time to burn this place down

Goodbye Forever, Dearest Wonketteers

MASTERPIECEWell, guess what. Today is the final day for editor “Jim Newell” (me) at your Wonkette, and this is my last post. I will be starting at Gawker on Monday! So, should I just rattle off a few Blingees of furries, write “ha ha,” and then be done with it? Probably. Instead I will just type for an hour or so until I have to go somewhere. “Ha ha.” Oh dear…

When I started typing at the Wonkette blog on October 9, 2007, I was the usual bright-eyed, ambitious, friendly young ginger gentleman with a variety of interests to explore in the prosperous American economy. What a joke! It’s thanks to you, Wonkette readers, that I’ve become something much “more.” Specifically, an overweight couch potato with no interest in anything except typing the word “poop” next to politicians’ names; a vile elders-insulting misanthrope who does little more than rant to the cat about “incentive structures” and “media narratives” while drunk, so drunk, every night, but mostly morning.

I have typed thousands of made-up posts for this website during these years, many of which I regret, either because they weren’t funny or because they were just too mean to people who didn’t deserve it. I’ve tried to stop the latter, but who knows. Probably made fun of some college or high school kids over the last year. And that’s one of my main “rules”!

Did you even know that I had a few personal rules for my Wonkette typing?

(1) Don’t make fun of college-age or high school kids. Little kids, of course, are fair game.

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(2) Don’t ever make fun of a lady with gender-connotating words like “bitch” or “slut” or whatever the other awful words are. It’s so unnecessary, right? Especially when you’re talking about, let’s see, SARAH PALIN, and you can just call her an “asshole.” It sounds so much better! “Idiot asshole Sarah Palin went on the Facebook today…” etc. etc. I’m such a gentleman it’s insane.

(3) Don’t ruin lives just because you can! Now I understand that Wonkette isn’t the most read or most influential Internet newspaper. Okay, perhaps that’s being modest: it is, by far. But we do have the ability to destroy lives or screw people out of jobs or, in general, create professional hazards for certain people. If it’s, say, Bill Kristol, we obviously want to destroy both his life and that of everyone in his family. But if a Hill staffer or some other mid-minor level Washington “operative” is caught doing something harmlessly silly, why put that person out of a job? Because even if you post that item without mentioning names, it will be traced back. It took me a little while to realize just how seriously everyone in Washington takes public relations. Everyone needs to calm down.

CALM DOWN, WASHINGTON.

There was going to be a (4) that was “DON’T BE CYNICAL,” but it doesn’t even apply. If I was “cynical,” meaning, if I didn’t believe that government was important or capable of or needing to play a critical role in American life, I wouldn’t be able to type this blog all day. Who would ever want to read and write about apocalyptic, depressing horror tales hour after hour for years if they thought things didn’t matter, or that they didn’t *have* to be better? I think it’s this accusation of “cynicism” above all else that sent me into such a fit with David Denby’s book of lies. Fuck David Denby.

Also, the word “snark” should be bombed from every Internet dictionary. I just try to write funny jokes and occasional informative bits about politics. Mostly poop jokes, though. I really do enjoy me a good line about poop.

***

Thank you to the following humans and/or collectives of IP addresses for all the wacky wacky times here.

To all Wonkette readers, for reading. Most of you probably just skipped to the comments, but who cares? You clicked, and that’s all that matters, suckers.

To John McCain, Joe Lieberman, Lanny Davis, Sarah Palin, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Kristol and a few others, for being the most loathsome subjects that come to mind and offering so much material over the years.

To the Wonkette Commentariat, for being the absolute most consistently hilarious group of one-liner writers on the Internet since forever. I’m not just being a fairy here: it’s kind of “Internet consensus” that Wonkette commenters are, without a doubt, the best on any blog on the Internet. Ask anyone (who isn’t dumb) and they will tell you this. Please keep this up. And I won’t mention names but there are CERTAIN commenters, still active, whom I remember from my very first day, and who bothered sticking around through all of the horribly unfunny posts that dominated my first few months here. Thank you, certain anonymous regular commenters!

To Intern Riley and Lady Wonkabout Arielle Fleischer, for providing such great content over the past year, and for being so much fun to hang out with last summer. INTERN RILEY, WHERE ARE “RUMORS” BY THE WAY? IT’S PAST FOUR. I WILL FIRE YOUR ASS YET.

To former co-editor Juli Weiner, who kept me sane during those months in the fall of 2009 when Ken was wandering around California’s highways for some mystical “book project” and Sara was poppin’ out babies like the dickens. We had so much fun typing from different cities together, and then you left, to gay-marry Graydon Carter. Oh well. You will be all of our bosses within a year, anyway.

To Josh Fruhlinger, one of the funniest writers in America, who has been typing various guest things on this blog, whenever asked, since about 1983, and who couldn’t be a nicer person, based on Internet conversations and that one time we ate junk food at Union Station on a weekday.

To my friend and part-time colleague Liz Glover, the nicest, most generous and optimistic person I know. Can we still do road trips to New Hampshire in 2012, like we did in 2008? Hopefully. That was too fun. TOO FUN.

To former co-editor Sara K. Smith, my friend with all the babies. (She has one baby.) Thank you for waking up to do all the early posts for the two-ish years we worked together, even though you live in a time zone further to the West. (Ha ha that was such a sweet deal.) Remember that time we went to Virginia on a junket? What was that? Anyway, good luck with your spawn.

Anyone else?

To Ken Layne, my boss since January 2008, and without a doubt most important figure in Wonkette history. Ken Layne has been the funniest writer on the Internet for about the past ten years. And for at least two of those, he has given me money. If it weren’t for Ken, Wonkette.com would not be the same site it is today, where everything is awesome and important. It would be a gardening site, perhaps, with no jokes. Ken gave me the space to write about the historic 2008 presidential campaign, daily, for a significant audience of funny people and news junkies and regular actual junkies. Good god what an opportunity. Thank you, Ken, and please don’t die having to do more of this writing by yourself (sucker).

Okay I have to go to the therapist now.

You can reach me at newell@gawker.com starting Monday. I will check jim@wonkette.com for the next couple of days, stealing Ken’s tips until he shuts me down.

big $ale on truck nutz,
Jim

PS: Sorry if there are any typos, I really have to go.

