it's father's day and everybody's wounded

Remind Your Dad Why He Sucks With This Ronald Reagan Father’s Day Outrage

Facts are stupid things.
Is your dad an angry old wingnut? Is he also still alive? Well here is a gift for the upcoming “thing after Mother’s Day” occasion, “Father’s Day.” It’s from NewsMax, the great online Internet webzine/old-people newsletter that will soon own Newsweek if the Kaplan School Testing Company is run by people with a sense of the absurd. And nothing says, “Dad, you are a cold, dumb jerk” like giving him a six-year-old copy of the NewsMax newsletter with the cover story by Michael “Reagan,” the unwanted adopted doorstop that Nancy and Ronnie somehow wound up with, following a hilarious mishap while trying to order some Harry & David baskets for their lawyers.

So what did Michael Reagan learn from his distant, disinterested adopted dad during the few times the two encountered each other, probably with a Mexican nanny crying between them?

Michael Reagan tells readers that the greatest lessons he learned from his father were not from what he said, but from what he did. And those were lessons of humility, dignity, forgiveness, determination, persistence, and resignation to the will of God.

Michael’s wide-ranging story recalls his childhood with Reagan, the president’s victory in the Cold War, his election campaigns, his near death at the hands of John Hinckley, his final days in the grips of Alzheimer’s disease … and much more.

So, yeah, the Gipper never spoke to this poor guy at all, but that’s what made a Dad a real Dick back in the good old days when the Soviet Union had the balls to just cold nuke its oil wells. Is there a single child today who does not weep for the Soviet Union?

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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70 comments

  1. memzilla

    Good Lord, why don’t these leaderless conservatard deification-needing wingnuts just dig his carcass up and screw the bolts into his neck already. Reaganstein!

  2. comicbookguy

    Reagan wouldn’t have nuked the oil well. He would have traded it to Iran. I hope NRO is reading this.

    Top wonkette comment gets this issue Newsmax. As a constant reminder of greatness.

  3. Crank Tango

    Shit my Union thug dad listens to Rush just to get angry when he works out, but I dunno what good this would do.
    Maybe to give him hemorroids as he takes angry shits and wipes his ass with it? Sounds like a waste of good shit to me.

  4. Aflac Shrugged

    What do you get the father who has everything?

    I mean, everything but acknowledgment of his adopted son’s sexuality? Everything but that?

  5. SayItWithWookies

    1. Stand on the mark.
    2. Read the cue cards.
    3. If there’s something you don’t know, make up a dramatic and heartwarming story.
    4. Just shut about the beatings — the constant, random, terrifying beatings. Spurred by apparently nothing, the mere recollection of which brings back the sense of fear as a pleasant family moment suddenly turns into a white-knuckle ordeal as an enraged monster bends over your face, screaming some sort of incoherent question and demanding an answer. Say yes? Say no? What the hell does it want? What will make it go away? Will it be the belt this time, or just a couple of switches from the yard? Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit.

  6. Snarkalicious

    “Only hire fall-guys who have their own fall guys.”

    “Go to Hollywood. Once you’ve been in a few moving pictures, the rabble will believe anything you say.”

    “Keep a large stock of muriatic acid on hand for the more fragile hookers.”

    Oh, sorry…that last one was probably Liddy.

  7. Gratuitous World

    Tear Down This Wall! So I have room for to install your new Iron Lung.

    Happy Fathers’ Day, Dad!

  8. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=590979]Tommmcatt[/re]: Yes, isn’t it odd how Ronnie Jr. & Patti (who wouldn’t even use her real last name) both ended up pretty damn sane? Now sure what happened with Mikey–maybe the Mexican nanny used to drop him on his head since he wasn’t, you know–a REAL Reagan.

  9. RoscoePColtraine

    Dad worked his ass off 40 hours a week to keep a roof over our head, food on our table, and clothes on our back. He saved and did without stuff so that we could go to college. He sacrificed his Saturdays to cart our ass around town to scout meetings and little league.

    “Here, Dad. It’s a magazine that hit the stands about six years ago. It has some article about Ronald Reagan and one of his sons [the GOOD one] and how they had this ‘bond.’ I know you’re not too sentimental, Dad, but Happy Fathers Day anyway.”

  10. JohnnyMeatworth

    [re=590982]SayItWithWookies[/re]:

    5. When in doubt, eat jellybeans

    6. There is no shame in playing second banana to a monkey.

  11. Texan Bulldoggette

    Why does Ronald seem 80 years old while he’s holding his young son, Mikey, just like the Walnuts/Meagan McCain book? Didn’t these kids ever see their dads before they were 70 years old?

