Uhh, Financial Collapse/World Recession II?

  actual global market collapse

'So give me a breath of your last cigarette, As we travel the world over goin' deeper in debt ....'We mentioned earlier this morning that there are some troubles in the world economy — and that includes us, in the America part of Earth. Well, uhh, it’s really awful. Remember that 1,000-point drop in the Dow blamed on robots or astrology or whatever? Ha ha well now there’s a 1,000-point drop for real, it just took a few weeks. On April 26, the DJIA was at 11,239. Today, right now, were at 10,212. The S&P and NASDAQ and Nikkei and Oil and the U.S. Dollar and Platinum and even Ron/Rand Paul’s GOLD is down (but just a quarter-percent, compared to nearly 2% this morning on the major U.S. markets). How does this affect “Main Street,” you ask? Main Street is boarded up and closed down. Unemployment is, somehow, even higher now than it was three months ago.

AP reports:

The number of people filing new claims for unemployment benefits unexpectedly rose last week by the largest amount in three months. The surge is evidence of how volatile the job market remains, even as the economy grows.

Applications for unemployment benefits rose to 471,000 last week, up by 25,000 from the previous week, the Labor Department said Thursday. It was the first increase in five weeks and the biggest jump since a gain of 40,000 in February.

Meanwhile, the Democrats just announced they’ve got the 60 Senate votes for financial reform. Is this good? Is this bad? (For the economy.) Eventually, it’s good, right? If there’s still an “eventually.” (What we mean is, how much can you financially reform the exchange of handjobs for hobo beans?)

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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65 comments

  1. MysteriousHoatzin

    All this country needs is a healthy government subsidy to build much-needed moats around its gated communities. All other suggestions are liberal histrionics.

  2. charlesdegoal

    Try betting on horses instead of stocks. They’re more fun, except for naked short sellers, who are a laugh a minute.

  3. Words

    Gee, Ken, aren’t you Susie Sunshine today?!

    Where’s Little Orphan Annie singing “Tomorrow” when you need that brat?

  4. weejee

    Ken, has Tommy the Train been hanging out with Lancy Pants Armstrong. Yer photo looks like Tommy is showin’ a little ‘roid rage. Has his unemployment run out?

  5. proudgrampa

    LOOK OUT BELOW!!!

    “…another day older and deeper in debt.
    Saint Peter don’tcha call me ‘cuz I can’t go,
    I owe my soul to the company store.”

    SELL SELL SELL! BUY GOLD SILVER AND OIL!

    Make sure you stock up on olives for the Sapphire martinis.

    We are freakin’ doomed.

  6. JMP

    Well of course the oil is down, now that BP is just giving it away for free.

    Some days, it seems like we’re heading for a Road Warrior or Fallout-esqe post-apocalyptic scenario without the actual apocalypse. Ah well, humanity’s had a good run.

  7. Buzz Feedback

    Good thing I got that boxcar buried in the backyard and all stocked up before summer.

  8. El Pinche

    [re=581496]weejee[/re]: Thomas the train has joined a militia. He’s sick of the jew runned railway industry. Sodor is the new Flint, Michigan.

  9. Toonces

    [re=581495]Words[/re]: Funny, I had that song in my head this morning, when I saw the sun for the first time in about five days. Driving in, that changed to “Smack My Bitch Up”.

  10. Ruhe

    Well, there are handjobs and there are handjobs and a whole bunch of sub-prime handjobs bundled into some sort of handjob tranche doesn’t amount to a hill of beans compared to one really loving, skilled handjob.

  11. Red Zeppelin

    And Tim Geithner is contemplating bailing on it all to start his own line of bi-curious porn.

  12. JMP

    [re=581510]El Pinche[/re]: I’ve never trusted that Thomas; he’s still never accounted for what he was up to at the time of George Carlin’s death.

  13. freakishlystrong

    I hate the fact that these pant-less nellies on Wall Street are in charge of my 401K. Someone could yell “SQUIRREL!” and the stoopid market tanks. Let’s put ‘em in charge of Social Security too!

