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A Children’s Treasury — and Matching Game! — of Census Violence

Sarah Palin is Angry.Last week your Wonkette explained that being a census taker has become the most dangerous job in America. People across the land are grabbing whatever weapon they can find, be it a gun or hatchet, and going psycho-nuts on the poor government workers who are just trying to count the population. Well, it’s another week, and the violence has continued. And some of the census workers are turning out to be kinda crime-y and crazy, too! Oh clouds of hopelessness, you darken our days.

But before we all drink ourselves silly on Zoloftinis and Prozaquiris, let’s play a fun game! Below is a list of 12 incidents of census terror (one for each apostle) that happened in the past week, along with a list of place names.

See if you can match each incident to the place where it occurred. (Note: #11 and #12 share the same place name.) Try to do it without Google’s help. Try to do something by yourself, for once.

Answers will be provided at the end of the day. Whosoever gets every item correct receives a free house call from Mark Souder, who will perform a sacred CSPAN-webcam abstinence lap dance to “Erotic City” by Prince featuring Sheila E. Good luck!

HORROR-VIOLENCE

1. A man allegedly threatened a U.S. Census worker with a BB gun; his lawyer said he “didn’t want to be bothered.” The suspect is a “disabled Vietnam veteran.”

2. A police sergeant allegedly presented a gun when a female census worker tried to give him a questionnaire. The census worker was not 50-foot Pelosi, but rather a normal-sized woman who was nevertheless very frightening, apparently.

3. A guy named Dick supposedly told his census worker to call him “if she ever wanted a date or a good time,” and when she said no, he grabbed her arm and tried to pull her into his predator lair.

4. A census worker allegedly raped a 21-year-old handicapped woman. He made a special follow-up trip to do this.

5. Some fake census workers asked people for their bank account information, and also if they knew where to buy Faberge eggs to make “Faberge omelets.”

6. A sex offender posed as a census worker, but a woman recognized him from her state’s online offender registry and turned him in to authorities.

7. Someone didn’t want to answer their census worker’s questions, so they grabbed the worker’s cell phone and smashed it to pieces.

8. Hoping to win the local award for “Best Neighbor of 2010,” someone threatened to shoot a census worker who was questioning their neighbor.

9. While taking down a woman’s answers, a census worker allegedly saw that her “twenty-7-year-old” son was “holding a knife blade down against his arm, shouting profanities and telling him to get off the property.” The would-be stabber went to the police station to complain about the census worker’s lack of sexxxy, and was arrested.

10. A census worker allegedly stopped a front door with his or her foot, barged inside, and began to “vigorously question” a teenager about his ethnicity until the youth turned into an illegal immigrant. Now a patriot lawyer wants a federal investigation.

11. In one town, a census worker reports that her “crotch is getting inspected by a lot of residents these days,” which is so humiliating.

12. Her friend, a fellow census worker, had a woman shout at him and threaten to “sew his ass to his face.”

PLACES OF DEATH

a. Charlottesville, Va.
b. Richmond, R.I.
c. Bee County, the sovereign nation of Texas
d. Denver, Colo.
e. Mt. Laurel, N.J.
f. Pennsauken, N.J. (what is up with you, New Jersey?)
g. Abilene, Texas (you too, Texas)
h. Wisconsin Rapids, Wisc.
i. Cincinnati, Oh.
j. Barstow, Cal.
k. Repeat one of the above

ANSWERS POSTED SOON, CALM DOWN.

About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple
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37 comments

  1. widget09

    3. A guy named Dick supposedly told his census worker to call him “if she ever wanted a date or a good time,” and when she said no, he grabbed her arm and tried to pull her into his predator lair.

    Last name Cheney, I presume?

  2. ph7

    I think the Framers real purpose for mandating the counting of crazies every 10 years was to give themselves eternal props for actually succeeding in pulling together a union of mongrels. As in: folks, if we can’t keep it together, these assholes are going to be roaming free – and they’ll be armed with all the second amendment guns we gave ‘em!

  3. PeteJayhawk v2.0

    Hey, Richmond, RI! I’ve been there. Had a lovely time, but then again I was not in the employ of the gubmint when I was there.

  4. mumblyjoe

    [re=581365]ph7[/re]: So what you’re saying, is, the founders were all colossal dicks. No wonder George Washington (also a dick) kicked them out of his house, and off of his lawn, that one time he invited them over.

    And thus was the State of the Union Address born.

  5. Long Form Def Certificate

    Steve Forbes is interested in these Faberge omelets & would like to get the recipe.

  6. Terry

    “6. A sex offender posed as a census worker, but a woman recognized him from her state’s online offender registry and turned him in to authorities.”

    I’m very glad that this woman didn’t become the sex offender’s next victim, but I’m curious about how someone could recognize a person from the state’s online registry. People actually memorize the registry?

  7. freakishlystrong

    Hopefully, this will lead to a new category in 2020 to avoid all this nonsense..ignorant, fucktarded teabagger; you can just check that and go straight to jail.

  8. facehead

    1, c — must be Bee county, BeeBee capital of the universe.

    2 must be f; all women from Jersey are threatening.

    3, probably d; I have a very close friend there who is a total dick.

    4 is obviously k.

    The other cases are left as exercises for the reader.

    Q.E.D.

  9. JMP

    Multiple incidents in Texas and New Jersey, America’s asshole and armpit respectively, shouldn’t be surprising; one’s filled with a bunch of paranoid gun-crazy rednecks, the other with plain old douchebags who think starting a fight is a just good old fun time.

