Wonkette editor Ken Layne and his Human Resources Department.
Photo and child courtesy of former SPLOID editor and current NBC blog editor Scott Ross. May 25, 2010.

The sad news that Jim Newell is going back to Gawker Media, after having been dismissed by Gawker Media (along with this site!) two years ago, has provoked a K-Lo-esque “Steady Stream of E-mails Coming Into My Inbox.” Everybody wants Newell’s spot on the Wonkette staff box! Well, nobody can really have it.

First of all, the famous COMICS CURMUDGEON Josh Fruhlinger will continue to cover most of your American Mornings here at Wonkette, and we are adding to his already harsh workload, because the Natural Supply of natural-born Wonkette writers is small. Josh is the only Wonkette Veteran who has been here, on and off, as long as your own editor. Since early 2006! What was that, nine or twelve years ago? Computers didn’t even *exist* back then. (We blogger’d the old-fashioned way: By leaving ink-on-paper messages at the Subway for Andrew Sullivan to relay, by hand.)

Now, THIS IS IMPORTANT: A whole bunch of writers, including several writers we know and enjoy from their work at other websites and newspapers, have basically written to say, “Sorry Jim’s leaving, can I have his spot?” And, well, no. Nobody can have Jim’s spot, because Newell’s “I’ll post crazy stuff when I get up at 4 p.m.” position is being eliminated when Jim files his last insane, delightful item here at Wonkette.

We will be adding a WASHINGTON DC daytime political-comedy blogger, someone who currently lives in Washington DC, the nation’s capital, home of The Capitol — and if you believe you are that person, send a note to Wonkette. Go ahead and direct us to a few samples if you already know how to do what it is that we do when we do it, here at Wonkette. And, as Josh already fills the required Wonkette Ginger Spot, try being something else, like a “Person of Color,” or “Female,” or “Not German.” This is NOT a full-time thing. You are never going to get rich or even “make a modest living” from blogging, sorry. What do you think this is, 2007?

We are also opening up the site a little bit to a very small select handful of regular contributors, a la our blood-brother/sisters in New York, at The Awl. Not that many, but maybe five or six. There will be a Television Column, right? Because that’s all people do, watch the teevee. Maybe it’s a “Political Television” column, whatever in the fuck that means. (LOST: Was That About Politics Maybe?, etc.) Could five or six of you send the ideas for the other ones? Just five or six, please. And no, you don’t have to live in DC for that.

Okay, your editor is now going to “late lunch,” good-bye forever!

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  1. “Over The Transom” is the name of my new column. Wherein, as readers stand aghast, I solicit the charms and sponsorship of a hardbodied cougar who is trying to blow her settlement money as quickly as possible, to bask in her cougaresque glow as I, myself, feign work on my novel.

    My agent has a treatment on this on his desk. Right now he does.

  2. My resume is attached…

    I live in Washington, DC and I have BOOBIES!

    So, I guess this means that I’ll start on Monday.

  3. Because I do not read carefully, or really read at all, I did not read this post. And I am nominating Wookies for a writing job here, whether he likes it or not or is still alive or whatever. I assume, for not having read anything, that my nomination is as good as gold in terms of securing him a spot on the staff at Wonkette, where he will be well paid and supplied with a steady stream of smart, funny hookers who enjoy his baked goods.

  4. Dear Earth,

    Obviously all of these positions are reserved for a certain “shortsshortsshorts,” needless of location. Clearly, concisely, ostensibly, absolutely, fortuitously, rightly, literally, charmingly, forcibly, aimlessly, incredulously, BASTARDLY, INCOMPREHENSIBLY, INDUBITABLY, this position is CORDIALLY going to be mine. Thank you and have a nice day.


    Your Future Wonkette Writer Person

  5. Howz ’bout an olde? I’m old and live in the real Warshington. Hey, my righting background is sew good I even know what a passed partishiple is and also. It’s a major loaf pinched-off after the mourning koffee and what we oldes talk about forever and always amen.

    But damn, my closest boat is German. Maybe next time.

  6. I nominate that Serolf Divad guy because he’s the most likely to cause me to spurt chocolate milk out my nose (and I don’t even drink chocolate milk. He’s that funny.)

  7. This is the saddest thing I’ve read since SKS left. Goddammit Newell…this Josh person I just don’t get. At least we still have Ken. RIGHT????