  12. Slattenpat

    Wait… is this the Ballerina Son or the Warpig Son?

    (checking wikipedia)

    At his high school graduation, his adoptive father introduced himself by saying, “My name is Ronald Reagan. What’s yours?”. He replied, “I’m your son, Mike.

    Ouch.

  13. ManchuCandidate

    Sure my dad and I didn’t always get along, but I don’t hate him. I’d rather give him a box of my own feces and a card that read “Happy Fathers day, Asshole Fuck you very much dad, Dad” than get him that Newzmax (sic) crap.

  14. chascates

    At his high school graduation, his adoptive father introduced himself by saying, “My name is Ronald Reagan. What’s yours?”. He replied, “I’m your son, Mike.”

  15. slappypaddy

    july 2004? is that the best they can do? have they no shame? no sense of embarrassment? nothing else with which they can turn a profit? how about tins of fresh gulf oil, for the slicked-back look that made the gipper the greatest president ever? they could sell them for $5.99 and make a killing.

  16. you cannot be serious

    My dad is dead but I will buy this and burn it and mingle it with his ashes. For Jesus.

  17. mamandesfilles

    Excuse me, but some of us have wingnut parents that we have to buy gifts for… this is perfect!

  18. you didn't ask, but

    [re=590988]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Well, I guess we’re gonna have to give Nance some credit: she seemed to really love ol’ Ron and was able to supercede rw politics for the fam (astrology, stem cell research) so maybe that’s why the sanity dna got through to lil Ron n Pat.

  19. Serolf Divad

    Seriously, Michael Reagan’s seeming adoration of a dick father who didn’t even recognize his own son at his high-school graduation is one of the most pathetic stories in the land of Ronald Reagan gay love.

  20. Slattenpat

    [re=591006]chascates[/re]: Today, we are all Alzheimer’s disease suffering monkey wranglers…

  21. Bearbloke

    [re=590978]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: [re=590979]Tommmcatt[/re]: “his adopted son’s sexuality?”

    Has Michael, the mistakenly adopted Fake-son finally officially outed himself as a ReThuglikkkan Zombie-Reagan-humping necrophiliac and Limbaugh-licking Pig-fucker? Long overdue, I say…

  22. Bearbloke

    [re=591013]mamandesfilles[/re]: Perhaps an arsenic-enhanced bottle of gin for your dad?

  23. user-of-owls

    [re=591000]Slattenpat[/re]: [re=591004]chascates[/re]: Filthy liberal spin monsters. You didn’t even mention that the President, peace be upon him, remembered his OWN name, did you?!

  24. Bearbloke

    [re=591004]chascates[/re]: Reagan: “My son is named Ron Jr, young man – you’re just a bet I lost to Roy Cohn, your real father.”

  25. CthuNHu

    [re=590982]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Kinda explains Mark Sanford’s susceptibility to fleeing to another woman’s arms, doesn’t it?

    Makes you wonder why George H. W. Bush never hit the Appalachian Trail for good, too. Well, besides his being way more of an amoral power-craving SOB than Sanford ever was. And way more of a wuss.

  26. thehelveticascenario

    Has anyone ever told Newsmax that there are other fonts to use in their advertisements than the ones that came with Windows?

  27. steverino247

    I was once on a radio talk show hosted by Michael Reagan to “balance” the guest who was a faith healer in town to fleece the weak and stupid. Reagan was a dick on and off the air, but I was able to amuse him with my questions for the faith healer. Such as:

    “Why are there no faith-healing dentists? Why don’t you come over here and straighten a couple of my teeth because I don’t have the time or money for adult orthodontia?”

    “Why is your stock in trade the old “one leg is shorter than the other” deal and not some other body parts? I’ve got some bones out of place from an old accident. Come over here and straighten that out, will ya?”

    The more Reagan grinned at me, the more I wanted to smack the shit out of him. I don’t know which one I wanted to hit more. He’s got nothing but the name, trust me on that.

  28. Slattenpat

    [re=591021]user-of-owls[/re]: Well, to be fair, Reagan even gave his own wife the placeholder nickname “Mommy,” so I’m not surprised that he can’t remember the name of the illegitimate bastard he picked out of a catalogue.

  29. Joey Ratz

    [re=591023]Bearbloke[/re]:

    …After leaving McCarthy, Cohn had a 30-year career as an attorney in New York City. His clients included Donald Trump, Mafia figures Tony Salerno, Carmine Galante and John Gotti, Studio 54 owners Steve Rubell and Ian Schrager, the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of New York, and the New York Yankees baseball club…

    What a great guy!

