WONKETTE REAL ESTATE DESK  2:25 pm May 20, 2010

Hey Summer Interns, It’s Today’s Hot Rental Opportunity: Live With A Poop Monster

by Jim Newell

In today’s edition of Wonkette Real Estate Prospects For Summertime Workers, we have this room available for rent in DC’s lovely Capitol Hill neighborhood. Your roommate would tell you about all the hottest Defense Department gossip, take you to the blandest fun spots in town, and also MAINTAIN A WRITTEN RECORD OF YOUR SHIT. [Consumerist via Metroblogging DC]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

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MARCdMan May 20, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Wasn’t this on Big Bang Theory last Monday?

Darkness May 20, 2010 at 2:28 pm

Is this incase the roomie swallows one of the experimental DoD mind control chips?

I can think of zero other explanations here.

13ollocks To The Rules May 20, 2010 at 2:29 pm

David Vitter moonlights at the DoD?

JMP May 20, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Are we sure this guy works for the Defense Department, and not as, say, a Senator from Louisiana?

Rush May 20, 2010 at 2:30 pm

They had me at “kickball”.

Texan Bulldoggette May 20, 2010 at 2:31 pm

What’s the most disturbing thing about this ad is that he likes to play ‘kickball’…who the hell over the age of 10 plays kickball?

On second thought, that BM checklist is a little weird. David Vitter, is that you?

eyesfriedopen May 20, 2010 at 2:32 pm

I realize everything else the guy wrote about himself screams, “Douche!”, but not being a metrosexual myself, someone is going to have to explain to me why the hell would anyone require their roommate to “log” their shit. Carbon shitprint, maybe?

Serolf Divad May 20, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Wait… doesn’t everybody keep a clipboard with a record of their bowel movements in the bathroom next to the latest edition of Jane’s Defense Weekly?

Extemporanus May 20, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Does his research at the Department of Defense involve ICBMs?

Jim Newell May 20, 2010 at 2:33 pm

[re=581763]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: “What’s the most disturbing thing about this ad is that he likes to play ‘kickball’…who the hell over the age of 10 plays kickball?”

You would be absolutely stunned if you visited Washington DC.

FMA May 20, 2010 at 2:33 pm

What? No mention of the jars of urine?

schvitzatura May 20, 2010 at 2:34 pm

Would DoD poop-flush fetishist roomie prefer to inspect a chamberpot-worth of prodigious effluent, pre-flush, for consistency, smell, and shape, too?

Shades of George III and/or the The Last Emperor…

The Church of Realism May 20, 2010 at 2:34 pm

Maybe he just likes to talk shit.

natoslug May 20, 2010 at 2:36 pm

Can I just use the checklist to wipe after every shit? If so, I’m good.

Is This Thing On? May 20, 2010 at 2:37 pm


Texan Bulldoggette May 20, 2010 at 2:38 pm

[re=581771]Jim Newell[/re]: Our kiddos don’t even play kickball here in Austin. Are you guys mistaking kickball with soccer? Same premise: ‘use the foot to kick balls around.’

ph7 May 20, 2010 at 2:39 pm

And please don’t disturb my mother in the attic.

SayItWithWookies May 20, 2010 at 2:39 pm

Dude, whoever’s been making you keep those records does not work for the US Census, no matter what he says.

mumblyjoe May 20, 2010 at 2:39 pm

Look, you’re making way too big a deal out of this. Maybe he just moonlights for the Census Bureau?

Fox News Light May 20, 2010 at 2:40 pm

[re=581757]MARCdMan[/re]: Bazinga

whiterabid May 20, 2010 at 2:41 pm

I had a roommate once who was anal retentive. This might be the same guy.

BobTheBuilder May 20, 2010 at 2:41 pm

If it’s yellow no need to tell-o,
If it’s brown write it down.

BigDupa May 20, 2010 at 2:42 pm

Bush league. Real purveyors of the crap graph get themselves one of the Weight Watchers scales that measures in tenths of a pound, take are reading, perform the download, take another reading, record the difference. If you are going to play, play to win!

