fake like a beast

Gores Faked Their Marriage So Hard, Says This One Website

Baby, sweet baby, Kiss me hard ....Did you really believe that Al and Tipper Gore were full-on IN LURVE during those 40 long years of marital blissin’ and kissin’? Well boy howdy, they sure got one over on you, says a new investigative opinion piece published by Eyewitness AOL.com. Hm, how did AOL News discover that the Gores were sham-married all this time?

The masterful news-scoopin’ was the work of “retired USA Today White House correspondent and columnist” Richard Benedetto, who has been reporting on politics and government for about as long as the Gores have been married. This means he has literally grown old with them and knows their deepest thoughts and feelings. Also, he teaches journalism and political science at American University and Georgetown, so he has every reason to believe his research into the Gores’ marriage is accurate.

Benedetto says the Gores “worked so hard to project a public image of the perfect couple in a perfect marriage,” and that this was all lies, terrible lies, just like global warming and Al Gore’s Internet:

[T]here were clues all along that the storybook image might not have been quite as advertised. The biggest clue was that they seemed to be overdoing it. Good marriages just are. You don’t have to keep talking about how good yours is. But somehow, we fell for it anyway.

“Clues” include being too enthusiastic about how “cool” Tipper was — not possible, given her intolerance for the 1980s metal band W.A.S.P. — and the whole kissing thing in front of large groups of people. Also, Benedetto has no idea what Tipper ever saw in Al; therefore, they hated each other bad.

Benedetto wonders why nobody ever suspected that the Gores were pretending to love each other for so long:

It was probably because in those days [the 2000 presidential campaign] we thought it was too risky to speculate on personal stuff without evidence. Everything is different now.

That’s true: now anyone can speculate freely about anything on the Internet and it might show up on Google News. This is what Al Gore intended when he invented blogs and climate change, 40 years ago. [AOLNews.com]

About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple
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89 comments

  1. Geogre

    Ooh, I remember the year 2000, when there was never any personal speculation at all.

    I remember how there was no personal speculation about John McCain in the primaries, how there was no speculation about Gore “lying,” how there was no personal derision, how speculation was simply not done way, way, way back then. In fact, “partisanship” and “rancor” and “speculation” were invented, what, in 2008? Yeah. That sounds right.

  2. betweenstations

    Maybe she loved him for his chin, which has definitely been retreating in recent years. Has Bendetto considered that?

  3. Edsdesk

    I’ve had guys kiss me like that in bars too. total strangers who just wanted me for my political viability factor.

  4. harry palmer

    Yes, in 2000, at the end of the Clinton era, speculating about a politician’s private life was never dreamed of. Especially without evidence.

  5. Terry

    Why divorce after 40 years unless there was some screwing around going on? Are you pretty much used to each other’s quirks by your fourth decade of marriage?

  6. Serolf Divad

    Dude… everything after the first year is always a sham. Ask any married couple. 99.9% of married couples stay together “for the kids.” And by the time the kids are grown and gone, those couples that do stay together do so for the same reason that some convicts with long sentences ask to remain in prison after serving their time: they,re been out of the game so long and the world outside has changed so much they have no idea how they’d cope as singles.

  7. hiphophitler

    So they just rented all those kids? I knew those blonde chicks were too good to be for real.

  8. harry palmer

    Although in that picture it does look like Tipper is lying back and thiking of England.

  9. plowman

    I hope Tipper takes some time for herself before dating again, the rebound disaster after 40 years of sham might be epic…

  10. actor212

    Apart from the last line “what she saw in him”, I’m still waiting for Benedetto to come up with SOME evidence that the marriage was clinging like a dungbeetle to a turd on a raging river.

    All marriages have rough patches and lets face facts: with what the Gores went thru, right up and including the 2000 election, it astounds me they lasted this long. It’s not a sham, that much is clear from the empirical evidence.

    Nothing to see here, folks, move along, move along.

    Anybody got Tipper’s phone number? I’m hoping I can console her, and bring her back to her party girl ways…

  11. actor212

    Did anybody else get the sense from the article that ol’ Dickie B. wished it was his wick Tipper was lighting up?

  12. Brick Oven Bill

    AOL has it all wrong, as usual. The truth is that Al has been having a secret gay affair with David Blood, his business partner in Generations Investment, Limited Liability Corporation, your friendly purveyor of carbon credits. Tipper found out about this and wigged out worse than when she heard those Twisted Sister lyrics.

    Al’s partner Dave, you know, the guy from Goldman Sachs, the company, you know, that would take a 20% cut on the brokerage of all American energy, is really the reason for this tragic breakup. Not like there is anything wrong with being gay.

  13. tencentcomic

    Richard finished typing his insightful interpretation of the Gores. Then he unzipped, resurrected his old friend for the next news scoop and got back to the business at hand.