  8. Does GWU student on summer break count as “current” resident of DC?

    I’m a woman and I can write. Whether or not I’m funny is an entirely different question.

  9. Ken, after seeing that photo, my respect for you has grown ten-fold:

    Being a one-legged minimum security Dutch prison political blogger cannot be easy. I have no idea how do you do it, sir — you are truly an inspiration.

  10. I believe you should follow the lead of every major news network and increase your profitability by poorly emulating fox news to try and carve out a part of their market. The best way to do this, of course is to hire an unfunny, unimaginative, rhetorically bankrupt fucktard to bloviate across the tubez. Because Erick Erickson is taken, I will do it for you. I promise only the finest in race-baiting puns, borderline sedition, and information-free drivel.

    Oh, and jokes about tits and such, of course. I will also twat things that will get you arrested, if that helps.

  11. Practice test.

    Escape Goat – Wonkette (Nebraska Bureau)

    Well hallefuckinglujah, the Podracer thingie that the Anakin kid (Spoiler: who grows up to be Hand Solo) drove around for 45 minutes in one of the Star Wars movies to promote video game sales is going to be on display at the Strategic Air and Space Museum in Ashland, Nebraska!
    Also, while you’re there waiting to look at it, you can walk around and look at Rocket planes, bombs, missiles, death ray machines, killer satellites and other shit of a similar nature.

  12. I feel like the disgruntled psycho in the “Marge Becomes a Policewoman” Simpsons episode.

    Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is _not_ something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.

    Man: Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin’ guns?!

    Wiggum: Hey, I told you, you don’t get your gun until you tell me your name.

    Man: I’ve had it up to here with your “rules”! [walks off]

  13. Greetings Wonketeers,

    I believe that my experience as the foremost part-part-part time political videographer in Appalachia well-qualifies me for a position with your “web-blog.” I have 1 day “Sarah Palin” experience and stated a slightly successful meme in November that Politico pretty much stole from me since I posted my video first. In conclusion, my experience with grifters, memes, funny cat pictures, and the Adobe suite of products makes me a fine addition to your team.

    Please don’t make me go get a new real job, in an office or something.



  14. Also I will submit my acorn-subsidized vote for Shorts. Also, since acorn has arranged for me to vote multiple times, you might as well give extemporanus some sort of position too, since we are handing out props and whatnot.

    also hello to the ladies.

  15. OK, so you don’t make any money doing this, but then you quit, write a tell-all book, go on the lecture circuit and get laid 7×24, right? I suppose that, rather than try to do anything serious, like run for office, you might as well throw yourself in a wood chipper after working here.

  16. “This is NOT a full-time thing. You are never going to get rich or even ‘make a modest living’ from blogging, sorry.”

    That’s what Ken told Jim, SKS, etc. Once they sneaked a peek at the Wonkette P&L, they were outa there.

    C’mon, Ken, remember what Barry told Joe the Plumber?

  17. I will take the job, but I have a few conditions:
    1) I will not write anything
    2) I will tell all my friends (mostly superfriends) that I write for Wonkette
    3) If this leads to sex with a politician I will write about it (see condition 1)

    If boobies are a requirement, please note that mine are burrito-fed. Thank you.

  18. I am “of colour”, Jewish, gay, and Canadian. Hire or me or I’ll have the ACLU leaping all over your butt so fast you’ll think you’re at a fraternity initiation, you commie librul pinko anti-Amerkin Merkin!

  19. I don’t watch the television. The television watches me.

    (See? Nothing good has been on since Yakoff Smirnov was current.)

    Don’t do a Salon. Don’t you dare do a Salon.

  20. PS – A column about what the rest of the world thinks of the US might be kinda neat! And I’ll write it, or else (see above)!

  21. I’m already Wonkette’s official furry mascot. Whether you like it or not. Or I will make that rabbit squeal sound all day and poop pellets in your coffee. (More than I already do.)

  22. [re=585994]foulmouthed mrscreant[/re]: Only on Thursdays actually. In tribute to George Will, I will call these DUNGAREE THURSDAYS, and they will be aimed at minority communities such as Marco Rubio and Alan Keyes.

  23. aw, man. I was just noting to my spouse how Wonkette had people writing for it who 1) have mastered good writing in proper English grammar; 2) were witty but also snarky and silly and funny, something no one else has mastered; 3) were ahead of news sites on getting news.

