Rand Paul Is An Endless Internet Comedy Machine

  great political thinkers of our time

I forgot my pants.  IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.You know, OCCASIONALLY your Wednesday-Friday morning editor feels kind of bad about piling onto a particular politician, no matter how odious/loopy his or her views. I mean, they’ve gotten pretty far in life, so probably they’re smarter than the out-of-context quotes in the “gotcha media” would imply, right? Plus, isn’t it just laziness on our parts? Shouldn’t your Wonkette be seeking out brave new frontiers instead of putting up yet another “holy shit, Rand Paul is crazy” post? But then Rand Paul does things like defending BP and pooping all over dead coal miners live on national TV, so, uh, here’s another “holy shit, Rand Paul is crazy” post.

After having kind of a bad first couple of days as an officially anointed Republican candidate for the Senate, Dr. Rand Paul went on Good Morning America today. Your morning editor doesn’t watch teevee news, on principle, plus the TV is all the way downstairs, but these morning shows are generally pretty softball-y, yes? Anyway, this is what Dr. Rand Paul had to say about British Petroleum, a foreign company that owned an oil rig in American waters that blew up and killed 11 people and is still, at this very moment, dumping lots and lots of oil into the Gulf of Mexico:

What I don’t like from the president’s administration is this sort of, “I’ll put my boot heel on the throat of BP.” I think that sounds really un-American in his criticism of business. And I think it’s part of this sort of blame-game society in the sense that it’s always got to be somebody’s fault instead of the fact that maybe sometimes accidents happen.

To re-emphasize: Barack Obama’s criticism of the company that owned the thing that blew up and killed people and will affect the livelihoods of millions, and his proposal that maybe said company should pay for the damage caused, even if those damages amount to more than the lowball $75 million cap currently in place by law, and that indeed said cap should be raised — this is antithetical to American values, and is indeed the equivalent of standing on somebody’s throat. Because accidents happen, and there was actually, literally, no way BP could have ever prevented it.

Then Dr. Rand Paul, who is running for Senate in a state with a not-insubstantial coal mining industry, and is presumably courting many coal miners for their votes, made the following statement, on national television:

We had a mining accident that was very tragic. … Then we come in and it’s always someone’s fault. Maybe sometimes accidents happen.

It is true that sometime accidents happen! It is also true that there is a concept that lies between “active, malicious attempts to harm” and “unpreventable events that could never be foreseen.” It is into this realm that the legal concept known as “negligence” falls, a concept that is pretty well established in American law. One of the most common situations in which this legal concept might be important is one in which a company involved in resource extraction fails to minimize the risk of an accident, because doing so would cut into said company’s profits, and as a result people die.

Rand Paul, everybody. Jesus. [WaPo]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

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197 comments

  1. MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend

    Is he for real, or just the very awful senate-hopeful version of Tony Carcetti from the wire?

  2. Clancy_Pants

    He’s a doctor. Negligence doesn’t happen “it’s part of this sort of blame-game society in the sense that it’s always got to be somebody’s fault instead of the fact that maybe sometimes accidents happen”

  3. JMP

    First, they came for the companies whose illegal practices lead directly to their employees’ deaths and untold amounts of damage to the environment, and I said nothing, because fuck, those assholes deserve a hell of a lot worse than just paying restitution.

  4. penalcolony

    ” . . . they’ve gotten pretty far in life, so probably they’re smarter than the out-of-context quotes in the “gotcha media” would imply, right?”

    Not always.

    “A monkey could be a doctor. I’m not kidding. You just have to go to school.”
    – Eddie Henderson, psychiatrist and noted jazz trumpeter

  5. natoslug

    He’s right, accidents happen. Especially greedy fucks with a complete disregard for anything other than their own wealth are put in charge of things. But seriously, as a free-market fellater, shouldn’t Rand be arguing for the damage caps to be lifted? Surely the market can correct itself without some silly regulation limiting responsibility.

  6. rikitikitavi

    Accidents happen? Seriously? Safety regulations have no point if someone is not responsible for making certain they are followed–someone MUST be responsible, MUST be able to take the blame, if something goes wrong. Otherwise, regulations are no more than friendly suggestions–you can follow them if you want to, but, hey, no sweat, accidents happen.

    Does Rand Paul think that the U.S. oil and coal industries are run by kindergartners?

  7. chascates

    Via TPM DC:
    Walter Block, a libertarian professor of economics at Loyola University, and a senior fellow with the libertarian Ludwig Von Mises Institute, went further. “I think anyone who doesn’t believe that isn’t a libertarian,” he said, calling Paul’s comment “a very mainstream libertarianism.”

    “I’m delighted that Rand Paul said that,” an enthusiastic Block added. “I think it’s magnificent. I didn’t realize that he was that good.”

    “The spirit of non-discrimination,” said Block “ends you right up in compulsory bisexuality.”

  8. Terry

    This is what libertarianism taken to extreme actually is. Don’t regulate an industry, if a company makes a bad product and hurts people, people will stop buying that product.

    Apply that approach to politics perhaps? If a politician says or does things that people don’t like or hurts then, people should not vote for him/her. Too bad that doesn’t always hold true.

  9. ManchuCandidate

    It’s only, what, the third day as the official KY GOPer senate candidate and he’s already gone full Paultard?

    Makes one almost miss the bat shitty insanity and bitchiness of Jim “I’ll bean my own grandkids in the head with a baseball if they even think of digging in at the plate” Bunning.

  10. JMP

    [re=582454]Clancy_Pants[/re]: True; doctors are always whining when they actually have to pay just because they messed up a little and left a patient permanently disabled or dead. No wonder he feels sympathy for the poor corporations; hey, everyone makes mistakes sometimes!