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Hola wonkerados.

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330 comments

  1. problemwithcaring

    “So, should I just rattle off a few Blingees of furries, write “ha ha,” and then be done with it? Probably.”

    Miss you already, asshole.

  2. chascates

    Thanks to you Jim for putting up with us and making our squalid lives more bearable. We’ll check you out at this ‘Gawker’ (if there is such a thing).

  3. actor212

    Best-o-luck, Jim. And if the Gawker thing doesn’t work out, you can always come work for me. I don’t pay much, but I’m sure you accept chickens?

  4. BklynIlluminati

    Why is he lying to us and saying he is going to Gawker?? Fat liar is going to Americanz speakz out!

  5. BostonJerry

    we’ll miss ya jim. Someone should write a book about the wonkette alumni. I don’t know if you noticed, but you guys are taking over the internet! Did Steve Benen write at wonkette? his writing is like if a wonkette writer was forced to be somewhat “fair” and “serious”

  6. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Jim, I am SHOCKED that you didn’t send along a platter of cashew-encrusted llama balls to Lady Dame Peggingtonian Nooningtonhumptypantshire. You must correct this grievous oversight stat.

  7. Larry McAwful

    First Juli! Then Sara! And now Jim! What the hell?! The talent pool is getting mighty thin over at Wonkette. If Josh knew he’d be propping so much of this mess up by himself, I’m sure he never would have signed on.

    I’ll be glad to start writing unfunny poop jokes. You can pay me whatever Bill Kristol is getting.

    Good luck on your new thing at whatever that place is, Jim. If you weren’t funny sometimes, I was at least used to you. (Actually, I’m being ironic. As my farewell gift to you, I will admit irony. Because I’m a mensch, or something.) Happy trails.

  8. Unsilly

    I’m glad. Your followers mean far, far better comments at Gawker. Might start being readable.

  9. Bearbloke

    [re=589704]chascates[/re]: There is such a thing as ‘Gawker’, and it offers its writers MUCH bigger Trucknutz and better Buttseks than Wonkette can afford…

  10. I Heart Accuracy

    Thanks for all the times you made me pee some in my pants from laughing like an idiot.

  11. blinky_twinkie

    Goodbye forever. I’m not crying. I have something (Sarah Palin’s long-lost integrity, perhaps) in my eye.

  12. bored with gravity

    Admirable rules for living there, Jim. Adios, and may the trucknutz always be at your back.

  13. Joshua Norton

    Sorry, dude, but the Gawker comments sections are populated mainly by Wonkette wannabe’s. Sometimes they almost nail it, but overall they would get eaten alive over here.

    Have fun, but be ready for lots of shouty responses and Deep Thoughts that make your eyes roll involuntarily.

  14. WadISay

    I’ll be all around in the dark. I’ll be everywhere. Wherever you can look, wherever there’s a fight, so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a cop beatin’ up a guy, I’ll be there. I’ll be in the way guys yell when they’re mad. I’ll be in the way kids laugh when they’re hungry and they know supper’s ready, and when the people are eatin’ the stuff they raise and livin’ in the houses they build, I’ll be there, too.

    Newell going somewhere?

  15. Snarkalicious

    My boss has one less person to blame now. I hope you’re happy.

    WAIT!

    I can start cruising Gawker like some cock-starved intarweb pedobear ALSO, and then she can continue to hate you.

    Hooray.

  16. snideinplainsight

    Bye Jim! Don’t forget to come home once in a while, when you get lonesome. It’s a big, hard world.

  17. norbizness

    “The Real Story Behind Heidi & Spencer’s Probably Fake Divorce” “This Week In Tabloids: Housewives Finale Spoilers; Heidi & Spencer’s Fake Breakup”

    I suggest getting on that Heidi and Spencer thing; it sounds big.

  18. naveed

    Don’t come crying back to mommy when Nick Denton sells your next blog!

    HAH

    But seriously, best of luck, Jim.

  19. hoosiermama

    Wahhh! Don’t go, Jim! Oh, you’ve already left. Well, then, good luck!

    Best John McCain Blingee ever.

    See you on the Gawker.

    *sniff*

  20. Prommie

    Farewell. I readz the Gawker, you will improve it, I look forward to this. Nothing can help the commenters, though, they are tiresome.

  21. Nigerian Business Executive

    Hey Jim! Remember that time you banned me because I was a total asshole who deserved to be banned and then you unbanned me a couple of months later when I begged and pleaded? Hahahahaha! Good times!

    All the best, Jim. I’ll still read you on Gawker, but it still feels like goodbye.

  22. Bruteguy

    Jim has wormed his way into my consciousness as the one writer at Wonkette who seemed to rarely ever use alt-text on the photos; wherever I saw Jim’s name I knew there was a 1 in a 100 chance there wouldn’t be one and I shouldn’t bother mousing over the pics, except on special days, like today (ha I checked it after writing that). Oh, and good luck!

  23. Lucidamente

    First Tipper and Al, now this. Next thing you know, there’ll be a massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

  24. ladymacbeth

    so many wonkette casualties. it’s like titus andronicus only without the cannibalism.

    we will miss you jim!

  25. bfstevie

    Mr. Newell, we will miss you so! This is notwithstanding your well-known savage temper. (I will not discuss the time you beat old rummy Wonkette go-fer “Pop” senseless with an umbrella because he screwed up your latte order.)

    If you’re still with us, please say one more mean thing about Bill Kristol.

  26. I Am Not Your Gary Busey

    Bye Jim!

    Thanks for all the gay pedophile priest representative jokes.

  27. missevans

    Don’t go… but good luck! I SO agree with you about the great commenters. You all make the news awfulness bearable.

  28. bitchincamaro

    A million hand-jobs for “filthy cock jackal”, Jim. I shall use it often, but wisely. See you on that soon-to-be-much-poopier, other “site”.

  29. awesome dude

    Go Fuck Yourself, Jim Newell!

    On a lighter note thanks from a fellow ginger for breaking the stereotype that all gingerd are boring psychopath moutubreathers.

  30. Jerri

    Goddamn it Jim. I was ready to be angry at your leaving all over again, and then you go and post that and now I’m just sad. Good luck to you, and thanks for making me laugh out loud at work like some kind of brain-damaged nutcase.

