iron sharpens iron

Banal Corporate Excellence Cult Looking For Recruits

Get ready to share a bathroom with these pricksFuture and/or current Washingtonians! Are you looking for a shared housing situation in a walkable neighborhood near downtown and the Metro, but aren’t sure if you’ll be able to handle keep a detailed log of all your pooping? Why not live in Revolution House? The name might make you think that you’re going to be earnestly discussing ways to promote Hugo Chavez’s philosophy at home and abroad, but it’s actually “part fraternity, part social club and part the new MBA.” Assuming that those three components don’t sound like a recipe for suicide either in isolation or combination, you might enjoy paying $1700 a month to read Tony Robbins and Dale Carnegie aloud in closely supervised 30-hour “self-education” sessions until you start speaking in tongues.

Every single word in this Craigslist ad soliciting new house residents is comedy gold, but we will just reproduce here the aimless, badly punctuated series of numbered points in which said ad climaxes. This was no doubt carefully crafted by someone who studies the PowerPoint presentations of highly compensated CEOs as if they were the Talmud.

Most importantly, we take care of the small details that can frustrate success.

1. You constantly have high speed internet.
2. Access to unlimited national and international calling.
3. Personal assistant — 20 hours per month of a personal assistant dedicated to you,
4. Weekly discussion groups and meetings, as we work through books.
5. Library of self-help books to include: The Game,” “The Art of Warfare,” “How to get from where you are to where you want to be,” “Outliers,” and “Four-Hour Work Week.”
6. Stretch Limousine. How else would you want to go out on the town? Every Saturday night the group can go out together in our stretch limo. Driver responsibilities rotate amongst the members of the house. If space available, invite your friends along.
7. Giants. Pictures of Washington, Newton, Bonhoeffer, King, Socrates, and the Apostles line the walls. As a constant reminder of greatness.
8. The most important aspect of all is that iron sharpens iron. Being around other motivated, successful people is the key.

Related video

Don’t miss this life-altering opportunity! People who don’t aspire to improve their awesomeness on a six-sigma scale need not apply; haters of comma splices should stay away for their own safety. (Thanks to hero Craigslist-surfer “Abbey” for the tip.)

Related

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

73 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    Hmmmm, no skills except memorizing buzzwords and stupid corpRAT-ese bullshit.
    No knowledge.
    No experience.

    It sounds like execubot training for my now former (bankrupt) employer!

    And we wonder why corpRAT US America is fucked.

  2. Doglessliberal

    So much here…I am wracked with indecision as to where to start. I guess I will just leave it at: “Personal assistant — 20 hours per month of a personal assistant dedicated to you,”

    “Our attentive personal assistants have been trained one-on-one by Mark Foley”

  3. bitchincamaro

    Throw in a personal assistant for the personal assistant and I’ll consider it.

  4. DoktorZoom

    Wow…they have a paperback copy of “Art of War” AND a picture of Washington? Sign me up!

    Also: It’s not limo service if you have to drive. It’s just a big car.

  5. Mild Midwesterner

    “If space available, invite your friends along.”

    My guess is that not a lot of space will be necessary for “friends.”

  6. Doglessliberal

    [re=588311]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: You can also bring personal baggage carriers.

  7. Toonces

    I would rather gouge out my own eyeballs with rusty sharpened spoons than be a part of this group of bumbling self-inflated egotistical fucking idiots.

  8. JMP

    “Part fraternity, part MBA”; so that’s two forms of complete douchebaggery for the price of one! Wait, the list mentions self-help books; that’s three forms of total doucebaggery; what a deal! If we order in the next five minutes, maybe they’ll also throw in a free gallon of Axe body spray!

  9. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    A portrait of Judas Iscariot lines the walls as a constant reminder of greatness.

    And by “King” I assume he means Representative Steven King of Iowa.

  10. PsycGirl

    No Tony Robbins but what about Tom Robbins? I bet group discussions of “Even Cowgirls Get the Blues” would be much interesting, especially being stoned is mandatory for such discussions.

  11. x111e7thst

    For unless my personal assistant is willing to provide sex and foot massages I’m not interested.
    Unless they have really good drugs.

  12. SmutBoffin

    “If you want to start your own charity, drive a cooking-oil fueled diesel engine, and master yoga, we are here. ”

    Now this is just WEIRD.

  13. Doglessliberal

    [re=588322]JMP[/re]: But wait! There’s more! They think a stretch limo is a good thing, and, they use phrases like “iron sharpens iron” and “as a constant reminder of greatness” unironically.

  14. smitallica

    Charles Nelson Reilly read that ad, pulled a cock out of his mouth, and said, “Now THAT’s gay!”