  11. Prommie

    Read between the lines here, and you will see the typical MD’s kneejerk hatred for all lawyers, and rejection of the concept of “negligence.” Doctors simply cannot allow themselves to think that their mistakes were preventable (I know he is not what a jewish mother would call a “real doctor, but the fake doctors are just as bad). Now thats on the purely personal side, he also will be anti-tort lawsuit on libertarian grounds as well, and when you get the personal animosity of a doctor combined with fucktarded libertarian rejection, well, you’ve got someone who, I guarantee, hold some views on the courts and lawyers and lawsuits that would make you fall down if he ever said what he thinks. Someone needs to ask Dr. Paul directly, what he thinks of the legal system, because I can already tell from his libertarian code when he said “blame-game society,” that given his druthers, the first thing he’d do is kill all the lawyers.

  12. ph7

    The Party of Personal Responsibility Accidents Happen.

    Economic Collapse = Accidents Happen
    Govt Ignores Warnings that Terrorists Plotting to Crash Jets = Accidents Happen
    War in Iraq = Accidents Happen
    Blacks Allowed Civil Rights = Accidents Happen

  13. MMS

    And now, my performance piece, entitled “Negligence, Gross Negligence, Recklessness”:

    Whoops, the ophthalmologist shredded your eye with an uncalibrated Lasik machine. It’s okay, though, ’cause accidents happen.

    Whoops, we let the blow out preventer rust at the bottom of the sea and had actual notice it was FUBARED. It’s okay, though, ’cause accidents happen.

    Whoops, I was driving 120 MPH through an active school zone and wiped out a crowd of third graders. It’s okay, though, ’cause accidents happen.

  14. Prommie

    [re=582471]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Surprised? Who could possibly be more Paultarded than the actual son of Paul himself?

  15. Sara Benincasa

    It’s too bad this J-hole is also anti-death penalty and anti-war on drugs. I’d prefer to just totally despise him, like I do with Bachmann.

  16. ManchuCandidate

    [re=582476]ph7[/re]:
    It’s in the libertarian manual. Rule number ONE: It’s always accidents happen when it’s their fault.

  17. MMS

    Here’s what it boils down to.

    Because “accidents happen,” ergo the injury caused by accidents should be borne by all members of society, not those who had an opportunity to prevent or ameliorate the “accidents” through an exercise of reasonable care.

  18. JMP

    [re=582462]natoslug[/re]: Nah, Libertarians have no problem with government regulations that protect our corporate overlords from the public and their employees; look at how they want to use government power to stomp out unions, because employees cooperating to negotiate better wages and conditions is apparently against the Free Market.

  19. Prommie

    [re=582479]MMS[/re]: There you go with that blame game. Assuming someone always has to be at fault.

  20. ph7

    [re=582454]Clancy_Pants[/re]: That’s exactly the source of this. Doctors think this way – in part because their negligence costs them money, and in part as a coping mechanism to absolve guilt for maiming or killing someone – “accidents happen”.

  21. Clancy_Pants

    It’s simple common sense. If you screw up the cataract surgery and the patient loses their eye well badda boom badda bing you don’t get more patients and libertarian free marketism has taken care of the problem.

  22. weejee

    Ayn’t Rand grand, again? Maybe we should axe OSHA. All them safety rules, harnesses & such. It’s anti-evolutionary nonsense and costs bidness too much. Let Darwin Dog God thin the herd.

  23. Gregoire

    Whatever happened to personal responsibility? There suddenly is none because ‘accidents happen’? Libertarians quickly run out of oxygen in the real world, don’t they?

  24. norbizness

    He is currently in negotiations with Howard Jones to license the song “No One Ever Is To Blame” for his campaign, probably for a hot cup of soup. Elvis Costello refused to sell him “Accidents Will Happen.”

  25. BeWoot

    If BP can be held responsible for lax safety, you know one of the interesting things about that is, what if people wanted to exercise their rights under the Second Amendment and carry firearms onto a drilling rig. Not to do that would be a violation of their freedom of speech. A more local solution would be better. I do believe in private ownership.

    By the way … bet you can’t tell whether I’m slow or I just think everybody else is really, really slow.

  26. ManchuCandidate

    [re=582474]Prommie[/re]:
    Or engineers. I’m somewhat edumakated in tort law. Unlike Paul, what I get from tort law is “Don’t FUCK UP.”

    BTW, Prommie. I wouldn’t kill all lawyers (they can be useful sometimes…) Just mostly the corporate types and the skeezy ambulance chasers.

  27. V572625694

    Then Dr. Rand Paul, who is running for Senate in a state with a not-insubstantial coal mining industry, and is presumably courting many coal minersmine operators for their votes…

    //corrected

  28. gjdodger

    [re=582465]rafflesinc[/re]: Well, the folks with the picture of Rand buggering a sheep want a lot of money for it.

  29. stew

    Rand has apparently been on Truther/Certified Wacko Alex Jones’ radio show a few times. Where does he stand on the Lizard Alien problem?

  30. Franklin Pierce & Pierce

    It’s somehow fitting that the ultimate teaparty candidate has finally come around to explicitly defend giant corporations. Fitting, as the whole movement was created by giant corporations anyway. It’s like a seed has finally germinated.

  31. BlueStateLiberal

    You guys are too funny, I argue about tort reform all the time with an engineer (of course), whose basic premise is that trial lawyers make too much money, and that we need to do away with “frivolous” consumer lawsuits, because if a company’s product harms you, “accidents happen” and “no one’s perfect.” I try to explain to him that these very same companies would sue the shit out of you in a heartbeat if you infringed on one of their patents, broke a non-compete,or screwed them in some way, but his eyes go blank and dead.