  31. Jar Jar Was a Senator

    I still can’t believe that anyone who ever worked at one time for Nick Denton would ever willingly go back to work for Nick Denton.

  32. Sara in the West

    Good bye & good luck insane gentleman. Poop jokes will not be the same….

  33. SayItWithWookies

    Jim, it’s been so much fun and relief having your posts around while all hell was/is breaking loose. It’s going to be sadder here without you, so enjoy making shitloads of blogger whoredom cash over at Gawker. And please do something about their horrible layout that looks like some sort of gossip catalogue/spreadsheet rather than a readable page. Unless that’s the rage now and I’m hopelessly behind, in which case I just hate the future.

  34. rambone

    tl:dr :)

    Love you Jim. Not in a ghey way, but in a Catholic priest way with little boys. You get the idea . . .

    Thank you for the laughter. It’s a mitzvah!

  35. glamourdammerung

    If they mistreat you over there, there will be something to pay. I am not sure what, other than it will probably involve feces and be extremely unpleasant.

  36. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    I will be playing Celine Dion outside your home for the next week, Jim, because I love you and my heart will go on.

  37. Neilist

    Goddamnit. I thought I could hear the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” welling up in the background as I read that farewell, tears in my eyes.

    God Bless You, Jim Newell. You will not be forgotten.

    (Well, actually, you will be. But . . . what was your name again? . . . we’ll pretend otherwise.)

    P.S. Got to go. The OED folks are on the other line. Looks like “Cuntagogue” is going into the next edition.

  38. Clancy_Pants

    “Happy trails to you, until we meet again.”

    -D. Evans Rogers

    “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”

    -J. McClane

  39. JMP

    [re=589752]Prommie[/re]: For Jim’s sake, hopefully they’re at least better than Juli’s over at VF; the commenters there seem to consist solely of right-wing trolls

  40. Bearbloke

    [re=589754]Radiotherapy[/re]: Yes! Ban Everyone and declare a Year Zero here at teh Wonkett!

  41. CivicHoliday

    The proper term is “macaca”

    Oh…and ciao, good luck attempting to become Gawker’s ginger overlord

  42. hockeymom

    Awww.
    We’ll miss your funny, insightful (inciteful?) posts.
    Best wishes at Gawker.
    (Damn you, Denton).

  43. zhubajie

    And here I thought John McCain had died or been kidnapped by space aliens or something.

  44. nappyduggs

    Ahhh, Mr. Jim Newell. Were it not for *affirmative action* you would be my all-time favorite Wonkette feces-smear artiste. However, because of horrible social programs, that dubious honor belongs to black, single-mother-welfare queen and former Wonkette writer, Sara K. Smith. Be that as it may, you have gotten through more days than I can count on my one hand that still has all of the fingers on it. You and corn liquor. Seriously, I will see you over at Gawker and this is, yet again, the end of a Wonkette era. Go now and touch the face of God.

  45. Mustang

    I know. We’ll promise to get together and then after making hundreds of excuses, we’ll come over to Gawker for an awkward dinner party, and then we’ll feel obligated to invite you over for a Wonkette barbecue. Then we’ll all agree it’s always fun to get together and that we’ll have to do it again soon. But we won’t.

    You are funny and smart. Thank you for many well spent wasted hours.

  46. Monsieur Grumpe

    Young man, while writing about poop is fun and apparently profitable, I think you need to expand your horizons a little. Have you tried farts? Farts are always funny. ALWAYS!

    I’d like to remind you that Bill Kristol (as far as I can tell) is not destroyed yet. You still have work to do.

    And! Good rules Jim. Good luck and as always, when you’re in Minneapolis, the drinks are on me.

  47. El Pinche

    Wow, you had many cunting rules. I have one rule, don’t make fun of dwarfs.
    Other than that my hatred is universal. Who knows, you might have opened the door for me. I think I need to lay off politics for a while and focus on celebtards.

    Jim, here’s one for the road…eat a bag of pickled Marmaduke sized dicks to the tune of Tik Tok
    Love, Pinchy

  48. sezme

    God, Jim, all your poop jokes have always been funny, forever. I will miss you so much. And I might might try reading you at Gawker. Because, heh, it does beat working after all. But my dream is that you come back to Wonkette after Ken buys Newsweek and … profit! Thanks for always keeping it classy. And lastly, you can run from Dame Peggington (and her lawyers who she always drinks with at bars), but unfortunately, you can’t hide. Good luck trying, though.

  49. El Pinche

    PS: If i wasn’t about to get fired or divorced, I’d put together a video montage set to Celine Dion with blingee screenshots, pictures, text clips (e.g. when the PUMAs made fun of you) etc. This should be done for all wonkette outcasts.

  50. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    [re=589785]Neilist[/re]: But . . . what was your name again?

    Hey, have more respect for our departing John Neumann.

  51. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    [re=589809]sezme[/re]: I’ll try following Jim at Gawker if it’s not too hard to filter out the screaming pile of non-Newell crap I’m seeing on their home page right now. Wow.

  52. thefrontpage

    Who the hell is Jim Newell, and what is he talking about?

    And what is Gawker?!

    Ah, hahahahahahahaha.

    You’ll be back at Wonkette in about six months.

  53. FlipOffResearch

    Good luck Jim. I’ve learned that when Jim uses an unfamiliar phrase, Google it. You might learn something shocking. Like for instance “Cleavland Steamer”. Who knew that had a name, I always thought that was foreplay.

  54. spryte

    Oh lord, so whoever they bring on to replace Jim is going to spend like three months trying to sound just like him. And they’ll fail miserably. And we’ll all laugh. Hooray!

    Bye Jim. You’re awesome. Thanks for Rule #2 btw – this lady noticed it all along and appreciated it!

  55. Heywood Jablome

    Hey Jim, we had so much fun during the 2008 election cycle. Have a bitchin summer. Too sweet! – Don’t ever change. K.I.T.

    (Just a little bitter you didn’t deliver on one last Dame Nooningtonshire screed.)

  56. geminisunmars

    I was going to say “ta ta”, Jim, but in your honor, and even though it isn’t a poop joke, I’ll just say “ta tas” instead.

