RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  2:52 pm June 3, 2010

George Bush Would Drink Another O’Douls If He Really Had To

by Riley Waggaman

  • The Ohio Senate has had it up to here with all the humanoid-animal demon beasts manufactured almost every day in Toledo petri dishes. [Hit & Run]
  • George Bush loved waterboarding Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. It was his favorite thing to do with Khalid, although they also had a lot of fun clearing brush together. [Think Progress]
  • The IDF’s YouTube channel proves it was actually the peace activists who boarded that flotilla and then shot the IDF in the head, and not the other way around! [Weekly Standard]
  • The Cookie Monster’s favorite politician is Rahm Emanuel, because Rahm is pure milk chocolate and not an evil Oreo like Barack Obama. [Daily Intel]
  • Matt Yglesias ate a bowl of Chinese shark fin soup, which is basically the equivalent of using a million endangered sharks to plug up BP’s exploding oil well at the bottom of the ocean. Seriously though, shark fin soup is really bad for the ecosystem and Matt is sorry he ate it, even though it was so tasty. [Matt Yglesias]
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Hola wonkerados.

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actor212 June 3, 2010 at 2:54 pm

Matt…shame on you.

ManchuCandidate June 3, 2010 at 2:57 pm

Rahm Emmanuel sponsored by the letters F for Fuck, R for Retard and the number 9.

you cannot be serious June 3, 2010 at 2:59 pm

Who knew that Jill & Joe Biden were furries?

Prommie June 3, 2010 at 3:00 pm

Fucking weasel words, W is a moron, but he is wiley, and he speaks in a lawyerly fashion; he said he would waterboard again, “if it would save lives.” Well so would I, if it would save lives, and I knew for sure it would save lives, the doctrine of justification would exonnerate the act, it would be the right thing to do. But thats not the issue, thats a hypothetical, you are never in the real world going to know if your waterboarding is going to save lives, they were waterboarding simply in the hope of saving lives, and thats not good enough to justify it. But they were always, and he stillis, careful to phrase it in terms of a plot from an episode of 24, we got the guy who has the code to defuse the ticking suitcase nuke, so we have to waterboard him. Its a canard.

Prommie June 3, 2010 at 3:01 pm

I’ll get your shark. But its going to cost you.

ttommyunger June 3, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Being reminded of GW is like remembering when I caught the Clapp in the Army. Both of them a shameful, painful memory, although nobody was killed over the latter. Also, I pretty much got over the Clapp… Bush’s “Legacy” still pretty much with us all.

Doglessliberal June 3, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Ah, but who is Rahm Emmanuel’s favorite? The Sesame Street Character Rorschach test.

JMP June 3, 2010 at 3:05 pm

Good job, Ohio; we need to make sure to ban all useful scientific research that can be made to sound creepy by fundamentalists who don’t know what they’re talking about.

It doesn’t matter what horrible acts Israel may commit against the Palestinians, they could move to full genocide and the Weekly Standard and other parts of the American right would justify it.

Doglessliberal June 3, 2010 at 3:08 pm

Two issues:

1) how big an issue is this in Ohio, really? Is there a rampant cloning underground?

2) Several people can now longer visit Ohio: Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, (reptile/man), Michael Steele (invertebrate/human), Alberto Gonzalez [AG not 2B for Nats] (weaselpigdog/human). Etc.

freakishlystrong June 3, 2010 at 3:13 pm

While I’m all for the AG getting all rule of lawerish on BP, there’s a huge part of me that wishes he would grow a pair and apply it to these braggart torturers. It stinks.

JMP June 3, 2010 at 3:16 pm

[re=590712]Doglessliberal[/re]: Oscar the Grouch, obviously.

dijetlo June 3, 2010 at 3:17 pm

A hybrid human-animal embryo produced by fertilizing a nonhuman egg with a human sperm;

It’s called the “This Aint West Virgiania” Act of 2010

GOPCrusher June 3, 2010 at 3:18 pm

[re=590719]Doglessliberal[/re]: I assumed from many trips to the area between Cleveland and Columbus, that animal/human hybrid production was already in full gear.

snideinplainsight June 3, 2010 at 3:20 pm

So, I’m guessing all those lizard-people up north can’t go Back to Ohio then?

gurukalehuru June 3, 2010 at 3:23 pm

Why do Israeli soldiers board a non-hostile ship in international waters and kill 10 people?
Because they can.

Spike June 3, 2010 at 3:24 pm

Yglesias and the Chinese are smart enough to know that if you don’t eat the shark, the shark will eat you.

SayItWithWookies June 3, 2010 at 3:26 pm

[re=590705]Prommie[/re]: Hahahaha, you’re either pretending Dubya uses reason or you’ve just forgotten. Waterboarding always saves lives — otherwise it wouldn’t be used, would it? Problem eliminated. Now watch this drive…

RoscoePColtraine June 3, 2010 at 3:26 pm

Combine human DNA with animal DNA (we prefer horse) in a bowl, stir, and enjoy.

If it really is so easy, why didn’t God close the loophole?

Jim89048 June 3, 2010 at 3:33 pm

[re=590743]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Teh Simpsons already did it, what with monkeys with four asses and such.

maven June 3, 2010 at 3:34 pm

[re=590743]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Isn’t that how the Gods made man? They landed here millions of years ago and played around with the local proteins in order to seed Earth. Just ask Tom Cruise.

