The Republicans were so proud of their shitty new website, “America Speaking Out.” They got the finest 1970s NASA computer technology to power the immediately broken & buggy webform — instead of letting the Free Market work by using Formspring or whatever — and then they were sad when a bunch of Wonkette readers filled it with dumb jokes.
But how could this happen, when some imbecile California wingnut congressman personally traveled to Microsoft, in the state of Washington, to physically retrieve some kind of old software because he has never heard of file transfers or the Internet or even FedEx?
Republicans were very pleased with their technological sophistication as they introduced the Web site, America Speaking Out a ceremony at the Newseum. Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.), who created the program, said that to get software for the site, “I personally traveled to Washington state and discovered a Microsoft program that helped NASA map the moon.”
{ 125 comments }
A sad day for hamster powered strategery.
Maybe they should have had a Michael Steele sprite tap-dancing across the screen in black-face. I believe this would have broken the back of the democrat party, as we would have all still be clutching our boobs/moobs with laughter come election day.
The Web site not only “has cutting-edge technology,” asserted Rep. Peter Roskam (Ill.), “but a winsome design that is easy for people to interact with.”
There are many adjectives available to describe teh interwebz, but “winsome” is not the first one that comes to mind…
It’s kind of a give away when several of the first comments were “the country needs more trucknutz” I shall have to visit again now the wonketteers are alerted.
Friendster is the best.
That terminal “Also” is a dead giveaway.
[re=585996]Snarkalicious[/re]: Get out of my head, mK? Or at least move that goddamn couch, you’re blocking my retinae.
God damn those dolphins and their sexy-time cousins the SPERM whales and their attempts to undermine “TRADITIONAL VALUES” by having warm blood and breathing air. We is having two riform Americun edumacashin NOW!!!
I smell a junket!!! Who paid for the “personal” trip to Washington and did it include time in the men’s room at the airport???
Some of this stuff might have a chance:
I remember in college that I used a kit to invent a potato-powered clock. Can we do that like… bigger and to power more stuff?
I believe he is referring to, “Microsoft Bob.”
We should clearly let these fuckwads run the government.
They went to the MOON, probably to the dark side of the moon, and… you know… mapped it… for, like, ideas. They were, like, brainstorming in the treeeeees.
Yeah, today’s GOP: just slightly dumber than Cheech and Chong, but nastier than The Hitcher.
At least now when the server gets hammered you no longer get the 404 error. Instead, the much better:
Unavailable
A very high volume of Americans are speaking out right now.
Please wait a moment and try again.
“Build a castle-style wall along the border, there is plenty of stone laying around about there.”
Dumbshits – Who do you think is going to lift that heavy stone and build your frickin’ castle wall for minimum wage and no benefits? I quadruple dog dare you to go to a teabagger party and try to find a crew willing to do strenuous manual labor, 40 hours a week, in the hot summer sun for chickenshit pay. The only way you’re going to get your castle wall built is to hire a crew of illegal immigrants.
Its really hard to tell the actual republican “ideas” from the dumb jokes. For example, I’m not sure what to make of the proposal to slow global warming by making all dark skinned people wear white makeup (to increase the albedo). Joke or serious proposal?
Is “mapping the moon” one of those ‘publican phrases like “walking the Appalachin Trail”?
How long before we start seeing flash banner ads for “THE AMERICASPEAKSOUT OF SEX” ?
Hey now, the giant castle-style wall along the border worked great for the Chinese, who never faced a threat from the Mongolian hordes again! Oh, wait a minute…
Moon mapping skillz =/= interactive political party portal skillz
I thought Microsoft was more of a state of mind than an actual place. You know, like “fascism”.
“To get to Washington to retrieve that software I developed a machine for rapid over land travel that employs two new inventions, the “wheel” and the “internal combustion engine”.
[re=586032]2goats[/re]: It’s like, dude, if you look at the map of the dark side of the moon, I mean really look at it man, then look at a map of Oz, they’re like practically the same, like whoa!