  57. dijetlo

    Jim, it’s not to late to think about this, I just went to the Gawker site and this is the comment of the day
    He’s like a flying dildo – funny as hell, but you don’t want him aimed at your face.
    This is your future, Jim, lame dildo jokes. A poopless dessert of sex toy humor. No trucknuts for thousands of terabytes, it’s not too late….

  58. ph7

    Time to Burn this Place Down? FUCK YEAH! Just poured gasoline all over my monitor and I’m going to get the matches!

  59. assistant/atlas

    Good luck at Gawker, Jim!

    One piece of advice: no matter how many times he asks, DO NOT sit on Nick Denton’s lap.

  60. V572625694

    [re=589792]Bearbloke[/re]: That was the trouble with Pol Pot: just a little ahead of his time.

  61. sweetfancymoses

    So long, fucker. Also, that is a beautiful scary giant McCranky Pants head. Jesus.

  62. ella

    Thank you, Jim for all the delightful stuff. They probably won’t let you write “poop” in your Gawker posts, but I’ll look forward to seeing some !s over there.

  63. WhatTheHeck

    So, it has come to this. Just leave, why dontcha.
    I remember when you came aboard @ wonkeet those many years ago. We were impressed with your ivy league degrees and gingery hair.
    And now its this long kiss goodbye.

    Well played all these years gone by, Jim.

  64. jus_wonderin

    What!!! What is all this about leaving??? Was I taking a poop when the memo went out?

    I don’t know you, but I love you. Well, I mean, not that kind of love. Or, is it? You leaving has me confused. And I need a cigerette.

    Good Luck Jim.

  65. qwerty42

    [re=589788]JMP[/re]: …hopefully they’re at least better than Juli’s over at VF…
    Julie’s commenters seem decidedly humor-challenged. Even when some commenters try to point out it is a joke, the others can’t get it through their (thick) skulls.

  66. Alldat

    Happy trails and a bag of lightly salted poison rat dicks to you, sir!

    Love, Alldat

  67. steverino247

    Good luck at the new gig, Jim!

    If I want to take a peek at what’s really happening in politics and related areas, I go here first and I’m never disappointed. The commenters are wickedly funny most of the time and when they’re not funny they’re delightfully vicious about people I really dispise. Here at Wonkette, I’ve been able to risk being interviewed by the USSS by saying what I’d do to W’s nose if it ever gets within 36 inches of my fist. And I appreciate that.

    Now, on the way out, paste that picture of John McCain to the ceiling of Sarah “Cuntagogue” Palin’s room in an Alaska mental hospital above a sign that reads: Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

  68. Joshua Norton

    Good night, good night until we meet again
    Adios, au revoir, auf wiedersehen ’til then
    And though it’s always sweet sorrow to part
    You know you’ll always remain in my heart

    Good night, sleep tight and pleasant dreams to you
    Here’s a wish and a prayer that every dream comes true
    And now ’til we meet again
    Adios, au revoir, auf wiedersehen
    Good Night!

    Good night, sleep tight and pleasant dreams to you
    Here’s a wish and a prayer that every dream comes true
    And now ’til we meet again
    Adios, au revoir, auf wiedersehen
    Good Night!

    Everybody sing!

  69. mardam422

    For chrissakes. You’ve been leaving for what…months now? How can we miss you if you won’t go away??

    You, for one, welcome your new Gawker overlords.

  70. Blogette

    Jim, I hardly knew ye. But for what seemed like the briefest of times, you were my favourite Wonkette Editor. Now you’re off to this “Gawker”. Whatever. I will always have the Archives to relive those memories.

    Also too – thanks for the GIANT Walnuts! blingee which will forever haunt my dreams. I basically screamed when I clicked on this post. Honestly – that thing is enormous.

    So, as we say in Australia – bugger off then, ya wanker.

    All the best – hugs and kisses.

  71. legalize everything

    Don’t forget to bring your banhammer with you to Gawker. You’ll need a weapon when your posts are overrun by mindless, drooling trolls, and pseudo-intellectual hipsters. It’s like Dawn of the (Brain)Dead over there.

    Love you long time! Good luck!

    Also.

  72. Bronkers

    I’ll miss your commas, CAPS, comedy and critiques, Jim Newell. You cared, when all was said and done. And alot was said and done.

    Toodles, Toots!

  73. weejee

    May the road rise to meet you
    May the wind always be at your back
    May the sun shine warm upon your face
    May the rains fall soft upon your fields
    And until we meet again, everyday may you find Larry Craig tapping in the stall next to yours

    dat means no gawking at trucknutz, Jim.

  74. slappypaddy

    forever is a long time, sir. plenty of time to swab a poop deck or two. carry on!

  75. Crank Tango

    ah show us your tits before you go!

    anyone?

    Stay cool bro, have a great summer, and maybe we’ll meet up at community college.

    PS studyhall was a blast–that time you faked a ruptured appendix OMG LMFAO!!!

  76. One Yield Regular

    Jim: many thanks, and all best to you. And hey, even James Thurber (back when *he* moved over to Gawker) got around to feeling some pangs of regret about the mean things he’d written, so don’t beat yourself up too much about the broken self-imposed rules and such. One day those of you who’ve managed to wield humor against the unsavory characters polluting our political landscape will be awarded a medal. What kind of medal I have no idea, but I’ll gladly attend the ceremony and applaud.

  77. Mr Blifil

    I can’t believe I’m going to have to start reading Gawker. You are one twisted fuck Newell.

  78. 102415

    Thanks for being so nice about that $5 I still owe you. I’ll see you at Gawker remind me.

  79. Mista Eko

    This is a prank! He used an alt-text!

    …right?

    /looks out window waiting for car to appear

  80. the problem child

    I’d made you a goodbye blingee, but then I eated it. Good luck in the land of the gawker. Or stalker. Whatever.

  81. Biden Time

    Yeah, could someone please explain how to subscribe or whatever to the Jim Newell posts on Gawker and ignore the rest of the mindless bullshit drivel? Cool, thanks.

  82. Nerdalicious

    Jim, the best investimagtive journalism ever! Especially concerning Health Reform Nonreform. Smart, Witty, Poopy, what’s not to miss?? Byes….

  83. ithasatilde

    Thanks for the lols, Jim– I’ve never been so teary-eyed at a John McCain blingee. See you Monday, next to the latest pictures of Lady Gaga’s penis and a psychological profile of Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino!

