Barack Obama is down in Louisiana near the abandoned beaches and marshes soaked in oil and murder. He has a little podium set up near some rocks, protecting him from the oil and mud and dead animals and unemployment. Let’s see what he has to say, if he ever talks! We hear that he’s going to throw some money at gulf coast people. Hooray!
3:00 — OBAMA’S COMING OUT. It looks so hot out there. Oh good god, he has Charlie Crist on one side, David Vitter on the other. Is it possible for Obama to get out of this situation without a brutal gangbang?
3:00 — Admiral Thad Allen has told him about the progress of OPERATION TOP KILL. The plug is doing “okay.” Regrettably, an entire coastal economy has been destroyed for generations. A local mayor just told Obama a story about how no one can pay a mortgage or for food. And then the oil spill happened!
3:01 — Ha ha Vitter moved out of the picture, can’t be seen with the black during primary season.
3:02 — Obama says he has unleashed millions of boats and shit to stop the oil from gettin’ all up in everyone’s business. He has also told Adm. Allen that he will get whatever he needs — HANDOUTS — to fix this awful situation. Welfare queen.
3:03 — Oooh, did you know that Energy Sec. Chu has won the Nobel Prize??? Oh, right, you did, because the administration won’t shut up about it. Can Steven Chu plug the oil hole with his fucking Norwegian Medal? That and a few golf balls and… well, maybe?
3:03 — The White House and SBA will try to help provide liquidity to people down there holding loans. Just go on the Internet and type in “dscc.org/donate” and it will take you to the, uhh, small business loan thing for Louisianans, yeah…
3:04 — There is a terrorist seagull who won’t shut up. Racist.
3:05 — Obama says THE BUCK STOPS WITH ME, I AM PRESIDENT. He is Taking Ownership, a phrase pundits like to use for nothing in particular.
3:06 — Seriously someone needs to pour some oil on that seagull. Throw some orange crude right up at that actual flying fuck’s wings, sell it to rednecks, don’t ask any questions.
3:07 — Obama is trying so many things, to stop this. Everything. EVERYTHING. Why can’t he just *fix* it though? the pundits will ask.
3:09 — Obama knows that people on the Gulf Coast have been through their Fair Share of death and constant destruction. He promises to “be there” whenever the cameras leave. The rednecks will not be happy to hear this.
3:10 — Ha ha Haley Barbour didn’t show up, because he’s not a SOCIALIST. Jindal, Vitter, whoever is the governor of Alabama — all socialists.
3:11 — Well that’s over. Chuck Todd (who got a free vacation for this!) says that the presser was delayed 90 minutes because everyone was spending time venting, unloading their problems at the president. Man, these “state’s rights” people are something else. Oh look there’s Obama playing on the beach! The end.
{ 34 comments }
Charlie Crist has darker skin than Obama
Wait, Obama hasn’t interrupted to offer a RIP to Gary Goleman yet?? Why does he hate short 70′s child stars?
“A local mayor just told Obama a story about how no one can pay a mortgage or for food.”
More fine work from the invisible hand.
[re=587591]ShamWow[/re]: Knowing Obama, he doesn’t want to burn any Bridges.
It’s a tourism plug — we’re saved!
Arizona will not allow these oil-stained wretches to move there, so get that outta your heads now!
Rgds,
Tengrain
We snarked enough on Gary Coleman while he was alive. Poor bastard.
[re=587599]Extemporanus[/re]: Oh my Todd, you went there.
Just cut to the chase and ask a Tea Bagger how to plug that broken pipe, those assholes have all the answers.
When will the unseen hand of Adam Smith direct the undersea oil Blob to Mississipp? That’s what you get for not showing up Haley Hair Salon.
I’ve got 5 dollars for the DNC if Obama gives big hugs and smoochies to Vitter on camera. Vitter would plotz. Or, as they say in Louisiana: shit a brick.
[re=587611]germansteel[/re]: Yeah, where the hell’s that unemployed plumber when you really need him? You know, whatsisname.
OT, but saw this headline at huffpo:
“FBI Found Kenneth Starr Hiding In His Closet”.
