cartoon violence

The Real Obama REVEALED

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Even though he’s been the President of the United States, literally the most famous and recognizable person on earth, for the last year and a half, and he was on TV constantly for like two years before that, and he wrote two books and so on, we don’t really know who Barack Obama is, do we? I mean, who is this character? Does he mean what he says? Can we trust him, to keep our freedoms safe? These are not racist questions to ask! That’s because birds and sex-robots aren’t “races” per se.

Most Americans are more tolerant that we usually give them credit for! For instance, if you told them that the President was not a human like you or me, but rather a majestic, almost prehistoric-looking bird, one that swoops beautifully through the air on ragged wings, across Americas inland waterways — a pelican, in other words — they’d probably look perplexed for a moment, then nod sagely and say, “Well, I guess that’s OK. Birds have contributed a lot to this great land, they’ve pulled themselves up by their wingstraps. Good for them.” But they also have their limits! If you told them that Obama was only the top half of this pelican, and that the bottom half was Joe Sestak, they would say “AAAH AAAH AAHHHH MONSTER MONSTER MONSTER” and then try to kill, it by drowning it in oil.

And yet who will run the country, now that the Obama-Sestak bird is dead? Certainly not Joe Biden, ha ha! No, the White House fortunately has a large store of Obama-robots. Unfortunately, with government inefficiency being as it is, the Obamandroids are all kept disassembled, for “easier storage.” The White House staff, being composed mostly of useless humanities majors, proved unable to piece together the cybernetic bits to create a fully functioning president, so eventually the half-built metal beast had to brush them aside and finish the job itself.

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As scientists and observers of mankind’s fallen nature had long feared, the advanced Obama-bot, a miracle of modern science, was of course immediately put to use for depraved purposes, as a walking, talking sex toy. The first to avail themselves of its erotic services were angry teabaggers, thrilled to have at last found someone to help them live out their fantasies as S&M bottoms. “Plug my hole, daddy!” they shouted. “For the love of God, plug it, I’m begging you!” Robot Obama was not programmed with emotions, yet it still was saddened by their desperate advances.

What, in the end, was there left for America’s government to do, to win back the hearts of a cynical people? Let’s see, what do Americans hate more than anything, we’ll just get rid of that — wait a minute, death! The Obama administration resolved to actually deport Death like a common Mexican, back to its own personal Mexico (i.e., Hades, the Underworld, Sheol, what have you). With Death out of the way, Americans could continue to engage in all their favorite pathetic activities — smoking, boozing, killing the pain with drugs, refusing to engage in physical activity of any kind, eating sandwiches where the bread is replaced by fried meat — free of consequences. Of course, with the population immortal, the country would quickly fill up with people — that is, if the aforementioned activities hadn’t also rendered the eternal Americans sterile and/or too slothful for procreation. Win-win!

Meanwhile, Rod Blagojevich, having nothing else to lose, is just spending most of his trial shitting on himself.

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

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45 comments

  1. Mr Blifil

    Pelecanus Obamasestakoccis is an abomination to all good faith attempts to fuck with the human genome and deserves oily death + impeachment.

  2. norbizness

    Does anyone doubt that if one were to actually converse with Mike Ramirez, you’d want to punch him in the face in less than 10 seconds?

  3. Lazy Media

    Re: Glenn McCoy and the Blagocoprophilia cartoon: What? What?! WTF is this nutjob going on about?

  4. steverino247

    The idea is to pin Obama to the BP spill (which the Feds lack any concrete knowledge of how to fix because the Feds aren’t in the oil business) so he will look as ineffective as Jimmy Carter when he tried to solve the Iran hostage crisis (which he could not do because Republican cocksuckers were secretly negotiating with Iran behind his back to keep the “crisis” on the front page). If Obama takes on too much responsibility for this spill, he will be toast. He needs to manage what he can (clean up, investigate what happened so as to prevent it, etc.) and pressure BP to stop the spill faster than they are able or willing.

  5. freakishlystrong

    Normally, I look forward to Friday cartoon hi jinks. These just depressed the shit out of me. What passes for wingnut humor is really viscous and de-humanizing. Hateful assholes all.

  6. Fuck Toad

    [re=591497]Lazy Media[/re]: I think Glenn McCoy thinks that Blago has all kinds of juicy stories about mob gangster stuff that he and Obama did together, with terrorist Bill Ayers, in Chicago.

  7. Maxine of Arc

    [re=591514]freakishlystrong[/re]: You’d prefer their humor to be thin and runny?

  8. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=591494]norbizness[/re]: A former roommate of ours was friends with Ramirez when he lived here in Memphis. So yes, I’ve had opportunities to converse with him, even going so far as to call him a homophobic asshole on more than one occasion. No face punching, sadly, though I wouldn’t be at all surprised if somebody else hasn’t at least tried.

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Ha — Americans will never be too slothful for procreation. They’re too slothful for sex, and they’re too slothful for child-rearing, but they’ll pay zillions every year for artificial insemination so they can have the little things they’ll be ignoring for the rest of their lives.

  10. CapnFatback

    “Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?”

    If I had an elementary-school child locked up in my basement for every time I heard that question . . .