  84. RoscoePColtraine

    I’m going to miss you. So. Much.

    Here’s looking at you, kid. We’ll always have Palin.

  85. doxastic

    A pre-requisite for “serious” political dialogue is the ability to determine who merits serious thought and who should be laughed out of the public sphere before their assholery wastes another precious second of our collective attention. You’re doing God’s work, Jim. See ya Monday.

  86. blogslut

    You made me cry in a good way. When I come here, I’ll say these words as a prayer, as regret, as praise, I’ll say: Ginger, ginger, ginger.

  87. AliBabaInBA

    Jim, Thanks for making the news from America (home) a little easier to look at.

    Buena suerte!

  88. Chet Kincaid

    [re=589740]Joshua Norton[/re]: Damn right. I am always amazed at the extremely high wit quotient of the uncurated Wonkette comments compared to that of the overcurated Gawker sites, where they still believe they can con commenters out of quality content by portraying commenting as some kind of privilege.

  89. MOG

    [re=589858]Joshua Norton[/re]: Isn’t that the Lawrence Welk sign-off song??? Yikes. Oh, and trucknutz will always make me think of you, Jim. Thanks for……….well, everything, you know and call, or write. *sob*

  90. Miss Crabbypants

    Thank you for helping me survive these crazy years. I will think of you every time I look at our — oops, I mean my — beautiful red headed daughter.

    Best of luck, Jim!

  91. Keram2

    Haha, your last post had Alt-Text, I thought that was a rule, hmmmm?

    Seriously, good luck.

  92. Texan Bulldoggette

    Egad, that picture of Walnuts is frightening. But, speaking of pics–you are much younger (according to Chascates pics he posted of you). I kind of pictured you as a red-headed Unabomber muttering under your breath about Noonington & Cocktober while using squirrel toenails as toothpicks. Man, good to know that you still have some life left in you & that the crap AMERICA(!) has made you write on Wonkette hasn’t killed your will to live. Also.

    Will miss you & good luck! (I’ll make an effort to visit Gawker but hate all that Justin Bieber, Real Housewives shit.)

  93. Papas got a brand new teabag

    a vile elders-insulting misanthrope who does little more than rant to the cat about “incentive structures” and “media narratives” while drunk, so drunk, every night, but mostly morning.

    I think Jim just wrote his epitaph.

    Well done, Jim. It was a shaky start, but you finished strong. (poop)

  94. sanantonerose

    Why do all the important men in my life leave??? All I have now is this cold bottle of Hendricks and a cucumber….and it’s it’s …. seedless! *sob*

  95. Jukesgrrl

    Before I came here I was just a garden variety unemployed alcoholic who hated Rick Santorum. Now, I aspire to be a snarky, unemployed alcoholic who hates MANY people. You played a part in that human growth, Jim. Vaya con Dios, as we used to say in Arizona, before it became illegal.

  96. AutomaticPilot

    Jim, I absolutely love your writing style, your wit, and your intelligence and I will miss those things. Because, who are we kidding? No one’s going over to Gawker.

    Best of luck and thanks for keeping us all entertained while we were supposed to be working.

  97. AnnieGetYourFun

    No love for Richard Cohen or Peggington Nooningtonshire? Man.

    I will miss you, Jim.

  98. Tim Was Tim

    This must be the fourth person to type their goodbye since I started coming here on a regular basis, and that was like a month ago. I know someday soon I’ll mention Wonkette to someone only to hear, “All the good writers left.”

    And I’ll feel like I missed that party.

  99. natteringnabomb

    Lotza buttsecks,booze and drugs can be had with the many stars over their.Great gig.Ahhh break a truck nut.

  100. Tommmcatt

    Newell:

    Well, what am I supposed to do? You won’t answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I’m not gonna be ignored,Jim!

    Can I have a pair of your used underwear, please? For the memories?

    Looking forward to stalking you over at Gawker, even though Prom is right about their commenters,

    Tommmcatt

  101. FalconerHK

    Thanks, Jim. I didn’t comment much because, well, I’m a catholic priest and my hands were full.

    Our old gigs were good for us while they lasted.

    Of course, in my new gig as Inmate #37568763, tonight I’ll be gang raped in the showers, but I will smile and take it knowing I could be doing something much worse.

    Your new gig, for instance.

  102. bitchincamaro

    It just occurred to me that had Ken turned this site into an actual “gardening site”, Jim still could have exercised his fetish talk about “poop”.

    Also, this thread has been so much fun, I do wish Newell had quit many, many times before this.

  103. Joey Ratz

    Farewell, Jim! Vaya con dios, and all that. I guess I’ll have to give Gawker a new chance now.

    [re=589799]zhubajie[/re]: Business as usual, then?

  104. Patty Dumpling

    Jim, I’d like to add my voice to the cacaphony:

    I don’t know what “cacaphony” means, but it starts with “cac” and ends with “phony”, so I can only assume that it refers to a dildo of some sort.

    I’d like to add my voice to the dildo.

    I’m going to miss you here, but I’m going to follow you there, so it’s no big deal, right??

    Love You.
    Patty

  105. Slattenpat

    Fare thee well, Jim Newell! Time to cash in all those well-earned Whore Diamonds you’ve been hoarding all these years.

    P.S. Good luck at Gawker. Don’t steal any iPhones!

  106. gjdodger

    Jim, this is a long way to go to avoid admitting that you had an affair with Nikki Haley, too.

  107. predilectrix

    Junkies? That reminds me. Whatever happened to HoboSpace? Call home!

    Damn it, Jim, I’m just a country commentator. But I think you have purty ways.

  108. Mad Farmer Manifest

    I will miss your plausibly deniable calls-to-arms. “Check out this site. Be sure not to do that thing you turds always do! (Wink, wink)”

    You’ll miss it, too. I somehow doubt that you will be able to send wave after wave of your own people into the teeth of Republican Party online surveys and PUMA comments sections while you watch safely from your perch at Gawker. You need warblogging Wonktards for that.

  109. JohnnyUtah

    You forgot Mark Penn, but other than that a goodbye for the ages. Thanks for all the good times and may your future bring you thousands of whore diamonds, also.

