It’s Not Too Late To Buy Newsweek!

by Josh Fruhlinger

If nothing else, you can fire the guy who wrote this

Are you interested in being “part of the national conversation” and owning a still living relic of a bygone publishing ecosystem? Well, you still have a few hours left to put in a bid on Newsweek, if you have a few million dollars lying around. Don’t worry, Kaplan Test Prep’s unprofitable publishing arm will probably take on most of the thing’s debt, just so its high-level officers don’t have to have the experience of spotting the magazine mouldering in a gutter somewhere and thinking “Fuck, do we still publish that?” But believe it or not, you might have some competition for your bid. Who could possibly want this desiccated magazine-corpse?

Well, according to a totally reliable Web site that we just now heard of called the “European Institutional Investor Online Portal,” Christopher Ruddy, publisher of the right-wing tabloid apparently has a plan to do this! It seems like a totally logical thing to happen, since Ruddy is flush with cash from text ads like “Men Report Marriages ‘Revived’ By Pheromones” and “Male Enhancement Exposed – Pilot Tells His Secret” and “Colon Cleansing: Is it Helpful or Harmful?” And now he’ll be able to get important news stories like “Biologists Says Oil Spill Won’t Wipe out Shrimp; Will Instead Make It More Delicious” to the few remaining old people who only read things after they’ve been printed on paper and sent through the U.S. mail.

Anyway, if you do end up beating Ruddy and owning the thing, you’ll of course want to “leverage” the storied “brand” to get your ugly face on “television,” which will help you get “laid.” This can only help make you “money,” right, cogent writer from DailyFinance?

The idea that editors of print publications need to be multi-platform brand ambassadors has gained a lot of currency in the past few years, for fairly obvious reasons: As consumers spend ever less time with print and ever more with digital media, it’s logical to follow them. But merely getting on TV a lot, as a guest on Morning Joe or Charlie Rose or the Meet the Press, is a pursuit with costs but no obvious benefits, at least for so-called “thought leader” magazines that, like Newsweek, depend only to a minimal extent on newsstand sales. When editors and writers are helping TV producers fill their airtime, they may be “sharing their opinions” in “important conversations,” but what they’re not doing is editing or writing or conducting the type of groundbreaking journalism that sparks those conversations.

We would have voted that the “obvious reasons” were more along the lines of “these people are all attention whores,” but whatever, that will work too. Anyway, long story short, buy Newsweek and then turn it into a spank mag, it’ll be hilarious.

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d23 June 2, 2010 at 1:40 pm

I could put in $5… come on.. we can get like $100 in between us. That’s about what it’s worth!

DangerousLiberal June 2, 2010 at 1:43 pm

Jeez, this post is long. Loooong, for the front page and everything. Where’s the jump? If I wanted to read something, I’d actually buy Newsweek, something I’ve not reduced myself to in many years.

Suds McKenzie June 2, 2010 at 1:44 pm

“Colon Cleansing: Is it Helpful or Harmful?” So it would be like a thinking mans Slate.

TGY June 2, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Buck fiddy

SayItWithWookies June 2, 2010 at 1:46 pm

…but what they’re not doing is editing or writing or conducting the type of groundbreaking journalism that sparks those conversations.

And we wouldn’t want to keep Newsweek from being the font of groundbreaking journalism that made it so hot in — um — 1979?

bitchincamaro June 2, 2010 at 1:50 pm

I know of a certain English major who might be looking for a new enterprise.

TGY June 2, 2010 at 1:53 pm

“Biologists Says Oil Spill Won’t Wipe out Shrimp; Will Instead Make It More Delicious”

Shrimpin’ ain’t easy.

Mild Midwesterner June 2, 2010 at 1:54 pm

Is this the magazine that publishes those college rankings?

trondant June 2, 2010 at 1:55 pm

[re=589447]bitchincamaro[/re]: I know of a certain communications major who has a whole buncha money now. Also.

Extemporanus June 2, 2010 at 1:55 pm

If it were called ₪€₩$W€€₭ it might actually be worth something.

chascates June 2, 2010 at 1:56 pm

5 Warning Signs The Rally Could Be Over

You think?

Edsdesk June 2, 2010 at 1:59 pm

I have about 6 bux and 32 cents here….will they throw in AOHell?

Escape Goat Nation June 2, 2010 at 2:02 pm

In an even huger buying story:
Canada’s Couche-Tard, owner of the Circle K inconvenience stores is making a most hostile bid takeover of Casey’s General Stores. Also a chain of inconvenience stores and such. Most known for their shit pizza which is supplied by Piccadilly Circus Pizza.
Which makes me think of London…which does not make me think of pizza. It’s real hard to fuck up Pizza, but Piccadilly Circus Pizza has found a way. Worst Pizza I’ve ever had was in Dublin. True story.
But I digress.
The Couche-Tards have made an offer which is almost a 1% discount to Casey’s Tuesday closing price of $36.34
This is mutherfucking huge!

WadISay June 2, 2010 at 2:06 pm

Wouldn’t it be simpler to just take the money and go into the business of table top covers for dentist office waiting rooms?

Lucidamente June 2, 2010 at 2:11 pm

If Jon Meacham stops going on Morning Joe, who’s gonna keep Mika, uh, happy?

JMP June 2, 2010 at 2:15 pm

If Newsmax does buy Newsweek and turn it into a right-wing propaganda outfit, could anybody notice the difference?

the problem child June 2, 2010 at 2:17 pm

[re=589463]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: But Couche-Tard/ CircleK already has its own awful inconvenience food. I don’t see an upside to this takeover.

actor212 June 2, 2010 at 2:25 pm

I gotta a buck three eighty. Will that buy me George Will?

chaste everywhere June 2, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Hell with Gawker, this is secretly Newell’s next move, yes? No?

plowman June 2, 2010 at 6:30 pm

Twenty bucks and a case of Thunderbird, last offer…

DangerousLiberal June 2, 2010 at 9:51 pm

[re=589463]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: Don’t diss Casey’s pizza, man. You ever been in Ogden Iowa at 10 pm jonesin’ for some ‘za? The frozen shit at the IGA just ain’t gonna cut it. And would you be caught dead leaving something called a “Kum n Go,” or, as the weisenheimers at Iowa State call it, the Ejaculate and Evacuate?

DickRod June 2, 2010 at 10:25 pm

[re=589450]TGY[/re]: It’s hard out here for a shrimp.

lawrenceofthedesert June 2, 2010 at 11:13 pm

Newsweek’s circulation has gone from more than 3 million to 1.5 million in two years, a pretty good impersonation of the Titanic sinking. Maybe Bob Ballard will buy it. Otoh, I didn’t care for their alternate strategy of hiring Hugh Hefner as editor.

zhubajie June 3, 2010 at 2:44 am

[re=589463]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: A professional homeless man I know says that the dumpsters behind Casey’s are great places to get discarded-but-edible pizzas! The ones in the heaters get thrown out and replaced every 2 hours or so. Since Casey’s in BIG in small town Iowa, if you’re doing the RAGBRAI bicycle excursion in the summer, and you don’t want to pay for food, Casey’s dumpsters are real handy. If you’re not squeamish. :-)

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