Ducksworthy May 20, 2010 at 2:42 pm

[re=581771]Jim Newell[/re]: Apparently the 20 something hipsters in Minneapolis have gotten into kickball. Also

Extemporanus May 20, 2010 at 2:43 pm

Hey you guys, he has a shitty website!

gurukalehuru May 20, 2010 at 2:44 pm

My favorite line was “It’s no big deal…” as if he’s actually managed to go through life up to this point without realizing that other people think he’s weird and gross.

Jukesgrrl May 20, 2010 at 2:45 pm

Someone’s being punk’d.

freakishlystrong May 20, 2010 at 2:45 pm

Good Lord, I’d be constipated foreva, girl. That’s just way too much pressure.

mumblyjoe May 20, 2010 at 2:47 pm

[re=581794]Ducksworthy[/re]: And everywhere else, for that matter

::writing from Hipster Central, New York::

Polisurgist May 20, 2010 at 2:47 pm

[re=581762]Rush[/re]: You should’ve kept reading.

Oldskool May 20, 2010 at 2:47 pm

So what does he do if he/she is a late on a dump, or early? Is there a penalty? Or does he scold himself for not having his shit together. And does he/she give 24hr notice before eating Mexican? This smells fishy.

ph7 May 20, 2010 at 2:47 pm

[re=581783]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Nice.

Terry May 20, 2010 at 2:50 pm


If the rent on the apartment was actually cheap, you could just plan on relieving yourself once you get to work.

Love how he says it’s no big deal.

mardam422 May 20, 2010 at 2:50 pm

What if, instead of writing down when I poop, I leave the log in the toilet. That way you can be sure I’m not cheating.

Doglessliberal May 20, 2010 at 2:51 pm

[re=581771]Jim Newell[/re]: They’ll really freak when they saw that there are Frisbee (TM) football and cricket (yes, real cricket) games going on all over public land around here, too. Rugby, as well.

Bruno May 20, 2010 at 2:52 pm

There’s gotta be an iPad app for that. If not = big $$$. And I want the patent! Call me now, but don’t waste my time

JMP May 20, 2010 at 2:52 pm

[re=581791]whiterabid[/re]: I had a roommate once (luckily for just three months) he had us (him, me and one girl) go through the phone bill, call by call, to determine who made each LOCAL call; he insisted on splitting it exactly, to the penny. The only non-fetishistic reason I can think of for this is that this is a similar anal-retentive tightwad who’s doing the same with the water bill.

Prommie May 20, 2010 at 2:53 pm

[re=581771]Jim Newell[/re]: Yup, DC is odd, alright, nothing but country-club-dandy homosexual republican boys from the south, and intellectual-PC-feminist-enviro-hipster democrats from the north, all just stone playing kickball and dodgeball and whatever other hipster lets-pretend-we’re-in-grade-school shit is going around.

Doglessliberal May 20, 2010 at 2:53 pm

[re=581780]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: [re=581763]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]:


mardam422 May 20, 2010 at 2:53 pm

[re=581807]Oldskool[/re]: Smells worse than fishy.

Escape Goat Nation May 20, 2010 at 2:53 pm

I don’t get it.
Where’s the funny?

queeraselvis v 2.0 May 20, 2010 at 2:54 pm

[re=581774]The Church of Realism[/re]: Wokka wokka.

Also, unless this is someone updating Dominique Laporte’s magesterial study of shit, I’ll pass.

Ducksworthy May 20, 2010 at 2:54 pm

[re=581798]Extemporanus[/re]: Crap, they beat me to it again, I was all set to capture the online corporphiliac market.

Tommmcatt May 20, 2010 at 2:55 pm

$850 is pretty good for DC, right? Maybe it would be worth it.

Aurelio May 20, 2010 at 2:55 pm

[re=581807]Oldskool[/re]: …he/she… Right. Why have people assumed that it’s a “he”? Cuz it likes to drink beer? Except for that, it sounds like a “she” to me.

freakishlystrong May 20, 2010 at 2:56 pm

[re=581810]Terry[/re]: Work!!?? I love how he says to “not worry about replacing the list”. That would be the least of my worries.

