IRON SHARPENS IRON  11:36 am June 1, 2010

Banal Corporate Excellence Cult Looking For Recruits

by Josh Fruhlinger

Get ready to share a bathroom with these pricksFuture and/or current Washingtonians! Are you looking for a shared housing situation in a walkable neighborhood near downtown and the Metro, but aren’t sure if you’ll be able to handle keep a detailed log of all your pooping? Why not live in Revolution House? The name might make you think that you’re going to be earnestly discussing ways to promote Hugo Chavez’s philosophy at home and abroad, but it’s actually “part fraternity, part social club and part the new MBA.” Assuming that those three components don’t sound like a recipe for suicide either in isolation or combination, you might enjoy paying $1700 a month to read Tony Robbins and Dale Carnegie aloud in closely supervised 30-hour “self-education” sessions until you start speaking in tongues.

Every single word in this Craigslist ad soliciting new house residents is comedy gold, but we will just reproduce here the aimless, badly punctuated series of numbered points in which said ad climaxes. This was no doubt carefully crafted by someone who studies the PowerPoint presentations of highly compensated CEOs as if they were the Talmud.

Most importantly, we take care of the small details that can frustrate success.

1. You constantly have high speed internet.
2. Access to unlimited national and international calling.
3. Personal assistant — 20 hours per month of a personal assistant dedicated to you,
4. Weekly discussion groups and meetings, as we work through books.
5. Library of self-help books to include: The Game,” “The Art of Warfare,” “How to get from where you are to where you want to be,” “Outliers,” and “Four-Hour Work Week.”
6. Stretch Limousine. How else would you want to go out on the town? Every Saturday night the group can go out together in our stretch limo. Driver responsibilities rotate amongst the members of the house. If space available, invite your friends along.
7. Giants. Pictures of Washington, Newton, Bonhoeffer, King, Socrates, and the Apostles line the walls. As a constant reminder of greatness.
8. The most important aspect of all is that iron sharpens iron. Being around other motivated, successful people is the key.

Don’t miss this life-altering opportunity! People who don’t aspire to improve their awesomeness on a six-sigma scale need not apply; haters of comma splices should stay away for their own safety. (Thanks to hero Craigslist-surfer “Abbey” for the tip.)

 
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{ 73 comments }

Way Cool Larry June 1, 2010 at 11:39 am

as long as there is free Kool-Aid, I’m in!

Way Cool Larry June 1, 2010 at 11:42 am

sounds like an awesome opportunity for group butt-secks!

ManchuCandidate June 1, 2010 at 11:43 am

Hmmmm, no skills except memorizing buzzwords and stupid corpRAT-ese bullshit.
No knowledge.
No experience.

It sounds like execubot training for my now former (bankrupt) employer!

And we wonder why corpRAT US America is fucked.

Doglessliberal June 1, 2010 at 11:43 am

So much here…I am wracked with indecision as to where to start. I guess I will just leave it at: “Personal assistant — 20 hours per month of a personal assistant dedicated to you,”

“Our attentive personal assistants have been trained one-on-one by Mark Foley”

bitchincamaro June 1, 2010 at 11:43 am

Throw in a personal assistant for the personal assistant and I’ll consider it.

DoktorZoom June 1, 2010 at 11:44 am

Wow…they have a paperback copy of “Art of War” AND a picture of Washington? Sign me up!

Also: It’s not limo service if you have to drive. It’s just a big car.

Mild Midwesterner June 1, 2010 at 11:44 am

“If space available, invite your friends along.”

My guess is that not a lot of space will be necessary for “friends.”

chascates June 1, 2010 at 11:44 am

Amway?

weejee June 1, 2010 at 11:44 am

amongst??? – must be a fucking Brit.

badgerworks June 1, 2010 at 11:45 am

Do they play softball on Saturdays against the C Street House?

Doglessliberal June 1, 2010 at 11:45 am

[re=588311]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: You can also bring personal baggage carriers.

Baldar T Flagass June 1, 2010 at 11:46 am

Is this show going to be on the MTV fall lineup?

Toonces June 1, 2010 at 11:47 am

I would rather gouge out my own eyeballs with rusty sharpened spoons than be a part of this group of bumbling self-inflated egotistical fucking idiots.

doxastic June 1, 2010 at 11:47 am

It’s hard to make me feel sorry for Socrates, but they’ve gone and done it.

