The lingering recession, depression and/or global worldwide meltdown has continued to put the fate of DC’s beloved Screen on the Green in jeopardy. This is horrible news, but it should all work out in the end just like it did last year, lest we’ll have to settle and watch a film on a different green at one of the many, many other outdoor film festivals happening in the District this summer. In the meantime, DC does have other beloved summer institutions, including Jazz in the Garden, which no economic downturn will ever take away. Hopefully.
Jazz in the Sculpture Garden begins this Friday, May 28, at 5PM. As long as you follow this simple list of Do’s and Don’ts, you won’t even realize that you’re spending an evening outside in the humid hellhole that is DC during the summer.
- Don’t treat the garden like the middle seat on an airplane. People will try to squish in between you and the people you were trying not to sit that close to in the first place, meaning that no matter what, you will be cramped on the grass. You might as well get cozy from the start.
- Don’t wait in line for the sangria. If you do, you’ll spend hours in line and miss out on all that time you could have spent enjoying the company of your friends and the alcohol you brought from home.
- Only you’re not supposed to bring your own alcohol, so, uh, don’t do that. Right? Right. Glad we had that talk.
- Always share your bottle opener, which you will use to open all those non-alcoholic beverages you brought from home, with your neighbors.
- If it looks like it’s going to rain, go, leave, run, fast. Weather.com is always wrong, but for some reason they get their Friday afternoon forecast right. If they say it’s going to rain, don’t go to the wide open green pasture where there’s NOTHING for you to take cover under when the heavens explode.
- No one actually goes for the Jazz. Don’t be that guy and shush people. Ha ha, no really, don’t shush people. It’s pointless and people will laugh at you and then think about hurting you. This is not an event for music aficionados.
- The garden is full of adorable kids and overly affectionate couples. If you hate kids or just got dumped we recommended attending another Friday night activity.
- Don’t wade in the water. It’s nasty and doing so will probably cause your legs to fall off.