wonkette real estate desk

Hey Summer Interns, It’s Today’s Hot Rental Opportunity: Live With A Poop Monster

In today’s edition of Wonkette Real Estate Prospects For Summertime Workers, we have this room available for rent in DC’s lovely Capitol Hill neighborhood. Your roommate would tell you about all the hottest Defense Department gossip, take you to the blandest fun spots in town, and also MAINTAIN A WRITTEN RECORD OF YOUR SHIT. [Consumerist via Metroblogging DC]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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132 comments

  1. Darkness

    Is this incase the roomie swallows one of the experimental DoD mind control chips?

    I can think of zero other explanations here.

  2. JMP

    Are we sure this guy works for the Defense Department, and not as, say, a Senator from Louisiana?

  3. Texan Bulldoggette

    What’s the most disturbing thing about this ad is that he likes to play ‘kickball’…who the hell over the age of 10 plays kickball?

    On second thought, that BM checklist is a little weird. David Vitter, is that you?

  4. eyesfriedopen

    I realize everything else the guy wrote about himself screams, “Douche!”, but not being a metrosexual myself, someone is going to have to explain to me why the hell would anyone require their roommate to “log” their shit. Carbon shitprint, maybe?

  5. Serolf Divad

    Wait… doesn’t everybody keep a clipboard with a record of their bowel movements in the bathroom next to the latest edition of Jane’s Defense Weekly?


  6. Post author
    Jim Newell

    [re=581763]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: “What’s the most disturbing thing about this ad is that he likes to play ‘kickball’…who the hell over the age of 10 plays kickball?”

    You would be absolutely stunned if you visited Washington DC.

  7. schvitzatura

    Would DoD poop-flush fetishist roomie prefer to inspect a chamberpot-worth of prodigious effluent, pre-flush, for consistency, smell, and shape, too?

    Shades of George III and/or the The Last Emperor…

  8. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=581771]Jim Newell[/re]: Our kiddos don’t even play kickball here in Austin. Are you guys mistaking kickball with soccer? Same premise: ‘use the foot to kick balls around.’

  9. SayItWithWookies

    Dude, whoever’s been making you keep those records does not work for the US Census, no matter what he says.

  10. mumblyjoe

    Look, you’re making way too big a deal out of this. Maybe he just moonlights for the Census Bureau?

  11. BigDupa

    Bush league. Real purveyors of the crap graph get themselves one of the Weight Watchers scales that measures in tenths of a pound, take are reading, perform the download, take another reading, record the difference. If you are going to play, play to win!

  12. Ducksworthy

    [re=581771]Jim Newell[/re]: Apparently the 20 something hipsters in Minneapolis have gotten into kickball. Also

  13. gurukalehuru

    My favorite line was “It’s no big deal…” as if he’s actually managed to go through life up to this point without realizing that other people think he’s weird and gross.

  14. freakishlystrong

    Good Lord, I’d be constipated foreva, girl. That’s just way too much pressure.

  15. mumblyjoe

    [re=581794]Ducksworthy[/re]: And everywhere else, for that matter

    ::writing from Hipster Central, New York::

  16. Oldskool

    So what does he do if he/she is a late on a dump, or early? Is there a penalty? Or does he scold himself for not having his shit together. And does he/she give 24hr notice before eating Mexican? This smells fishy.

  17. Terry

    [re=581801]freakishlystrong[/re]:

    If the rent on the apartment was actually cheap, you could just plan on relieving yourself once you get to work.

    Love how he says it’s no big deal.

  18. mardam422

    What if, instead of writing down when I poop, I leave the log in the toilet. That way you can be sure I’m not cheating.

  19. Doglessliberal

    [re=581771]Jim Newell[/re]: They’ll really freak when they saw that there are Frisbee (TM) football and cricket (yes, real cricket) games going on all over public land around here, too. Rugby, as well.

  20. Bruno

    There’s gotta be an iPad app for that. If not = big $$$. And I want the patent! Call me now, but don’t waste my time

  21. JMP

    [re=581791]whiterabid[/re]: I had a roommate once (luckily for just three months) he had us (him, me and one girl) go through the phone bill, call by call, to determine who made each LOCAL call; he insisted on splitting it exactly, to the penny. The only non-fetishistic reason I can think of for this is that this is a similar anal-retentive tightwad who’s doing the same with the water bill.

  22. Prommie

    [re=581771]Jim Newell[/re]: Yup, DC is odd, alright, nothing but country-club-dandy homosexual republican boys from the south, and intellectual-PC-feminist-enviro-hipster democrats from the north, all just stone playing kickball and dodgeball and whatever other hipster lets-pretend-we’re-in-grade-school shit is going around.

  23. Ducksworthy

    [re=581798]Extemporanus[/re]: Crap, they beat me to it again, I was all set to capture the online corporphiliac market.

  24. Aurelio

    [re=581807]Oldskool[/re]: …he/she… Right. Why have people assumed that it’s a “he”? Cuz it likes to drink beer? Except for that, it sounds like a “she” to me.

  25. freakishlystrong

    [re=581810]Terry[/re]: Work!!?? I love how he says to “not worry about replacing the list”. That would be the least of my worries.