JMP June 1, 2010 at 11:49 am

“Part fraternity, part MBA”; so that’s two forms of complete douchebaggery for the price of one! Wait, the list mentions self-help books; that’s three forms of total doucebaggery; what a deal! If we order in the next five minutes, maybe they’ll also throw in a free gallon of Axe body spray!

V572625694 June 1, 2010 at 11:50 am

MBA-level skill apparently not required: parallel structure in lists.

SlouchingTowardsWasilla June 1, 2010 at 11:50 am

A portrait of Judas Iscariot lines the walls as a constant reminder of greatness.

And by “King” I assume he means Representative Steven King of Iowa.

Joshua Norton June 1, 2010 at 11:51 am

Does the “personal assistant” know about “happy endings”?

PsycGirl June 1, 2010 at 11:52 am

No Tony Robbins but what about Tom Robbins? I bet group discussions of “Even Cowgirls Get the Blues” would be much interesting, especially being stoned is mandatory for such discussions.

x111e7thst June 1, 2010 at 11:52 am

For unless my personal assistant is willing to provide sex and foot massages I’m not interested.
Unless they have really good drugs.

SmutBoffin June 1, 2010 at 11:53 am

“If you want to start your own charity, drive a cooking-oil fueled diesel engine, and master yoga, we are here. ”

Now this is just WEIRD.

Doglessliberal June 1, 2010 at 11:54 am

[re=588322]JMP[/re]: But wait! There’s more! They think a stretch limo is a good thing, and, they use phrases like “iron sharpens iron” and “as a constant reminder of greatness” unironically.

smitallica June 1, 2010 at 11:54 am

Charles Nelson Reilly read that ad, pulled a cock out of his mouth, and said, “Now THAT’s gay!”

qwerty42 June 1, 2010 at 11:54 am

[re=588310]DoktorZoom[/re]: …Also: It’s not limo service if you have to drive. It’s just a big car.
You get to drive a stretch limo on the streets of DC. Wow. What could possibly go wrong with that?

bfstevie June 1, 2010 at 11:56 am

[re=588324]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: No. It’s the King brothers, boxing promoter Don King, and my congressman, Peter “Pete” King.

dr.giraud June 1, 2010 at 11:56 am

iron sharpens iron = plenty of swordsmanship

freakishlystrong June 1, 2010 at 11:58 am

Real World-Douchebaggia

Oldskool June 1, 2010 at 11:58 am

9. We close out the week watching “Mad Men”.

imissopus June 1, 2010 at 11:58 am

In partnership with local charities, our members spend at least one Saturday a quarter on a service project

One Saturday every three months! Ooooo, volunteers of the year!

qwerty42 June 1, 2010 at 12:01 pm

[re=588320]Toonces[/re]: I would rather gouge out my own eyeballs with rusty sharpened spoons than be a part of this group of bumbling self-inflated egotistical fucking idiots.
Sure you say that now. But wait until you get to drive the stretch limo on I-95 at rush hour.

JMP June 1, 2010 at 12:03 pm

“Giants. Pictures of Washington, Newton, Bonhoeffer, King, Socrates, and the Apostles line the walls”

Hmm, there seems to be something fishy about that list, let me think; oh that’s right, assuming the Apostles existed in the first place, no one has any clue what any of them looked like; we only have images of those people important enough in their lifetimes to have their faces stamped on coins (like say, Socrates) from the ancient world.

At fist glance the “King” looks like a token nod to diversity, but notice they don’t give first names; this probably refers to Elvis.

dijetlo June 1, 2010 at 12:03 pm

There is a wimmins type person in the photo?
From that, are we to assume that there will be wimmins type persons in the for-pretend-rented mansion and if so are they of the personal assistant persuasion or is Chip going to be manning the glory hole?

Lascauxcaveman June 1, 2010 at 12:06 pm

The Apostles? Greatness? For reals?

We can aspire to being drunk and asleep in the garden while the cops come and beat the crap out of our leader and then nail him to a tree?

Apostolic FAIL.

JMP June 1, 2010 at 12:07 pm

[re=588335]Doglessliberal[/re]: This should play every Saturday night these guys go out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDCPK4MiolQ

[re=588344]Oldskool[/re]: Something tells me they like to watch “Wall Street” and think it praises their kind.

Dashboard_Buddha June 1, 2010 at 12:10 pm

If “iron sharpens iron”, why do they use sharpening STONES to put an edge on that (gay) blade?

Toonces June 1, 2010 at 12:11 pm

This entire thing is bothering me more and more… So it’s a group of (likely) white already-wealthy guys in they late 20′s whose apparent goal in life is to band together with similar-minded white men to ruthlessly drive themselves to even more wealth and social status?

