AHEM. [Turning third-person voice off for first time ever.] I come with a “Tuesday Night News Dump” that will be a great source of joy to those of you who have put up with my lies for more than 2.5 years: I am leaving you people, my beloved readers, to type about politics for another Internet blog. The blog is called RedState. No just kidding, it’s Gawker.

Yes, it’s true. After replacing Alex Pareene at Wonkette in 2007, I will now replace… Alex Pareene… at Gawker’s politics slot, which he left very recently. As long as I keep blatantly copying his style, I should have steady employment for life, as he is very talented.

I am not sure when my last day at Wonkette will be — either at the end of this week or early next week. YOU WILL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW, unless someone else is.

What else… not much else, right now. I’m very excited about the new job! But it’s damn near paralyzing to think about leaving Wonkette.

This is good news for John McCain.

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  1. Don’t do it, Jim! Seriously! Alex Pareene is bound for hell, and I don’t think you want to go there!

    In all seriousness, I am very sad for me / HAPPY FOR YOU. Which is more important? HENGGHH?

  2. So Ken leaves to tramp around the wilderness, SKS leaves to have a baby spawn, and now Jim is leaving?

    So, Riley, when’s the mandatory parents-are-away houseparty?

  3. [re=585008]Suds McKenzie[/re]: Probably recapping the Real Housewives of DC.
    Seriously though, you will be missed.

  4. Oh one more thing, Jim. Are you currently training your replacement? Will you try not to forget to tell him or her to NEVER, EVAR run a funny thread based on a tip from Roscoe?

  5. Will Ken Layne have to leave his desert hideaway now, or is your replacement going to be the first slob who spare changes you on the hard streets of DC?

  6. I’m confused is this a lateral move or a demotion? Or punishment?
    I suspect Cindy McCain is behind this, that filthy cougar. Eitherway, welcome back to NY.

  7. There must be an animal carcass in the ductwork at Wonkette Central and everyone keeps leaving cause they think someone has horrible gas and they’re too nice to mention it. Nah. They’d be all over a story like that.

  8. So long, and thanks for all the snark. You (and the rest of the Wonketteers) are an oasis of relief in this political Hell we are all forced to live in.

  9. I think we need to convene a committee to investigate why everyone is leaving Wonkette suddenly. Mismanagement? A hostile workplace? A workplace that isn’t hostile enough? Fear of Ken’s awesome beard?

    Jim, don’t forget to give cupcakes to the ducks at your new jerb.

  10. You know about that Jim Newell? He always ate with his mouth open. And he smelled, too. Smelled bad all the time. I won’t miss him one bit.

    [/All’s Quiet on the Western Front]

  11. >But it’s damn near paralyzing to think about leaving Wonkette.

    DAMMIT JIM, very like as paralyzing as to think about leaving yourself.

  12. Ugh! I read this massive buzz kill news as I head to Watts to deliver stipend checks to focus group residents living in Jordan Downs. My luck is shit today, I feel a mugging coming on.

  13. What did they offer you Jim?
    Better booze?
    More attractive interns to abuse?

    I’m so glad we had this time together…
    Just to have a laugh and talk some shit,
    Seems we just get started and before you know it
    Jim gets a better spot on the corporate tit…

  14. Curious fact: two and half years is precisely the length of the “dry spell” I’ve endured in this particular marriage. So, apropos of coincidences: Thanks for the writing, Jim, but I’m hoping to get laid soon thanks.

  15. So what’s the story? There appears to be an unseemly stampede of everyone departing Wonkette. Is there something going on that we, the loyal readers should know about? (cough)like what happened to Air America(cough) I’ve seen people in less of a hurry to leave a burning building.

  16. Awww…we will miss you. I do not like how everyone at Wonkette gets too big for their britches & leaves to go to an *actual* job. But, yeah, leave that Glee & Real Housewives shit for the Gawker interns.

  17. Gah, who will read and translate the percoset/Nyquil&gin cocktail-fueled musings of Peggington Nooningtonshire for us????????????????????????

  18. Jim:

    Ya Ginger BaSturd, Ya! Good luck, Mate! After enduring the drivel of that asshole Neilist for over two years, and never banning the bugger, ya deserve a reward.