  110. engulfedinflames

    Would it be against the rules for you to leave an occasional comment?

    It would be a comfort, thank you.

  111. SmutBoffin

    Jim, tonight I will drink a 40 oz. of Laser and eat a chocolate dildo in memory of all the larfs.

    Then register for Gawker, I guess, though I don’t know what I could possibly comment on in a post about how some TV show I don’t watch is getting cancelled. tWatever, you need the pageviews.

  112. ZombieRichardFeynman

    Ya done good, Jim. I’ll miss you and will even try suffering through a few visits to Gawker. I’ve often been impressed at the level of random knowledge you and the other under-50 writers have here. It has taken me 63 years to be able to get a decent proportion of your references before hitting the Google machine.

  113. Crank Tango

    [re=589954]Extemporanus[/re]: was that your last gasp too? I seem to recall you having some kinda ginger-suicide pact going on…

  114. WhatTheHeck

    [re=589954]Extemporanus[/re]:
    Why did you have to bring sex into this?

    Unless Gingy Jim has a special place in your heart.

  115. Terry

    “But if a Hill staffer or some other mid-minor level Washington “operative” is caught doing something harmlessly silly, why put that person out of a job? Because even if you post that item without mentioning names, it will be traced back. It took me a little while to realize just how seriously everyone in Washington takes public relations. Everyone needs to calm down.”

    Washingtonienne?

  116. Joshua Norton

    [re=589917]MOG[/re]: Of course it’s Lawrence Welk. I felt a little schmaltz was needed. Also, the song’s so bad that it’s almost good. And check out the pretty costumes. Lawrence Welk’s show was where polyester went to die.

  117. hoosiermama

    [re=589858]Joshua Norton[/re]: Ack, I love that song and now I’m all sad about Jim leaving again.

    And now till we meet again, adios, au revoir, auf wiedersehen…goodnight!

    Hm, now I want a Heineken.

  118. MortSinclair

    [re=589712]Troubledog[/re]: No, he’s leaving to spend more time with Ari Fleischer’s children.

  119. Country Club Jihadi

    Gawker can blow me. Pouring one out for you, Jim. Call me when you need some halal lovin’.

  120. Simba B

    [re=589889]Biden Time[/re]: I had to write a script to do it. If anyone cares and knows how to run web server scripts, it’s here.

    I have no clue if it works, because obviously there’s no way to test it yet.

  121. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=589899]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Yes, who will lead us as a War Blog now?

    And will Gawker become a war blog?

    Also.

  122. MilwaukeeKent

    Good luck Mr. Newell. Oh yeah, poop:

    Nurse walks into a patient’s room, sez: “Your urine sample was okay, but your stool tasted terrible!”

    Owww! That knee! Oww! That bruise!

  123. WadISay

    Go well among the Gawkers, Jim, and thanks for the laffs. I will hoist a pint to you and SKS next time I am at the Liffey, where you did your most important work. And have your Gawker contract looked at by a lawyer, in case they snuck in a “no excrement” clause.

  124. rastignac

    I just haz a sad :-(

    But for those who missed out on the kinky sex with Newell, he will be pimping himself outside the Gawker offices at lunchtime.

  125. wheelie

    Jim,

    Thanks to you I got an angry note from my IT Dept about my internet usage in 2008. And in 2009, they blocked this site as “porn-related.”

    You have been brilliant here. And we’ll miss you.

    And now you are off to somewhere new, chasing your crazy dreams, as well all do.

    And as we all know, our dreams come to nothing and our fleeting success passes and soon we become bitter and broken, and life drags us down, man, we realise it’s all a charade, and soon we long for nothing but the cold damp welcome of the yawning grave.

    For we all must die, and most of will die sooner than expected, and few will remember us or even care.

    And we become so disheartened by the cruelties of life that the anonymity of our certain, horrible deaths becomes a relief . . .

    . . . So anyway, good luck with that new job!

  126. Terry

    [re=589992]wheelie[/re]:
    “Thanks to you I got an angry note from my IT Dept about my internet usage in 2008. And in 2009, they blocked this site as “porn-related.””

    I suspect a few of us have had some ‘splaining to do to the IT guys because of this webpage. The trick is to have stuff on the IT guys and you reach this Cold War detente thing and everyone is happy.

    Jim, good luck and best wishes for continued success. :)

  127. murileemartin

    As a foot soldier in the Gawker Army (Automotive Regiment), I wish you many uniques.

  128. Vulpes82

    Farewell, sweet ginger prince! I read Gawker, so I’ll still get to enjoy your poop jokes, but it just won’t be the same. Nick Denton is a vampire! I know you worked for him for a while before, but you had Ken running interference and by that point Wonkette was an ugly stepchild. At Gawker, he watches like a big-headed, British hawk. Don’t let him take away your purity and innocence!

  129. Joe Schmoe

    Michael Steele.
    You fucking forgot Michael Steele.
    How could you?
    Anyway, see you on gawkr.
    Gawkher.
    Gawquer.
    Whatever.

  130. nappyduggs

    [re=589908]blogslut[/re]:
    You quoth “Prince of Tides”; my tears floweth like a bitter stream.

  131. Sharkey

    [re=589931]sanantonerose[/re]: Get a grip! I have yet to see a bottle of Hendrick’s with seeds in it.

    [re=589962]GleepGlop[/re]: Rust never sleeps. When you’re out of the poo, and into the Gawk…

  132. TimeCubist

    On the one hand, this is the final pinched-off swirl on a shitpile of a day. On the other, I laughed.

    Which is why I already miss ya, Jim. Good luck! I might go peer nervously at this “Gawker” of which you speak.

    Poop. Also.

  133. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Out among the blogs I comment,
    Way beyond Wonkette.
    On my silver keyboard I type,
    A dream that ended too soon.
    Now I know exactly who I am
    And what I’m here for.
    And I will go warblogging no more.

    All the things I thought I’d be,
    All the brave things I’ve done.
    Vanish like a snowflake
    With the rising of the sun.
    Never more to warblog a puma
    Were no man has gone before.
    And I will go warblogging no more.

    No, it can’t be true!
    I could warblog if I wanted to!
    Like a writer at National Review,
    If I believed I could post,
    Well, I’d post!