All of the ideas have been scrubbed. I was able to grab this one off of “Open Mic” before they zapped it. It’s the type of freedumb I can get behind (literally)!
Republicans caught engaging in embarrassing homoerotic scandals ought to be reclassified as Democrats and be forced to wear leather bottomless chaps in public. Keep our values strong!
Children, gather ’round and I’ll tell you a story about the day the intertubes brought down the House GOP…
Any hope that the GOP had about getting reasonable ideas were completely destroyed yesterday by Sarah Palin.
From high upon her facebook page, Sarah commanded her army of window-lickers to head on over and type out ideas with their knives and gun barrels.
http://www.facebook.com/notes/sarah-palin/america-speaks-out/392858953434
[re=585999]Litlebritdifrnt[/re]: I especially enjoyed this one. From a Wonketteer, I suspect.
Since all the people who cause prolbems are dark make all those who are darker than a cracker bleach their skin to fit in with REAL Amercia!!!!!!
“We need to ensure that the Republicans never give us up, let us down, run around, or desert us.”
I can spend all day on that site.
Some of these “ideas” that people are “speaking out” about sound just like some of the nutty callers on Washington Journal on C-SPAN. You really can’t tell if they are real, sarcastic or jokes.
“TAX EXCLAMATION MARKS!!! AND CAPITAL LETTERS!!! AND SENTENCE FRAGMENTS!!!”
used software that NASA used for mapping the moon . . . for what reason? because of the lunatics that qwould be using the website?
My suggestion is to find out who marks my ideas as ‘*inappropriate’ and get rid of that motherfucker fast!
Another contributor had parody in mind (we hope): “English is are official langauge. Anybody who ain’t speak it the RIGHT way should kicked out.”
I would not bet on parody on that one.
[re=586030]Ducksworthy[/re]: Exactly. “Teach young boys the pain of being a man” could make it into the 2012 platform.
Someone wrote “end child labor laws”. I’m not sure if it’s serious or a snark. Either way it’s comedy gold.
What UUE decoder are they using?
[re=586064]llibra[/re]:
The GOP website is why Skynet will kill us in 2012.
[re=586050]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Ah Shucks. You wonketters done broke the fancy new GOP intertubes.
[re=586057]jetjaguar[/re]: hey don’t laugh–I hear they are going with an all rick astley platform this fall.
[re=586066]WadISay[/re]: I think that was somebody promoting mandatory circumcision. A neocon probably.
HAHA. This website was paid for with your tax dollars.
May as well make the best use of it you can – posting dick jokes.
How did they find a machine that even ran Fortran 5?
the new mcarthyism is a pathetic shadow of the old (as can be said of the republican party).
[re=586056]Limeylizzie[/re]: What kind of cracker? Triscuit or Arkansas?
Thank You Rep. McCarthy. Your site made me laugh so hard water came out of my eyes. You are truly a great Amurikkan!
“And this box of punch cards contains the software that helped NASA map the moon!”
“That’s awesome. Can it also generate winning political ideas?”
“I don’t see why not.”
It done brokeded. Too bad. I have a lot of winning ideas I wish to share.
Wait! Is this the Kevin McCarthy who warned us about pods coming out of California or a Kevin McCarthy who fell asleep near one of them?
BP is obviously the main contractor on this site. Just voting on anything brings up the ‘unavaiable’ warning. And now I can’t get back to the idea of:
My neighbor made me a cookie but he eated it. Can you come arrest him?
They probably thought conservative grandmas and grandpas everywhere would flock to the site and offer up sensible, thought-provoking ideas they could adopt. They really are out of the loop.
Why is it that everything I suggest is inappropriate? Everything. Is it closed? Is it because my first suggestion was raising taxes (inappropriate) or raising payroll taxes on the upper 10% (innapropriate) or legalizing marijuana (inappropriate) raise taxes (inappropriate). Oh, but “Get all the Mexicans out of our country, and the arabs. Also.” That is the only suggestion I tried to make that it allowed. Also, it logged me into another person’s profile, for some reason.
