seventh generation Arkansan. That alone gives me chills. Talk about kissin’ cousins. I wouldn’t want to climb that family tree.
[re=593659]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: two-shay
Again, I ask – why people from Arkansas are called AR-KANSANS…
It’s like Arkansas can use the name of Kansas whenever the mood strikes, but change the pronunciation whenever they feel like it.
It’s sounds like objectivism to me.
I hear the Senate Hunger Caucus has a dynamite buffet at it’s luncheon meeting every second Tuesday.
XX. Killed Vince Foster.
[re=593666]chascates[/re]: I thought they were Arkies.
[re=593662]Crank Tango[/re]: My first lol evah!
The biggest sexytime secret of the senate: no senators are sexy.
Does she have a son named Pole?
[re=593686]arewethereyet[/re]: With no branches, how could you?
Please pardon my first Blingee:
Oh heck, it’s here: http://www.peteykins.com/sparklepics5/BlancheBlingee.gif
[re=593716]Shot at Wolf[/re]: awwww!! I hope you took a picture of it!
Sexy and Blanche Lincoln in the same sentence? I am confused by this reference. If you had said Blanche Lincoln Douche Bag user is one of the larger consumers of vinegar in Arkansas, it would have made more sense.
[re=593637]V572625694[/re]: The other day I’m at the Publix waiting to buy stuff and this magazine says “VAGINAS UNDER ATTACK.”
T/F? Only a poll can settle this sort of question.
[re=593748]Princess Sparkle Pony[/re]: I like! Something needs to be done about the eyes, though, she looks like she’s an avid user of the spice melange. (“He who controls the spice, controls the universe!”)
21. She does not blink. Rather, she moistens her eyes with her prehensile, semi-translucent tongue.
[re=593722]zhubajie[/re]: NOW you tell me. I have been forever trying to get Amy Klobuchar to whip her jugs out!
If she dyed her hair blue, Blanche’s noggin would look like a WalMart storefront.
42. Her necklaces and earrings always match. ALWAYS.
22. Is a Democrat. Hates Democrats, also.
23. Will sell #24 to highest bidder.
25. Likes to be rawdogged by randoms.
26. Likes Elton John. Hates “Rap” music.
27. Is not racist, but…
[re=593809]Crank Tango[/re]: Chuckles.
So instead of just fucking her boss in typical Hill staffer fashion, she actually fucked over her boss, by running against him and winning?
BallBustin’BitchBlanche!
28. Always pestering that cute Sen Maria Cantwell (D – WA) to let her join her and Patty Murray (D – WA) on “Girls Spa Weekend” in Taos.
What’s her position on the 1964 Civil Right Act, Rand Pual wants to know.
29. Still kinda pissed Strom Thurmond didn’t give her the “freshman Senator funbag fondle.”
Less hot version of Sandra Day O’Connor, but just as naughty.
Why did you supply the answers? I was so much happier not knowing anything at all about Blanche Lincoln except her traitorous, corporatist votes. That, I thought, was all that I needed to know in political life.
Just how are we doing on food security, anyway? Since the War on Poverty (best “War on Noun,” ever), I seem to have noticed nothing but retrenchment as Food Stamps get cut back and S-CHIP programs get gutted by states, and “Welfare Reform” (love that one… “reformed” it entirely fuggin away, they did) has helped Americans disappear. Oh, and how’s that federal poverty line going? Moving with inflation or not? Yeeah.
I think I was better off with just her votes. Even the fake stuff couldn’t explain those away.
[re=593829]Geogre[/re]: You’re fascist commie Alinsky rant may be entirely correct Geogre, but how about #30?
[re=593639]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: I live there. Curl Up ‘N’ Dye has been taken over by the Pampered Pooch Salon.
I don’t care who she is. I just want her gone.
That said, number 8 (The first woman on the Moon was Rosa Parks, in Star Trek: Heroes) is blingee to my ears and Whoopi Goldberg’s hat can probably be found in an Ozark garage sale. Or should. (I get confused)
There was a Curl Up and Dye salon in Chicago, a northern suburb of Maumelle; it was my third favorite Chicago business name. Second place went to the Thai Cousin restaurant; the owner, new to the US, thought his new sign said, “Thai Cuisine,” but wisely left it alone after getting a lot of positive feedback. First place, easily, was the vintage clothing shop on Devon Avenue, heart of Chicago’s Indian and Pakistani neighborhood (yes, they co-exist there!): Whose Sari Now?
30. Was the first woman to win the best director Academy Award for her film “The Hurt Locker.”
31. Is rumored to be dating her “Twilight” co-star Robert Pattinson.
32. Only person to have appeared as characters in Star Wars and movies based on DC Comics, and Marvel Comics for the “Star Wars” prequels, “V for Vendetta,” and the upcoming film “Thor” in which she plays Jane Foster.
33. First female former SNL cast member to return to host the show, following her success in the sitcoms “Seinfeld” and “The New Adventures of Old Christine”.
33. Served as CAG aboard the Battlestars Pegasus and Galactica, and was later instrumental in helping the colonial fleet find Earth.
35. Appointed to the Senate to represent Alderaan, until the body was dissolved by the Emperor and the planet was destroyed by the Death Star. She is also secretly the sister of the last Jedi Knight, Abraham Lincoln.
36. Reportedly can turn the world on with her smile, can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile. Love is all around, no need to waste it. She can have a town, why won’t she take it? She’s gonna make it after all.
37. In a row?
38. Blanche Lincoln got her name after the little known “stir fry for peace” wars of 1974. A group of self-labeled liberal and moderate women had declared that the future of America was in “blanching the blacks, baking the whites.” As a good Arkansan, she got elected chapter head and had a vote, where the mission got changed to “blanch the blacks, tans, and whites, so all may live as one.” She was, from then on, the Lincoln of the blanched.
39. During all of her votes that are against the interests of her constituents, all of her legislation against the interest of the poor, she had her fingers crossed.
This is great posting about sex senate secrets article this is very help full for all human thanks for shearing great info student aid.
[re=593939]seoramsagar[/re]: easy for you to say!
Comments on this entry are closed.