  32. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Sometimes accidents happen, and if someone were to hit Rand with a car because he was busy texting, eating, and watching a movie on his iPad, well, no sense casting blame, right? Rand will just chuckle and shrug, as soon as the casts come off.

  33. JoeMac

    [re=582465]rafflesinc[/re]: Well the pictures with no pants do help explain why Rand Paul is such a numb nutz.

  34. Troubledog

    He’s not even a real doctor. He’s an ophthalmologist.

    /click click
    Better? Worse?

    /click click
    Better? Worse?

    /click click
    Better? Worse?

    Okay, go pick out some frames.

  35. OffTheRecord

    Although it wasn’t in reference to this incident I am just going to quote what Rand’s opponent said, mainly because it makes me hot.
    “Rand Paul has this tendency to get in public or get on national cable shows and feel like he wants to give me a lecture on Constitutional law. I’m the attorney general of Kentucky. He didn’t go to law school. I did. I don’t need a lecture on Constitutional law from Rand Paul or Sarah Palin.”

  36. SayItWithWookies

    Rand Paul’s aim in politics is to produce another Charles Dickens — hence his desire to return society to the longed-for era of early Industrial Revolution London.

  37. Serolf Divad

    Rand Paul’s message to injured workers: shit happens. Deal with it. Just don’t bother the noble captains of industry who built this great nation with calls for such trivial matters as “improved worker safety” or “worker’s compensation.”

  38. JMP

    [re=582495]BeWoot[/re]: Hopefully he’ll stop the government from interfering with people’s right to smoke on an oil rig. After all, what could possibly go wrong; unless there’s an accident, which just happens sometimes.

  39. JoeMac

    [re=582467]chascates[/re]: Something to be said for compulsory bisexuality when the state abbreviation is KY.

  40. BaconTime

    Why should we regulate BP? It would be STUPID for them not to assess their risks properly. If there were an oil spill it would cost them billions of dollars! It would be STUPID of them to take the risk of not properly preparing for a disaster!

    – Every Libertarian ever, one month ago

  41. anonymousryan

    Rand Paul knows that all accidents that occur in private enterprise are the result of Adam Smith’s ghostly invisible hand punishing modern businesses for their socialism.

  42. sigerson

    [re=582456]leaveskoalrebelalone[/re]: Actually, he’s named after Ayn Rand, not the Rand Corporation. Although I don’t disagree with your premise.

  43. V572625694

    [re=582506]Troubledog[/re]: Actually those guys, opthamologists, are MDs and thus “real” doctors, as well as automatic spell-checkers.

  44. JoeMac

    [re=582496]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Yeah everybody hates us lawyers until the day they are run over by postal truck or arrested for trying to blow cops in public restrooms.

  45. anonymousryan

    [re=582510]snideinplainsight[/re]: I was surprised to learn his birth name is actually Randal and it was his wife who called him “Rand.” Or he made his wife call him “Rand.” Who knows…

  46. Dashboard_Buddha

    I don’t know about the rest of you bitches…but I am truly impressed by Dr. Paul. No one since Jay Leno has demonstrated a greater ability to converse with a mouth so full of corporate cock.

  47. vkladchik

    “It was just an accident.” Isn’t that what five-year-olds whine when they break something?

  48. JoeMac

    [re=582523]anonymousryan[/re]: I would really like to hear about some of the other stuff his wife has made him do. I am sure that would be a treasure trove of republican debauchery that would make me smile.

  49. anonymousryan

    [re=582497]V572625694[/re]: Then Dr. Rand Paul, who is running for Senate in a state with a not-insubstantial coal mining industry, and is presumably courting many coal miners mine operators for their votes… campaign donations…

    //corrected

  50. V572625694

    [re=582503]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: How can you tell when an engineer’s eyes go dead?

  51. Mad Brahms

    This reminds me of the Frontline episode about Brooksley Bourne, who tried to warn the Clinton-era economists about this whole “impending financial collapse” thing. Apparently, when she met Greenspan, he instantly disliked her, saying “I bet we have some disagreements about things like fraud. You probably think we should prosecute it.”

    THE MARKET WILL PUNISH THEM ENOUGH FOR THEIR NEGLIGENCE. God Fruhlinger, why must we force corporations to suffer such indignities?

  52. ManchuCandidate

    [re=582519]JoeMac[/re]:
    A lawyer friend once told me, “I wouldn’t have a career if you engineers didn’t fuck up all the time.”

    Sadly so true.

  53. x111e7thst

    [re=582489]Clancy_Pants[/re]: If the doc screws up the cataract surgery and is subequently beaten savagely by large men with ax handles, is that also covered by accidents happen?

  54. Panquake

    Libertarians are so in love with the Constitution that they had to privatize tyranny.

  55. Prommie

    Mind you, I have been before every court in my jurisdiction, sometimes as a lawyer, and I know intimately the best and the worst of the system, and I could criticize certain specific excesses of the tort system and the class action industry, and show you specifically how they are changing our life in the US for the worse (there is a reason your schools have so many fucking administrators, and that reason is litigious parents, and hey, does anyone remember see-saws, teeter-totters? You ever notice they are gone? Litigated out of existence). But this Randtard Paultard, he is just spouting unadulterated idiocy. If I were appointed emporer, here is the key thing, first thing, I would only kill HALF the lawyers, not all of them.

  56. WadISay

    I am sure that Dr. Paul would agree that, given enough time, the free market would have auto-corrected The Final Solution.

  57. bored with gravity

    [re=582512]JMP[/re]: I was at a gas station yesterday and saw a guy actually smoking and dumping ashes while pumping gas. I’m not the type to just start cold yelling at people, but obviously someone had to tell this retard (sorry Trig) to stop or we’d all blow up. He yelled back that it was his right to smoke there or anywhere else… I have a feeling Rand would say my death by explosion was just an accident. Also. Retard.