  15. qwerty42

    [re=588310]DoktorZoom[/re]: …Also: It’s not limo service if you have to drive. It’s just a big car.
    You get to drive a stretch limo on the streets of DC. Wow. What could possibly go wrong with that?

  16. bfstevie

    [re=588324]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: No. It’s the King brothers, boxing promoter Don King, and my congressman, Peter “Pete” King.

  17. imissopus

    In partnership with local charities, our members spend at least one Saturday a quarter on a service project

    One Saturday every three months! Ooooo, volunteers of the year!

  18. qwerty42

    [re=588320]Toonces[/re]: I would rather gouge out my own eyeballs with rusty sharpened spoons than be a part of this group of bumbling self-inflated egotistical fucking idiots.
    Sure you say that now. But wait until you get to drive the stretch limo on I-95 at rush hour.

  19. JMP

    “Giants. Pictures of Washington, Newton, Bonhoeffer, King, Socrates, and the Apostles line the walls”

    Hmm, there seems to be something fishy about that list, let me think; oh that’s right, assuming the Apostles existed in the first place, no one has any clue what any of them looked like; we only have images of those people important enough in their lifetimes to have their faces stamped on coins (like say, Socrates) from the ancient world.

    At fist glance the “King” looks like a token nod to diversity, but notice they don’t give first names; this probably refers to Elvis.

  20. dijetlo

    There is a wimmins type person in the photo?
    From that, are we to assume that there will be wimmins type persons in the for-pretend-rented mansion and if so are they of the personal assistant persuasion or is Chip going to be manning the glory hole?

  21. Lascauxcaveman

    The Apostles? Greatness? For reals?

    We can aspire to being drunk and asleep in the garden while the cops come and beat the crap out of our leader and then nail him to a tree?

    Apostolic FAIL.

  22. Dashboard_Buddha

    If “iron sharpens iron”, why do they use sharpening STONES to put an edge on that (gay) blade?

  23. Toonces

    This entire thing is bothering me more and more… So it’s a group of (likely) white already-wealthy guys in they late 20′s whose apparent goal in life is to band together with similar-minded white men to ruthlessly drive themselves to even more wealth and social status?

    What if you wanted to join this group, and your “big goal” was to help eradicate the scourge of HIV in the black community in DC. Let’s see… that’s a pretty selfless goal compared to fucking “Drive a Ferrari”.

    OK, I gotta stop – my blood is boiling.

  24. Simba B

    1. You constantly have high speed internet.

    My experience is that that, right there, frustrates success.

  25. Baby who ate the Dingo

    Was this written by Joel Osteen? ‘Cause I’m mad at him. He said Jeebus wants me to drive a Mercedes, so I went and jacked one up off Foxhall Rd. Well, you know a brutha is gonna get busted drivin’ a Mercedes, or any car, even if Jeebus said so. Jeebus, now I’m goin’ to jail!

  26. WindbagCity

    I nominate “As a constant reminder of greatness.” (the full stop is key) to be the new “Also.”. I just need to think of an example…

  27. Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=588369]WindbagCity[/re]: Your comment is a constant reminder of greatness!

  28. meufchelou

    “Access to unlimited national and international calling.”

    WOW, Is that a real land line or do I just get to borrow the cell of one of my iron sharpened roomies?

  29. Lake Affected

    “If you want to be lazy, watch tv, and be content with the scraps society/govt/big business throws you, this is not for you.”

    Mmmm. Television. Laziness. And scraps…delicious scraps.

  30. the problem child

    “There is an application process where we vet applicants to make sure it’s the right solution for everybody.”

    And they’re fucking advertising on Craigslist with this illiterate garbage? I don’t think so. Sounds like a Palin grift to me.

  31. krinkn

    “improve their awesomeness on a six-sigma scale” ewww..having had to sit through six-sigma training I can testify that it does not improve one’s ‘awesomeness’ one degree.

  32. comicbookguy

    [re=588369]WindbagCity[/re]: If I think of an example, I will post it for all to see. As a constant reminder of greatness.

  33. RoscoePColtraine

    “Respect the cock! Tame the cunt!”

    Soon we won’t know where parody ends and reality begins.

  34. WindbagCity

    [re=588383]comicbookguy[/re]: I like it. Almost as much as how Sarah Palin always drags Trig around to her interminable speaking engagements. As a constant reminder of greatness.

  35. RoscoePColtraine

    Sir Isaac Newton would totally rock that stretch limo each weekend. You know he would. Come on.

  36. Tundra Grifter

    [re=588310]DoktorZoom[/re]: No – it’s the “Art of Warfare.” There’s a difference.