    Very truly yours,

    Lt. Col. Neilist, V.C., DSO, MM (with bar)
    Department of Hipocracy,
    Moral Degeneracy Division
    Pervert Manpower Deployment
    United States Army,
    The Pentagon

    P.S. As you leave us, remember that Benazir Bhutto is STILL DEAD!


    I always get weepy at leave-takings. Some play “Taps,” would you?

  19. Awwww crap. I remember your first days here like it was 64 years ago. Must be the cheap dope. Has it been 2.5 years? I’ve come to think of you like the son I never had only not too retarded. Good luck Mr Newell! You will be missed. I guess I can peruse Gawker once in while. Sniff. I’ll float you in a good tip once in while. Maybe. Sniff.

  20. [re=585013]Redhead[/re]: FTW.

    Can’t top that, and now I won’t even feel bad about not trying.

    Good luck, Jim, and thanks for all the laughs.

    P.S. If you want me to read you on Gawker, make their webmaster slaves figure out why that site takes so damned long to load.

  21. [re=585103]Gorillionaire[/re]: Ah, that was a classical: Who will be the next poor Mexican black railroad worker in Ohio and Virginia who is dead from money cancer?

  22. Ugh, does this mean I have to read Gawker now? I’ve tried a couple of times and they’re just, um, too annoying, I guess is the short version of it. Maybe that will change now.

    This is kind of like when TBogg went to FDL. Hey, maybe you can get them to stop truncating stories in the RSS feed!

  23. Godspeed, Jim! While at Wonkette, you put your hand out and touched the face of god.

    No one could do Dame Peggy Nooningtonshire like you did her. So to speak(eth).

  24. Shit, I’m going to miss you. Wait – no I won’t – I’ll bookmark Gawker. Good luck with the transition – to everyone involved!

  25. Christ, Jim, I hate the Gawker comment system. Guess I’ll have to get used to it.

    Just when I uploaded a new avatar here too.

  26. This is so sad that I don’t even want to talk smack about Billy Kristol.

    Before you go, Mr. Newell, we need some more secret sauce.

    We will miss you.

  27. Nooooooooooo! Don’t you know Nick Denton is eeeeeeeeeeeeeevil?!? Don’t do it, Jim! Stay here, in the loving bosom of Papa Bear’s beard.

  28. This move will increase the journalistic integrity quotient four-fold at both Wonkette and Gawker. Good luck and bon boyage.

  29. GODDAMMITT why does everyone at Wonkette leave?!

    Wonkette bloggers are vagabonds of the Internet.

    Fine. Go hop your intertube boxcar, Jim.

    Thank you for the laughs.

  30. Oh, and if you want to, you know, “lose it” before you move on, I’m always right here. I’ll even pay for the plane ride. One way…

  31. [re=585128]Holding Out for a Hero[/re]: So I found Wonkette by reading Gawker. I liked it here better…
    I found Gawker by reading Wonkette (but that was back when they were part of the same empire). But I liked it here more myself.

  32. Jim, you are like of my top 5 or 6 favorites here at Wonkette. So, on your move to other, greener pastures, I’ll offer this one suggestion: DIE IN A FIRE! I HATE YOU WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME. PERSONALLY. LITERALLY.

  33. I don’t comment at Gawker, but I read it every day. So, I’ll be seeing (reading) you. May Pareene leave for the New York Times one day.

  34. I offer my standard yet sincere congratulations on your career advancement (*ahem*), gratitude for your contributions, regrets at your leaving us, and encouragement to whomever on the Wonkette ladder of success currently has his or her hair blussedly mussed by your ascending shoe.

  35. Haha! Shazaaam, motherfucker!!111 Can’t quite recall which uber-observant W commenter it was last week who called you out on his or her uber-observant (love typing that) PROGNOSTICATION on this very subject.

    That said, should I perchance, uber-observe your unmistakably Newell-like visage anywhere south of 14th St., I would be honored to purchase one endless shots of whatever it is you drink for breakfast, providing the dramshops on the Bowery are still open for business.

    Stay thirsty, my friend. And please, do not “tele-commute”!