  14. Way Cool Larry

    who cares– with Aika (that’s the hot chick in the bikini armor, right?), I can lead my nation to glory!!!!

  15. One Yield Regular

    [re=581495]Words[/re]: “Where’s Little Orphan Annie singing “Tomorrow” when you need that brat?”

    Probably in Arizona, singing “Tomorrow Belongs to Me.”

  16. SayItWithWookies

    Ha — effective financial reform is bad for the stock market in much the same way that government transparency is bad for the torture business.

  17. geminisunmars

    [re=581532]One Yield Regular[/re]: I think that’s “pertenece mañana a mí”.

  18. crapshooter102

    Thanks for the choices, I’ll take the Hand Job, but not on the Railroad Tracks because Tommy looks Pissed.

  19. lawrenceofthedesert

    Organic hobo beans at Whole Foods are $19 a can. I’d grow my own — just as I’m servicing myself regarding the other half of your equation — but I can’t find any plants at Kmart, even though California has legalized medical hobo beans.

  20. Hooray For Anything

    As one of those people recently (re)filing for unemployment claims, you can go ahead and blame for the economic meltdown

  21. Tim

    I don’t believe any of the governments economic statistics. Who knows what the real inflation rate is, or the real unemployment rate is, or just how much we spend on bombs and jets?

  22. Cape Clod

    Could someone from the Chicago School of Economics please explain to me the theory again about how the market is rational?

  23. snideinplainsight

    Let me just say, Thomas the Train (and all the supporting engines) way sets off my gaydar.

  24. schvitzatura

    Strelnikov is the newly installed HopeyChangeyKenyanite commissar of the Island of Sodor branch line. Sir Topham Hatt, the running-dog capitalist has been sent east for “reeducation”.

    Стрельников!

  25. dr.giraud

    OH NOES, Thomas the Tank Engine is coming to upstate New York this weekend. (No, really.) Is this what he’s bringing us???

  26. Hooray For Anything

    [re=581496]weejee[/re]: Tommy’s pissed because all of the public transit system’s stimulus funding was cut as a way of giving the oil companies a bigger tax break. Also only unAmerican commies ride trains– real Americans drive SUVs

  27. slappypaddy

    WOW! the dow looks like it’s set to break 10,000!

    ‘course, it’s headin the wrong way.

  28. lizzieborden

    You horrid people!! Have you no concern over the fact Lindsey Lohan now has a warrant for her arrest and $100,000 bail. That’s why the stock market is crashing!

  29. kewlguy42069

    I’m probably an ignorant Millenial but what the fuck does the stock market have to do with regular working people and their jobs

  30. proudgrampa

    [re=581555]Hooray For Anything[/re]: As one of your unemployed colleagues, I say: If they wanna blame us, fuck ‘em!

    Message to Congress and Obama: It’s about JOBS, stupid!!!

  31. Johnny Zhivago

    [re=581496]weejee[/re]: Sir Topem Hat caught Thomas and Gordon behind the roundhouse again.

  32. slappypaddy

    [re=581586]kewlguy42069[/re]: i think it works something like this (but i may not be stoned enough to get this right, i’ve run out of catnip): the value of a stock falls, so the shareholders don’t have as much money on their books from the stock; they want more money, cuz they can do so much with it, like make even more of it and buy governments and armies and all that stuff, so they pressure the directors and the management of the company to cut costs so the stock will look like a better value and people will buy it again, which will drive up the price due to the invisible hand’s awesome magical powers of supply and demand; the directors and management cut costs by laying people off, which is the quickest way to cut costs and raise the short-term apparent profitability of the company; when they lay those people off, you are one of the ones who is going to be laid off (didn’t you get the memo?); and that is what the fuck the stock market has to do with working people and their jobs, in an over-simplified way of putting it.

  33. Johnny Zhivago

    [re=581577]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Actually socialist Obama gave a HUGE stimulus grant to the Sodor Island Railway and they’re immediately scrapping all the old steam engines and buying new hybrid locomotives from GE.

  34. Lazy Media

    Fuck it, I’m gonna volunteer to go back on active duty for a year in Afghanistan. This place is getting too depressing; need to recalibrate my expectations.