    And I will miss Newell as I am ginger, also.

    And, Truck Nutz.

  24. Listen up, Newell, this is a serious proposal: I am going to do the “Julie and Julia” thing, except in a different context. Of course, in Julie and Julia, this crazy person decided to make all the dishes in incompetent cook Julia Child’s wretched “mastering the art of french cooking, as if Child, who never mastered any variety of cooking, could teach others to do so. And now the intertubes are crowded with obnoxious preening foodies blogging away as they do The French Laundry Cookbook,” they call it “doing the Laundry,” how delightfully drole.

    Anyway, as I said, I propose doing this in a different context. I am going to print out one of those lengthy lists of complicated, mostly fictional, sex acts with amusing names(the Rusty Trombone, the Donkey Punch, the Cleveland Steamer), and following the example of Julie and Julia, blog my progress as I attempt to perform every one of the sex acts and positions.

    Come on, how is this not a winner? And in keeping with the now almost-forgotten reason I started reading this blog, the assfucking. You guys never even mention assfucking anymore. Don’t worry, I’m planning on lots of that.

  25. I would apply except that I’m not funny and I can’t write. But that Riley character is a pretty snappy writer. Can I nominate him?

    Oh, and little tip – maybe if you charged us for access to this site you’d be able to pay a snappy writer like …. oh, wait, never mind.

  26. I’ve got a daughter who is female, and lives in DC, and writes well, and is ginger. Bad fit, though, cause of the ‘writes well’ part. Also.
    Best, Jim- will have to gawkerize now.

  27. Sorry guys, but I think Ken’s really already settled on Jim’s replacement: it’s the other person in that picture. Expect the new TV column to focus on Dora the Explorer and that weird show from Iceland with the pink-haired jailbait.

  28. [re=586021]Doglessliberal[/re]: Mr. Limey Lizzie was a Ginger before he went white, but the good bits are still ginger. BTW in UK land Ginger is also homo in that Cockney rhyming slang as in Ginger Beer = Queer.

  29. Can I be the roving reporter that travels the land in search of one person that has not been in Bristol’s pants??

    Seriously though, you need a Su’thun Reportr’ don’t ya now? Don’t ya Son? Bringing the down-home charm and gentility of the true South to the WWWebby. Bless your heart.

  30. [re=585977]BeWoot[/re]: Megs McCain if you want big tits. Prommie if you want smart.(I don’t know if she has the tits).

    [re=586044]Prommie[/re]: I think it is a winner only if you do it with politicians. I could see you working through the list with Mitch McConnell up first, maybe followed by Jim DeMint and John Boehner. Think of all the wild times you could have with added benefit of destroying the political careers of known dirt bags, pedophiles, bi/gay scat aficionados etc.

  31. Just plug in a feed from redstate, sarah palin’s facebook, politico, and the latest thing at, tie the intertubes tight, and bingo! you have your writer.

  32. Well, at first I thought this was real, and then I quickly realized that Jim Newell missed April Fools’ Day entirely. I tell you what….

    I’ll do it, but only once a week. I drinks a bit, but only once a week.

    But only since you have no poet lowriot on staff….

    ‘My favorite place in decay;

    My coolest of folks moved away.

    I’ll sit in their chair, drive it any old where…

    But I’m sure that I never will stay.’

  33. Okay, I can’t help it – I’m hopelessly in love with Naked Bunny With (or without) a Whip – can’t you find her a job?

  34. I live in Minnesota so don’t meet your discriminatory requirements, but I thought I’d mention these guys:

    Mind Grapes Recruiting. They’re helping me find a guest blogger right now. They’re just getting started but seem like they know what they’re doing. You might want to drop them a line to see if they can help you out.

  35. In Indiana, we don’t do this “sentence” thing. Its what keeps our caps locks always on and ready for; WHERES THE BERF CERTIFICUT!

  36. I think someone should be the unemployment correspondent. At first glance, this idea seems contradictory–how can you have a job blogging about unemployment and remain faithful to the subject, etc., but hey, it’s Wonkette dollars. It’s not like they’re spendable anywhere but grog shops and peep shows, right?

  37. Just please, don’t hire Rand Paul, Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Peggy Noonan, Eliot Spitzer, Mark Sanford, Larry Craig, Mark Foley or George Akers.