  58. Clancy_Pants

    [re=582535]x111e7thst[/re]: No, I’m pretty sure the doctor in that situation (much like an international corporation) should expect the full force of government protection.

  59. natoslug

    [re=582531]V572625694[/re]: As a software engineer, I’d like to point out that it is my soul that is dead, not my eyes. The look in my eyes is the inability to focus on anything not 3 feet from my face and flickering.

  60. Long Form Def Certificate

    Ladies & gentlemen… The Grand Ol’ Party of Personal Responsibility.

    Of course, now that the Roberts Court has given corporations the status of persons, BP might well have to take responsibility.

    Wait for it…

    Wait for it…

    Wait for it…

    NOT!

    The GOPOPR really is in a pickle, though. But maybe they can impeach Obama, somehow, for this? That’ll learn us all.

  61. Ruhe

    [re=582473]JMP[/re]: You make an interesting connection and, assuming that Paul shares the typical physicians lust for tort reform, there is an irony in the situation. In a rare moment of actual journalism our own Kentucky Enquirer did an investigative report a few years ago that showed that actual liability payouts in settlements and after trials in malpractice cases here in Kentucky amounted to a staggeringly low percentage of all the money paid in malpractice insurance premiums by Kentucky practitioners. If I recall correctly it was in the range of 20%. So Paul is apparently defending the magic of the unfettered marketplace while it is that magic that allows insurance companies to fuck him and every other doctor in the state.

  62. MarSF

    I guess Rand missed that 60 Minutes interview with the guy who had to jump off the Deepwater Horizon Death Ship when it was exploding.

    All those stupid, profit-driven decisions BP made leading up to the explosion were just “accidents” too, I suppose?

  63. snideinplainsight

    [re=582524]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Honestly, this has been the bright spot in my week. Nothing could be finer than for Dr. Paul to win his race and enter into the World’s Greatest Deliberative Body.

    Err…I lied. Better still, once there, we could glue him to Mitch Mcconnell with about a quart of two-part epoxy. Randy’s views are going to be so toxic that noone is going to want to be even in the same building with him.

  64. GoinGreen

    [re=582540]bored with gravity[/re]: I was almost arrested once for pointing a gas nozzle at a guy doing that – and squeezing the handle. He was yelling at me back just as your fuckstick did and I just snapped – pulled the nozzle out of my truck and fired!! I was yelling, “FUCK YOU THEN, LET’S BURN, MUTHAFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” The store clerk called the police and I lied my way out of it, saying the nozzle got caught on my sleeve when I tried to point at the sign saying, “NO SMOKING”. It helped that I was a cop at the time, but is also an indictment as to how crazy cops REALLY are. Not proud, just sayin.

  65. Fnor

    [re=582531]V572625694[/re]: When they briefly pause in their vapid rant about Intellectual Property! (It’s not REAL, MAN!)

  66. Terry

    [re=582517]sigerson[/re]:

    If he had been named after the Rand Corporation, he might be able to find his arse with both hands. He’d have a map to it.

  67. GOPCrusher

    Not sure which is better. Rand Paul going full retard. Or the Tea Baggers defending him. Either way, I think America is safe from the promised Tea Bagger Takeover in November.

  68. JMP

    [re=582544]Ruhe[/re]: I’ve always wondered how the malpractice insurance companies have managed to get away without any criticism from the doctors, even as they scream and yell at lawyers who they blame for the premiums; it’s bad enough that, as a lawyer, I don’t feel comfortable telling doctors my occupation for fear of retribution. Besides going after the insurance companies, the other way they could get lower payments would be to have less malpractice, but that won’t do.

    Pennsylvania has very high malpractice insurance, which the doctors blame on us and sympathetic juries; but the local medical association almost never disciplines doctors, so of course we’ve got a lot of bad doctors committing malpractice, so of that means we’ll have a lot of lawsuits over it.

  69. lizzieborden

    [re=582481]give us a bob[/re]: Dah, someone accidentally start a brush fire, that ignited the coal vein, accidentally, like. So there’s no one to blame, nothing to see here(literally).

  70. comicbookguy

    [re=582535]x111e7thst[/re]: That’s what you call a market correction.

    Republicans have changed their slogan from “the party of responsibility” to “the party of accidents happen”

  71. snoidoid

    [re=582506]Troubledog[/re]: An ophthalmologist is an MD.

    /click click
    Better or worse?

    /click click
    Better or worse?

    /click click
    Oops, I just cut out your eye. It was an accident.

    [re=582540]bored with gravity[/re]: When I rebut strict libertarians, I usually use the gas station analogy. A strict libertarian’s viewpoint would preclude zoning, Thus someone could build a gas station next to your house, and when the tanks leak and destroy your yard, making your house unlivable, your only option would be to take the gas station owner to court. Of course, this is exactly what has happened in the Gulf. BP was essentially unregulated because of Bush era pro-business policies, which Rand Paul supports. Now that their well is destroying the Gulf, we must take them to court to get redress for the damages. Unfortunately, this world view results in “accident” after “accident”, and no amount of money will fix the destroyed environment.

  72. V572625694

    [re=582465]rafflesinc[/re]: “Does Rand Paul think that the U.S. oil and coal industries are run by kindergartners?”

    Is there any evidence to the contrary?

  73. Monsieur Grumpe

    In similar sleazebagger news, the CEO of Massey Mining has taken the more traditional approach of avoiding responsibilities by blaming the government for the mining deaths.