  26. Prommie

    At least its going to be the honor system, self-reporting. He could have been using video surveillance, for example.

  27. Tundra Grifter

    [re=581791]whiterabid[/re]: If he was anal retentive he wouldn’t have anything to keep track of, now would he?

    [Stolen from Woody Allen: "Being anal retentive is certainly better than the opposite."]

  28. Tundra Grifter

    I don’t think we have to spend a whole lotta time here wondering what happened to the previous roommate, now do we?

    Many WIN posts, BTW! You betcha!

  29. Red Zeppelin

    Actually, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that a defense analyst has anal issues. Sort of like the general in Dr. Strangelove who obsessed over “precious bodily fluids.” I’ve heard that Richard Perle carefully weighs his turds and compares the weight to his diet log. (OK, I made that one up, but how do you know it’s NOT true?)

  30. RoscoePColtraine

    Why not just install one of those non-flush commodes like you see in nursing homes. Then you can smell it, weigh it, and basically just go nuts with it.

  31. gonesurfing

    I wonder if he has one of those German toilets with the poop examination platform.

  32. coolcatdaddy

    Jeezus…I’m so glad I decided long ago to not go after that job at the LOC or Smithsonian. No, I don’t want to live in DC.

  33. Extemporanus

    [re=581823]Ducksworthy[/re]: Have you considered creating a viral video dramatizing the subject of this blog post?

    You could call it “Two Guys, One List”.

  34. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Just to be clear, the check list only applies to bowel movements that take place in the bathroom, right?

  35. BOOBIES!

    God Damn DC Bureaucrats and their frickin’ paperwork. Instead of writing down my BMs, how about I just wipe my butt on your paperwork.

  36. Wonderman

    doody doody doody poopy poo poo
    I write down my shits and so should you
    poopy poopy poopy doody poo poo pee
    write your shit down so I can see

    hehehehehehehehehehehe. I said “poopy”.

  37. One Yield Regular

    That tag for the ad – “Looking for new Roommate” – is just so danged cute and wonderfully understated.

  38. SayItWithWookies

    [re=581817]Doglessliberal[/re]: DC Kickball — or Dickball for short, I assume?

  39. blinky_twinkie

    [re=581816]Prommie[/re]: Is it “hipster” to start selling candy bars door to door?

  40. Prommie

    [re=581869]blinky_twinkie[/re]: No, but they do play tag and hide and seek, shouting “ollie ollie oxen free” at the required times.

  41. McDuff

    When I entered grad school and was looking for a place to share, I talked to a guy over the phone — everything seemed cool until the end when he explained his “skin condition” required that the tub be cleaned after every shower and, OBTW, “I keep a .45 locked and loaded at all times for personal safety.”

    I then decided sharing an apartment with my Limbaugh-listening sister wouldn’t be so bad after all.

  42. bitchincamaro

    If it’s kickball with turds, count me out. I’m too busy playing dodgeball with dogshit in NYC.

  43. Limeylizzie

    I am a believer in the power of prunes and all other dried fruit, so I would need more than one sheet of paper to “log” my details , unless he/she changes the piece of paper every couple of days.

  44. Lazy Media

    OK, so OCD is a mental condition that really doesn’t need to be made fun of, but dude. Seriously. Just give blow jobs to make the extra rent money, and don’t advertise your shit-counting tic.

  45. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=581817]Doglessliberal[/re]: At first I thought your link said ‘dickball’, but Jesus, those people are scary looking mutant geeks. Damn, Betty White is cooler than those limp dicks (and probably more athletic).

  46. finkystinger

    My grandma keeps one of those lists, written in Grandma Script and amusingly titled “Bowel Log.”

  47. freakishlystrong

    [re=581817]Doglessliberal[/re]: Jesus Christ, you found bigger turds than LNS! Kudos.

  48. edgydrifter

    If I get a Dora the Explorer sticker every time I make a poopie, I’m in. Otherwise, no way.

  49. Tundra Grifter

    Don’t even get him started on the bedroom door list!

    PS: The whole list thing is obviously bad enough, but what really creeps me out is the “our” bathroom door. Geez – nobody’s even moved in yet…And that could take a while, even at $850 a month.

    Quite a while…

  50. DP

    I’d like an explanation about how not checking off on the shit list amounts to wasting his time.

  51. TubeCity

    We may laugh now (or not), but this may be a good record to keep to show the death panels.

  52. slappypaddy

    “I like to keep a record of my bowel movements and I expect you to do the same.”

    expect all you want, i’m not keeping a record of your bowel movements. the rent check will be on the kitchen counter on the first of every month.

  53. GOPCrusher

    Who doesn’t poop every day? If you have to make a “log” log, you should probably get yourself checked out.

  54. Jim89048

    I just spent a couple of weeks in a hospital and it shocked me just how much they want to track ALL of your bodily functions. Like the guy in the adjoining room that plugged the toilet with a 10 lb turd. I really should’ve taken a picture of that, it was a fucking masterpiece. I think the orderly did take a picture for his personal collection.

