Hello again, boys and girls! Hope you had a fun afternoon trying to match up the sad displays of census psychopathy to the wholesome American communities they have destroyed. It’s time to learn the answers and see how well you did. To streamline your learning experience, here’s a reprint of all 12 items, but this time with the locations noted …. and bonus hot links to articles, hooray!
1. A man allegedly threatened a U.S. Census worker with a BB gun; his lawyer said he “didn’t want to be bothered.” The suspect is a “disabled Vietnam veteran.”
ANSWER: Cincinnati, OH
2. A police sergeant allegedly showed off his gun while a female census worker tried to give him a questionnaire. The census worker was not 50-foot Pelosi, but a normal-sized woman who was nevertheless very frightening, apparently.
ANSWER: Barstow, CA
3. A guy named Dick supposedly told his census worker to call him “if she ever wanted a date or a good time,” and when she said no, he grabbed her arm and tried to pull her into his predator lair.
ANSWER: Wisconsin Rapids, WI
4. A census worker allegedly raped a 21-year-old handicapped woman. He made a special follow-up trip to do this.
ANSWER: Pekin, IN
5. Some fake census workers asked people for their bank account information, and also if they knew where to buy Faberge eggs to make “Faberge omelets.”
ANSWER: Bee County, TX
6. A sex offender posed as a census worker, but a woman recognized him from her state’s online offender registry and turned him in to authorities.
ANSWER: Pennsauken, NJ
7. Someone didn’t want to answer their census worker’s questions, so they grabbed the worker’s cell phone and smashed it to pieces.
ANSWER: Mt. Laurel, NJ
8. Hoping to win the local award for “Best Neighbor of 2010,” someone threatened to shoot a census worker who was questioning their neighbor.
ANSWER: Abilene, TX
9. While taking down a woman’s answers, a census worker allegedly saw that her “twenty-7-year-old” son was “holding a knife blade down against his arm, shouting profanities and telling him to get off the property.” The would-be stabber went to the police station to complain about the census worker’s lack of sexxxy, and was arrested.
ANSWER: Richmond, R.I.
10. A census worker allegedly stopped a front door with their foot, barged inside, and began to “vigorously question” a teenager about his ethnicity until the youth turned into an illegal immigrant. Now a patriot lawyer wants a federal investigation.
ANSWER: Charlottesville, Va.
11. In one town, a census worker reports that her “crotch is getting inspected by a lot of residents these days,” which is so humiliating.
ANSWER: Denver, Colo.
12. Her friend, a fellow census worker, had a woman shout at him and threaten to “sew his ass to his face.”
ANSWER: Denver, Colo.
How did you do? If you achieved a perfect score, post a comment about it so that others may learn of your achievements and simmer with envy! It’s the right thing to do, for America.
{ 39 comments }
WAIT I DIDN’T FINISH MY TEST
We are certainly nothing if not a country filled with assholes.
USA! USA!
I guessed “The South” for everything, got almost all of them wrong, and then learned a valuable lesson about hurtful stereotypes and assumptions.
Just kidding, I still hate the South.
Today, we are all crotch sniffing dogs.
I was too busy shooting @ census workers
Okay, mandatory K-12 education for everybody. Wait, that’s already a rule? We’re f*cked.
I got them all wrong, actually didn’t try too hard. I’ve been busy trying to figure out a way to work, “I’ll sew your ass to your face” in conversation today.
Overall, pretty mild. Census conducted, civilization continues. Teabagger fail.
the dirty dozen.
i see stuff all the time in the librul socialist kenya commie nazi media about “disabled vietnam vets.” i ain’t never seen nothin about “enabled vietnam vets.” why the bias?
I knew that Denver had to be the place with two. Just the right combination of wingnuttery and perviness.
TEABAG LIBRUL DEM CENSUZ WORKERS BEFORE THEY TEABAG YOU!!1
See, the census does tell us a lot about America.
And I know this has been said before in a bazillion different ways, but the (violent) wingnut opposition to the census is sooooo emblematic of their dippity-doo movement.
In the census, we have one unambiguous responsibility that citizens have to the Fed. Gov’t – tell a federal employee their name and the answers to some other innocuous questions – and the wingnuts somehow can’t wrap their supposedly contitution-lovin’ brains around it without going stone cold crazy.
Saddens me ;_;
“Disabled Vietnam veteran”
Yeah, but is he one of the real “in the shit” VV’s or just one of those wishy-washy “-era” types.