    Clearly I will go warblogging, no more

  134. Beanball

    Go to Gawker, dammit. Cause some random havoc over there, wherever it is; see if I care.

    (Is this “Gawker” available on the Intrawebz?)

  135. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    Thank you for leading the group therapy session that is Wonkette. I realize you were just doing it because the judge made you, but you actually seemed to enjoy it at times and for that we thank you.

  136. joe twelve pack

    Wait a minute, other people RANT to their cat also? have fun with those elitists in the city, ask Richard if you can help with his recaps, theys the only good thing there.

  137. bjkeefe

    Ah, who can top all the wonderfulness that has already been typed?

    “Good luck” and “thanks,” for sure.

    And if you would just quit for realz, all of us would be +1 funnier, on the Internet.

  138. slappypaddy

    [re=589949]Patty Dumpling[/re]: “cacaphony” is actually ancient greek for “artificial shit” (from “caca” (shit) and “phony” (phony)). one might think it means “shit phony” but that doesn’t make any sense.

    anyways, you have serendipitously hit upon the perfect word in your salute to the departing herr newell, given his hardly disguised fondness for poop jokes. and let there be no misunderstanding, “artificial shit” is the general denotation for cacaphony. its connotations are myriad. in the context of a political blog, it can mean “chorus of rambunctious avatars” (viz., wonkette).

  139. rottenart

    I’m late to the party, Jim, but you’re such a traitor, you devil-spawn. I hope you can still sleep at night. Even without the gallons and gallons of booze.

  140. the problem child

    You are going going to let your cat stay here, right? I mean, that’s who I’ve been ranting to, mostly… mine won’t let me get much in edgewise.

  141. ShiningMathPath

    [re=590010]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: Do we have to pay extra for him seeming to enjoy it? I wasn’t told about that.

  142. YeWaat?

    I never comment, or when I do it isn’t funny, clever or grammatically correct but I will miss Ginger–I wanted to go chat him up at the Wonkette Inaugural Ball but was too shy. Best wishes, Jim!
    xoxo

  143. Beowoof

    Really I open Wonkette for some much needed snark to lighten the load of my daily life and I am terrorized by the frightening picture of a mean stupid old man cheesh.

    Jim, good luck and Gawker will now be a place I look in more often.

  144. Barcode of the Apocalypse

    [re=589712]Troubledog[/re]: “…spend more time with his family.” !!!! This means Jim Newell fucked Nikki Haley?!!!!!!!!

  145. chascates

    Gaily bedight,
    A gallant knight,
    In sunshine and in shadow,
    Had journeyed long,
    Singing a song,
    In search of Eldorado.
    But he grew old-
    This knight so bold-
    And o’er his heart a shadow
    Fell as he found
    No spot of ground
    That looked like Eldorado.
    And, as his strength
    Failed him at length,
    He met a pilgrim shadow-
    “Shadow,” said he,
    “Where can it be-
    This land of Eldorado?”
    “Over the Mountains
    Of the Moon,
    Down the Valley of the Shadow,
    Ride, boldly ride,”
    The shade replied-
    “If you seek for Eldorado!”

  146. obfuscator

    master james, i wish you the bestest of luck over at gawker. i’m a semi-regular commenter* there and i am very much looking forward to enjoying your poop(jokes).

    *please don’t take my star when you get there. it’s all i have. IT’S ALL I HAVE.

  147. progressiveinga

    Love you. Mean it. Don’t go changin’. And COMPLETE THE DANGED FENCE! Also.

  148. Johnny Zhivago

    You mean this isn’t a gardening site?

    Gootheth Lucketh Jimmeth – thanks for all the laughs!

  149. TJBeck

    I will forgive you for leaving when you figure out who or what Al Gore fucked, ending his marriage. Goodbye, Jim.

  150. lawrenceofthedesert

    And all I could think was, “If he’s writing at home for Wonkette and then will be writing at home for Gawker, can we as journalists really call that
    ‘moving on’”? Maybe it’s “virtually moving on,” which sounds like a disco re-mix of a very good Merle Travis cut (if that isn’t journalism poop, I don’t know what is). Hey, good luck, especially since you aren’t going to work for Thompson and becoming The Other Fred and Ginger.

  151. dedalus

    Urban Dictionary: “starting at Gawker (Gah-kher)”

    A euphemistic expression among hipsters for a sudden descent into tawdry fornication.

    An updated version of the old trope “taking a hike on the Appalachian Trail.”

    Example of usage: That motherfucker Jim and my mother each left notes on their blogs that they are starting at Gawker next week.

  152. Edywin

    [re=589813]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Hey I loved him in “The Seven Year Itch” With Marilyn Monroe. Wow, how gay can you be to not bop that old ho anyway, huh?

  153. lulzmonger

    The cruelty, the bile, the tastelessness – all sweet melodies from a voice beloved by millions. You’ll be missed, at least until everyone forgets you … so, yeah, I give it about two weeks.

    The series of tubes that is not a big truck is hollower than usual after today.

  154. user-of-owls

    What, pray tell, will become of us “dizzy children” now? Who will so carefully tend the “proudly idiotic” flock now?

    Also, I know this is an important part of American history, but this is really disturbing. I wish you had chosen another image.

  155. hotdog

    [re=590065]vag[/re]: Jesus Fucking Christ, I scrolled through 200+ comments to make sure nobody else had just said a simple “bye,” and now this happens. Sorry.

  156. facehead

    [re=590049]Blender[/re]: TOO SOON!

    [re=590062]Ripley_in_CT[/re]: TOO LATE!

    GOOD LUCK AT TMZ JIMBO!

    BRING BACK CRYSTAL TRUCK NUTZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  157. Crank Tango

    [re=590068]hotdog[/re]: [re=590065]vag[/re]: isn’t this awkward… hotdog, vag. vag, hotdog.

  158. Historysnuff

    Tonight we are all Jim Newell.

    But forsooth! What brightness in the heavens doth portend for thee in Gawker paradise?
    Say tis so, that your delectable Dame Pegeth fascination doth follow thee in’t.

    You sir, will be missed, but you shall be followed, hopefully not by the NSA.

  159. bago

    So I guess hotdog and vag will soon be “staring at Gawker” together. Dangle those trucknutz with pride at the new blog. Trucknutz.