  55. comicbookguy

    Lighten up, it’s not a big deal (of course he learned early on that he has to say “it’s not a big deal” because apparently people in the past have for some reason made a big deal of it).

    Anyway, it’s a simple checklist. Time of day, weight (there is a scale next to the toilet), density (next to the scale is a volumetric flask – you have to do the math, sorry), and amount of pushing effort required on a scale of 1-10.

    One more thing, and this is why we must keep records: the toilet must be flushed after every 37th poo. I’ve found 37 to be the optimum number for this particular toilet. You don’t have to flush, I’ll take care of everything. EVERYTHING…

  56. comicbookguy

    [re=582012]TubeCity[/re]: Do the death panels judge you based on your contribution to society vs the amount of poo deposited?

    [re=582039]Jim89048[/re]: In a hospital, that can actually be an important warning sign. In a hospital. If for example you’re in danger of bowel blockage or kidney failure.

  57. comicbookguy

    I bet you could negotiate the rent down if you build a google apps poo-tracking template.

  58. m_supercomputer

    I’m calling it now: this is all part of an elaborate guerrilla marketing campaign for ’0Human Centipede,’ and this dude’s posting in character as the mad scientist.

  59. notreallyhelping

    “Tom…uh. I think we need to talk. It’s NO BIG DEAL, but, uh, I’m concerned that your bowel movement logs have not been entirely…accurate. Let’s just say accurate, okay? Case in point, I have been listening…casually…for flushes, and, according to my records….”

  60. JesusButter

    What happens if you “drop the kids off at the pool” at work? Do you write it down at home?

  61. comicbookguy

    I would never shit at home. I would rather go across the street every morning to the gas station and take a dump with my ass three inches above the toilet seat my feet balanced precariously on a sleeping homeless man.

  62. Capitol Hillbilly

    “Let’s not waste each other’s time here … if you are one of those weirdos who doesn’t like everybody to know when you take a dump, don’t even bother to respond to this ad!”

  63. Capitol Hillbilly

    [re=581817]Doglessliberal[/re]: Organized kickball leagues! And there are two of them, bickering at each other about who knows what. These are the kind of people who are attracted to government work – along with our friend Mister Shitlist.

  64. Accordion-o-rama

    My PooLog (TM)

    Date (YYYY-MM-DD):
    Time (hh:mm):
    Session duration (hh:mm):
    Estimated mass (lb:oz):
    Estimated length (ft:in):
    Buoyancy (sinker/floater):
    Viscosity (1=ball bearing 10=motor oil):
    Blood in stool (y/n):
    Lube in stool (y/n):
    Sex toy in stool (y/n):
    Pain (0=none, 10=colo-rectal cancer):
    Pleasure (0=none, 10=poorgasm):
    Short poem about this stool (iambic hexameter):
    Do you think this stool would be of interest to others? (y/n):

  65. Country Club Jihadi

    If I am expected to keep a Code Brown Commando Log, I expect to have a section for corn, lettuce shreds, green army men and a bonus section for those glorious mornings when it all comes out, unbroken, in like 18 inches.
    Last roommate is in the freezer, not “another city”.

  66. Justin Time

    Filling out the Brown Log – It’s more than a chore, it’s a doody.Recall the 60s poster of Frank Zappa sitting on the throne. Caption: The job’s not over until the paperwork is done. The geek looking for a roommate must belong to the esoteric fraternity: Phi Crappa Zappa. As the knights of olde would put it: surely you joust! My name isn’t Shirley!

  67. Oldskool

    You gotta wonder what he thinks whenever someone tells him, “You don’t know shit!”

  68. Mr Blifil

    I once had a roommate who preferred to urinate in plastic gallon jugs which he kept in his closet, rather than use the bathroom. When I finally found his trove one day while he was away, some of the contents splashed on my hand. He was not the best roommate I ever had.

  69. What Fresh Hell is This?

    DC has the highest suicide rate in the U.S., more than twice that of us fat, poor, uneducated people in Alabama. I’d rather go out in a blaze of glorious soul food than live in a place where people maintain des journaux de merde.

  70. Mad Brahms

    [re=582287]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: “des journaux de merde” is the name of my new Quebec Separatist metal band, for sure.

  71. J

    I don’t have time to look through all the comments but I’m guessing there might be some David Vitter comments, but in case not – David Vitter will pay 3x the fee. Thank you.

  72. Red Zeppelin

    [re=582187]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: I had a reverse hiccup reading that. Having just had a colonscopy, which I encourage all Wonketteers of the appropriate age to have (it is not bad at all, and you get a day off work), I am especially sensitive to anything to do with stools and anuses. (I am totally lying–I was that way before the colonoscopy)!

  73. Traveler

    [re=581813]Doglessliberal[/re]: Nothing wrong with Rugby – it is too violent for most hipsters. Why, yes back in the dark ages. Prop and second row, thank you for asking.

  74. teddysalad

    This all looks pretty innocent until you look at the log which asks for weight of sample, consistency and a brief description!

  75. Sgt. Biyatch

    Do you also have to record the weight in Courics? Hey wait, is Bono living in DC?

Comments are closed.