  36. Unacceptable. I just moved back to DC to be closer to you, Jim.

    I will need to conduct a thorough exit-interview. Naked. Please call me to book your appointment.

  37. Awwww, Jim, with you gone, I’ve got no more
    White Anglos left in our Coachella Valley to
    put the Cross(thank you Jesus) back up…
    -and I certainly cannot count on those
    GOD DAMN CANADIANS!!(sorry Jesus)

    Wait a minute, you’re switching over to Gawker
    -since they can’t even afford to pay attention,
    they probably won’t be paying for relocation.

  38. But I do not want this to happen! Was it the sexual harassment? The ginger harassment? Ken, I think we need to have a talk about staff retention. Good luck to you Mr. Newell, guess I’ll have to read Gawker now.

  39. my fiance’ and i spent some of our first bonding moments reading jim newell. we’re getting married this weekend. thanks for the worst wedding present ever, ginger.

  40. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo! How could you abondan us, Jim?

    Your rants will be missed but will follow you to Gawker. Does that mean you’re moving to New York. If so, you will have your very own stalker.

  41. Good luck to you, Jimbo (what?, I guess now that you’re a big shot over at the gawker you will now be referred to as ‘JImbo). You will be missed.

  42. Aw man, as a ginger I always thought we’d be represented at Wonkette, as the memory of AMC continued to guide the place; but now there’s nothing.

    First, they came for the college girls missing an “e” in their name;
    Then, they came for the bespectacled new moms;
    Then, they came for the gingers.

  43. What, they were willing to give you a bigger banhammer? If you can get rid of those poncy Gawker commenters, I might visit…

  44. First Sarah Palin quits and now Newell. America is in a comedy crisis kids.

    All I can think about are the rambling and immortal words of our favorite Alaskan snowbilly grifter and quitter:

    “And one chooses how to react to circumstances. You can choose to engage in things that tear down, or build up. I choose to work very hard on a path for fruitfulness and productivity. I choose NOT to tear down and waste precious time; but to build UP this state and our country, and her industrious, generous, patriotic, free people!

    Life is too short to compromise time and resources… it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: “Sit down and shut up”, but that’s the worthless, easy path; that’s a quitter’s way out. And a problem in our country today is apathy. It would be apathetic to just hunker down and “go with the flow”.

    Nah, only dead fish “go with the flow”.”

    May you never be a dead fish, Mr. Newell.

  45. This is what it sounds like when doves cry.

    Dammit, can’t you get an emotionally fulfilling job as a PR flack for BP or something?

  46. Aww, we’ll miss you over here, Jim. I loved the Peggington Noonington updates from the banking pamphlet. Good luck with the new job and I hope this place doesn’t go all to hell.

  47. It’s starting already
    -Mediaite is all weepy, sobby on the passing of Jim Newell

    …which means Jeanne Moos of CNN should be editing a segment
    to air any day now.

  48. Somewhere…a polar bear dances to Petula Clark.

    You always reminded me a little of TV’s Frank.

    Now you no longer have no where to go but up–think about that one. That’ll put the fear in you.

    We were good together, weren’t we?

  49. Oh…and Jim. Over a gawker, I’m like, a Junior Commander Cody Commenter, or whatever–once you’re Queen of the County, may I be real boy?

  50. Good work and best of luck in yr. new position!

    Ken will be taking applications from commenters here for your old position, I trust?

  51. Can I be the new Intern Riley when he leaves? I promise to lose like 75 pounds so I can sub for him in shape as well as position.

  52. Then, I call on you in the
    name of Liberty, of patriotism &
    every thing dear to the American
    character, to come to our aid,
    with dispatch —– The enemy is
    receiving reinforcements daily &
    will no doubt increase to three or
    four thousand in four or five days.
    If this call is neglected, I am deter-
    mined to sustain myself as long as
    possible & die like a soldier
    who never forgets what is due to
    his own honor & that of his
    country —– Victory or Death

    Jim Newell
    Lt. Col. Comdt

  53. If Mr Newell has been reading the Public Service Announcements this website runs in its left margin in lieu of actual Renters, I believe he is already acquainted with the sound Parting Advice I was going to offer, regarding the symptoms of Lupus.