  11. widget09

    The “protester” one gets me. A morbidly obese woman, who hates the government, and basically wants to ‘drown the government in a bathtub’ wondering why uncle sugar “daddy” has’t plugged the hole yet, or her hole yet. I think the only hole needing to be plugged is her pie-hole.

  12. JMP

    [re=591497]Lazy Media[/re]: Apparently McCoy thinks the trial will somehow reveal embarrassing info on Obama for some reason. Because they’re in the same party, maybe? It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

  13. JMP

    I also don’t get the Obama-robot cartoon. Obama has to reassemble himself because of what? Normally these cartoons get ridiculous with over-labeling figures, but that needs a little bit more info because as it is it’s just confusing.

  14. SayItWithWookies

    [re=591548]JMP[/re]: It’s because they’re in Chicago and they’re politicians — thus they all know each other and are all equally entangled in some horrible plot. It’ll be Whitewater all over again. Of course, this puts McCoy in the dubious position of believing Blago, but any good Republican will be able to work around that little inconvenience.

  15. Way Cool Larry

    [re=591552]JMP[/re]: agree, that one is the least coherent of a bunch of incoherent cartoons.

  16. freakishlystrong

    [re=591552]JMP[/re]: HIS MONARCHY IS FALLING APART AND HE HASN’T SHOWN SUFFICIENT HYSTERIA, HE IS A ROBOT!!1 Or something.

  17. Real DC Native

    Between these “cartoons” and Mr. Raghead SC the take-away is that conservative wingtards cannot do the humor thing successfully.

  18. JMP

    [re=591566]Way Cool Larry[/re]: At least with most of the others, one can tell what the point is. Most of the points are completely wrong and contradicted by actual facts, as anyone with the barest bit of knowledge on the covered subjects could tell, but at least they have clear points.

  19. Larry McAwful

    [re=591497]Lazy Media[/re]: I think he wants to see Obama and Blagojevich having sex with each other. He must be some kind of Illinoisophile, or something. I don’t judge.

  20. ThisIsNotAnAvatar

    My funny bone just wilted. My humor is a sack of petrol hanging where my truck nutz useta be.

  21. lumpenprole

    Obama’s reassembling himself like the Iron Giant. He needs the instructions cuz he was built in Kenya by some sort of socialist committee of witchdoctors instead of falling to earth.

  22. Snarkalicious

    It occurs to me, looking at that bullshit death cartoon, that there will be a huge spike in demand for white drug mules in the near future. Toboganes verdes, putas!

  23. DirtyHarriett

    [re=591515]BeaverFallsBob[/re]: Off topic, but are you from Beaver Falls, PA? I’m from Bridgewater……

  24. I_KILL_ZOMBIES_ALSO

    God I love the teabagger cartoon. I want to tattoo it on my knuckles so that when every single one of these teabagging assholes screaming for the Fed to do something about the spill gets punched in the face by me, they’ll know exactly why.

  25. dr.giraud

    Fucking McCoy can’t even draw Blago’s hair with the appropriate fluffiness. Dipshit.

  26. Maus

    [re=591515]BeaverFallsBob[/re]: Sup BrickOvenBob, are you on those antipsychotics we suggested yet?

  27. Cape Clod

    [re=591552]JMP[/re]: I agree but let’s just dismiss it. It seems that the acme of wingnut humor is photoshopping watermelons on the White House lawn.

  28. gurukalehuru

    The Sestak thing is like the teleprompter thing, the unprecedented use of the word unprecedented, or the whole birth certificate thing.
    Hey, pigfuckers! You’ve got no case. No laws were broken. Nothing was done that isn’t done all the time. Eat shit.
    And the absolute proof that right wingers have no sense of humor is that they make Sestak jokes without any Sleestak images at all.

  29. Baby who ate the Dingo

    This is all unfunny, except the thin and runny comment, which reminds me of the Diarrhea Song, sung to the tune of the Diarrhea Song:

    Diarrhea Diarrhea
    Some people think its funny
    But it’s really thin and runny
    Diarrhea Diarrhea

    Diarrhea Diarrhea
    No pain, no strain
    Just sit and let it drain
    Diarrhea Diarrhea

    Diarrhea Diarrhea
    Hear the whistle hear the train
    Here come-a chocolate choo choo train
    Diarrhea Diarrhea

    Funnier than a wingnut except when they dress to go outside.

  30. mercure

    I take the Obamabot cartoon to be an expression of fright/awe at your (’cause I’m Canadian) indestructible Kenyan juggernaut overlord. The cartoonist has obviously bought into the hype that Obama is a superior life form who can simply reconstruct himself after any mishap, a self-repairing Terminator, if you will – certainly a scary thought for a big proportion of the US population…

  31. legalize everything

    Death’s “Drug Cartels” vanity plate is not written in Old English font. FRACASA.

  32. jillnottumblin

    When I read about the “majestic” bird, “one that swoops beautifully through the air on ragged wings,” I slipped into a trance-like state and heard this song…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubjgisuitDw, by John Ashcroft.

    And then, I realized, I guess I’ve been asleep since July 2008. What’s been going on? Is McCain president or is Sarah Palin? Did Barack Obama get elected? Have we finally overcome racism? I’m an optimist. The answer is yes, right?

    It’s mornin’ in America all over again.

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