That little exercise in democracy certainly worked well, hengh? Also[re=586081]SmutBoffin[/re]: nice jewel:
“More House Republicans are on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube than their Democratic counterparts, said Republican Representative Cathy McMorris Rodgers of Washington state.
“House Republicans have tweeted five times as many (times) as the House Democrats. Leader Boehner has almost five times as many Facebook fans as (House) Speaker (Nancy) Pelosi,” Rodgers said.
Republican can ruin Facebook and Twitter, but I’ll be a little sorry to see YouTube go. Where will I get my Ali Farka Toure fix?
[re=586017]chascates[/re]: …potato-powered clock…
A Super Tuber? I think this could bring all of Idaho on board.
[re=585997]President Beeblebrox[/re]: you winsome, you losesome.
Thank you, Wonketteers, for making that idiotic site well worth reading – and reading closely. Much better than actual lunatics could have done.
I’m glad that the GOP is not afraid to fail repeatedly. If it was anyone else, they would have polished off that fifth of Jim Beam, stuck the barrel of the 9mm in their mouth, and pulled the trigger by now.
My personal favorite is:
Thank God that the Rent-a-Boy website works better than this one.
I finally looked at the site. Comedy gold! In “National Security” I found:
I think all americans should bathe in Nuclear Waste. This has been shown to be an effective tactic in the past of transforming the human body into something more powerful and superhuman. With a nation of powerful mutants, not only would we prevent ourselves from being invaded, we would have a wildly powerful offense with millions able to fly, shoot lasers from their eyes and take bullets. Ninja Cats would still prove to be a problem.
OK, OK, it has to be a joke, but still …
Reminds me of that site they set up after the election asking for “suggestions” … I believe one was “Be more gay”.
[re=586100]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: But they’ll never take over Wonkette – not that we’d notice. Wing-nuttery is hard to distinguish from satire and snark.
I wonder if they appreciate the supreme irony of leaving their platform to the “free market” of ideas, and when that turns out to be a disaster, having a panel of DC elites hand-pick a bunch of ideas that reinforce their pre-existing talking points.
LOL!
The americaspeaksout web site has been officially marked as Spam by Barracuda
I’ve included my opinion on what they need to do with instain mother, who kill their babby.
Funny how the GOP for 8 years they were in power said, “We don’t get our platform from focus groups”.
somehow, I have hijacked mbell3439 for posting purposes. I dunno who you are, but the GOP has given me your internets, with your precious email. I wish Clankie’s ideas could belong to Clankie, but no. Everyone vote for my idea of mandatory enzyte and boob jobs to stimulate American competitiveness. Also.
The four fathers wood bee apaul’d.
Under ‘merikan values:
“All women do nowadays is LIVE IN SIN before marriage and fight to have moer rights than men but THE LORD says that the man should be the master and leader and women are supposed to raise children to serve THE LORD and we need ot make sure women don’t take over the country now 2 women have been appointed to the supreme court DO YOU THINK THAT IS A COINCIDENCE? we need to make sure our women stay PURE as THE LORD said they needed to be too many girls nowadays are LIVING IN SIN they need to understand they were created to be mothers and not women who SELL THEMSELVES ”
Excellent!
Also funny: Dana Milbank just “ctrl-C, ctrl-V”ed a buncha crap from this website and called it a “column”.
Congressman stumbles out of SeaTac airport into back of cab: “Take me to the Microsoft!” he commands the driver.
“I’m sorry..?” says his Ethiopian cab driver Dabir.
“The Microsoft! The Microsoft! I must go purchase some winsome Microsoft products!”
“Ok,” says Dabir, shrugging his shoulders. “I will take you to the Best Buy then?”
“Yes! Yes!” says the Congressman. “I am here to get the best buy I can on winsome Microsoft products!”
Fin (not a dry eye in the house)
This one is pretty precious:
I am not a global citizen, I’m a citizen of the Republic of the United States of America. We need to abolish the United Nations and anything having to do with One World Government. The United Nations and elitists billionaires (such as Oprah, Bill Gates, George Soros and many others) want to depopulate the World with their Agenda 21 idea. We all need to get together a speak out against this. Your country, your lives and your freedoms are at stake. Wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remember, America, Oprah is pro-one-world-government. Burn her!
[re=586032]2goats[/re]: I recall that “mapping the moon” refers to lustily checking out someone’s ass in the hope that it will lead to the buttsecks.
That site made my day. Is it safe for me to say that finally the Republican’s actually got off their asses and did something I agree with? America Speaking Out is snark/comedy gold.
Evidently, Foam Springs don’t bear heavy loads.
I just tried to sign up, but I was supposed to “pick my congressman” and the pop-up Flash thingy was blank so I couldn’t. Bummer.
It must all be wonketters. Priceless:
We need to train an army of Ninja Cats. Cats are natural born hunters and predators, and it is known that they indeed have 9 lives, many more than the typical human life (being one). They are also excellent at hiding themselves and would be ideal for sneaking into countries and assassinating communist leaders to lessen the ever growing threat of communism, finding key terrorist leaders and shattering the global terrorist network. In fact they could be potentially useful in the current Korean crisis. Loyal to their trainers, the cats could rain destruction and fear throughout the world, and if ever captured would never tell who they are serving. Finally, after they have solved the worlds problems, they could serve as border patrol and show unflinching resolve at keeping illegals where they belong, anywhere but here.
[re=586124]CrunchyKnee[/re]: Dude just called Scalia a whore. hehehehe.
[re=586030]Ducksworthy[/re]: No way would they every propose that, since all good ‘Murikans know the only way to increase albedo is with the little blue pill.
[re=586155]yargisbargis[/re]: All well and good, but how will they deal with the pirate dogs?
[re=585997]President Beeblebrox[/re]: When he said “winsome”, he was referring to a certain doe eyed, fawn bottomed boy with a winsome smile (at rentboys.com), who is easy to interact with.
“Leader Boehner has almost five times as many Facebook fans as (House) Speaker (Nancy) Pelosi,”
That’s just sad. Next they’ll be bragging about who has more Farmville tractors.
“discovered a Microsoft program that helped NASA
mapdiscover the moon.”Go big or go home, McCarthy.
[re=586027]BOOBIES![/re]: actually , 80 hours a week ’cause we are talking peasants and serfs here . plus half-days on saturdays . paid in gruel and rags .
You rasculs are such the dickens probably.
“They need to do way instain mother> who ill thier babbys. becuse these babby cant frigth back? it was on the news this mroing a mother in ar who had ill her three kids . they are taking the three babby back to new york too lady to rest my pary are with the father who lost his chrilden ; i am truley sorry for your lots ”
Anybody?
[re=586182]Clankie[/re]: *raises hand*
I’m glad that one has stayed up, they can’t even seem to ban a user correctly.
[re=586134]assistant/atlas[/re]: I don’t get it…Oprah, er, weighs the same as a duck?
“A very high volume of Americans are speaking out right now. We know they are Americans because we checked their papers when they logged in. We’re not paying any attention to what they’re saying on our site–obviously, or there would be no lingering posts about ‘babbys’ and ‘giant scorpions’–but we enjoy providing circuses for the ‘little people,’ since it seems to amuse and distract them is the ways that we, the masters of war, have long come to rely upon. Ta-ta.”
[re=586124]CrunchyKnee[/re]: “…and women are supposed to raise children to serve THE LORD…”
I’m pretty sure that was supposed to read, “…to raise chickens…”
[re=586168]comicbookguy[/re]:
Nancy Pelosi has invited you to join the group GET FREE CHICKEN COOPS – REALLY!
Accept? Y/N
[re=586188]slappypaddy[/re]: “in the ways” (what can i say, it looked correct before i hit ‘submit comment’)
“More House Republicans are on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube than their Democratic counterparts”, said Republican Representative Cathy McMorris Rodgers of Washington state.
“House Republicans have tweeted five times as many (times) as the House Democrats. Leader Boehner has almost five times as many Facebook fans as (House) Speaker (Nancy) Pelosi,” Rodgers said.
Holy shit, Mr. President. We are under-friended on Facebook. We cannot permit a Facebook gap! (And take “leader” Boner and shove him up your ass. “Leader” of what?)
[re=586188]slappypaddy[/re]: Giant scorpions is as merikun as u and i; thers a kool merikun movie i seen bout them but they was buried in a cave at the end.
[re=586081]SmutBoffin[/re]: ‘And the number one thing that I hear, over and over and over again, everywhere I go, is ‘Why isn’t Washington listening to us?’
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. Oh dear sweet god.
I like that while it takes me four or five rewordings to get anything posted, I was able to get ‘rimjobs for everybody’ up there no problem. That, apparently, is totally appropriate.
Is there nothing Republicans create (at least on the internet) that cannot be destroyed by Wonketteers?
I think not.
I shed a tear of pride.
[re=586022]Geogre[/re]: “Two hundred years, for crimes against humanity! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, I raped a dolphin. Well, technically it was a porpoise, but one blowhole’s the same as another…”
Hmmm… no, if it was an adult female porpoise, the GOP’s still nastier.
I started a thread on their site calling for the circumcision of dogs, not just for aesthetic reasons but to show our love of Israel and our contempt for those backward, horrible Muslim people who don’t like dogs and probably aren’t circumcised. Now I’m going to go back and suggest that all Hispanic people be required to wear Lindsay Lohan style ankle monitoring bracelets. Because it makes sense to me. Does it to you too?
I keep clicking “get mail” but my confirmation email has not yet arrived. I am peeved that I cannot join the fun. What else am I to do sitting here at work?
[re=586134]assistant/atlas[/re]: Agenda 21? Oh thanks for that, now my boss is glaring at me for suddenly laughing out loud. I think we need to make “Agenda 21″ one of the new Wonketeer catchphrases. Sounds like Plan B From Outer Space.
[re=586226]PickneyPinchback[/re]: There’s a pesky little pop-up when you input your zip that requires you to enter your representative. If you don’t click on one, it doesn’t actually send your registration.
Still no email. You know, I think they’re just blocking anyone with a Los Angeles ZIP code from joining…
Oh finally, the Republicans are good for something. And when they do finally come up with an idea, it is such a great one! Maybe they are not the nimrods we thought they were.
–crumpet/aka/miltonfriedmanjr
[re=586231]the problem child[/re]: Aha! Thanks. Just got the keys to the kingdom.
In defense of the GOP, the internet is a very sophistamicated tube-based system. Even Bill Gates can’t figure it out.
[re=586212]doloras[/re]: How is raping a porpoise a crime against humanity? That’s a crime against porpoisity, even if you’re transporting mynahs across sedated lions for immoral porpoises. Fuck it, I need sleep, and oxygen.
Is it amusing that the site crashes every five seconds, or not amusing?
[re=586186]Red Zeppelin[/re]: The joke was more the comment itself, but I’m pretty sure Oprah is going to kill you for that joke. Or rather, have her Agenda 21 minions kill you. DO NOT DISRESPECT THE OPRAH.
[re=586230]PickneyPinchback[/re]: Yeah except that it’s an actual thing: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Agenda_21
I hate to be all activisty but when you sort the posts by “most interest” the more sincere GOP ideas come up. I am having too much fun posting my great ideas. I would like to propose that everyone who has a log in (it took me about 4 tries) should promote and comment on the best libtard posts.
“Require that all marijuana produced in foreign countries be taxed at least $6.75 a gram ($191.36 an ounce), that should give a boost to our troubled domestic marijuana industry and possibly stop those liberals in California from taking all our money. Domestically produced marijuana would have a holographic “Made in the USA” sticker on the packaging to let true Americans show their patriotism.”
You have to admit…the “holographic sticker” makes this one bright and shiny.
[re=586035]JMP[/re]: People like Wu Sangui were always willing to open a gate for personal advantage!