  160. bago

    [re=590083]Sharkey[/re]: Yeah. I bet some commenters will probably keep commenting on this thread, jostling for the coveted “Last post on Jim’s last post” award.

  161. joementum

    [re=590080]Jim Newell[/re]: WTF, that jealous Ken Layne (Walnuts neighbour!) top posts over your last and final posting just to steal valuable page views (that and jealousy) in the middle of the night.

    Hey, shouldn’t your “account” be inactive by now?

  162. Cranky Little Camperette

    Best of luck, man. As you can see, we’re sure gonna miss you around here.

  163. Lascauxcaveman

    Jimmy,

    You saved all the best jokes for the commenters, and we thank you for that.

    For the amusingly original pejoratives you assigned to random political assholes who totally had it coming, we thank you for that.

    For every word about Peggington Nooningshire, written in high parodic dudgeon, (your crowning achievement), we thank you for that.

    For the moments of bitter, bitter, bile and pointing a cruel, accusing finger at the vile toadies and agents evil and mammon so that we might have direction to vent our righteous hatred – lest we go insane in an insane world – we thank you for that.

    For ditching Wonkette to get a slightly bigger paycheck on a site that mawkishly mocks low hanging fruit like Lindsay Lohan and, I dunno, Simon Crowell (? Sp.?), eh not so much. Fuck you anyway, jerk.

    But! What the hey, it’s all about personal growth, right? For some reason I’m a starred (?!?) commenter over on Gawker, (hearts, flowers, stars, Unicorns; that Gawker style shit is so gay). So WTF, maybe I’ll just go over there and make poop jokes until you are forced to banhammer me. No, for reals, I’m going to to try to read your shit over there (tell Nick) but I just don’t see it working out. I mean, have you ever actually read teh Gawker?

    Tonight I’m hoisting a Wonkette-approved bourbon+rocks in your memory, but it just tastes like that bitter, bitter bile.

    (*snif*)

    Lascauxcaveman

    (Oh, Neillist? Can we have a 21-gun salute now? You can shoot them all yourself; just aim at the ground this time, ‘k?)

  164. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=589991]Jamie Sommers[/re]: Don’t leave Jamie, even a once in a blue moon post from you is better than none. Plus, look how many of the old gang show up today.

    [re=590080]Jim Newell[/re]: Aren’t you supposed to be gone? Leave us to our drunken morning. It is not like this is about you.

  165. Rachel Ray Jihad

    Make sure you fly to California to leave Layne an upper-decker! I shall miss you most of all, little ginger manchild. :(

  166. jennx

    Ya, Fuck David Denby. Your Peggington reviews were gold. They sit brightly alongside all your other golds. I’m so bummed you’re going. I have 5 sites, Gawker isn’t one of them, and I don’t want to go to any others. Sigh. But I’ll go to Gawker.

  167. Captain Swing

    No more Newell blingees…

    All of Australia haz the sadz today.

    Cheers, mate!

  168. LOLqat

    [re=589974]Terry[/re]: Um, it’s “iz-Lay ecton-Bay” I’m guessing he’s referring to.

    Jim, you’re a genius and you’ve brightened many a dark day. If they hurt you over there at the gay people version of Newsmax, you just let us know. We’ll write them nonsensical emails about morans, muslins, and trucknutz until they treat you right.

    Say hi to Ana Marie Cox, Pareene, and the rest over there in Wonkette Valhalla.

  169. Dreamer

    Jim, you will be missed. Thanks for your righties rants, especially getting us through the never ending primary. Good luck at this Gawker thing.

  170. memzilla

    Thanks for the keyboarding, you big ginger goof, you’ve helped keep all of us sane. Don’t drink all of your “severance package” at one sitting!

  171. Way Cool Larry

    [re=590071]hotdog[/re]: funny– but try the search option next time, it’s quicker!

  172. ServiceJervixJuice

    Thanks Jim, those bathroom goblins aren’t worthy to shine your shoes.

  173. LindsayBluth

    Never getting to read another Noonan recap is kind of like how my grandpa died and I’ll never get to see him again. Not completely the same, but mostly.

    You’ll be missed.

  174. NopantsMcGee

    I feel like they should have Bette Midler here, singing some sad ballad and making Jim cry. But, there’s lots of poop-talk instead so it’s kinda the same.

    I laughed like a loon at your stuff, Jim. Almost peed myself on occasion.

    I hope your replacement can succeed in making me completely pee myself right thru my diapers and into my pants. If they can’t. Then I want my money back.

  175. vitamins taken helmet on

    What a bunch of teary-eyed weenies. He left because he hates hates hates us. Thought you would have been used to that by now.

    Good luck Jim! (even though you hates me too).

  176. the cold war makes me hot

    I have something in my eye. Good thing these boobs double as flotation devices.

    Good Luck Newell!

  177. Dicentra

    Gingers are always quitters. That’s why we’re still waiting on the greatest romance novel of our generation, Peggington Nooningtonshire and the Pitch’d Woo.

  178. ericblair

    Bye, Jim. Glad you’re not leaving the intertubes altogether, that would suck cause it’s where I live.

    By the way, the Gawker commentariat isn’t bad either, except WAY TOO obsessed with the teevee and celebrity poop. You will change that.

  179. Marlowe

    GAwker’s gain,
    wonkette’s loss.

    Though the mccain blingee reminds me of the opening of SuperMan (1978) where we get to see the Krypton big heads sentence Sarah York to the Forbidden Zone.

  180. Pop Socket

    You guys at Wonkette/Awl/Gawker just need to quit playing musical chairs so I can keep up. Be seeing you around.

  181. knoxtheharpy

    Jim, I respect your efforts to kiss ass with the boss on the way out, in the likely event that Denton sells Gawker out from under you and you need to come crawling back. HOWEVER, we all know the most importantest personage in Wonkett history is Jessica Cutler.

  182. loquaciousmusic

    I can’t wait for the day when, in about a year and a half, you leave Gawker to write for Jezebel!

  183. smashy smashy

    Congrats on the new gig and thanks for being hilarious in this one. In a good way.

    Related: is McCain’s mom still alive?

  184. Tra

    Dammit! Going to miss your posts so freaking much.

    Will follow/read you anywhere. But not in a stalkerey way! Really!

Comments are closed.