Prommie May 20, 2010 at 2:57 pm

At least its going to be the honor system, self-reporting. He could have been using video surveillance, for example.

Tundra Grifter May 20, 2010 at 2:57 pm

[re=581791]whiterabid[/re]: If he was anal retentive he wouldn’t have anything to keep track of, now would he?

[Stolen from Woody Allen: "Being anal retentive is certainly better than the opposite."]

Hart88 May 20, 2010 at 3:00 pm

The Family has gotten WAY out of hand. First the orgies, now the scat-tracking.

Tundra Grifter May 20, 2010 at 3:01 pm

I don’t think we have to spend a whole lotta time here wondering what happened to the previous roommate, now do we?

Many WIN posts, BTW! You betcha!

Red Zeppelin May 20, 2010 at 3:01 pm

Actually, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that a defense analyst has anal issues. Sort of like the general in Dr. Strangelove who obsessed over “precious bodily fluids.” I’ve heard that Richard Perle carefully weighs his turds and compares the weight to his diet log. (OK, I made that one up, but how do you know it’s NOT true?)

RoscoePColtraine May 20, 2010 at 3:01 pm

Why not just install one of those non-flush commodes like you see in nursing homes. Then you can smell it, weigh it, and basically just go nuts with it.

gonesurfing May 20, 2010 at 3:02 pm

I wonder if he has one of those German toilets with the poop examination platform.

coolcatdaddy May 20, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Jeezus…I’m so glad I decided long ago to not go after that job at the LOC or Smithsonian. No, I don’t want to live in DC.

Extemporanus May 20, 2010 at 3:05 pm

[re=581823]Ducksworthy[/re]: Have you considered creating a viral video dramatizing the subject of this blog post?

You could call it “Two Guys, One List”.

Capitol Hillbilly May 20, 2010 at 3:05 pm

Thank God we have people like this defending our country.

RoscoePColtraine May 20, 2010 at 3:06 pm

[re=581798]Extemporanus[/re]: I think I have you beat, for once.

RoscoePColtraine May 20, 2010 at 3:07 pm

[re=581798]Extemporanus[/re]: Sorry, link fail.


Lionel Hutz Esq. May 20, 2010 at 3:09 pm

Just to be clear, the check list only applies to bowel movements that take place in the bathroom, right?

Extemporanus May 20, 2010 at 3:09 pm

[re=581825]Aurelio[/re]: You may have a point there — most of the photos on the Colonblow® website are distinctly feminine in nature.

[re=581839]gonesurfing[/re]: You mean one of these?

KilgoreTrout_XL May 20, 2010 at 3:10 pm

HAHAHAHAHAH. hahahaha. hah.



Lionel Hutz Esq. May 20, 2010 at 3:11 pm

And I can piss when ever and where ever I want?

I’m in!

BOOBIES! May 20, 2010 at 3:15 pm

God Damn DC Bureaucrats and their frickin’ paperwork. Instead of writing down my BMs, how about I just wipe my butt on your paperwork.

dj widestance May 20, 2010 at 3:16 pm

Reminds me of Principal Blackman:


The interrogation starts at 2:52.

Wonderman May 20, 2010 at 3:17 pm

doody doody doody poopy poo poo
I write down my shits and so should you
poopy poopy poopy doody poo poo pee
write your shit down so I can see

hehehehehehehehehehehe. I said “poopy”.

One Yield Regular May 20, 2010 at 3:17 pm

That tag for the ad – “Looking for new Roommate” – is just so danged cute and wonderfully understated.

x111e7thst May 20, 2010 at 3:17 pm

[re=581850]Extemporanus[/re]: Why do you even know about this shit?

SayItWithWookies May 20, 2010 at 3:18 pm

[re=581817]Doglessliberal[/re]: DC Kickball — or Dickball for short, I assume?

Tommmcatt May 20, 2010 at 3:21 pm


You fit right in here, has anyone told you that yet?

blinky_twinkie May 20, 2010 at 3:21 pm

[re=581816]Prommie[/re]: Is it “hipster” to start selling candy bars door to door?