  30. Jim89048

    [re=590978]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: Wrong son. It’s Ron Jr. that has teh ghey and ballet slippers. Michael just has a dick in his ass.

  31. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Given that Michael Reagan’s entire career has consisted of living off of his father’s coattails and whining about how his father ignored him, this has to be a great book.

    [re=590996]JohnnyMeatworth[/re]:

    7. Declare Soviet Union illegal.

    8. Begin Bombing in 20 minutes.

    9. Repeat.

  32. Oldskool

    Dear old Dad is knee-deep in Glenn Beck’s brilliance BUT, I could use a roadmap for my own pending dementia and that looks like the ticket.

  33. Hemp Dogbane

    [re=591000]Slattenpat[/re]: [re=591004]chascates[/re]: [re=591015]Serolf Divad[/re]: He replied “I’m your son, Mike.” Reagan: “There you go again…”

  34. Scaggsville guy

    I remember watching Reagan’s funeral on TV, and there was a shot of Nancy standing next the coffin with HER children, Nancy and Ronnie, on either side, and poor Michael came up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder, and she recoiled.

    So I thought, well maybe he just startled her, but she turned around, looked at him, did not say a word or give any facial expression, just turned back around and stared at the coffin, while Michael stood there humiliated on TV.

    Coldest thing I’ve ever seen.

  35. the problem child

    Thanks, but I think my dad would prefer it if I just sent him this article. Much more his style. Fart jokes, also.

  36. Lascauxcaveman

    If my kids gave me this for Father’s Day I’d smack ‘em.

    No, not really. They are old enough to know about “gag gifts” and they both have pretty funny senses of humor, so I’d assume that’s what’s up. But seriously, I hate the the whole idea of this Hallmark Holiday – almost as bogus as “Grandparents Day” or something. Just stupid made up shit. Get me a decent bottle of Scotch if you feel like buying something. Or wash my car. I have enough ugly ties already, thank you.

  37. lawrenceofthedesert

    There is a good song about Father’s Day, penned by Harry Ruby and Groucho Marx, with lines like, “According to our mother, you’re our father, and that’s good enough for us.”

    It’s surprising that there isn’t much hubbub about Grandparents Day, when they are the source of wonderful unconditional love, but not slightly shocking that there isn’t a Siblings Day — the booze consumption would be up there with Halloween and St. Patrick’s Day. I think that there should be a National Dog & Cat Day, with competing pets on the same day; this would be the perfect psychological substitute for Siblings Day.

  38. S.Luggo

    Michael Reagan and senile daddy-luv.

    Needs more simalcrum.

    And moist, Pima cotton towels, also.

    Mock, but I post this in a good way.

  39. southern mark smith

    I am thankful for those items that you sent me–
    The monkey and the plywood violin…

  40. ThisIsNotAnAvatar

    Another stunning illustration of the success of propaganda, which has considerable import for the future, is the cult of the great killer and torturer Ronald Reagan, one of the grand criminals of the modern era, who also—he also had an unerring instinct for favoring the most brutal terrorists and murderers around the world, from Zia-ul-Haq and Gulbuddin Hekmatyar in what’s now called AfPak to the most dedicated killers in Central America to the South African racists who killed an estimated 1.5 million people in the Reagan years and had to be supported because they were under attack by Nelson Mandela’s African National Congress, one of “more notorious terrorist groups” in the world, the Reaganites determined in 1988. And on and on, with remarkable consistency. Now, his grisly record was quickly expunged in favor of mythic constructions that would have impressed Kim Il-sung. Among other feats, he was anointed as the apostle of free markets, while raising protectionist barriers more than probably all other postwar presidents combined and implementing massive government intervention in the economy. He was a great exponent of law and order, while he informed the business world that labor laws would not be enforced, so that illegal firing of union organizers tripled under his supervision. His hatred of working people was exceeded perhaps only by his contempt for the rich black women driving their limousines to collect their welfare checks.

  41. JackDempsey

    This *is* a nice gift.
    But what I am going to do with the home version of Dance Dance Revolution that I already had penciled in for Dear Old Dad?

  42. Johnny Zhivago

    [re=591073]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Does this include the famous “the bombing will start immediately” joke?

  43. surfacenoise76

    [re=591055]Scaggsville guy[/re]: Please, PLEASE tell me you have that scene in an animated gif suitable for an avie.

