THE HORROR ... THE HORROR  2:44 pm May 21, 2010

Monster Island For Sale by Department of Homeland Security

by Ken Layne

Hear him howlin' around your kitchen door, better not let him in. Little old lady got mutilated late last night ....America’s most mysterious animal-disease mad-scientist Military Laboratory, the secret fear factory known as Plum Island, is shutting down and moving to Kansas. Why would a highly secure (?) facility that studies livestock diseases on a remote isle move to the absolute center of the American livestock industry, where one loose spore of Manufactured Anthrax-AIDS-Cancer-Foot & Mouth disease could wipe out the nation’s entire stock of cow anus parts used to make Fast Food Hamburgers? Ha ha, that question kind of answers itself, doesn’t it? Plus, Long Island should not have the exclusive right to be terrified by the kinds of hybrid hell-beasts created by government scientists just for laffs.

The Associated Press reports:

The GAO said Plum Island scientists research such pathogens as foot-and-mouth disease, which is highly contagious to livestock and could cause “catastrophic economic losses” and imperil the nation’s food supply.

“Other pathogens known to have been maintained at Plum Island could also cause illness and death in humans,” the GAO said ….

U.S. Rep. Timothy Bishop, whose district includes Plum Island, is not convinced the move to Kansas is a good idea. He said in a letter to a House homeland security subcommittee this week that the sale of Plum Island could fetch $50 million to $80 million — not counting cleanup costs. Bishop said that would hardly cover the costs of building a new $650 million lab in Kansas.

Right after the terrorist fist jab, Obama bowed to the monster.
It’s a great idea, if you want to either kill off about 95% of Americans by poisoning their Extra Value Meals with weapons-grade Human Brucellosis-HIV. Look how well the Diabetes Epidemic is working, after government scientists began loading weapons-grade corn syrup into all packaged foods during the Reagan Administration.

But some say the plan may be more benevolent, perhaps part of Fitness Czar Michelle Obama’s secret plot to get everybody off hamburgers and pig and other hamburger-and-pig-based food products, such as “Domino’s Pizza” and “Slim Jims” and “Children’s Tylenol.”

It's a baby river otter, come on you nuts.Meanwhile, a monster as terrifying as Plum Island’s infamous “Montauk Monster” has been discovered along a river in Canada. Canada! Remember when you libtards were all going to “move to Canada” if George W. Bush became president in 2000 and/or 2004? Yeah well our government set up monster labs already, under “Canadian” cover, so just smoke some more marijuana and leave another comment on HuffPo, about Ke$ha:

The Toronto Star reports:

Two Health Canada nurses training at the Kitchenuhmaykoosib Band reserve south of Hudson’s Bay said their dog Sam hauled out the 30-centimetre creature it found in early May floating face down near the causeway on the reserve, band spokesman Darryl Sainnawap told the Star.

The nurses themselves have been posted elsewhere, and staff at the nursing station won’t talk. “We work for the federal government,” said one. “We’re under a gag order.”

Sainnawap rejected speculation that it could be a man-made hybrid created for pictures.

“We don’t play God here.”

Sure you don’t, Canada. Sure you don’t. [The Star/Yahoo-AP]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


Extemporanus May 21, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Boy, it sure didn’t take long for Wall Street to even the score with Kansas over that whole Waddell & Reed e-kerfuffle.

Clancy_Pants May 21, 2010 at 2:50 pm

While I too disagree with this move (it’d be like Gitmo detainees going to N. Illinois bringing terrorists families to middle America) may I suggest just a spot jsut off I-70 at Exit 70 West of Oakley:

Snarkalicious May 21, 2010 at 2:50 pm

Plum Island + Mud Hut + Huge Fucking Satellite Dish = New Wonkette Headquarters.

I got 5 on it.

memzilla May 21, 2010 at 2:54 pm

“We work for the federal government… we’re under a gag order.”

Besides the usually exceptionally laudable comedic prose of Msgr. Layne, this is the bestestest triple entendre of the afternoon. WIN!!1!!

Crankenstank May 21, 2010 at 2:54 pm

Fortunately Senator Moreau is fillibustering the sale.

SmutBoffin May 21, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Jesus. Whatta bunch of lame monsters. Why can’t our tax dollars go to scientists who make the killa shit, like chupacabras and Scanners and whatever kinda vile recombo-DNA project Joseph Lieberman is?

SayItWithWookies May 21, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Oh, relax — I’m sure they’ve filed the proper disaster mitigation plan with the MMS, so everything’s taken care of.

Extemporanus May 21, 2010 at 2:56 pm

By the way, Ken, nice genetically mutated Dr. Moreau reference in the subhead.

freakishlystrong May 21, 2010 at 2:57 pm

“Kitchenuhmaykoosib” sweet fancy Moses, what the ever lovin’ fuck is that?

Extemporanus May 21, 2010 at 2:58 pm

[re=582819]Crankenstank[/re]: [re=582824]Extemporanus[/re]: Dammmmnnnn yoooouuuu!!

Pilate May 21, 2010 at 2:59 pm

Not to go on all-fours; that is the Law. Are we not Men?

Pilate May 21, 2010 at 3:00 pm

[re=582819]Crankenstank[/re]: Dammit!