Prommie May 20, 2010 at 3:23 pm

[re=581869]blinky_twinkie[/re]: No, but they do play tag and hide and seek, shouting “ollie ollie oxen free” at the required times.

Come here a minute May 20, 2010 at 3:25 pm

Dear Diary,

I pooped today. See you tomorrow!


McDuff May 20, 2010 at 3:28 pm

When I entered grad school and was looking for a place to share, I talked to a guy over the phone — everything seemed cool until the end when he explained his “skin condition” required that the tub be cleaned after every shower and, OBTW, “I keep a .45 locked and loaded at all times for personal safety.”

I then decided sharing an apartment with my Limbaugh-listening sister wouldn’t be so bad after all.

bitchincamaro May 20, 2010 at 3:30 pm

If it’s kickball with turds, count me out. I’m too busy playing dodgeball with dogshit in NYC.

Limeylizzie May 20, 2010 at 3:32 pm

I am a believer in the power of prunes and all other dried fruit, so I would need more than one sheet of paper to “log” my details , unless he/she changes the piece of paper every couple of days.

Lazy Media May 20, 2010 at 3:32 pm

OK, so OCD is a mental condition that really doesn’t need to be made fun of, but dude. Seriously. Just give blow jobs to make the extra rent money, and don’t advertise your shit-counting tic.

Extemporanus May 20, 2010 at 3:32 pm

[re=581848]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Dude! Shitty argument videos fucking rock!

\m/ \m/

[re=581863]x111e7thst[/re]: I’m a professional bowel player.

Texan Bulldoggette May 20, 2010 at 3:35 pm

[re=581817]Doglessliberal[/re]: At first I thought your link said ‘dickball’, but Jesus, those people are scary looking mutant geeks. Damn, Betty White is cooler than those limp dicks (and probably more athletic).

finkystinger May 20, 2010 at 3:37 pm

My grandma keeps one of those lists, written in Grandma Script and amusingly titled “Bowel Log.”

freakishlystrong May 20, 2010 at 3:41 pm

[re=581817]Doglessliberal[/re]: Jesus Christ, you found bigger turds than LNS! Kudos.

Doggin May 20, 2010 at 3:43 pm

[re=581763]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Haven’t you heard? It’s all the rage! http://www.kickball.com/kickball
Also, if I have to flush twice, do I make two checkmarks? I’m so confused…

GoinGreen May 20, 2010 at 3:46 pm

Oh, and BTW, please use the Teen Whore Mother Stool Chart and classify your business to the right of the column.

boojiLSK May 20, 2010 at 3:55 pm

working at DoD is he? seems more like DooD

Abou Diaby May 20, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Kickball dork = Dude who hasn’t been laid since never.

Polisurgist May 20, 2010 at 4:10 pm

[re=581825]Aurelio[/re]: Because girls don’t poop. Duh.

jus_wonderin May 20, 2010 at 4:26 pm

I bet this was listed in the Freaks4MW section, right?

edgydrifter May 20, 2010 at 4:27 pm

If I get a Dora the Explorer sticker every time I make a poopie, I’m in. Otherwise, no way.

Tundra Grifter May 20, 2010 at 4:32 pm

Don’t even get him started on the bedroom door list!

PS: The whole list thing is obviously bad enough, but what really creeps me out is the “our” bathroom door. Geez – nobody’s even moved in yet…And that could take a while, even at $850 a month.

Quite a while…

DP May 20, 2010 at 4:53 pm

I’d like an explanation about how not checking off on the shit list amounts to wasting his time.

TubeCity May 20, 2010 at 4:56 pm

We may laugh now (or not), but this may be a good record to keep to show the death panels.

slappypaddy May 20, 2010 at 4:58 pm

“I like to keep a record of my bowel movements and I expect you to do the same.”

expect all you want, i’m not keeping a record of your bowel movements. the rent check will be on the kitchen counter on the first of every month.

WadISay May 20, 2010 at 4:59 pm

Shouldn’t he also have a smiley face where he’s talking about the shit log?