  44. bitchincamaro

    My dad was a wounded WW2 vet and voted Republican. He died doing his job, which was delivering milk to suburban Detroit families. Years later, when The Dead Milkmen formed, I was perversely attracted to them and have been a devotee ever since. I know it’s totally lame, but I thank them for my screen name. Dad and I never saw eye to eye on politics but he never shunned me or my brothers because of that fact. Dad died before Reagan’s rise to power but I take comfort, knowing in my heart that he would never have voted for that Hollywood monster. He had simple beliefs, and “blood is thicker than water” was one of them. That doesn’t require his canonization or a pathetic re-writing of “our” history, just a salute and a posthumous set of solid platinum TruckNutz for his old milk wagon. Sorry Michael, your dad is still a major weenie.

  45. Potater

    [re=591000]Slattenpat[/re]: Read more of that article. My God, Ole Ronnie even politicized an increase in his kids’ allowance. And apparently he’d indoctrinated fealty so strongly into his children that when Lil Mikey got molested and photographed nude by that camp counselor, his fear wasn’t in confronting his rapist or dealing with the emotional scarring of such abuse, but that his molested pictures might hurt his daddy’s political career.

    May I be excused to vomit? May I? Too late.

  46. southern mark smith

    [re=591099]Hemp Dogbane[/re]: I’m sure he must have read “Beautiful Losers”, since he spent so much time masturbating all over the whole nation, every day, until the whole floor was sticky. Oh, and the divorce. And the psychosis. Yup, it all adds up.

  47. Pat Pending

    Did they even know Mikey was alive? ‘Cause, seriously, Patty and Ron could hardly get an audience with their parents since they were generally too busy making scary googly eyes at each other to notice the shit that fell out of Mom’s womb. Weird, weird people…

  48. MilwaukeeKent

    The man was one of the finest products that General Electric ever made. He knew exactly how to deal with terrorists, too — he cut deals with terrorists all the time. Ironic though that the “father” of modern conservatism would be trundled offstage as a RINO by today’s crowd of right-running lemmings, probably for no greater sin than being Tip o’Neil’s drinking buddy (Tip or Moynahan, one). Good thing he’s dead so they can remember him like they want. Like Jesus and forgetting he was kind of a commie, also.

    Ironic (or merely profitable) that GE’s network ran with this:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skQuhoG7fFM&feature=related

  49. Hemp Dogbane

    [re=591101]southern mark smith[/re]: I’m sentimental, if you know what I mean
    I love the country but I can’t stand the scene.
    And I’m neither left or right
    I’m just staying home tonight,
    getting lost in that hopeless little screen.

  50. southern mark smith

    [re=591107]Hemp Dogbane[/re]: The rich have got channels in the bedrooms of the poor.

  51. Pat Pending

    [re=591040]Jim89048[/re]: Although he’s not gay (not that there’s anything WRONG with that), Ron Jr. did host the Animal Planet Eukanuba Cup dog show for several years, and I’m not sure that’s forgivable.

  52. user-of-owls

    One of the treasured bits of wisdom:

    “Dictators are good,
    but commies are bad.
    Ketchup’s a vegetable,
    just like dear old dad.”

  53. Jim89048

    [re=591111]Pat Pending[/re]: I stand corrected, thanks. I have NO idea where I got that impression, though I think it was from a reichtard former supervisor I had, who worshipped reagan.
    I got the day off for ronnie’s funeral, being a good socialist state worker in CA at the time. Only thing he ever did to benefit me, was to die.

  54. Jukesgrrl

    [re=591066]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: My mother always gives speeches about Mother’s Day being a Hallmark holiday and how terrible it is … but never once does she tell us not to gather together around a fancy dinner in her honor, nor does she ever tell us not to buy her gifts. I call fraud.

    [re=591111]Pat Pending[/re]: I sat next to Ron Jr. at an airport gate once as he waited to board first class and I waited to board coach. He gave me no gay vibe, even though I was expecting one. Which was stupid of me, since I have a long-time acquaintance who is a straight (hound dog, even) ballet dancer. He gave off no “look at me, I’m rich and you know my daddy” vibe either. I also give him credit for tastefully negotiating the very difficult waters of his father’s showy funeral — firmly rejecting the insane politics, yet still politely honoring the parental unit. Faced with that, many liberals would have spent the whole week drunk in their hotel.

  55. Mr Blifil

    [re=591073]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Reagan had true wit and used humor in both public and private occasions. He was a funny man.

    Thankfully I was not consuming fluids when I got to that part.

  56. TGY

    I thought the greatest lesson the Gipper taught was never to sell guns to your enemies to illegally fund your friends. And get caught.

  57. dex

    wait, ronald reagan was president? ronald reagan? the actor?

    riiight – then who was vice-president back in the 80s? jerry lewis? i suppose jane wyman is the first lady! and jack benny was secretary of the treasury.

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