“It’s high time we ran the gays out of our schools and into camps. A man’s man will know his place once he’s felt the sweat roll off his back and dug a five foot hole every day for a year. Heck, I’ll run the camp. I can ride a man like no other. Once they feel my firm hand and see what it’s like to have meat on their bones, they’ll come around.”
Ted Haggard? Is that you?
“i think we should ban gay rights, but make it clear that micturating in horses is still ok, either because its cold out, or because its fun and the horse seems to like it . i micturated in a horse once, it saved me from frostbite, “
You people have outdone yourselves.
OK which one of you Libtards broke the site?
“I think that W the Bush should be given an IQ test and anyone can place a bet for $5 on the score. All the proceeds can go to paying off the debt he created. Win win and win!! “
If they’re really all that high-tech, why are they using Microsoft? Don’t real programmers prefer Linux (or anything but Microsoft)?
They’re just begging for prank viruses.
[re=586200]meufchelou[/re]: and there they wait, in the darkness, fornicating, raising babby giant scorpions who can frigth and ill. they will someday break free and wreak their vengeance throughout the deserts of what was once the american southwest.
Apparently dozens of porn site traffic came to a screeching halt today due to all the activity today probably.
I know the fun’s over, as we all have no attention sp..
Uh, anyway, the thing about the Twits and the Facefriends and the whole “We are on MyFace.Com” thing…. You know, it seems to me that that’s actually nothing to brag about. They were twitting during the State of the Union, during session, probably during security briefings…. When you’re not governing and have no interest in legislating, it frees up your time considerably for worrying about how many FaceFriends you have.
Boner wants to brag about having more eBFF’s? How positively charming. He’s sure to get a date for the prom now.
[re=586292]Geogre[/re]: being president of the internet worked for President Ron Paul
[re=586241]natoslug[/re]: I’m pretty sure it is not forbidden in the Bible.
[re=586212]doloras[/re]: Usually it’s the other way around: male dolphins and porpoises do sometimes attempt sex with human female handlers.
[re=586230]PickneyPinchback[/re]: That Wiki page assistant linked to doesn’t mention how Agenda 21 is one of the far right’s bogeymen…another conspiracy to somehow use sustainable development as cover to depopulate the planet and turn humanity into a giant collective ruled by the U.N., or some such bullshit. Google it, there’s a ton of stuff on the web.
[re=586253]PsycGirl[/re]: The Dude abides, even in a horse’s rump in winter.
That site has been laid to waste. There aren’t enough Wonketeers in the universe to do all that damage, one would think. Who else has a lot of spare time on their hands and an adolescent attitude?
Anonymous, is that you?
[re=586303]Maus[/re]: It truly did work for President Obama, and the GOP has “learned that lesson,” when Obama had been learning the lesson from Howard Dean. The problem is that they’re learning the wrong lesson.
Decentralizing your actual campaign works. e-Friending all the cranks in town… not so much. Distributing your fund raising works (the Paul model). Twitting your unmediated, unreflected, real-time stupidity at the universe at large and hoping that people pay you for it, on the other hand, only works for subway comedians, and at least there the public can see the suitcase with dimes in it open on the ground and walk away ahead of time.
I had a friend who went to Fishkill once. He didn’t want to go there, but there had been buskers in front of the other trains. It was the only course of action commensurate with honor.
Almost everybody is in on this. It is a troll’s paradise. Reminds me of the day a group of us common folk buried teamsarah. Most of the more mature blogs are just watching and laughing instead of participating in communal expression (heh). The majority of users seem to be from one or multiple chan sites, facebook, twitter, and blogs.
All this is pretty juvenile, much like a ‘Draw Muhammad’ Facebook contest.
It sure is juvenile. But it is not at all like “draw Muhammad day”. “Draw Muhamed day” was meant to cast Muslims as a collective other in society. This is just politics.
[re=586392]TGY[/re]: It sure is juvenile. But it is not at all like “draw Muhammad day”. “Draw Muhammad day” was meant to cast Muslims as a collective other in society. This is just politics.
[re=586155]yargisbargis[/re]: Didn’t the military already try that with squirrels?
Comments on this entry are closed.