Michele Bachmann Finally Finds Something She Won’t Talk About

  silence is golden

America’s second most-hated Republican woman, Michele Bachmann, has always been comfortable expressing her views on the important political issues of the day, such as Americans’ constitutional right to use incandescent light bulbs, and the need to liberate millions of innocent unborn babies from Obama’s Maoist reeducation camps. But now there is one thing in this world that she will not talk about. Can you guess what it is? Hint: It’s libertarian, lives in a segregated school bus at the Kentucky Derby, and is currently hiding behind a pile of inflation-proof gold doubloons so the teevee people won’t find it.

That’s right — it’s the Rand Paul monster!

“I’m not commenting on Rand Paul,” Bachmann told a group of reporters, who caught up with her while she was delivering fruit baskets and living-wage jobs to the residents of St. Paul’s homeless shelters. “I’ve got to focus on my race,” she explained.

Why is anti-sexist woman Michele Bachmann suddenly oppressing herself like this? Until now, we have always been able to count on her steadfast refusal (inability?) to filter her thoughts. What kind of message does this send to the young women of America, who need dependable role models?

Looks like it’s time for Sarah Palin to round up her team of mama grizzlies and pink elephants and have a talk with BFF-sister Bachmann, before she starts showing the restraint characteristic of a sane person on a regular basis (“going rogue”). Or before all of the snow women in their respective, freezing-cold states start wearing burqas, whichever comes first. [Minneapolis Star Tribune]

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About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple

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45 comments

  1. YellowKid

    Any story that involves Michele B. not talking about something constitutes
    “good news” by today’s standards!

  2. Terry

    Man, Rand Paul should see that as a wake up call. If you are too far out there for Michelle Bachmann, you need to reassess your whole life.

  3. V572625694

    Thanks to Lauri, she’ll always be Congressvixen Michelle Bachmann in my mind. And an asshole.

  4. AllHat

    “I’m not commenting on Rand Paul … because I can’t without wetting my pants!”

  5. the problem child

    “I’ve got to focus on my race,” she explained.

    See, she did answer the question. The dumb librul media just didn’t hear her. Her white supremacist supporters did, though.

  6. BOOBIES!

    “I’ve got to focus on my race,” she explained.

    Rand Paul agrees. He doesn’t want his race mingling with other races at the lunch counter.

  7. NJB

    Shucks. And I was so looking forward to her lucid and penetrating insights into Libertarianism too.

  8. bfstevie

    Apparently she’s the secret square. In the middle, between Jim J. Bullock and Charo.

  9. germansteel

    It’s hard to out-stupid Michelle Bachmann, but Randy Paul did it.

    I don’t know if he can do the same to Sarah, though. She’s in a class by herself.

  10. ManchuCandidate

    Three Bachmann’s: see no Paultardism, hear no Paultardism, and sure as hell speak no Paultardism.

  11. JMP

    Michelle’s refusal to defend the racist Randroid must mean that her reelection is doubtful enough that she feels the need to dial back on the insanity and racism; at least I hope so. To have her out of Congress would be so sweet.

  12. FMA

    [re=584419]Terry[/re]: This is akin to the famous meeting during which Keith Richards warned Gram Parsons to moderate his drug and alcohol intake.

  13. Manos: Hands of Fate

    Mitch McConnell intalled a electric dog collar on her thigh which will go off anytime she starts talking about anyone named Paul or civil rights legislation.

    Believe me, it hurts like hell.

  14. PabaBritannica

    Is Reason still defending this Randyl Paul guy or have they finally read about more opinions of his other than the ones related to the DEA? Oh, wait, that’s like 75% of what they write about anyway.

    Libertarians are like the protagonist of the movie The Dancing Outlaw. If they could just focus on issues like war and death and torture and privacy and even in some odd cases the markets, they’d be ok, like the protagonist if he stuck to dancing. But they can’t because they insist on spending so much time on drugs and the tyrannical garbage worker’s union who causes more harm than a 10 megaton bomb and how green jobs are stupid because Ayn Rand would not approve of their rationality, so they’re like him when he insists on being a terrible Elvis impersonator instead.

    I hope someone gets that.

  15. I Heart Accuracy

    When Bachmann says “Rand Paul” replace it with “My Penis.” It just makes sense.

  16. Gorillionaire

    It’s time for reporters to work “Rand Paul” into every single question they ever ask Bachmann.

  17. Lascauxcaveman

    Great shot of the neck wattles. Y’know, Mish, you take about 15 years off if you had some work done there.

  18. The Unfairman

    Freezing cold state? It was 95 degrees here yesterday in MN, I’ll have you know! And the expected high today is 91!

    *mumble* Man, I really gave Lauri what-for! */mumble*

  19. Ruhe

    This proves that Michelle does not love Rand. If she loved him she’d block his progress any way she could, a la Dominique F., for surely he is too good for us.

  20. thefrontpage

    Taking bets now on when the lesbian sex scandal involving Bachmann and another prominent crazy Republican woman–possibly one that rhymes with whalen–breaks. I say July.

  21. Mr Blifil

    “Let’s change the subject, hey what? Hoo boy how ’bout them cop killers, they in NO WAY represent the kind of anti-government patriotism we aspire to, nosiree Jose!”

    All in all not a great time to be a right wing media whore. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

  22. JMP

    [re=584498]V572625694[/re]: If only the Dems had has a 2007 nominee whose name didn’t inspire laughter.

  23. The Silver Fox

    This is the sign of a defeated Bachmann. She probably ran back to her office and fired her Comm Director because he/she couldn’t come up with something crazier than ‘I’m so-so on the Civil Rights Act.’

  24. An Outhouse

    I don’t think Bachmann views Paul as crazy but as competition. Having Palin around is bad enough but at least can be spun as a herd of elephants, or rabid bears, or whatever. No dudes in allowed in their clubhouse.

  25. GOPCrusher

    Maybe she saw the shitstorm Rand Paul caused himself last week and came to the realization that espousing batshyt crazy ideals every time someone shoves a microphone or camera in your face, is not a winning combination. They’ve told anyone that will listen for the last year and a half that they speak for “the majority of Americans” and the truth has clubbed them upside the head that the lunatic fringe does not equal the majority of Americans.

  26. norbizness

    “Plus, the question of racial integration in my district would be purely hypothetical.”

  27. lawrenceofthedesert

    Minnesota investigative reporters need to focus on who is financing Bachmann’s trove of valuable 1960′s Mary Tyler Moore clothes from “The Dick Van Dyke Show.” (Let out considerably, of course.) She might comment on Baby Doc Paul if someone convinced her he is channeling Morey Amsterdam.

  28. Tundra Grifter

    [re=584424]the problem child[/re]: Would that be the “White KKKulture” Glum Bleek thinks so highly of?

    You betcha!

  29. Extemporanus

    “Wuddyagonnado, amiriteoramirite? Ha ha whooaa!..

    So aaannnyways, as I was saying, I layed face down on the counter, grabbed a 4″ heel in each fist, and pulled my legs back until the soles of my Manolos were almost touching my shoulder blades.

    What happened next is kind of a blur, and not just because of the blindfold and Bacardi…”

  30. Ducksworthy

    [re=584498]V572625694[/re]: [re=584498]V572625694[/re]: Elwyn Tinkleberg versus Michele Bachmann made sense to me in 2008. Clearly I’ve been here too long.

Comments are closed.