GOPCrusher May 20, 2010 at 5:02 pm

Who doesn’t poop every day? If you have to make a “log” log, you should probably get yourself checked out.

Jim89048 May 20, 2010 at 5:09 pm

I just spent a couple of weeks in a hospital and it shocked me just how much they want to track ALL of your bodily functions. Like the guy in the adjoining room that plugged the toilet with a 10 lb turd. I really should’ve taken a picture of that, it was a fucking masterpiece. I think the orderly did take a picture for his personal collection.

comicbookguy May 20, 2010 at 5:14 pm

Lighten up, it’s not a big deal (of course he learned early on that he has to say “it’s not a big deal” because apparently people in the past have for some reason made a big deal of it).

Anyway, it’s a simple checklist. Time of day, weight (there is a scale next to the toilet), density (next to the scale is a volumetric flask – you have to do the math, sorry), and amount of pushing effort required on a scale of 1-10.

One more thing, and this is why we must keep records: the toilet must be flushed after every 37th poo. I’ve found 37 to be the optimum number for this particular toilet. You don’t have to flush, I’ll take care of everything. EVERYTHING…

comicbookguy May 20, 2010 at 5:16 pm

[re=582012]TubeCity[/re]: Do the death panels judge you based on your contribution to society vs the amount of poo deposited?

[re=582039]Jim89048[/re]: In a hospital, that can actually be an important warning sign. In a hospital. If for example you’re in danger of bowel blockage or kidney failure.

Cicada May 20, 2010 at 5:24 pm

$850 for a place right off of Eastern Market? Tempting, poop fetish or no.

comicbookguy May 20, 2010 at 5:27 pm

I bet you could negotiate the rent down if you build a google apps poo-tracking template.

m_supercomputer May 20, 2010 at 5:29 pm

I’m calling it now: this is all part of an elaborate guerrilla marketing campaign for ’0Human Centipede,’ and this dude’s posting in character as the mad scientist.

loquaciousmusic May 20, 2010 at 5:39 pm

I take pictures of all my poops and post them on a website.

notreallyhelping May 20, 2010 at 5:46 pm

“Tom…uh. I think we need to talk. It’s NO BIG DEAL, but, uh, I’m concerned that your bowel movement logs have not been entirely…accurate. Let’s just say accurate, okay? Case in point, I have been listening…casually…for flushes, and, according to my records….”

Polisurgist May 20, 2010 at 6:11 pm

He should move in with this guy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgUYHLmvl8Y

JesusButter May 20, 2010 at 6:12 pm

What happens if you “drop the kids off at the pool” at work? Do you write it down at home?

comicbookguy May 20, 2010 at 6:39 pm

I would never shit at home. I would rather go across the street every morning to the gas station and take a dump with my ass three inches above the toilet seat my feet balanced precariously on a sleeping homeless man.

comicbookguy May 20, 2010 at 6:40 pm

Have to say it, tho. Now there’s a man who cares about his plumbing!

Dr. Spaceman May 20, 2010 at 6:41 pm

My partner went to a summer camp that did this.

Capitol Hillbilly May 20, 2010 at 7:14 pm

“Let’s not waste each other’s time here … if you are one of those weirdos who doesn’t like everybody to know when you take a dump, don’t even bother to respond to this ad!”

Capitol Hillbilly May 20, 2010 at 7:19 pm

[re=581817]Doglessliberal[/re]: Organized kickball leagues! And there are two of them, bickering at each other about who knows what. These are the kind of people who are attracted to government work – along with our friend Mister Shitlist.

Accordion-o-rama May 20, 2010 at 7:25 pm

My PooLog (TM)

Date (YYYY-MM-DD):
Time (hh:mm):
Session duration (hh:mm):
Estimated mass (lb:oz):
Estimated length (ft:in):
Buoyancy (sinker/floater):
Viscosity (1=ball bearing 10=motor oil):
Blood in stool (y/n):
Lube in stool (y/n):
Sex toy in stool (y/n):
Pain (0=none, 10=colo-rectal cancer):
Pleasure (0=none, 10=poorgasm):
Short poem about this stool (iambic hexameter):
Do you think this stool would be of interest to others? (y/n):

Country Club Jihadi May 20, 2010 at 7:41 pm

If I am expected to keep a Code Brown Commando Log, I expect to have a section for corn, lettuce shreds, green army men and a bonus section for those glorious mornings when it all comes out, unbroken, in like 18 inches.
Last roommate is in the freezer, not “another city”.

desertwind May 20, 2010 at 8:54 pm

As a septic tank owner I can kinda relate.