  35. thus_spoke_zarathustra

    If the market drops another 10,000 points, I can finally afford to buy in!

  36. Citizen Kang

    Sigh…well, I guess I should break out the hand moisturizer. You know…for that competitive edge in the new handjob economy.

  37. natoslug

    Are the damned welfare queens ruining us again? The only solution is More Cabaret.

  38. ph7

    You know, with some seriousness, the teabaggers/foxnews echo chamber is actually very bad for the economy. If you tell people 24/7 that America’s going to hell in a handbasket, and Glenn Back is telling you to buy a years supply of food and hunker down in your basement, people aren’t tempted to buy cars, houses, clothes or much else except buy guns, ammo, and Glen Beck’s gold coins.

  39. Aunt Fancy

    Is there a correlation between the market drop and an increase in Goldline profits? Serves the Weiner right!

  40. dr.giraud

    [re=581635]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: 1930s: Life Is Just a Bowl of Cherries. 2010s: Life Is Just a Bag of Dicks.

  41. Darkness

    [re=581600]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: You people with children are giving yourselves away here.

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    On topic, tho. I’ve been in cash and shorted for so long waiting for this, I was getting depressed. Now I’m having a great day.

  42. whiterabid

    With the election of Rand Paul it isn’t about jobs anymore. It is about a free market and no government involvement. Not having a job is the price of freedom. Who said freedom ain’t worth nothing?

  43. Heq

    Well, the usualy suspect here is that (as is actually pretty common) folks’ve been juking the job numbers and screwing around with definitions so you create volatility.

    Nobody makes sketchy data like the American government, I guess. Don’t worry, I’m sure the terminology can be redefined so everyone is employed again, because that always works.

    Ph7, yeah, ummmmm, I don’t like Fox but they’re not the source of this cock-up. There be troubled waters there, and consumer optimism only works when all other things equal investing is stable (as it increases people’s willingness to spend and invest). These problems aren’t caused by fancy wall-street investments or consumer confidence like many downturns (okay, it was originally caused by some wall street assholes and political flacks), the issue is that when America decided to become a service economy it didn’t put anything in place to backstop downturns.

    See, if you make stuff there’s a natural sort of backstop, as you still have stuff (which someone might even buy), but if you don’t make stuff and it’s all cogs and wheels then you’ve got a much bigger problem on hand.

    Mysterious- Feh, building moats would at least employ people. I’m still baffled that you can have massive transportation problems, massive unemployment problems, and no-one outside of a couple of so-called noble-prize winning economists see that this is a natural match (so-called because let’s face it, economics isn’t a science, if economists were physicists we’d all be dead by now).

  44. populucious

    If you define good as finally getting around to hiring a decorator after the house has burned down then yes, it is so very good.

  45. Hooray For Anything

    [re=581751]whiterabid[/re]: Well, then, I welcome my new Liberterian overlords and feel even more patriotic before now that I can be considered something that makes this country even freer than before. That’ll make the cat food I might be eating in a few months go down easier

    [re=581588]proudgrampa[/re]:The House is actually trying to pass another jobs bill but SPOILER ALERT: the Republicans keep on throwing in some random and ridiculous anti-porn measure to scare off the usual suspects and between that and a parliamentary maneuver have put the kiabosh on the bill for now. That sound you hear is that of an unemployed steel worker in Ohio screaming for more jobs while also screaming for no more government spending and threatening to vote for Republicans because Democrats don’t care about him.

  46. dogscantlookup

    [re=581500]JMP[/re]: Time to break out the feathers and leather “JUST WALK AWAY” Lord Humungus

  47. GOPCrusher

    Once I built a railroad, I made it run, made it race against time.

    Brother, can you spare a dime?

  48. ZombieRichardFeynman

    [re=581586]kewlguy42069[/re]: Well, some of us idjuts took the ant and grasshopper fable to heart and spent the last 40 years living on less than we make and investing the difference. Joke’s on us; shoulda done the grasshopper thing instead.

Comments are closed.