  74. Texan Bulldoggette

    I’ll have whatever Mrs. Paul was smoking while Rand was in utero. I’ll give Rand one thing: he’s the only dude in the US with sympathy for BP–that’s quite a feat!

    I can’t help but think, though, that the ‘grown up’ Republicans will soon introduce young Rand to a ball gag to shut him up (because I’m pretty sure most of them keep one in their glove boxes.)

  75. Terry

    [re=582525]vkladchik[/re]:

    Since Josh posted this article, perhaps the photo should have been of “Not me!” from the Family Circus.

  76. Oblios Cap

    [re=582472]Wedge[/re]:

    Ms. Paul was so tramuatized by the incident that she moved to Maine and started making fish sticks for a living.

  77. Rosie Scenario

    OK. A few years ago, I had a minor car accident. Should have used Rand Paul’s “accidents happen” when the cop gave me a ticket. Seems he thought I was at fault.

  78. The Church of Realism

    [re=582538]Prommie[/re]: “Mind you, I have been before every court in my jurisdiction, sometimes as a lawyer,”

    That was my laugh of the day, thanks for that.

  79. you didn't ask, but

    I’ve heard a few people calling into talk shows saying crap like: “I am not racist/support civil rights/know a cripple/blah blah but he has a point…” Makes me wonder if rP’s idiocy isn’t a backdoor way to dredge up racial animus and motivate the troglodytes. Between this pseudo-intellectual race-baiting (via private property) and the recent odious Arizona missives, it doesn’t help if racial polarization becomes a significant talking point as autumn comes in. We all know how these crazy people act in the summer heat!

    Paul jr.’s moment needs to be squished like a ‘skeeter post haste!

  80. Katydid

    [re=582479]MMS[/re]: I want Politician Dr. Rand Paul to be my opthamologist.

    Politician Dr. Rand Paul: Here’s your eyeball. Sometimes accidents just happen.

    Me: I can’t see.

    Politician Dr. Rand Paul: Oh, yeah, here’s your other eyeball. Sign this paper.

  81. Come here a minute

    That is a genius explanation of the concept of negligence — Josh probably even knows all about the holograms!

  82. Jim89048

    I knew a guy, an ex-cop, who became a “safety consultant” (one half step above motivational speaker) and whored himself out to insurance companies as an “expert witness”. His schtick was that accidents do NOT happen, all accidents were preventable and therefore not accidents at all, but rather incidents. Until he himself was involved in an accident, which he deemed to be unavoidable. That was his aha moment, the moment he went from personal responsibility Republican to free market Libertarian.

  83. slappypaddy

    when i was just a little boy,
    standin to my daddy’s knee,
    papa said, “boy, don’t let the man get you,
    the man who comes from BP.
    ’cause he’ll get you,
    lord, he’ll get you, now.”

    (pace J.C.F.)

  84. Katydid

    [re=582458]penalcolony[/re]: I have a friend who is a psychiatrist, and I made the mistake of saying about an acquaitance, “He must be smart, he’s a psychiatrist.” My friend laughed bitterly and said, “Wanna bet? You just have to have a good memory, which doesn’t mean you’re smart.” And I guess he would know, having gone to school and been in practice with other doctors.

  85. Prommie

    ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.

    Source: THE DEVIL’S DICTIONARY ((C)1911 Released April 15 1993)

  86. AxmxZ

    Rand Paul should requalify from an ophthalmologist into an obstetrician, because he’s going to deliver Kentucky to the Democrats this fall.

  87. Prommie

    [re=582583]The Church of Realism[/re]: Its a quote from my favorite lawyer, Lionel Hutz. BTW, where is he?

  88. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    Ok, I hate to be the asshat that points this out, but apparently it’s my nature. BP didn’t own the rig – Transocean did. BP leased it from Transocean and Haliburton did some work on it. Not that this tidbit of anal retention changes anything. Some adult at these companies (I’m assuming some exist, but that could be wildly optimistic) should step up and acknowledge responsibility. Anyway, apologies, and carry on with the funny bits.

  89. Maus

    [re=582483]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Neither Paul is anti “war on drugs” they’re anti federal intervention, and for STATES RAHGHTS to pursue drug-related crimes. An important clarification, I’d say.

  90. Doglessliberal

    [re=582456]leaveskoalrebelalone[/re]: I always thought he was named after the krugerrand, given his father’s gold lust.

  91. Cape Clod

    Josh, do not feel like you’re piling on with this chip off the old blockhead. This guy is what Wonkette was created for. It’s not your fault that he can’t open his mouth without making a complete jackass of himeslf.

  92. One Yield Regular

    An oil well blowing because of shoddy work and because a key safety check was intentionally not followed? An explosion in a mine with criminal safety violations? Those are not accidents; those are callously, cynically, calculated risks, a.k.a the human costs of profiteering.

    Ugh. Libertarians really ARE the Scientologists of politics. Rand Paul should pay penance by being a Kentucky coal miner for the rest of his life.

  93. Prommie

    [re=582606]Maus[/re]: “drugs” is dog-whistle for “coloreds,” Our pure and virtuous white girls would never be getting knocked up and miscegenating of not for the coloreds and their marijuana and their jazz and blues and rock and roll music. So even though in theory he might favor legalization, he will never say so, because he’s nowhere without the racist vote.

  94. Jerri

    [re=582529]facehead[/re]: I suppose a bumper sticker reading “Rand Paul 2010: Shit Happens.” is too much to hope for.

  95. geminisunmars

    [re=582600]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: Well, if it was BP’s responsibility then they would invoke the “accidents happen” mantra. But if they can convince us that it was Transocean’s or Haliburton’s responsibility, then it becomes a matter of blame.

  96. x111e7thst

    [re=582549]GoinGreen[/re]: Good show that. Threatening to immolate the asshole, not being a cop.