NYNYNY May 20, 2010 at 8:59 pm

Also no toothpaste allowed in the apartment. If interested please write to willowpalin@piespy.org.

comicbookguy May 20, 2010 at 9:00 pm

People you don’t want to follow on twitter.

PsycGirl May 20, 2010 at 9:16 pm

I’m wondering what the consequences might be for not entering data.

Justin Time May 20, 2010 at 10:06 pm

Filling out the Brown Log – It’s more than a chore, it’s a doody.Recall the 60s poster of Frank Zappa sitting on the throne. Caption: The job’s not over until the paperwork is done. The geek looking for a roommate must belong to the esoteric fraternity: Phi Crappa Zappa. As the knights of olde would put it: surely you joust! My name isn’t Shirley!

Oldskool May 20, 2010 at 10:15 pm

You gotta wonder what he thinks whenever someone tells him, “You don’t know shit!”

Surfeit O'Hubris May 20, 2010 at 10:55 pm

[re=581814]Bruno[/re]: iPoop?

Mr Blifil May 20, 2010 at 11:08 pm

I once had a roommate who preferred to urinate in plastic gallon jugs which he kept in his closet, rather than use the bathroom. When I finally found his trove one day while he was away, some of the contents splashed on my hand. He was not the best roommate I ever had.

Mr Blifil May 20, 2010 at 11:10 pm

[re=581814]Bruno[/re]: [re=582264]Surfeit O’Hubris[/re]:


What Fresh Hell is This? May 20, 2010 at 11:41 pm

DC has the highest suicide rate in the U.S., more than twice that of us fat, poor, uneducated people in Alabama. I’d rather go out in a blaze of glorious soul food than live in a place where people maintain des journaux de merde.

Hemp Dogbane May 21, 2010 at 12:02 am

Keyword: “if”

Mad Brahms May 21, 2010 at 12:02 am

[re=582287]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: “des journaux de merde” is the name of my new Quebec Separatist metal band, for sure.

Dolmance May 21, 2010 at 12:36 am

He’s organized. Very, very organized.

zhubajie May 21, 2010 at 12:42 am

Is $850/mo incredibly cheap? Is this guy David Vitter? Or a friend/relative?

J May 21, 2010 at 1:01 am

I don’t have time to look through all the comments but I’m guessing there might be some David Vitter comments, but in case not – David Vitter will pay 3x the fee. Thank you.

Smoke Filled Roommate May 21, 2010 at 2:17 am

I’ll just apply as “Shit-Filled Roommate”. Should work.

Red Zeppelin May 21, 2010 at 2:35 am

[re=582187]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: I had a reverse hiccup reading that. Having just had a colonscopy, which I encourage all Wonketteers of the appropriate age to have (it is not bad at all, and you get a day off work), I am especially sensitive to anything to do with stools and anuses. (I am totally lying–I was that way before the colonoscopy)!

Traveler May 21, 2010 at 9:21 am

[re=581813]Doglessliberal[/re]: Nothing wrong with Rugby – it is too violent for most hipsters. Why, yes back in the dark ages. Prop and second row, thank you for asking.

teddysalad May 21, 2010 at 9:33 am

This all looks pretty innocent until you look at the log which asks for weight of sample, consistency and a brief description!

AuntieLola May 21, 2010 at 9:35 am

“Oh, and don’t touch the sculpture in the study.”

Sgt. Biyatch May 21, 2010 at 11:21 am

Do you also have to record the weight in Courics? Hey wait, is Bono living in DC?

zhubajie May 22, 2010 at 10:40 am

Maybe Rand Paul could demonstrate Libertarian frugality by living with this guy!

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