  14. ManchuCandidate

    By that logic then Tom Cruise and Katy Holmes’ marriage is a sham and that Tom Cruise might like the laddies. Nah…

  15. Whitey Did Katrina

    [re=591240]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: Makes sense. I always got the feeling that Gore hated bush. Why else was always trying to lock the box? Now that’s an ‘inconvenient truth’!

    Aaaaaaand… I’m spent.

  16. JMP

    Why, of course there was no speculation over politician’s private lives in 2000; there certainly were no media talking heads endlessly discussing that very kiss, over and over and over again, to the point where it very quickly became tiresome, and unjustifiably turned some people off from Gore even though it was the media running the whole thing into the ground and not him.

  17. Katydid

    If Al Gore really cared about the environment, and America, he would have treated Tipper like shit, to reflect his true feelings as divined by someone outside of the marriage. Don’t you get it people???

    Rampant speculation without a shred of evidence is fine as long as it’s relevant to today’s pressing issues, such as the oil spill, the economy, the midterm elections, etc. I feel confident in this author, because the headline clearly shows the lack of bias in the piece, so it much be true: “Opinion: Did Al Gore Invent His Marriage Too?”

  18. JMP

    [re=591227]hiphophitler[/re]: The Gore girls were smoking hot, as were Kerry’s. If only we had gotten media coverage of them for eight years. Well, at least one of Bush’s girls looked good.

  19. Katydid

    Seriously, though, the author really shouldn’t FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP in public like this. It’s unbecoming. And does he show proper love for his wife by slapping her around, like a real man should?

  20. Cape Clod

    I hope he turns his attention next to that sham union the Obamas are pretending to have.

  21. WadISay

    [re=591239]actor212[/re]:

    During the friendly exchange, she cracked a joke. As we all broke into laughter, she playfully nudged me in the ribs and gave me a wink and an impish smile…

    …and, apparently, a raging boner.

  22. magic titty

    Ok. Someone tell me why this guy cares whether their marriage was good or not. Why does this matter to him?

  23. V572625694

    [re=591225]Terry[/re]: Oh you Youngs and your inability to imagine the life of the Olds: marriage doesn’t get easier after thirty or forty years. It gets harder. Deal with it.

  24. Katydid

    [re=591265]magic titty[/re]: The “author” “cares” about the Gores’ “marriage” because it’s so goddammed “relevant” to the problems in “America” today. Get with it, titty. Plus, I’ve missed you. Where ya been?

  25. Roger Williams hates your ways

    Lauri I just want you to know your FAKE LIKE A BEAST didn’t go unappreciated. I laff’d.

  26. harry palmer

    [re=591249]Katydid[/re]: For some reason being reminded of the sludge the media is always bathing us in is not increasing my merriment today. Yes, there was hankypanky outside the Gore’s marriage – he was getting fucked by every slut around, not least by the Gray Lady.

  27. TGY

    Funny how Fail becomes amazing visible after it, well, fails. The Gore’s marriage. Joe Liberman. Things like that. Then again, A NOBEL PRIZE WASN’T ENOUGH FOR YOU, TIPPERTITS???

  28. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=591267]V572625694[/re]: I was just saying to my sister, better to be old and single than married and fucking miserable for the rest of your life.

    However, it’s easier for rich people to divorce at that age, so I can see why most people stick it out until that goddamn asshole/bitch kicks the bucket.

  29. magic titty

    [re=591273]Katydid[/re]: Just wait ’til he hears that Michael and Juanita Jordan have been “seeing other people.”

    Anywho, yeah, I’ve been delinquent lately. I wish I could say I was off helping Rand Paul get elected in Kentucky, for comedy, but I wasn’t doing anything that exciting or world-changing. But I missed you all too!

  30. x111e7thst

    [re=591225]Terry[/re]: I think the phrase you are looking for is bored spitless. For some reason this is often mistaken for contentment.

  31. Iam

    [re=591267]V572625694[/re]: Aw, hell, I’m on the cusp of 30 years, and damn if I didn’t think I was on the downhill side of things. Julian-crackers, this sucks, you’re tellling me it gets harder? WTF. I’m thinking this must be how this shit happens, it’s all happy-go-lucky and life is sweet, til someone tells you it’s not, and then you’re screwed. 40 years, your youth, your looks, your libido gone, and some fricking poster tells you it’s a sham. Thanks alot guys.

  32. TGY

    [re=591267]V572625694[/re]: Indeed, the young fail to imagine many things about life. Like hemorrhoids, for instance.

  33. Mustang

    [re=591291]x111e7thst[/re]: That’s why you better marry someboy you think is pretty fun outside of sexy time. If you want it to last, that is.