  97. MOG

    At the end of the day, the coal miners and oil well riggers “chose” their dangerous, potentially lethal jobs, so they were asking for it, right? Probably dressed provocatively, too. KY – sack up and get rid of this guy!

  98. momus

    BP’s safety program is based on the principle that “all accidents are preventable.” What part of ALL doesn’t the good doctor understand?

  99. BOOBIES!

    I applaud Ron Paul for reminding all of us who is really behind the tea party movement. The little old ladies with the tea bags on their heads and the sour old guys in the lawn chairs are being used by corporate interests. Thank you Mr. Paul for the transparency and your candor. Now go fuck yourself.

  100. bureaucrap

    I think y’all are being unfair to Paul Jr. It takes real political courage to stand up in a crowded room/tv studio/country and say, proudly and clearly, “I sincerely believe in whatever the richest person in the room (and his PR firm) says, and I have consistently and strongly believed it since he asked me to!!!”

  101. Pragmatist

    I was willing to cut him some slack on the race thing. It was a big issue at one time as to whether the government ha dthe power to regulate businesses.
    But the coal miner thing shows a thoughtless, self-absorbed, country club Republican who believes that businesses should not be responsible for the harm they knowingly or negligently cause – even when 25 of his would-be constituents die as a result.
    He is callous beyond human understanding because he rejects 500 years of law to make sure businesses are not held accountable for their conduct.
    There is a Free Lunch in rand Paul’s world – just not for ordinary citizens.

  102. Joshua Norton

    Imagine if he was around when the Titanic sank. He’d be all outraged because everyone was playing the “blame game”. Sure, accidents happen. But the fact that there weren’t enough lifeboats was a deliberate money-saving strategy. It’s not a “blame game” when it’s actually the blamed person’s fault that it happened.

  103. zhubajie

    [re=582592]Katydid[/re]: Well, repeating the right factoids and cliches will take you a long way in a PhD program. Academe is not friendly to real creativity.

  104. snideinplainsight

    I think the funny thing is, I went to bed last night thinking, wow, that guy really self-destructed yesterday – I bet we won’t be hearing from him for a while!

  105. AuntieLola

    [re=582506]Troubledog[/re]: Actually, that’s an optometrist or optician that you’re referring to.

    And this guy – just WOW.

  106. Vera Severa

    I love it when you get serious Wonkette. Like you actually care! It’s a big turn on. But could we please have more about whether Rand Paul shaves his pubes and if he and Lindsay Graham will hook up in the Senate cloakroom…..

  107. bored with gravity

    [re=582650]snideinplainsight[/re]: Nah, he’s gonna keep self-destructing for a while. Sit back with a cocktail and watch.

  108. problemwithcaring

    [re=582621]Panquake[/re]: Right? Thanks, Randy Paul, for showing all the objectivist youth all over America what happens when their stupid-ass libertarian views have do more than irritate undergraduates in public policy sections.

  109. pirate king of the Jews

    I’m surprised he can be so articulate while sucking the dick of corporate America.

  110. Tarangela

    Oh you guys are just bitter. What’s a little environmental disaster of mega proportions?
    It’s not like he’s said anything else that was completely fucked up or demented–errr . .
    wait. . . .

  111. Extemporanus

    [re=582467]chascates[/re]: I thought compulsory bisexuality was part of the Olympic ice dancing competion.

    Wait…does that mean that Johnny Weir’s a libertarian?! I fucking knew it!

    [re=582588]JMP[/re]: Accidents will happen — we only hit and run!

  112. JMP

    It was tragic that one of North Korea’s submarines accidentally fired a torpedo, which mistakenly hit and sunk South Korean ship, but we shouldn’t be playing the blame game and insisting that it’s somebody’s fault instead of accepting that sometimes accidents just happen.

  113. Prommie

    [re=582670]problemwithcaring[/re]: I fucking hear you, damn, they are irritating in a classroom.

  114. McDuff

    [re=582507]OffTheRecord[/re]: The problem with the whole “I went to law school” response of Rand’s opponent is that teabaggers and Rethugs reject experts as “elitists” and to be an elitist is to be unAmerican.

  115. Extemporanus

    [re=582681]Extemporanus[/re]: The Typostanian judge gives that comment a 6.9 due to a missed triple syllable at the end of the first sentence.

  116. LittlePig

    [re=582525]vkladchik[/re]: Sure. Libertarians ARE five-year olds when it comes to the thinking department.

  117. DustBowlBlues

    [re=582451]MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend[/re]: Wasn’t that Tommy? Now that you mention it, they do look alike. Carcetti wasn’t crazy, though and —
    I’m stopping there. Once a Wirehead gets started, it’s all over.

    As to Rand, I’m shocked–shocked, I say, that a Libertarian would be found to have crazy, out of the mainstream (a very, very wide mainstream at that) ideas. Who knew?

    And how happy are we Rachel Maddow and NPR let him beat the establishment Republic before they exposed Rand’s kookiness? Two can play at that game, Faux News!

    Go for it, Teabaggers–get more of your preferred Republics on the ballot. Because, as usual, the DemocratIC Party’s only hope is for the Republics, once again, to self-destruct. (This being the preferred site of English major losers, I went back and corrected the infinitive I originally split. You’re welcome.)

  118. McDuff

    [re=582558]snoidoid[/re]: “… your only option would be to take the gas station owner to court”

    Problem is, by the time you got to trial, the gas station owner has declared bankruptcy and you get bupkiss.

    I recently had a contractor tell me that in our area, the same set of guys keep going in and out of business to avoid paying damages. M&S Construction, sued, declares bankruptcy, is back in business the next month as XYZ Construction Services. “Apply, lather, rinse, repeat” as they say.