    In a similarly terrifying vein, may I then suggest that he maintain the same sort of corporeal rigor in assiduously avoiding touching– and most especially sitting— anywhere on the Gawker properties one might reasonably surmise Moe Tckacik to have previously occupied.

    Also, as a matter of some minor housekeeping, Mr Newell has still not made payment to me of my “iPhone.”

  54. Christ, I’m always the last to hear anything.

    Someone please clear this up for me – does this mean Gawker is better than Wonkette?

  55. But who will wield the mighty ban hammer now?

    And who will lead us into war, brilliantly dressed in his armor as only a God-King of a war blog can?

    Why must the good always die young?

    Well, take one last late night booze run with Liz before you leave.

    I, for one, will always remember you as someone I’ve read.

  56. All these DC-centric yokels are right, it will be oooooh so hard to find your stuff and read it now, why, we will have to put Gawker in our bookmarks. Oh, wait, I already have it there since it was the 1st Denton success. Welcome to the big town, even if you chose to live there in Mayberry for a little bit longer.

  57. How can you make jokes at such a sad time? Is everything funny to you, Wonkett?

    I remember many, many years ago, last year, when Ken, Sara and Jim were the editors and I could identify the writer of the post just by reading the first sentence or two. I always knew Jim’s posts because they were especially hysterical. You’ll be missed, dude.

  58. He really couldn’t stand the number of blowjobs (given or received) that had to happen every single working day at Wonkette. It just wore a soul out.

  59. Aw, we hardly knew ye.

    And really, Gawker? I tried it, but it brought on projectile vomiting, and then I couldn’t read anything on my puter.

  60. Oh damn, this is all about me and now having another place to go and try to come up with original snark.

    Jim, good luck to you in the new job.

  61. This is how I will remember Jim.

    Jim grew up at the Wonkette, a happy, healthy child in a bright world of illustrated books, clean sand, orange trees, friendly dogs, sea vistas and smiling faces. Around him the splendid Wonkette revolved as a kind of private universe, a whitewashed cosmos within the blue greater one that blazed outside. From the aproned pot-scrubber to the flanneled potentate, everybody liked Jim, everybody petted him. Elderly American ladies leaning on their canes listed toward Jim like towers of Pisa. Ruined Russian princesses and Meghan, who could not stand Ken, bought Jim expensive bonbons. Ken took Jim out boating and biking, taught him to swim and dive and water-ski, read to Jim from Don Quixote and Les Misérables, and Jim adored and respected Ken and felt glad for him whenever Jim overheard Juli and Sarah discuss Ken’s various lady-friends, beautiful and kind beings who made much of Jim and cooed and shed precious tears over his cheerful editor ways.

    That’s how I’ll always remember Jim.

  62. Adios, Jim. Your jeremiads were a great pleasure, as was your English major erudition put to the worst possible use. Good luck!

  63. Oh I am so not OK with this. Gawker?? Jim you can surely do better.

    Somebody should call me. I have money and trained killer dogs.

  64. Just in the last nine hours I watched the last episode of 24, the Lakers lost in front of 18,000 Arizonans, and two lit agents sent rejection letters.

    And now this.

    Things are looking up!

    imissopus has issues with emotional intimacy and will probably resent you forever for abandoning him. Also he resents people who can work in their pajamas. Good luck!

  65. Sporadic snarker, & frequent fan. The Wonkette is going to lose a major source of precious piss & vinegar when you go. Hope the intern can teach a Doberman (or a gigantic feral anthropomorphic mouse) to type.

    Remember to not let them catch you swiping the butt-floss out of the john.

  66. Dammit JIm. Who can ever replace you? What about having rotating Wonkette editors – rotate for several months at a time among the most senior, funniest commenters?

  67. Well, hell.

    I am old enough to understand that change is inevitable but not yet sage enough to prevent my despair when it happens. I visit the mighty Denton machine daily so I realize I’m not really losing you Mr. Newell. This fact, at the moment, does not console me.


  68. Enjoy yourself, it’s later than you think
    Enjoy yourself, while you’re still in the pink
    The years go by, as quickly as you wink
    Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself,
    It’s later than you think…

    …I’ll definitely miss you and your editorial slant.