  34. harry palmer

    [re=591294]Iam[/re]: “40 years, your youth, your looks, your libido gone”

    Hey, if your youth and looks are gone, it’s a blessing that your libido is too.

  35. actor212

    [re=591264]WadISay[/re]: OK, so it’s not just me.

    *WHEW*

    Cuz my Xanax is running low, and I’m thinking of going off them.

  36. x111e7thst

    [re=591296]Mustang[/re]: As John Waters would say “That’s what friends are for”.

  37. Prommie

    [re=591240]Brick Oven Bill[/re]: I’ve been looking into this “carbon credits” thing, and I must say, its the greatest invention since that beautiful cloth, that incredibly beautiful, luxurious fabric, that they made the emporer’s new clothes out of.

    My understanding is, that if I am a carbon emitter, if I promise not to emit some carbon, I can magically turn the carbon I don’t emit into a “carbon credit,” which I can sell to someone else, who can use it to offset his or her carbon emissions, so that they can then just feel better about themselves (so ultimately, the point is that its a self-esteem builder).

    Well, this is just genius, and I am now announcing, right here and now, Wonketteers, that I am in the carbon credit business. You see, I have been planning to make a nationwide tour of America’s national forests this summer, and I was going to set arson fires everywhere I went. I was going to emit a fucking fuckload of carbon. But I have decided instead to convert all those arson-forest-fire carbon emissions into carbon credits. Come and get em, hot, steaming carbon credits, save the environment, prevent global warming, and save the National Forests, buy my hot steaming carbon credits!

  38. actor212

    [re=591294]Iam[/re]: 40 years, your youth, your looks, your libido gone, and some fricking poster tells you it’s a sham. Thanks alot guys.

    Look, you’re only as young as you (cop a) feel, K? He’ll buy a Maserati, date Lindsay Lohan as a publicity stunt…escorting her to the premiere of her bio-pic on Linda Lovelace (true story), then get a DUI, attend rehab, and have a turn on Oprah, or better still, a Babba Wawa special where he breaks the stick up his ass and starts crying about how he failed Tipper and how he gets it now, and she’ll take him back and then she’ll finally get a part in his show at the Tropicana while he plays the conga drums singing Baba–wait, what?

    I told you. My Xanax is running out…

  39. actor212

    [re=591307]Prommie[/re]: See, that only works if you produce less carbon than the average serial arsonist in the national forests…it’s not based on your potential carbon production but in arrears to your actual carbon production.

    So what you need to do is to persuade everyone around you to light ‘em up.

  40. Terry

    [re=591226]Serolf Divad[/re]:

    Please don’t bum me out like this. Say something about lifelong companionship, lust turning into love and respect, something.

  41. Katydid

    [re=591307]Prommie[/re]: Fuck it all, that’s how I thought it worked, and then figured I was missing something. What kinds of minds can think of these things?

  42. JMP

    [re=591267]V572625694[/re]: [re=591226]Serolf Divad[/re]: Somehow reading this makes being alone seem a little easier.

  43. Iam

    [re=591300]harry palmer[/re]: [re=591308]actor212[/re]: “40 years, your youth, your looks, your libido gone, and some fricking poster tells you it’s a sham. Thanks alot guys.”

    Thanks for centering the glare of the sun through the magnifying glass onto that bit. I hope Tipper reads this and feels better.

    So where exactly do I get this Xanax that you speak so fondly of?

  44. actor212

    [re=591346]Iam[/re]: Well, it’s a prescription medicine, altho I’m told…not that I have much experience, mind you, at least not since my probation was handed down…I’m told there are several doctors who, for a small co-payment, will provide limited quantities which you can divvy up and sell half to support my, I mean your crack addiction.

    Again, I don’t *know* this for a fact. I hear things, you see.

  45. Mr Blifil

    My wife says Gore must be boinking Laurie David. I am inclined to agree, if only to take suspicion off for perhaps desiring to boink Laurie David myself.

  46. King of the Dipshits

    Given Tipper’s well known prudishness it seems totally predictable that she is now mired in a not-having-sex scandal.

  47. Malketeer

    Swell. Now that these two are breaking up it’ll be the last time this is relevant:

    I got the hots for tipper G
    Dogpile with the PMRC!
    Take me down on the senate floor
    Do me like a sen-a-tor!

    From the punk band we had in high school. Or maybe it was graduate school.

    Whatever. Fuck you Al Gore. I was happy as a lurker here and you outed me.

  48. Prommie

    Is sad truth, when there is divorce, there is always boinking. Always. Not being in love does not make people divorce. Loving someone else, is always what makes people divorce.

