Does the nomination of simple conservative Alabama businessman Tim James for Governor make sense to you (and by “you” we obviously mean “Alabama Republicans”)? Does it? DOES IT TO YOU? Scientists can’t tell, yet! Some loser named “Bradley Byrne” is in first place, while James and some other dork named “Robert Bentley” are very very close together in second and third. Whoever gets second place goes to a runoff in mid-July. If we get six more weeks of Tim James YouTube hilarity, we promise to believe in you, Space Jesus. Sadly for laff-happy fun-times, gun-toting maniac Dale Peterson will not make it to the primary runoff for ag commissioner. Also, fun Tim James fact: even though he’s a businessman, not a politician, and doesn’t understand your politician ways, and has said this on YouTube a million times, his dad was a politician, and was actually governor of Alabama, and had the baffling name “Fob.” [Montgomery Advertiser, Ibid.]- In other Alabama news, in the Democratic gubernatorial primary, Artur “Arthur” Davis, the black guy who tried to run an “Obama-style” campaign where he didn’t make nice with civil rights groups, got unexpectedly obliterated by the white guy who did. Alabamians either love civil rights group, or love white people, one of the two. [NYT]
- Oh, and Young Boozer! How could we forget Young Boozer! He too has made it to the runoff, for whatever the hell it is he’s running for, in Alabama. [TPM]
- In the New Mexico GOP gubernatorial primary, the Karl Rove-endorsed dude who hates shamnesty lost to the Sarah Palin-endorsed Latina who loves Arizona’s papers-please law. [538]
- Remember less than a year ago, when Yukio Hatoyama became Japanese Prime Minister after breaking the iron grip of the long-ruling Liberal Democratic Party? Well everybody hates him now and he’s quitting in disgust, because Barack Obama wouldn’t shut down the U.S. base on Okinawa no matter how many times the Japanese asked him politely. [Reuters]
IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA
June 2, 2010
{ 43 comments }
Fukin’ Nips, why aren’t they happy with the parts of their poop islands our grandparents let them keep?
Great. Now Dale Peterson is going to shoot his horse.
Wow, State-level electoral politics – in marginally relevant States to boot, how exciting! Can we also get some news about municipal elections? Are there any? Who’s running for what and where? There’s got to be other candidates with funny names and/or skeletons in their closet.
I just hope that the outgoing Prime Minister doesn’t awaken Godzilla from his dormant hibernation and unleash him on our brave boys at Kadena, Fort Buckner, and Camp Smedley Butler. Obama already has a full plate.
We can’t give back Okaynowwhat!Who will bomb Mothra the next time he rears his head? What of Godzilla, still at large somewhere in the Whatthefuckistan sea basin north, south, east and west of Kendo?
Don’t these people remember 1963 when they were all running willy nilly through the streets shouting “Oh No! Gowziwa!” praying to their grandfathers for the US AirForce to come and save their sushimi?
We do because unlike them, we have the History/Sci Fi channel in our basic cable package and therefor get to watch the “Godzilla vs Mothra” documentaries. This, along with all the free internet porn, is the reason I am proud to be an American.
I’m all jittery with anticipation re the Haggard announcement he announced he was going to announce.
Will Dear Wonkette elect to live blog the thing? please?
Alabamians either love civil rights group, or love white people, one of the two.
My Ameros are on the latter.
[re=589037]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: I hadn’t heard of teh Von Mises Institute, but a quick peek show’s that is a seriously real squirrel cage you got there. Anarcho-capitalists, Paultards, paleolibitarians – quite an ensemble. Good luck with that, and Timmy.
It’s all based on who the people of Alabama decides has the most pretty mouth.
Yes, yes. But how did YOUNG BOOZER do?
Hey Dale Peterson, if you don’t get a high enough percentage of the vote, you don’t get the job. BET YOU DIDN’T KNOW THAT!!11!
Look at that face. That guy has yelled “nigger” more times than Katt Williams.
Haha, party switcher Parker Griffith AL-05 gets kicked in the nuts by some teabagger. Try a little butter on that bag of dicks, Parker.
I’m beginning to think most Americans vote the same way I took tests in high school that I didn’t study for…but when I started to see a pattern emerge, I got nervous. I don’t think the electorate looks back, however.
Alabama does produce some good-looking women from time to time. They usually leave the State as soon as possible after puberty. Other than that, I wouldn’t piss on it if it were on fire; and I wish it were.
[re=589081]ThePuckStopsHere[/re]: Then Sheer “Am i An Idiot?” InSannity can again flog the supine equine. The only person on the face of this earth who loves beating a dead horse more than InSannity is his wife.