  38. “Read carefully?” WTF? If I wanted to read carefully, I’d go someplace where they WRITE carefully.

    Please do consider shorts, KL. He’s couch-surfing at present and could use the coin, so if you toss him some Benjies maybe he’ll get the fuck off MY couch and pay me what he owes me. And he’s tres, tres witty, when he’s not having one of his “episodes.” That’s the upside.

    On the downside, once he leaves MY couch, he’ll probably look to crash for a year or so with some trailer dwelling Mojave denizen. A-hem….. And his track record for killing sites is…. oh, wait….never mind that part.

    Um… yeah, SHORTS!

  39. [re=585988]Crank Tango[/re]: [re=586006]foulmouthed mrscreant[/re]: [re=586061]Limeylizzie[/re]: Well shucks, shits, and Santorum, you guys — I don’t know what to say with all your assorted pink parts in my mouth! Thammphfff youmpff?!

    The same could could be said of you three, as well as a Dirty Baker’s Dozen (“10 in the pink, 3 in the stink”) other commentators who/whom regularly reduce me to defecating in awe. However, in deference to those who/whom don’t, I shan’t names — but you know who you are

    Irreggarrdllesslly, I made a decision last night to take my leave immediately upon commenting on Jim’s final Wonkette post, which he figured would be in a week or two (today?) I’ve been trying for awhile now: I need to breath fresh air again, shower, imbibe something non-alcoholic, feel the touch of another human being upon my cheek (any of them), re-establish whatever it was that once made me feel funny, cutting, and alive! In short I need to quit, and not being very good at quitting, I’ve decided to take advantage of Jim’s arbitrary drop dead-line, and let his illustrious coattails drag me out the door by the neck and/or balls.

    Or perhaps, I am Jim! Dun-dun-DUNNNN!!

    But seriously, Wookies or GTFO — he’s motherfucking earned it.

  40. Guys, you’re overlooking the OBVIOUS choice; who can replace Jim Newell but the one and only Dame Peggington Nooningtonshire?!? Her Valium-and-gin induced murmurings are the only thing that could possibly soothe the ache of separation from Our Ginger-in-Chief. Plus, when she inevitably passes out, her butler Jeeves can finish up her shift.

    Seriously, though, how about a gay nerd who gets your Star Wars references, Ken? I mean, I’m already a shut-in who spends most of his time in front of the computer, day after day, week after week, year after year growing more and more despondent at the state of our world and fearful of our future. That has to count for something, doesn’t it? I’m in NJ, though, so maybe I could just be one of those handful of contributors? I could post pictures of puppies, the only thing that makes me smile as our world shudders ceaselessly towards the Abyss.

  41. “We will be adding a WASHINGTON DC daytime political-comedy blogger, someone who currently lives in Washington DC, the nation’s capital, home of The Capitol”

    Newell didn’t live in DC. Details, details. Typical Wonkette attention to small things, which is why we love it so.

    Is being Pareene’s Ginger lover in leather bondage a crteria? Seems that position, might I say, has lomg beem filled.

  42. “the Natural Supply of natural-born Wonkette writers is small.”
    So you think, dickwad. The American Spectator overflows with them.

    No giant robots or BP executives need apply?

  43. Fuck you. I’ve already had a nibble from the Kazakhstan Journal of Ornithological Diseases. The journal wants someone who can write in declarative sentences. Newell applied. Rejected. The rest is Gawker.

  44. “Jim Newell is going back to Gawker Media, after having been dismissed by Gawker Media…”

    Gawker? Really? Gawker will say anything for more page-views.

    I confess to not knowing the dramalogue here but I don’t care. You can’t just leave Wonkette for Gawker (unless a lot of coke and hookers were involved) and take yer cred with you. It don’t work that way.

    Enjoy the new iPad, Jim.

  45. I am, as always, late to the nominating process(due to events out of my control: my weekly bender!)but I third or fourth the notion of Extemporanus, as he makes me cream my manties like no other commenter on our beloved Wonkettes. Where Ye Olde Fap-Smith goeth, so goeth the rest of the drug-addled vote, remember that! Mr. Blifil, Magic Titty, and Bitchincamaro are no slouches either. If Extemporanus is eated by a sasquatch and unable to fulfill his duties, then any one of the other drunks I mentioned will suffice in his stead.

