Sure, “giant shears.” That should do it. [AP/Fox News as re-imagined by Wonkette Operative "Slushy D."]
WHY NOT SEND GODZILLA? 8:48 am June 3, 2010
BP Deploying Edward Scissorhands To Gulf Spill
Hola wonkerados.
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{ 18 comments }
Actually, sending Johnny Depp to the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico would be viscerally satisfying on a certain level. Did you see that last Pirates of the Caribbean movie? He’ll be fine. He can catch a ride on the Flying Dutchman.
Almost as good as the giant tampon proposal.
There is only one man for a cleaning job this vast: Jacques Coustodian.
We need to get our best minds on this problem like Chuck Norris, Stallone, The A-Team , that guy from the Twilight Zone episode who was really smart, MacGyver and Phineas J Whoopee all headed by energy expert Sarah Palin.
Personally, I know Superman can go back in time by circling the globe really fast backwards due to some time-space thing that was never explained, due to it being the 1970′s, and drugs covered up many a good plothole. He did it for Lois Lane. I say, put Lois tied to some shorebirds (like 5 or 6 brown-now-black pelicans on each appendage), toss her in Bay St Louis, MS (new motto: “Paying for your sins annually since Katrina”) and wait for Superman to send time back to 1982, where he can smack the inventor of parachute pants, and prep Lois to be an astronaut for a 5 year trip to Mars in 2009, thereby precluding her demise in 2010 in a bunch of tar balls because she’ll be in, say a Jupiterian hyper-shot orbit.
Screw the shears. If we nuke the well our delicious, oil basted gulf shrimp will come pre-cooked.
A giant butt plug is clearly the solution, which calls for the gayest of teh gayz to be in charge. Anyone have Lindsay Graham’s number?
Time to send in Inspector Clouseau….
Joe Scarborough was almost in tears this morning about what this is doing to the beaches near Pensacola. And if it makes Joe Scarborough cry, then this oil leak is entirely worth it.
Scissors? Some suburban pantywaist like Eddie is okay for hedges, but this requires serious work. We need a real Texican like ol’ Leatherface and his chainsaw.
I say grab that pipe hard and give it a big ol mean ass texas titti twister, that outa stop her. Give Popeye some fresh spinach and a dive helmet. he knows the sea, he can do it!
I know this will work, a nasty hooker once did this to me and it stopped a gusher, i’m telling ya.
Look, that oil pipe has been spewing for 44 days now. It probably needs a quick trim, and maybe a wash and blow!
[re=590240]Justin Time[/re]: D’Oh!
[re=590305]weejee[/re]: If W were still preznit, we’d already be discussing the “nucular” option. He could clear the brush around it first, though.
Bush and Cheney would turn this over to Halliburton.
Wait. What?
I think its time to introduce the one and only Billy Shears.
[re=590266]Larry McAwful[/re]: Did Mika nod, knowingly?
Now, I’m no engineer, but I do have a chainsaw, and I know from frequent experience that if you try to make a horizontal cut through a vertical tree trunk that’s any more than, say, 3-4 inches in diameter, the blade is going to get stuck. As soon as enough of the tree is cut through, the weight from above collapses the gap around the blade, and holds it tight. Buoyancy notwithstanding, a mile-long pipe (steel?) is going to be heavy and wobbly.
If any hillbilly with a Husqvarna knows this, wouldn’t BP’s engineers? Surely they can’t be that stupid.
(They can be that stupid. And don’t call me Shirley.)
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