    (You know the stereotype of the violent, angry Philly sports fans? Well the truth is those assholes are actually all from Jersey)

  10. The Church of Realism

    Yes, but would it be better than Farley dancing to “Working for the Weekend”? I have my doubts…

  11. Gun-toting Progressive

    Wow, no AZ-related violence on the list. We all must be out enforcing the “No Brown People” law.

  12. Nappied Hypotenuse

    [re=581375]Terry[/re]: This is a clew! There must not be many folks on said registry, so I’m gonna say #6 = Rhode Island. (Also, has to be a place where people can read; that narrows it.)

  13. ElRaton

    [re=581385]JMP[/re]: … more like America’s kidney stone and urinary track infection ….

    ======

  14. Katydid

    Just wondering, what fraction are we using this year for African-American representation?

    Too soon?

  15. Mr Blifil

    It is a trick question, wake up. The municipalities listed are sovereign entities, and are not subject to the dictates of federal employees empowered to jail you if you fail to comply with requests for your rate of condom usage.

  16. JMP

    [re=581375]Terry[/re]: Someone’s got to be an extreme paranoid to do that, and they’ve got to be in a place with almost nobody to be able to do so, so I’m guessing that must be the place in Texas that’s only given by county, not city/town.

  17. AnnieGetYourFun

    A census worker came into the cafe that I was having lunch at over the weekend. It’s a testament to the socializms of Seattle that everyone nearly broke their faces trying to smile at her.

    Mind you, she was kind of cute, in that REI kind of way.

  18. mumblyjoe

    [re=581385]JMP[/re]: (You know the stereotype of the violent, angry Philly sports fans? Well the truth is those assholes are actually all from Jersey)

    I’m dubious. The truth is, New York and Philadelphia blame all of their assholes on North and South Jersey, respectively, who in turn blame their assholes on Staten Island, and, oh, let’s just say Bucks/Delaware Counties, respectively. And sometimes Delaware, for good measure.

    Let’s just say that we’re/they’re basically all complete assholes? Though, apparently Michelle Malkin is from South Jersey, so the South Jerz gets -1,000 points for that, alone.

  19. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=581420]mumblyjoe[/re]: Assholes? Delaware? On Wonkette?

    Reminds me: it’s been awhile since a good Joe Biden story.

  20. AKAM80TheWolf

    Holy Shit. I live in Pennsauken, NJ–I swear on my trucknutz. I’m right next to Mt. Laurel, NJ too. I’d guess that Pennsauken was one of the crimey, sex offender, rape entries (we’re right next to Camden, ranked top 10 in worst cities in the country)– We’re heavily Democratic, because of the coloreds and Catholic Latinas that hate Evolution and abortion, but are prone to violence.

    Now Mt. Laurel is pretty Republican so they are probably the locale of a teabagger style hate entry.

  21. Lascauxcaveman

    I’m lazy:

    1) Texas
    2) Texas
    3) Texas
    4) Texas
    5) Texas
    6) Texas
    7) Texas
    8) Texas
    9) Texas
    10) Texas
    11) Texas
    12) Oh… lets say Alabama?

  22. SayItWithWookies

    I don’t know any of those people, and whatever happened I wasn’t there stop asking me these questions (slam).

  23. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=581375]Terry[/re]: The sex offender registry in my state has the perps searchable by town/neighborhood, so it’s really quite easy to get to know more than you really want to about your friendly neighborhood sex offenders.

    Like the fact that a lot of them live close the school your kids go to.

  24. Lascauxcaveman

    11. In one town, a census worker reports that her “crotch is getting inspected by a lot of residents these days,” which is so humiliating.

    I wonder if she knows she’s supposed to be counting humans, not large, friendly dogs.

  25. thefrontpage

    You know, this is what the Census Bureau and the Commerce Department spent millions of dollars promoting with terrible, stupid radio, television and print ads. Sorry, Christopher Guest, but your ads sucked. What the hell were you thinking? All of the Census ads sucked, actually. And the questions? Ridiculous. The whole thing is a failure, on several levels.

  26. mumblyjoe

    Re: 11) Look, I said I’m sorry already. Why can’t you just let it go?

    (P.S: Call me!)

  27. Crazybroad

    I’m just happy as hell that Detroit isn’t on this list. We may have a lot of problems, but we’re not fucktards.

  28. TicChiracTac

    I lived in Richmond, Rhode Island. It’s like the Appalachia of New England.

    Well, I know it has nothing to do with being neighborly (its still NE afterall). NO ONE in Richmond knows what a Faberge egg is, or what to do with someone’s bank account if they were to get a hold of one’s numbers (I can’t even remember seeing a bank in Richmond). I can definitely see some crazy smashing a cellphone, but I’m going to go with the nutzo 27 yr old brandishing the knife. We gotta lotta those in Richmond to dig out the ticks!

  29. Roll Fish

    Erotic City by Prince? Or Erotic City by George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic?

  30. Redhead

    So basically, if you’re home alone, don’t answer the door cause it’s probably a fake census worker who’s going to rape you and steal your bank account and Faberge egg and then deport you to Arizona.

    And if you’re a census worker, don’t knock on any doors, cause the people living there are going to inspect your crotch with a BB gun, after they use it to shoot your cell phone, and then get all freaky and S&M with the knife until you agree to a second date.

    And to think, all of this could have been avoided if people had just taken the time to answer about three questions and then put the card back in the mail box (no stamp required!).

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