What if you wanted to join this group, and your “big goal” was to help eradicate the scourge of HIV in the black community in DC. Let’s see… that’s a pretty selfless goal compared to fucking “Drive a Ferrari”.

OK, I gotta stop – my blood is boiling.

Ducksworthy June 1, 2010 at 12:12 pm

Socrates and the Apostles Rocks!

Simba B June 1, 2010 at 12:13 pm

1. You constantly have high speed internet.

My experience is that that, right there, frustrates success.

S.Luggo June 1, 2010 at 12:14 pm

Is the house still under double secret suspension?

S.Luggo June 1, 2010 at 12:20 pm

Food fight!!!

Baby who ate the Dingo June 1, 2010 at 12:26 pm

Was this written by Joel Osteen? ‘Cause I’m mad at him. He said Jeebus wants me to drive a Mercedes, so I went and jacked one up off Foxhall Rd. Well, you know a brutha is gonna get busted drivin’ a Mercedes, or any car, even if Jeebus said so. Jeebus, now I’m goin’ to jail!

WindbagCity June 1, 2010 at 12:27 pm

I nominate “As a constant reminder of greatness.” (the full stop is key) to be the new “Also.”. I just need to think of an example…

Dashboard_Buddha June 1, 2010 at 12:30 pm

[re=588369]WindbagCity[/re]: Your comment is a constant reminder of greatness!

meufchelou June 1, 2010 at 12:31 pm

“Access to unlimited national and international calling.”

WOW, Is that a real land line or do I just get to borrow the cell of one of my iron sharpened roomies?

Lake Affected June 1, 2010 at 12:32 pm

“If you want to be lazy, watch tv, and be content with the scraps society/govt/big business throws you, this is not for you.”

Mmmm. Television. Laziness. And scraps…delicious scraps.

the problem child June 1, 2010 at 12:33 pm

“There is an application process where we vet applicants to make sure it’s the right solution for everybody.”

And they’re fucking advertising on Craigslist with this illiterate garbage? I don’t think so. Sounds like a Palin grift to me.

krinkn June 1, 2010 at 12:33 pm

“improve their awesomeness on a six-sigma scale” ewww..having had to sit through six-sigma training I can testify that it does not improve one’s ‘awesomeness’ one degree.

comicbookguy June 1, 2010 at 12:34 pm

[re=588369]WindbagCity[/re]: If I think of an example, I will post it for all to see. As a constant reminder of greatness.

RoscoePColtraine June 1, 2010 at 12:39 pm

“Respect the cock! Tame the cunt!”

Soon we won’t know where parody ends and reality begins.

WindbagCity June 1, 2010 at 12:43 pm

[re=588383]comicbookguy[/re]: I like it. Almost as much as how Sarah Palin always drags Trig around to her interminable speaking engagements. As a constant reminder of greatness.

RoscoePColtraine June 1, 2010 at 12:44 pm

Sir Isaac Newton would totally rock that stretch limo each weekend. You know he would. Come on.

Sharkey June 1, 2010 at 12:53 pm

Any pictures of Zenu and/or Hubbard?

Tundra Grifter June 1, 2010 at 12:53 pm

[re=588310]DoktorZoom[/re]: No – it’s the “Art of Warfare.” There’s a difference.

Isn’t there?

Either the person who wrote this ad can’t copy book titles, or it suffers from translation.

Pat Pending June 1, 2010 at 12:53 pm

I too wish to get in shape and pursue entrepreneurialism. But if I have to hang with douchebags like this, bring on the Funyuns and the pay-per-view.

Tundra Grifter June 1, 2010 at 12:54 pm

[re=588316]badgerworks[/re]: Kickball? Maybe. Dodgeball? I’m in.

UncleTom June 1, 2010 at 12:54 pm

Sounds like it would be perfect for a in-the-closet recent grad with wealthy parents who wants to get into Republican politics.

Hap: Dude you are totally ripped, how often do you work out
Bif: I hit the gym every day but Sunday, because of God and you-know church-n-stuff
Hap: Wanna come up to my suite and get a massage from my personal assistant
Bif: Yo dude, your assistant is a chick, lets go to my place instead
Hap: Does your boy-friday still have his senate page outfit.
Bif: Yep… We can like role-play as Senators. I can slip him my big-ol “defense spending bill” to deliver so you can “authorize it”
Hap: Kewl…see you in 10.

cheaphits June 1, 2010 at 1:08 pm

What a wuss magnet!!! The downside (really one of many) would be the need for vaginal tightening procedures after a few weeks stay.

McDuff June 1, 2010 at 1:11 pm

“7. Giants. Pictures of Washington, Newton, Bonhoeffer, King, Socrates, and the Apostles line the walls. As a constant reminder of greatness.”

With the exception of Washington (who did put his ass on the line) and Newton, didn’t most of the rest die for what they believed? One million Quatloos to the first resident of Revolution House that signs up for military service (including the fairly safe U.S. Coast Guard) or the Peace Corps. Wanna bet a buck that I’ll be keeping my Quatloos?

The Unfairman June 1, 2010 at 1:15 pm

Actually, stone sharpens iron.

“It is a physical fact that iron does not sharpen iron. No material is sharpened with the same substance. In order to sharpen anything the parent medal must be cut away, leaving the edge. The tool used to cut another must be harder than that which is to be cut. If it is not it will not penetrate the material. It will only rub against it, generating heat in the process.”

http://astudent.wordpress.com/2007/03/29/iron-sharpens-iron/

My guess is they just want to rub their irons against each other, which will generate heat.

SlouchingTowardsWasilla June 1, 2010 at 1:26 pm

Somebody please apply for this thing and take pictures at the interview. Lots and lots of pictures, please. I need to put a face on the douchebag.

Baby who ate the Dingo June 1, 2010 at 1:36 pm

[re=588440]McDuff[/re]: Yeah, sure they won’t do the Army Navy AirForce Marines or Coast Guard (or probably even the Rightguard) but what about the other two Uniformed Services that were so spectacularly forgotten yesterday? NO ONE MENTIONED the Uniformed Public Health Service, or my favorite, the NOAA National Weather Service. Really. Bob Ryan and Doug Hill with Guns, you lousy ungrateful sunzabitches, always raggin’ on our forecast! I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU ALL AND IT AIN’T THE HUMIDITY!

Remember, kids, ‘roid rage and weather do not mix.

Mr Blifil June 1, 2010 at 1:50 pm

That whole limo section just smells like gay orgy to me.

canadasteve June 1, 2010 at 2:05 pm

What, no picture of Ayn Rand? Forget it.

comicbookguy June 1, 2010 at 2:09 pm

[re=588399]WindbagCity[/re]: We will keep a written record of our bowel movements, and post it on the bathroom door. As a constant reminder of greatness.

WindbagCity June 1, 2010 at 2:33 pm

[re=588531]comicbookguy[/re]: A+

Barcode of the Apocalypse June 1, 2010 at 2:57 pm

Ugh! Sounds like the basis for a new “Billionaire Boys’ Club” Ponzi/murder scam.

Jim89048 June 1, 2010 at 4:17 pm

Will I have to use my personal assistant 5 hours a week, or can I use him/her for 20 consecutive hours? You know damn well I ain’t gonna stand in line all night to get my concert tickets, right?

Jukesgrrl June 1, 2010 at 5:03 pm

[re=588525]canadasteve[/re]: The Apostles are probably Ron and Rand. The Ayn requires no photo; she is in their hearts and minds at all times.

Unless it really IS the Apostles, in which case I call, “C Street!”

Mad Farmer Manifest June 1, 2010 at 8:23 pm

Iron does not sharpen iron. Stones sharpen iron. But either stones or iron can be used to beat the brains out of wanna-be corporate fucktards.

Sharkey June 1, 2010 at 10:41 pm

“Four-Hour Work Week”.

Ring any bells, Josh?

Dolmance June 2, 2010 at 12:54 am

You forgot to mention that they have fun, and are often seen wearing togas and running on all fours throughout the neighborhood.

Tube City June 2, 2010 at 1:00 am

Weren’t the Apostles a clique of gay guys at Cambridge?

Dolmance June 2, 2010 at 1:04 am

Well, quite clearly certain bowel movements are more memorable than others, so it pays to write a journal. For instance, having a bowel movement on a glass table is far more notable than say, lighting a cigarette and grabbing a newspaper and heading for the can, unless you’re on the bowl reading about some huge news item that went down while you were asleep, like maybe the World Trade Center buildings coming down. Personally, I don’t think I can remember a single bowel movement I’ve ever had, and it can’t have been more than a day since the last one. And so I think I’m going to start writing them down. It’s a good idea. Something to leave my children, who by the way I toilet trained in infancy by giving them a cigarette and a newspaper and letting them go do their thing in a safe, natural sort of way.

Peace… God bless…

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