The most recent election results indicate that Tim James came in third. Looks like to me he lost the election. Does it to yew?
I understand the New Mexico Republican Party has already been promoting their slogan for Susana Martinez: “She’s one of the good ones.”
In other news, the other comedy-monster of the Alabama primaries, gun-weilding maniac Dale Peterson, apparently will [i]not[/i] be the new Commissioner of Farmville for Alabama. Sad!
Young Boozer is running to end prohibition! Wait what? Then Why am I still running rum up from Florida?
[re=589100]WadISay[/re]: It wasn’t just the teabaggers– we democrats turned out in droves to vote in the republican primary to put the final nail in his coffin. He got beat so bad he stayed home and didn’t even attend his sad pity party, and never made a concession speech.
the people of alabama should just shut up and let tim james take them RIGHT TO THE TOP!!!!1
[re=589079]TheGryphon[/re]: Okinawans should perhaps restore their monarchy, renew their relationship with the Son of Heaven.
Well now Hatoyama can finally take that trip to Venus, which his space-traveling wife assures him is lovely this time of the year.
[re=589090]cheeto_jeebus[/re]: He’s getting a sex change in Thailand?!
Evidently the Republican primary for the Agriculture Commissioner and State Treasurer in one of the poorest, rural states is extremely important to U.S. America. As an Alabaman, I never saw any of the TV ads for the Stanford/Wharton School of Business-educated Young Boozer (“Buser” if you are Swiss)or the Ag Commission guy who finished third in the Republican primary. So, as a well-informed voter, I’d like to thank the Internet for bringing them to my attention.
Roy Moore never stood a chance, nor would Tim James if he hadn’t have become an Internet phenomenon.
If America paid the attention to Alabama’s real problems that it pays to our state-wide Republican primaries, Alabama would be a whole let better off.
What’s Mr Alabama think of sex with mules?
I’ve never thought much about it. How is it?
[re=589145]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: I’ve read stories about the corruption and malfeasance that has caused all the problems in Jefferson County on the Internet, I thought those problems were fairly well-publicized.
Sorta O/T, but when I Googled “Alabama corruption,” this 1962 Time article called Armageddon in Alabama came up; it’s about how Phenix City was turning itself around from “Sodom” to a family-friendly town.
Excerpt: “Long before the Civil War, Phenix City became famed as a vice town, populated mostly by crooked gamblers and diseased whores.” Strange to see that in Time.
Other hilarious Alabaman candidates: guy who reminds me of old clarinet lessons, and some woman named Twinkle.
[re=589169]Katydid[/re]: And our corruption is not race-based. The pol at the center of the Jefferson County (Birmingham) fiasco was a black guy in cahoots with New York bond dealers. Until a few weeks ago, when I read Ace Atkins’ novel about Phenix City, I’d never known that story. It was a brutal and vile remnant of what had taken place in many American cities during Prohibition.
Artur Davis riled Alabama’s black political establishment — who has a vested interest in that old scourge of gambling, so when some things change, it may just be a change in the characters.
There’s no Boozer like a Young Boozer.
I hope Japan does not resort to drastic measures to get that base shut down. I don’t think we could survive another tentacle porn & Super Sentai embargo.
When asked if Dale Peterson would continue to give a rip about Alabama in spite of his defeat at the polls, campaign treasurer and spokeshorse, Lady Ro’Tide, “stomped once.”
– “We will clean up Alabama in the Byrne administration,” he said. —
Start with the beaches.
http://tinyurl.com/3yg3n64
So, if James loses, does that mean they DON’T actually speak English in Alabama.
[re=589197]doxastic[/re]: We’re pragmatic. Fifteen years ago a big “Bienvenidos Amigos” sign appeared at a big truck stop near my house, and not far from Timmy’s family’s home.
“Alabamians either love civil rights group, or love white people, one of the two.”
… or can recognize when someone does something pretty foolish. Run in the Alabama Democratic primary and not court the major civil rights and African American groups? Stoooopid.
We’ll try to remain serene and calm
when Alabama gets the bomb.
Who’s next?
Tim James reminds me of the looser brother-in-law that beats your sister when she doesn’t get his beer fast enough, bitch.
In other disappointing news for comedy, Charles Taylor pulled only 1% in the Alabama primary. The former Liberian dictator would have spiced things up big time!
Now Tim James and Dale Peterson can finally consummate their love affair.
[re=589191]Godot[/re]: Now you’ve got me worried. I’ve started stockpiling just in case.
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