BklynIlluminati May 21, 2010 at 3:00 pm

Let me be the first to say buyer beware

PeteJayhawk v2.0 May 21, 2010 at 3:01 pm

Hey, don’t besmirch my former home’s farmers. Only I can do that. As signs along the road in the Sunflower State gleefully state, “One Kansas Farmer Feeds 128 People + YOU.”


gjdodger May 21, 2010 at 3:06 pm

“We’re under a gag order.”

And doing a very good job of it. This entire story made me gag.

Troubledog May 21, 2010 at 3:13 pm

“If there are mutants out there, Obama will find some way to tax them too”, said Bat Boy, 47, of Montauk Island. “That man won’t stop until he gets the last nickel from my toxic waste lined pockets.”

Lascauxcaveman May 21, 2010 at 3:15 pm

[/goes off to YouTube to find a video for The Dickies Monster Island.]

[/returns sadly, emptyhanded]

willdude May 21, 2010 at 3:17 pm

Good thing Monster Island is just a name… it’s actually a peninsula.

Mr Blifil May 21, 2010 at 3:26 pm

[re=582824]Extemporanus[/re]: You may be mistaken, sir. I believe the reference is to 1969′s Godzilla’s Revenge the first of what would be many appearances of Monster Island. The plot of each involved some insufferably cute femmeboy in immaculate white socks and short pants sneaking onto Monster Island and bearing witness to epic fights among the various monsters, while only rarely being directly exposed to danger himself. I remember the one where he fucking befriends Godzilla’s little baby son. Excruciatingly saccharin and made even my adolescent self feel ashamed for having anything to do with monster movies.

JMP May 21, 2010 at 3:27 pm

Maybe the Canadians aren’t willing to play god, but good old Americans will:
U.S. scientists create first ‘synthetic life’

Terry May 21, 2010 at 3:27 pm


Those are the projects of the lab outside of Midland, Tx.

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 21, 2010 at 3:35 pm

Wait, I thought that Canadians were already some sort of human-alien hybrid.

natoslug May 21, 2010 at 3:59 pm

[re=582890]JMP[/re]: I prefer playing doctor.

arewethereyet May 21, 2010 at 4:23 pm

What? Arizona wasn’t good enough?

Vulpes82 May 21, 2010 at 4:40 pm

It’s a turtle without its shell!

Jim89048 May 21, 2010 at 4:42 pm

[re=582977]Vulpes82[/re]: Mitch? ‘zat you?

Sarjo May 21, 2010 at 4:47 pm

“their dog Sam hauled out the 30-centimetre creature”

HAULED a 30cm critter? Is this “Sam” some kinda crip? Hoser.

chascates May 21, 2010 at 4:55 pm

Plum Island will be used as the re-edumacation center for real patriots.

I hope.

Lascauxcaveman May 21, 2010 at 5:04 pm

[re=582984]Sarjo[/re]: “their dog Sam hauled out the 30-centimetre creature”

My conversion widget tells me that’s just *under* one American-non-communist foot long.

Maybe its just the teeth that were that long. That would be a decent monster.

Sarjo May 21, 2010 at 5:18 pm

[re=583010]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Or body was 0.5 inches long, teeth 11.5 inches. I knew me a ferret like that once. Cute lil fella…

Words May 21, 2010 at 5:20 pm

Wasn’t Plum Island where Hannibal the Cannibal was asked politely to go to by sweet Agent Starling?

glamourdammerung May 21, 2010 at 5:45 pm

Is this going to be the new home of Wonkette Manor?

[re=583042]Words[/re]: Yes.

imissopus May 21, 2010 at 6:59 pm

Somewhere Randall Flagg is rubbing his hands together and cackling.

Extemporanus May 22, 2010 at 4:59 am

[re=582885]Mr Blifil[/re]: My convoluted line of reasoning went something like this:

“The horror…the horror” subhead > “The horror…the horror” famously spoken by character of “Kurtz” in Francis Ford Coppola’s 1979 film Apocalypse Now > character of “Kurtz” played by actor Marlon Brando > Marlon Brando played character of “Dr. Moreau” in John Frankenheimer’s 1996 film The Island of Dr. Moreau > The Island of Dr. Moreau involved unethically-created, hideous, human-animal hybrids > Plum Island is a known hotbed of unethically-created, hideous, human-animal hybrid activity > ???? > PROFIT!

However, I will defer to your clearly more intimate knowledge of insufferably cute femmeboys in immaculate white socks and short pants (Rand Paul?!), and concede that Godzilla’s Revenge did indeed serve as the inspiration for the subhead reference in question.


loquaciousmusic May 22, 2010 at 9:50 am

True story: I wrote a young adult novel a few years ago based on the “Montauk Monster” and Plum Island. I still have the rejection letter from a literary agent in Boston!

schvitzatura May 22, 2010 at 11:04 am

[re=583042]Words[/re]: That’s only a part of the island. There’s a very, very nice beach. Terns nest there.

MsQuasimodo May 23, 2010 at 2:24 am

[re=582820]SmutBoffin[/re]: Cue X-Files theme song. Yeah, those evil Consortium doodz like Cigarette Smoking Man in the X-Files knew what they were doing. They – or someone – created some freaky shit that would have taken out Cheney and Co. in a millisecond.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: