BP Apologizes For Ruining Your Three-Day Weekend (and the Earth)

Happy Memorial Day, Americans! (Because of the Constitution, you are the only people on the planet to have a day honoring your soldiers, so enjoy it! Foreigners just coldeattheir war casualties, "to avenge the fallen.") And don't turn on the news radio or look at the Internet, except for the usual porn and pizza orders, because baby it's bad out there. FOR EXAMPLE: You know that "top kill" oil spill thing nobody reallybelievedwas working even though we had Hope, for a little while, on Friday? Yeah, the BP guy apologized. He's totally sorry. The new "fix" probably won't work, either -- and it might increase the bleeding crude "by as much as 20%." But August might be different, so hold on for August.

TheLA Timesreports:

BP's plan to sever a leaking pipe as part of an effort to cap its runaway well in the Gulf of Mexico could increase flow by as much as 20%, and the oil giant has no remedy to stop up the well until August, Obama administration and company officials said Sunday.

But at least BP feels bad:  

BP's CEO said Sunday he's sorry for the largest oil spill in U.S. history and the "massive disruption" it has caused the Gulf Coast, telling reporters the company hopes to corral most of the crude offshore.

"The first thing to say is I'm sorry," Tony Hayward said when asked what he would tell people in Louisiana, where heavy oil has already reached parts of the state's southeastern marshes.

"We're sorry for the massive disruption it's caused their lives. There's no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back."

"I would like my life back."Ha ha, so never mind, what he means is that he's sorry for theinconvenience,to his life. Could you people please give this man his nice life back? He's a global oil executive, not a common slob. [ CNN ]