Was disappointed that it wasn’t Clinton’s Ken Starr, only another rich mothafuquer ponzi scheme artist.
Obamar should have just cold nationalized BPee; all the wingnuts on parade with him would’ve holy crapped.
[re=587609]geminisunmars[/re]: Whatchu talkin bout?
Maybe Obama should plug it up with Peggie Nooninghamshire.
Sigh… I miss Tina Fey already -
ha! dang libruls…everyone knows to stop an oil leak you need a good size pair of truck nutz!
According to Rush Limpdick, a muslin, librul terst sabotaged the oil well and rigged it to blow for Allah and to stop offshore drilling.
As Ronald Reagan once said, government is the problem, not the solution. So Barack should have told them to suck it up and deal with it themselves. The free market is always right.
[re=587629]KidCrucial[/re]: didn’t they ban them somewhere in the south? We wouldn’t want BP or Haliburton breaking the law now would we?
It’s time one bank or another forecloses on the Gulf, evicts whatever’s still in it, let’s it go cheap as a fixer-upper shithole and passes the loss along to taxpayers.
[re=587621]ShamWow[/re]: Perhaps Obama is waiting for a chance to view Midgets vs. Mascots before he comments on Mr. Coleman’s demise…
[re=587646]Bearbloke[/re]: Fare thee well, Gary Coleman. Today, we are all Willis…
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/gallery/2010/05/28/GA2010052803076.html
Ken –
Did they establish whether this is Obama’s Katrina (The hurricane) or not? Is it Obama’s spill now????
Well??
[re=587639]azw88[/re]: first they came for truck nutz, but i did not speak up for I had no truck nutz.
[re=587651]ArugulaTeleprompterz[/re]: And ironically enough, Willis is on TruTV every Thursday night starring on The Smoking Gun’s World’s Dumbest…..
Orange Charlie’s gonna be mighty disappointed when he finds out n0bama wants to plug the oil hole, not his hole
Ah, yes wingnuts can’t wait to blame this on Obama. I get it, rather than say handling the problem realistically and since humanity doesn’t possess the necessary technology to prevent a spill a mile from becommming species threatening or to fix it, then maybe deep drilling should be banned. Nope! that suggestion is cockblocking the free market when it comes to possibly preventing a revenue source for some corporation no matter how terrible the consequnces actually are. Then when the damn thing blows up because oil companies are souless corporations out to cut any costs they can to increase executive bonus, it’s blame it on Obama for not stopping it!
Because we just know Bush or Reagan would have donned a wetsuit, climbed into Alvin and stopped the damn leak themselves with their imminent powers of being stupid assholes. I don’t think these assholes even know what an ideology is aside from “I hate the Kenyan”.
[re=587716]One Flew Over the Wingnut[/re]: Or if he pushes on the oil companies he’s “not letting the free market work” but if doesn’t “he’s weak”.
I really hate these assholes – and frankly, if I were Obama, I’d just say fuck all of you, go to hell – I could get a $20M/yr job as a CEO anywhere.
Hey, Wonktards, this is serious. The oil slick will be carried around Florida, up the East Coast, and all the way to Britain. A second leak, larger than the first, has been discovered, and it will be worse.
This is SO BAD! Whaddya think popcorn shrimp are gonna cost next Friday?
[re=587945]villageatrois[/re]: The shrimp catch is down at least half compared to last year same time period, according to this NOAA report site: http://www.st.nmfs.noaa.gov/st1/market_news/doc42.txt
Yeah, sure they won’t do the Army Navy AirForce Marines or Coast Guard (or probably even the Rightguard) but what about the other two Uniformed Services that were so spectacularly forgotten yesterday? NO ONE MENTIONED the Uniformed Public Health Service, or my favorite, the NOAA National Weather Service. Really. Bob Ryan and Doug Hill with Guns, you lousy ungrateful sunzabitches, always raggin’ on our forecast! I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU ALL AND IT AIN’T THE HUMIDITY!
Remember, kids, ‘roid rage and weather do not mix.
Yow-wee! The companies responsible for the oil spill want to charge U.S. Gov’t for it! http://bit.ly/bbOza8
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