  46. I read for Wookies almost as much as I read for the Beard of the Desert or the Ginger. Make an honest man of him, won’t you?[re=586264]

  47. You seem to believe that being a female non-German person of color is NOT a full-time thing. How wrong you are, except of course in the case of Michelle Malkin, and she’s really not qualified to write for you.

  48. I would love to write about The Foreigns for Wonkette, maybe like a once a week thing on whatever lunacy is happening in the foreign countries. I did this once for the Indian election. But, I suck at meeting deadlines. On the plus side, I have a job, so I don’t expect any money from our Wonkette.

  49. Wheeee doggy!!!!!!!

    I am fully prepared to get wasted and use my sausage-link fingers to pleasure your readers.

    I know that DC has its own flag and am great at making fun of stupid Americans. I can make fun of the smart Americans too, but they usually end up being born from other countries so it isn’t as newsworthy.

    I read Wonkette on the can using my centuries old iTouchPod. And now I can even cut-n-paste on it, so I am totally ready to write my “own” material.

    I’m fucking witty and shite too.

    I’ll even hang my nutz on a truck since it seems to be something that might set me apart from the others.

    Oh christ, please let me to something for you.

  50. I realize this goes totally against the spirit of Wonkette, but non snarky suggestions follow:

    1. Tech/science/geek joy features (we are all pretty much geeks already and live to fap to tech specs)
    2. Legal issues – not just the current “Holy shit! Look what mentally challenged thing Arizona’s doing” pieces, but some coverage of the courts on a more regular basis (and goes beyond the shitty pieces most media pulls off to actually discussing the reasoning in opinions would be nice)
    3. Food – not the fucking DC restaurant scene (apologies to the 5 readers of wonkabout) but the glorious insanity that is the American palate and all the ways we develop to kill ourselves with a smile on our face. Shit, CrankTango could give you 6 months of columns on the DoubleDown alone, and the review of Frankenfoods appearing at minor league ballparks by the Veeck wannabes all over the midwest would be a thing of joy.

    I believe strongly in all of these. The food one could be absolutely great, especially if the classic snark of Wonkette was brought to bear on foodies. I think it could be the blog equivalent of setting a hungover, pissed off Anthony Bourdain loose on a room full of militant vegans blocking his way to his morning coffee and bacon.

  51. Since I cannot be as consistently humorous and insane in my post as Jonah Goldberg, I hear-by take my name out of consideration.

  52. A big fat NO vote on the teevee shit. I hates teeveez. I have never watched Lost, the Sopranos, or Sex & the City.

    Jesus God on a dump truck, please don’t do it.

  53. [re=586308]ladymacbeth[/re]: Since a million monkeys can eventually bang out the complete works of William Shakespeare, Wonkette can hire, ohhh, three or four to write articles.

  54. Seconding Wookies
    Adding Tommcatt,
    OneYield Regular,
    Magic Titty and
    Mr. Blifil
    Manchu Candidate

    Ken said six ideas right? wait, was that 5-6 tv review ideas or 5-6 wonk nominees. Extemporanus diverted my attention at ‘goodbye’.

  55. Not that anyone cares what i think, nor should they, but Wookies is a God amongst various Demi-Gods in the Wonkisphere. Shorts is in it for the realz, so i’ll go with him for the most realistic choice. I am also pretty much a fan of everyone here. Except that Loquacious person. He talks too much and wears glasses. But to reiterate: WOOKIES, I WUV YOU!

  56. I always get Ken and Jim confused. Which one is one with a harelip again?

    Anyway, congrats to whichever one is leaving. I hope you continue to bring the funny wherever you go.

    Oh, he left already?


  57. [re=586187]Extemporanus[/re]: Hey, someonez eated my brief follow-up comment that I left last week!

    It was basically this:

    On re-read, my previous comment sounded kinda “look-at-me-I’m-leavin’-too-look-at-me-look-at-me-ish” — sorry about that, it wasn’t my intent. The main reason I even mentioned anything was because 1) my name kept coming up, and moreso 2) I was reminded of some other commenters who suddenly vanished without a trace, and I admit to wondering/worrying about their well-being from time to time. I thought leaving a moldy bread crumb might be appreciated should anyone go looking for me (which they won’t.

    Anyways, and once again, in summation and closing, I’ll miss you like Jim Newell! Fuck you for leaving, and best of luck in the future!

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