Mustang June 3, 2010 at 3:35 pm

I’m sick of well fed American liberals making the rules for the whole world. Go suck a cow.

chascates June 3, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Sarah Palin latest Facebook rant is against environmentalists who forced companies to drill in unsafe places instead of easy pickings like ANWR.
Extreme deep water drilling is not the preferred choice to meet our country’s energy needs, but your protests and lawsuits and lies about onshore and shallow water drilling have locked up safer areas. It’s catching up with you. The tragic, unprecedented deep water Gulf oil spill proves it.

revbob June 3, 2010 at 3:48 pm

The human/animal hybrid in Ohio is actually the Dickens.

McDuff June 3, 2010 at 3:53 pm


(like the rest of the world does)

RoscoePColtraine June 3, 2010 at 3:55 pm

Richard Dawkins provides this food for thought: a cow feels more pain than a cluster of cells in a petri dish.

Christians never fail to astonish us with their disconnect.

Sharkey June 3, 2010 at 3:57 pm

Keep your grubby Matts off my fins!

subo June 3, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Waterboarding the shit out of people: No investigation
Offering people jobs: Impeachment

It’s like they’re going mad with power before getting any. This ain’t 1994, people.

Prommie June 3, 2010 at 4:05 pm

[re=590719]Doglessliberal[/re]: Well, there is research into using human dna to alter the dna of animalsso that the animal’s organs can be transplanted into humans, with no danger of rejection. It does not require the creation of “hybrids,” but it does mean you have pigs with human dna in them. But the cool thing is, that the law seems to have been crafted deliberately so as to allow this, note that it only prohibits human brains in animal bodies, but it does not prohibit any other human organs in animal bodies. It also doesn’t want the animal to make human sperm, for some reason, but hey, whatever.

Whatever, I’m just happy I’m going to be able to getmy pig’s liver, when I need one.

JMP June 3, 2010 at 4:16 pm

[re=590795]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: It’s all because the Christians think the undifferentiated cells still have that magical invisible immaterial thing that’s supposed to house personality and thought, instead of our brains that actually do. But other animals don’t have those magical things, because humans are just special that way.

Yes, magical thinking leads to some bizarre conclusions.

[re=590803]subo[/re]: My conservative friends are all convinced the Reps will win commanding majorities in both the House and Senate in November, and are all literally (by which I mean figuratively) counting their chickens before they hatch.

Doglessliberal June 3, 2010 at 4:35 pm

[re=590729]JMP[/re]: too obvious

Doglessliberal June 3, 2010 at 4:37 pm

[re=590811]Prommie[/re]: just don’t go to any restaurants that serve offal. You might not come out.

GOPCrusher June 3, 2010 at 4:55 pm

[re=590753]chascates[/re]: And Michele Bachmann stood in front of the House and ranted that the Obama Administration stood aside and let BP handle stopping the oil leak in the Gulf. And wondered aloud why they didn’t confiscate private property to be used to prevent the oil from reaching the shore.
Welcome to Bizarro World.

Captain Slick-Talk June 3, 2010 at 5:11 pm

This is just to say
Matt has eaten the shark fins
that were in the icebox
and which you were probably saving for breakfast
Forgive him
they were delicious
so gelatinous and so cold

bitchincamaro June 3, 2010 at 6:38 pm

[re=590728]freakishlystrong[/re]: I’ve been muttering this under my breath for the last 3 days while fantasizing about pulling out Holder’s mustache, whisker by whisker. I know, life is full of contradictions, init?

Accordion-o-rama June 3, 2010 at 7:18 pm

I’d water-board Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to:

__ save lives
__ protect the troups
__ save family farms
__ piss off the UN
__ maintain the principle of executive privilege
__ get reelected
__ maintain a perpetual state of war with the world’s Muslim population
__ get even
__ get hard

Please check all that are appropriate.

lukewarm June 3, 2010 at 8:00 pm

Anyone who votes to ban avenues of medical research should be prohibited from receiving medical treatment deriving from that research.

Aurelio June 3, 2010 at 8:25 pm

…endangered sharks….
What a concept!

Aurelio June 3, 2010 at 8:33 pm

[re=590705]Prommie[/re]: doctrine of justification would exonnerate [sic] the act. Not if there’s another way to do it. And there was. And it worked. On Khalid. Before they waterboarded him.

S.Luggo June 3, 2010 at 9:00 pm
In other efflux,
“Poll of Nev. Repugs Favors Sensual Massage/Scientology Woman over Chicken Lady in GOP US Senate Primary by 8 Points … Metric!”
I’ll take a thigh.

zhubajie June 4, 2010 at 7:04 am

[re=590705]Prommie[/re]: Bush did it because he is a sadist, the same reason he tortured animals to death as a child and branded his frat bros in college.

zhubajie June 4, 2010 at 7:09 am

[re=590715]JMP[/re]: Back in the 19th century, the Ohio Legislature twice petitioned Congress to formally annex the inside of the hollow earth!

zhubajie June 4, 2010 at 7:19 am

[re=590733]GOPCrusher[/re]: Even more so in the area between Columbus and Cincinnati!

zhubajie June 4, 2010 at 7:22 am

[re=591065]S.Luggo[/re]: Who doesn’t prefer a massage girl to a chicken?

zhubajie June 4, 2010 at 7:25 am

[re=590719]Doglessliberal[/re]: You can be sure it is another attempt to suck up to the Religious Right. Columbus is home to Rod Parsley, John McCain’s spiritual adviser, until John found out just what a bigot and crook he was! Just think: too evil even for McCain!

zhubajie June 4, 2010 at 7:31 am

Re: Shark fin soup, shark farming is on the way, I expect.

zhubajie June 4, 2010 at 7:42 am

[re=590733]GOPCrusher[/re]: I know that man-chicken cross-breeding is an old tradition in the Cincinnati area.

friendlynerd June 4, 2010 at 9:21 am

As someone who came out of a Toledo petri dish myself (hi mom!) I take offense to this law.

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