former first ladies

Bill Clinton Is Turning Into a Strange Old Woman

Former president of fast food Bill Clinton is counting his calories again, because daughter Chelsea gave him “strict orders” to drop 15 pounds of pudge if he wants to watch her marry that guy Marc Mexicansky or whatever next month. Chelsea’s a tough little cookie — she gets that from her mom. She also doesn’t want to have to hire a cardiologist for the wedding, because they’re so expensive. So, how’s Papa Clinton’s calorie-counting going?

It’s going very well! Thank you for asking. Clinton’s been bragging to every reporter he sees about how sleek he’s gonna look in his tuxedo — “just two pounds to go,” he says, and “more than a month” to get there. He has been forgoing his favorite meal of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, peas, fried catfish and Coca Cola in exchange for acai berries and Tab, because he saw on an Internet ad that this combo melts off the pounds.

Isn’t body image a lady’s concern? Yes, it is, because real men are too busy working and paying the bills to care about such things. But acting like a lady has become one of Bill Clinton’s new favorite past times.

First, there was his promise to take one of Pantsuit Hillary’s lucky donors on a fabulous shopping date in New York. And now he’s worrying about his figure and telling people like foreign affairs journalist Ryan Seacrest that he will probably cry at the Chelseapalooza.

Also, yesterday Clinton told the U.S. World Cup soccer team that he wants to join them because they have fancy tan shoes. Then he showed them his own shoes, which are also on diets, and offered to take the team to see the new Sex and the City movie. But when he told team members they couldn’t get any popcorn or Milk Duds because of his diet, they said they didn’t want to go, which “brought on the waterworks.” [ABC News]

About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple
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40 comments

  1. ManchuCandidate

    Chelsea Bridezilla!

    I can imagine Bill’s initial reaction: “Jeebus christ, Chelsea. I’ll eat what I want. So what if I’m a fatty?!? It’s not like I humiliated you and your mom by getting a blow job from a fat intern in the oval… oh right.”

  2. pirate king of the Jews

    Pretty soon Barack will be bringing him some of Helen Thomas’ cupcakes.

  3. Whitey Did Katrina

    Don’t all former presidents turn into ladies?

    -Ever watch Carter swing a hammer? Lady!
    -Reagan, our truest Man, lost his faculties trying to fight off the ladiness.
    -First Bush was always a little effete. Now he’s friends with Democrats.
    -Clinton, as established above.
    -Second Bush doesn’t seem like much of a “Decider” anymore. Give it a few years and he’ll be a living Cathy cartoon.

    Case closed.

  4. WELCOME THRILLHO

    HOLLYWOOD COOKIE DIET HOLLYWOOD COOKIE DIET

    Also, never listen to CNN on XM radio. The ads will turn you stoopid, but you’ll find some great companies to manage your billing and help find cargo on the long haul.

    God damn trucker radio!

  5. JMP

    Clinton also appears to be turning anti-American, if he actually cares about some little soccer tournament.

  6. Baby who ate the Dingo

    Senor Clinton has also taken up the new Virginia Tech diet, AS SEEN ON TV! It works something like this: first, eat what you want; then do the Hokie Poke[y]:

    You put your left leg in you put your left leg out..[blah blah blah until line 9)
    You put your left nut in you put your left nut out, Hill finds out and then it goes all John Kruk-like. John Kruk, the famous one nut baseball player, who got mad at a pick up game last night and went home with his ball.

  7. Baby who ate the Dingo

    [re=587341]Whitey Did Katrina[/re]: Well, yeah about Carter, except he swung the Hammer and Sickle pretty hard for a while there, didn’t he?

  8. The Toot

    Yo, açaí berries are loaded with calories. Also, they are delicious. Mmmm… Brazil…

  9. Pandy

    [re=587341]Whitey Did Katrina[/re]: So, Ba-Rock and the mom jeans is just a preview of things to come, huh? Michelle’s so lucky!

  10. freakishlystrong

    From “Former First Ladies” to “waterworks”, every word in that post made me laugh so hard I almost took a holy crap. Hazzaa! Truknutz.

  11. SayItWithWookies

    “We’re going to be proud of what you do when you get to South Africa, and you will have somebody in the Oval Office who’s going to be watching ESPN to make sure that things are going OK,” Obama said.

    It’ll be either Sasha or Malia — you know how much kids love soccer.

  12. JMP

    [re=587367]The Toot[/re]: Do acai berries actually exist? I thought they were just an invention of web ads.

  13. AggieDemocrat

    The Big Dog’s from Arkansaws, so that should be “Co-cola,” not “Coca-Cola,” whatever the fuck that is.

  14. The Toot

    [re=587377]JMP[/re]: Açaí is an elaborate hoax played on fat Oprah viewers and other Real Americans. They even went through the trouble of setting up a wikipedia page. http://bit.ly/cO4uO

  15. notreallyhelping

    “I know what you been eatin’. Tasty, but not nutritious.” — Jill Clayburgh, “Semi-Tough”

  16. Buttery1000

    Bill burned at least 150 calories asking Joe Sestak to drop out of the Senate race.

  17. Army of None

    Connect the dots: Clinton invited to White House to drool over soccer player’s sneakers as a cover. Next day, all of a sudden, it is announced that Clinton takes the fall for the improper bribery offer. I wonder what promises were made to make that happen. Hillary as next Supreme Court vacancy filler?

  18. Lascauxcaveman

    Chelsea’s getting married? She seems nice; I hope the prospective groom’s not some total shithead.

  19. comicbookguy

    Chelsea is marrying a Democrat, so his name is Marx, not Marc, obviously. Marx Mexicansky Hussein.

  20. Red Zeppelin

    [re=587353]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: Quite a sacrifice. Fat bottomed girls make the rockin’ world go round.

  21. vespula maculata

    Good for you, Chelsea. None of us is any rush to watch the funeral of America’s first babyboomer president. Nor, like you, do we want to be denied the pictures of him holding his grandchildren. You keep after him.

  22. the cold war makes me hot

    Wouldn’t he get better results on that diet where you drink lemonade mixed with hot sauce? As a Southerner, that sounds right up his alley. I think Beyonce used it for Dreamgirls to get rid of her beautiful thunderthighs.

  23. Baby who ate the Dingo

    Bill Clinton, auditioning for Tin Soldier #4in the Nutcracker, was asked to show how he would fart if he were not in a chair.

  24. foghornleghorn

    I say, I say it’s the “White Man’s Disease”. Are you listening to me boy?

  25. engulfedinflames

    [re=587364]Baby who ate the Dingo[/re]: Ya, the fuckin commie, wonder what the world would look like now if we’d embraced his stupid hippie renewable energy policy.

  26. Extemporanus

    If Spanx® made cumberbunds, none of this gay-ass diet bullshit would even be necessary.

    And that goes double for socks vis-à-vis Bubba’s fat fucking feet.

  27. lawrenceofthedesert

    Doing the Hokey Pokey in the Rose Garden is the first step down the Golden Dementia Pathway.

  28. GOPCrusher

    [re=587577]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: They say that how Nancy first realized that the Blessed St. Ronnie was slipping away, back in 83.

  29. zhubajie

    [re=587402]Army of None[/re]: Yeah, kick her upstairs. She’s been a failure as a diplomat.

  30. Darkness

    Whose soccer team is that visiting there? Let’s see, blue red and white . . . France?

Comments are closed.