    Isn’t there?

    Either the person who wrote this ad can’t copy book titles, or it suffers from translation.

  37. Pat Pending

    I too wish to get in shape and pursue entrepreneurialism. But if I have to hang with douchebags like this, bring on the Funyuns and the pay-per-view.

  38. UncleTom

    Sounds like it would be perfect for a in-the-closet recent grad with wealthy parents who wants to get into Republican politics.

    Hap: Dude you are totally ripped, how often do you work out
    Bif: I hit the gym every day but Sunday, because of God and you-know church-n-stuff
    Hap: Wanna come up to my suite and get a massage from my personal assistant
    Bif: Yo dude, your assistant is a chick, lets go to my place instead
    Hap: Does your boy-friday still have his senate page outfit.
    Bif: Yep… We can like role-play as Senators. I can slip him my big-ol “defense spending bill” to deliver so you can “authorize it”
    Hap: Kewl…see you in 10.

  39. cheaphits

    What a wuss magnet!!! The downside (really one of many) would be the need for vaginal tightening procedures after a few weeks stay.

  40. McDuff

    “7. Giants. Pictures of Washington, Newton, Bonhoeffer, King, Socrates, and the Apostles line the walls. As a constant reminder of greatness.”

    With the exception of Washington (who did put his ass on the line) and Newton, didn’t most of the rest die for what they believed? One million Quatloos to the first resident of Revolution House that signs up for military service (including the fairly safe U.S. Coast Guard) or the Peace Corps. Wanna bet a buck that I’ll be keeping my Quatloos?

  41. The Unfairman

    Actually, stone sharpens iron.

    “It is a physical fact that iron does not sharpen iron. No material is sharpened with the same substance. In order to sharpen anything the parent medal must be cut away, leaving the edge. The tool used to cut another must be harder than that which is to be cut. If it is not it will not penetrate the material. It will only rub against it, generating heat in the process.”

    http://astudent.wordpress.com/2007/03/29/iron-sharpens-iron/

    My guess is they just want to rub their irons against each other, which will generate heat.

  42. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    Somebody please apply for this thing and take pictures at the interview. Lots and lots of pictures, please. I need to put a face on the douchebag.

  43. Baby who ate the Dingo

    [re=588440]McDuff[/re]: Yeah, sure they won’t do the Army Navy AirForce Marines or Coast Guard (or probably even the Rightguard) but what about the other two Uniformed Services that were so spectacularly forgotten yesterday? NO ONE MENTIONED the Uniformed Public Health Service, or my favorite, the NOAA National Weather Service. Really. Bob Ryan and Doug Hill with Guns, you lousy ungrateful sunzabitches, always raggin’ on our forecast! I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU ALL AND IT AIN’T THE HUMIDITY!

    Remember, kids, ‘roid rage and weather do not mix.

  44. comicbookguy

    [re=588399]WindbagCity[/re]: We will keep a written record of our bowel movements, and post it on the bathroom door. As a constant reminder of greatness.

  45. Barcode of the Apocalypse

    Ugh! Sounds like the basis for a new “Billionaire Boys’ Club” Ponzi/murder scam.

  46. Jim89048

    Will I have to use my personal assistant 5 hours a week, or can I use him/her for 20 consecutive hours? You know damn well I ain’t gonna stand in line all night to get my concert tickets, right?

  47. Jukesgrrl

    [re=588525]canadasteve[/re]: The Apostles are probably Ron and Rand. The Ayn requires no photo; she is in their hearts and minds at all times.

    Unless it really IS the Apostles, in which case I call, “C Street!”

  48. Mad Farmer Manifest

    Iron does not sharpen iron. Stones sharpen iron. But either stones or iron can be used to beat the brains out of wanna-be corporate fucktards.

  49. Dolmance

    You forgot to mention that they have fun, and are often seen wearing togas and running on all fours throughout the neighborhood.

  50. Dolmance

    Well, quite clearly certain bowel movements are more memorable than others, so it pays to write a journal. For instance, having a bowel movement on a glass table is far more notable than say, lighting a cigarette and grabbing a newspaper and heading for the can, unless you’re on the bowl reading about some huge news item that went down while you were asleep, like maybe the World Trade Center buildings coming down. Personally, I don’t think I can remember a single bowel movement I’ve ever had, and it can’t have been more than a day since the last one. And so I think I’m going to start writing them down. It’s a good idea. Something to leave my children, who by the way I toilet trained in infancy by giving them a cigarette and a newspaper and letting them go do their thing in a safe, natural sort of way.

    Peace… God bless…

Comments are closed.