  69. Jim Newell, didn’t he use to be at Wonkette? Was he the one who looked like Ben Affleck’s beer-bloated younger brother or the other one? Now Ana Marie Cox — that is a former employee!

    Nah, goodbye and best wishes. We promise not to believe half the stuff they say about Gawker — and you can now post on Wonkette about how much cooler it was when Jim was here.

  70. jim, you’ve kept me sane since the summer of 08.. the way you laugh at things that make you angry has helped me deal with my unfortunate tendency to care about the state of the world.. i hold you entirely responsible for what may happen now.. ok, ok, i’ll read gawker.. but it won’t be the sane – i mean same –
    thanks so much –

  71. Gawker? GAWKER? Jesus Krispy Kremes, Jim, that doesn’t even warrant a “Bless Your Heart.” FINE. Good luck anyway, and know that you’ll be missed!

  72. So sad! Did Denton offer to pay you more clamshells than Layne does? Or indeed, did he offer to pay you in real money for a change? That would be sweet… Anyway, I’d prefer you to remain poor, funny, and at Wonkette than slightly less poor, funny(?), and at bloody Gawker. You have always been solid gold, my friend. Solid gold! Perhaps you’ll manage to bring a little class to that outfit as well.

  73. [re=585225]What? No![/re]: So… the Jim Newell character *was* the black smoke???? WTF I can’t follow this Wonkette thing at all.

    So does this mean Wonkette is purgatory and Gawker is real or vice versa? And who the fuck is Whitmore? Layne or Denton?


    Good luck, Jim. Thanks for all of the links to my craptastic blog, the Weblog Awards wars, and a helluva lotta belly laughs.

  74. Hah! I won’t be missing the long candlelit walks, fine dining, and barefoot romps through Foggy Bottom, nor thinking of the way your throat glistens in the moonlight when you laugh that laugh of yours, nor remembering the lingering scent of peonies….NO! NOT HARDLY!

  75. Don’t worry, Jim, I’m sure that one day you won’t have to settle for Pareene’s sloppy seconds (that said, either one is like settling for sloppy seconds on Jessica Biel or something).

    But no matter what Denton tells you, it’s not okay if he touches you in your special place. You need to tell somebody if he does that, okay?

  76. Fuck! This is terrible news. Gawker truly sucks donkey balls, especially compared to Wonkette. Jim you were one of my favorites. You will be missed, especially since Gawker pukes up so much useless content I won’t be able to find your work in the stream of shit. Oh well. Write a book or something so I can buy it! Don’t get me wrong, I know that we owe Pareene much, but this is really too bad.

  77. Cock! Balls! Cock! Balls! Dork! Gawk! Knock! Stork! Flunk! Stink!

    Will my tubes and trucks still connect to the Gawker? Whatever that is. — Ted Stevens

  78. I’m old and I hate change, except when I thought Hopey was an actual liberal.

    Damn, Jim–Does this mean there is no one between us and Ken? He kind of scares me. I trusted your ginger-haired youthful outlook to protect us. On the other hand, if you’re still as young as you were when I started posting about how you look sixteen, this is pretty big deal. Good luck. Don’t forget us.

  79. [re=585536]Prommie[/re]: Me, too and I obviously posted before I read this. Let’s figure out a way to flatter Ken and make he think we really like him, and maybe he’ll be nice. Or, I could lurk. Except I always have to write something.

    I’m catching up, so to cheer myself up I’m going to read the one about Sarah Palin being a bust at a trade show.

    Except if Jim wrote it . . . I don’t think I can handle this.

  80. [re=586261]wheelie[/re]: Um, sorry, I meant I am delighted for Jim with his new position and wish him the best and . . . ok. But fuck it, this is a decent blog, one of the few, and Nick Denton sold off Wonkette ages ago, so it’s a bit annoying when he comes back poaching some of the talent. *shakes fist at Gawker*

    Also, this is not good news and I am pissed off . . .

    So goodbye then Jim Newell, you were the life and soul here. We knew that you deserved to go on some day to better things.

    Instead, you are going to Gawker. *rimshot*

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