  119. DustBowlBlues

    [re=582471]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Speaking of Paultards, where are the ones who used to fuck around with “our” wonkette? Why aren’t they here to defend their boy? If Hillary were taking this kind of abuse, the PUMAs would be here, standing up for her.

  120. DustBowlBlues

    [re=582474]Prommie[/re]: What sort of doctor is he? I’ve never paid enough attention to figure that out. If he isn’t the kind that they make teevee series about, then he isn’t fit to be called “Doctor.”

  121. Georgia Burning

    [re=582503]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: I’m an engineer, too (whoops, OUTED!), but I’ve always understood that when you work with stuff that can seriously f**k up a person or place you (and your company) ARE responsible morally and legally so BE CAREFUL AS HELL! A good Randite has no morals or need for them, so the legal stuff is just an annoyance. The libertarian engineers I’ve met are lower level software types, whose big mistakes cost mostly time and money. They tend to be jealous of lawyers; maybe because they spent just as much time in school but trained for a job that’s easily offshored. Hey, that free market can bite!

  122. Way Cool Larry

    [re=582476]ph7[/re]: the funny thing is, they weren’t just ignoring warnings of terrorists taking over jets, the military was actually practicing hijack scenarios repeatedly, including on the day of 9/11 itself.

  123. twowheeljunkie

    [re=582590]Jim89048[/re]:
    “all accidents were preventable and therefore not accidents at all, but rather incidents.”

    I have taken a few motorcycle safety courses. I remember one where the instructor said if you get in an accident it is your fault. Regardless of the circumstance it is your fault. You put your self in the position where the incident took place.
    I know this mainly pertains to riding, but it has helped to keep me safe on the road for many years.

  124. DustBowlBlues

    [re=582518]V572625694[/re]: I repeat: If you medical specialty is so boring that neither George Clooney, that hot eastern European guy, Patrick Dempsey nor Bernie Wooster would make a teevee show about you, it doesn’t count.

    My dream teevee appearance would be Rand Paul and Spooky Doktor Tom Coburn on Faux News. Much hilarity would ensue while okies salivated over their new high-def television that cost more than their trailer house.

  125. McDuff

    “Due diligence” and “negligence” are concepts that Dr. Paul should get to know. Follow all the safety laws and regs, follow good industry practices, don’t smoke on deck and shield other ignition sources — you’ve done due diligence. Then if methane still comes up the pipe because existing technology can’t detect gas pockets at that depth, it really is an accident (or maybe we need to let technology catch up before drilling in deep water).

    Ignore safety laws and regs, hire shit-for-brains subcontractors, order the guys to cut corners and ignore warning signs, then it’s negligence and the Federal government damn well better put its boot on your throat till you pay for the cleanup.

  126. Prommie

    [re=582730]McDuff[/re]: This attitude towards diligence and due care, this ties in with the rejection of the notion of the “elite” “expert.” One would have to be “expert” in order to exercise due care, that takes education and training, which results in unamerican elitism.

    No, these things are not compatible with the leisure time activities of the men of the fucktarded pigfucker states, as well. Dick Cheney’s brand of “lawyer shooting,” how would Dick be able to shoot lawyers if he were expected to exercise due care? There are a thousand permutations of the hillbilly sport called “Hey, y’all, watch this,” what follows can involve literally anything, jumping off the roof into a kiddie pool, setting yourself on fire, waterskiing in a mud puddle, tying a thousand bottle rockets to your back so you can fly like Wiley Coyote, what would these people do if they had to excercise reasonable care and common sense, like unamerican elitists?

  127. lawrenceofthedesert

    Wonkette is an endless Internet comedy machine; Rand Paul is another lame fascist from the state that gave us Jim Bunning, as bad and crooked a Senator (look at his “foundation” farce) as he was good at pitching. No diff between Repubs and Dems? Look at Bunning vs. Bill Bradley.

  128. President Beeblebrox

    [re=582779]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: Don’t forget Mitch McConnell, who I am pretty sure is/was the pitcher to Lindsey Graham’s catcher.

  129. Jukesgrrl

    How does Rand Paul justify his love for international corporations with his fear of Ameros?

    [re=582454]Clancy_Pants[/re]: I’ve always wondered what Clancy Pants are? Is that what Randy is wearing in the photo above?

    [re=582600]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: Despite ownership, BP was calling the shots. They are the company that chose to forgo crucial testing that might have disclosed the problems in Deepwater Horizon’s well. Their project, their decisions, their failure, their responsibility.

  130. WesternCorrespondent

    [re=582454]Clancy_Pants[/re]: I’ll bet Rand Paul supports medical malpractice tort reform/limits or caps on court-ordered punitive damages…

  131. sezme

    So in your conclusion, are you saying that Rand Paul is Jesus (well he is the son of god…) and that maybe he’d look good crucified?

  132. problemwithcaring

    [re=582835]M Lite[/re]: This is the sort of crazy that makes perfect sense to Kentucky GOP primary voters.

  133. Maus

    [re=582835]M Lite[/re]: He didn’t, the media just actively downplayed the crazy and underreported on it like they do with every Teabagger. The crazy doesn’t fit in with the ongoing “outsider” narrative.

  134. One Flew Over the Wingnut

    [re=582486]JMP[/re]: yes and notice how their suggestion to bring down the costs of healthcare is to have us all group together and negotiate under a banner? MMMMMM that’s good disonance! Seriously though, Republicans and libertarians will take any rhetorical position so long as it involves corporations getting away scott free with their negligence and profiteering.