  49. Prommie

    And oh hey, any of you still kicking yourself for not buying Google back when they did their IPO? Well, here’s your chance to make up for it by getting on the ground floor of the next great investment opportunity, I still have some of my hot, steaming carbon credits, but you better hurry, they’re going fast.

  50. Fresh

    “It was probably because in those days [the 2000 presidential campaign] we thought it was too risky to speculate on personal stuff without evidence. Everything is different now.”

    This clown TEACHES “journalism”? Wow.

  51. gurukalehuru

    Richard Benedetto must have slept through the year 2000.

    reminds me of Principal Skinner: “Well, you know, New Orleans isn’t really a party town.”

    and, “Benedetto, hell, I brokedetto!”

    that’s all I’ve got

  52. commiegirl

    Oh, good, Al Gore’s still “intimating, incorrectly,” that Love Story was based on him and Tipper, and “getting in hot water” for claiming to help create the Internet.

    Fuck this guy. I teach journalism and politics too — or I did until the University of California came down with a raging case of no-budget-for-lecturers –and my students were indoctrinated into Marxism, as is proper, not handed a bunch of Tucker Carlson-approved bullshit. Hey, Tucker Carlson. What happened to that guy?

  53. Ripley_in_CT

    Wait. The internet is a lie? Then what the hell have I been wasting my time on these last many years? Is this some kind of alternate universe or something? Who are you people? And where are my underwear?

  54. chaste everywhere

    [re=591409]bored with gravity[/re]: Right you are! (S.Luggo: Win.)
    Wait, does that mean this Reply is actually to S. Luggo? Etiquette eludes me.

    [re=591428]gurukalehuru[/re]: Hey, no “that’s all I’ve got” needed–any quote from Buffy makes my morning.

  55. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=591296]Mustang[/re]: That’s why you better marry someboy you think is pretty fun outside of sexy time. If you want it to last, that is.

    Personally, I found it also helps to have a hobby. That way, if your life partner is cutting back on the sexytime, you still have something fun to do with your time, and in that way, are somewhat fulfilled.

    That’s why I paint, build guitars, snow ski, water ski, sail, bike, restore old cars, play tennis, race vintage motorcycles and am writing a series of historical/adventure novels based on my town’s history.

    I’m thinking either surfing or rock climbing is next.

  56. arewethereyet

    [re=591296]Mustang[/re]: Wise words for the youngs….i’m going thru this shit right now, 35 years, she wants Paris and i want the moon.

  57. Redhead

    AOL News probably got all their facts from one of those forward chain letter e-mails, you know the ones, “Obama is a voodoo priestess muslin commienazisocialistfacistdictatorlion and if you don’t forward this to 10 people in 2 hours he will come eat your children and your dog, unless you have a black dog, because Obama’s racist.” The kind that all the oldz and the bitterz forward from their AOL accounts.

    We have truly come full circle.

  58. populucious

    After reading that incisive bit of reportage I am now firmly convinced that Richard Benedetto’s reasoning proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has the hots for Tipper Gore.

  59. Hooray For Anything

    [re=591357]Mr Blifil[/re]: Yeah, either Laurie David (which would be kind of fun if only for the stuff Larry David could milk on Curb) or Sheryl Crow. If not those two, some 24 year old blond VP of Marketing at Current TV or something other dot.comm-y type place here in the Bay– he’s too nerdy for the blond Hollywood bimbo type.

  60. sezme

    It wasn’t that “somehow, we fell for it”; it’s that nobody gave a rat’s ass about the state of the Gore’s marriage, apart from the overt creepiness of their PDAs. Meanwhile the tabloids have been predicting the end of George and Laura for a good long time now, but again … does anyone really care?

  61. GOPCrusher

    [re=591267]V572625694[/re]: I, for one, long for the sweet peace that death will bring.

  62. jus_wonderin

    I know someone has posted this comment but I just can’t read through them all today. I have a drink at lunch. Sorry.

    So, Al is losing his “lock box”?

  63. marioninnyc

    [re=591357]Mr Blifil[/re]: Well wait, didn’t Larry David leave her for someone else? So she gets Al Gore instead. That’s quite an upgrade. Go Laurie!

  64. zhubajie

    “reminds me of Principal Skinner: ‘Well, you know, New Orleans isn’t really a party town.’”

    Compared to what? Bangkok?

  65. Jukesgrrl

    [re=591442]commiegirl[/re]: “Hey, Tucker Carlson. What happened to that guy?”

    MSNBC counted up Pat Buchanan’s lies and found he is fulfilling their required total amount all by himself, so there was no more need for Carlson, who always was just a pale imitation of Pat’s sister Bay.

  66. Common-Tater

    Ah….the year 2000, it was a simpler time…when an ice cream soda cost a nickel at the general store, when children could play in the street without fear of cars, and when no one ever talked out their ass….

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