The stupid thing is that the census is mandated by the Constitution, that document that probably all of these folks swear on someone elses blood to protect and defend. Of course, maybe they’re just pissed that the census is counting all those three-fifths folks as though they were, like real people. So it’s not like it’s a REAL census or anything.
I was actually using my pencil to threaten a census worker.
Which pencil I’m talking about, is an exercise left for the reader.
I automatically passed the test since I live in Denver.
[re=581592]SmutBoffin[/re]: If you ask a wingnut about this (and believe me, I have…), it’s those “innocuous questions” that they say are unconstitutional. Since it does not explicitly state that the Government can ask what color their skin is, they are not allowed to do so.
Of course, if Obama doesn’t know what color you are, how will he know whether to count you as “1″ or “3/5?”
I guessed Boise, Idaho for all of them.
So now I know to avoid Denver unless I fancy being made part of a Human Centipede.
Wonkett is the wrong place to look for perfect scores. May I suggest craigslist?
forgive me for i am old and undersexed but how, exactly, does one inspect a woman’s crotch? when i am doing my inspecting i tend to focus on the headlights and caboose. surreptitiously, of course.
Jesus Christ, Denver. Here I am in Colorado Springs, thinking Focus on the Family and Ted “Meth and Gay Hookers” Haggard are black eyes for the state, and you’re harassing CENSUS WORKERS?? Jared Polis is not going to be pleased.
As for the first one: In my day, women knew how to take a compliment.
[re=581630]iantenna[/re]: Maybe it was a neighborhood with a lot of OB/GYNs?
[re=581614]WadISay[/re]: If you’d have guessed Athol, Idaho for all, you would’ve been right no matter what Lauri said. A town named by lisping teabaggers always wins these things.
If we don’t count all them brown people how we gonna figure out much space to spare for them in our restaurants and other private establishments, once Rand is king?
[re=581576]slappypaddy[/re]: Being a disabled Vietnam vet is still better than being a suicidal Vietnam vet, underneath a busted old neon sigh that used to say that Jesus saves.
[re=581657]JMP[/re]: I often give a old neon sigh when reading wonkette as well.
The crotch-sniffing dog ate my test.
You know, that 50-Foot Pelosi animation would have been so fucking cool and cutting-edge in, like, 1993.
CGI FAIL.
[re=581568]Aerox[/re]: Well, South Jersey is full of cretins and wingnuts. A good portion of it lies south of the Mason-Dixon Line, if said Line theoretically extended east across the Delaware River instead of heading south. Pennsauken is pretty much a concrete suburb of Camden, which explains #6 quite easily.
Mount Laurel is full of white-flight Christopher “Chris” Christie voters whose aversion to living near Niggers and Spics resulted in a New Jersey Supreme Court decision resulting in, wow, the “Mount Laurel Doctrine” which requires municipalities to zone low- and moderate-income neighborhoods near Whites Only Plantations. (j/k, sort of.) That pretty much explains #7.
[re=581657]JMP[/re]: I’m laughing so hard I just hemorrhaged…too soon?
Denver wins the coveted ass-crotch-face trifecta. Go Denver!
My mom was working on some geneology stuff the other day and she showed me copies of census info recorded about my grandfather and his sister circa 1920. Did they have to answer 10 questions? No! Among the 29 questions they had to address:
Where do you work?
What is your income?
What percentage of your work is farm work?
Where were you born?
Are you a naturalized citizen? Where and when?
What is your mother tongue? (My personal favorite. Try asking some “moran” that.)
I’m proud to report that on a lot of his answers, my grandfather lied.
Jersey Pride! (And I can’t even blame it on North Jersey this time. *sigh*)
Can I borrow a # 2 pencil?
I was much happier when Pennsauken was in the news because those twin gay cocoa porno brothers broke into a salon or something and got arrested.
The South has no monopoly on wingnuts, just come to Northern Michigan. Fox News is#1.
No gun attacks; no red-faced teabagging insults; little to no interest in my crotch, unfortunately.
Jeez, the most exciting thing that happened to me today was visiting the anarchist flophouse with 7 dreadlocked bikepunks living together. They were superfriendly, even offered me a beer. Made my day. Guess MN just doesn’t bring the batshit-crazy unless one is in Bachmann Country. Ya gotta be careful with those Faberge omelets–it’s what killed Bleeding Gums Murphy. Kurt Cobain too. The More You Know…
when I sent this to my mom in NC, this is what she wrote back with – “I think people in general are sick and tired of the government being in their business..you should see them (census takers) riding around town with their Burger King bags on the dash, along with signs all in the car saying “Official US Census Taker” drinking a cup of joe from Dunkin’ Donuts…they disgust me too”
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