  135. One Flew Over the Wingnut

    [re=582491]weejee[/re]: Right…anything to keep the Supermen who command the industries from feeling “constrained”. I wish “Atlus Shrugged” did come true and they all went on strike. I’d volunteer to the fire department near by any “Superman” strike just so I could turn a waterhose on them and ruin their expensive attire furnished in large part by paying employees shit for wages. Also, watching a pasty, fat asshole with a smug sense of superiorty and entitlement fly on a jet of water would be good fun.

  136. bored with gravity

    [re=582728]DustBowlBlues[/re]: What is it about physicians entering public office that cause them to be so anti-humanity (see: both Pauls, Coburn, that ass in the Terry Schiavo matter)? Are they just so tired of sick people by that point that they just want to deny people even the smallest amount of individual rights or any kind of social safety net? It seems to be a trend.

  137. One Flew Over the Wingnut

    What surprises me is Rand from Paultardia didn’t blame the miners for showing up to work in one sentence and then bragging about “firing all their communist asses” if they even considered not showing up for work in the next sentence. He does however, have the Randian “poor picked on corporations” shit down pat. Anyway, I give the prince of Paultards an over/under of 20 such inflammatory “blame the victims” comments before his approval slides a point. I mean we’re talking about the state that ad nauseum re-elects Mitch the Bitch Mcconnel and in regards to corporate responsibility he’s a human horror story. We can also thank Mitchie Pooh for the Citizens United case as he’s the one who kept paying James (shit)Block Jr. to file frivolous lawsuits in hope of getting the wingnut jurors to eventually allow corporations to tag and tatoo candidates with their logos.

  138. JMP

    [re=582835]M Lite[/re]: Before he pretty much just talked to the local Kentucky media, who apparently didn’t have the forethought to read some of the shit he’d previously said and written and actually ask questions about it.

  139. problemwithcaring

    [re=582900]bored with gravity[/re]: Because physicians who take the Hippocratic Oath seriously never run for political office in the first place?

  140. FMA

    [re=582900]bored with gravity[/re]: I know people who work with doctors. Biggest dicks in the universe. They pretty much start out being anti-humanity.

  141. McDuff

    [re=582944]FMA[/re]: Roger that — my sister the nurse considers most doctors to be asshats and hates them with the passion of 10,000 burning suns.

  142. CessnaDriver

    Think about this if you ever need eye surgery: This guy could be a dumb as Rand Paul.

  143. proudgrampa

    SPEAKING AS A PERSON WHO IS ABOUT TO HAVE EYE SURGERY NEXT WEEK,

    I am so glad that Fuckhead Rand Paul is not doing this! IF he doesn’t have the competence to take responsibility for his mistakes, I’m glad he’s not fucking with my eyes.

    Fucktard.

  144. Beowoof

    [re=582686]McDuff[/re]: Which means you have to be a retard to be a real Murican. Which is why I concluded long ago that many Americans are in fact retards.

  145. Biden Time

    Can I just mention how happy I am that Josh has become a regular Wonkette editor.

  146. glamourdammerung

    [re=582467]chascates[/re]: Walter Black is the person same half wit that claimed the U.S. had no good reason to enter WWII and blames the U.S. for Pearl Harbor.

  147. glamourdammerung

    [re=583097]glamourdammerung[/re]: Uhm, person that made the same half wit claim.

    And to think, I have not even started drinking quite yet.

  148. lawrenceofthedesert

    [re=582828]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Comparing Bunning and Bradley to McConnell and Graham is like comparing American Ballet Theatre to “Dancing with the Stars.” Not very parallel, but definitely amusing!

  149. rastignac

    I think Kentucky would have a much better time with Ru Paul, as would the nation.

  150. S.Luggo

    I saw that film. “Shit Stupid on Broadcast Tee Vee.” It was a prequel to the first National movie. However, I would have preferred Francis the Talking Mule in lead role.

  151. zhubajie

    [re=583238]rastignac[/re]: True! Next time I virtually vote, I will write in Ru Paul’s name for Pres.!

  152. zhubajie

    You know, nearly all our politicians are vile cretins and asshats. But only some of them, like Rand Paul, manage to be entertaining at the same time. Somehow I’m reminded of the scene in the movie “Cabin Boy,” where everyone is throwing beer cans at the hero, as he dances on a table. The heroine joins in, shouting “Dance, idiot, dance!”

  153. MsQuasimodo

    [re=582489]Clancy_Pants[/re]: This presumes that other patients will discover the MD fucked up the eye surgery and caused the patient harm. These MDs (hospitals too) are also against the drive, in some states, to make this negative information about MDs public. What people don’t know won’t hurt them, basically. Also, it presumes a public savvy enough to check out an MD’s record before having the surgery.

  154. Starrigavan

    Ah, Libertarian Theology!

    1 No government regulation of corporations. The invisible hand of the Free Market will keep them honest.

    2 Government must severely restrict the rights of ordinary citizens to seek restitution in civil courts when the Free Market fails.

    Out of one side of their mouths they argue that the corporations’ stock prices will keep them from misbehaving and out of the other side of their mouths they argue that the one thing that would actually affect those stock prices should be strictly regulated by the government.

    Before the spill:
    Don’t regulate BP! The Free Market will keep BP honest! BP wouldn’t take any risks that might result in a massive oil spill and the horrific deaths of their employees! If BP did, the corporation would have to pay billions in damages! That would affect their stock price!

    After the spill:
    Accidents happen! The Free Market has kept BP honest! BP didn’t take any risks! They shouldn’t have to pay for damages! That would affect their stock price!

    The Paultards need to fix the name of their theology. It’s not libertarianism. It’s Corporate Libertarianism.

  155. Maus

    [re=583343]Starrigavan[/re]: “After the spill:”

    And it’s BIG GUB’s fault anyway because…

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