WHAT RECESSION?  3:14 pm May 18, 2010

Bristol Palin Will Make $30K Per Speech Telling Teen Gals How To Poop Out Babies

by Ken Layne

The Wasilla Cum Dumpster.Famous abstinence activist/teen mom Bristol Palin is hitting the lecture circuit to teach teen moms how to deal with the poverty that usually accompanies teen pregnancy: Go on the lecture circuit and make up to $30,000 per hour — if your mom is famous wingnut Sarah Palin, that is. WE REPEAT: dumb teenager Bristol Palin, who would actually have to keep that fake job working part-time in a medical office if not for her TeeVee Clown Mother’s Millions of Dollars, will make between $15,000 and $30,000 per appearance on the lecture circuit. [Reliable Source]

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Extemporanus May 18, 2010 at 3:19 pm

This is good news for Tracy Jackson.

chascates May 18, 2010 at 3:19 pm

30 grand to hear “I didn’t use birth control but I love my baby and would never consider abortion because God always makes the best decisions even when you don’t.”

President Beeblebrox May 18, 2010 at 3:19 pm

I, for one, thank John McCain from the bottom of my heart for bringing this family of snowbilly grifters into the national spotlight, where they shall surely dwell for the rest of my natural life, amen.

Darkness May 18, 2010 at 3:21 pm

Are there actual, non-brain damaged teens this chick is a hero to?

Texan Bulldoggette May 18, 2010 at 3:22 pm

From what I hear, alt text=Bristol Palin.

Buzz Feedback May 18, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Must pair up w/Souder immediately.

Gratuitous World May 18, 2010 at 3:23 pm

How much to touch the cesarian scar?

ph7 May 18, 2010 at 3:24 pm

I’m convinced Bristol was conceived after Todd and Sarah copulated on the grave of Elmer Gantry.

ManchuCandidate May 18, 2010 at 3:24 pm

No one ever got broke under estimating the intelligence of US America culture war dipshits.

AllHat May 18, 2010 at 3:24 pm

Meh, this delays only slightly the inevitability of her doing porn at some point.

RoscoePColtraine May 18, 2010 at 3:24 pm

So now Bristol comes along to shake the ol’ money tree. And to think, I used to be jealous of her only because of Levi.

freakishlystrong May 18, 2010 at 3:24 pm

So, an abstinence advocate is making $30,000 and hour to speechify about her bouncing bundle of joy, just who, exactly, is getting fucked here? BUY GOLD!!1

JMP May 18, 2010 at 3:26 pm

There’s a certain now-former Congressman who’s asked her to join him to make some abstinence-supporting Youtube videos, if you know what I mean.

Suds McKenzie May 18, 2010 at 3:26 pm

Where is David Shuster with a “pimping out” quote when you need him.

chascates May 18, 2010 at 3:29 pm

Does her contract also call for a LearJet or better from Wasilla, bendy straws, and a Korean or higher babysitter?

Doglessliberal May 18, 2010 at 3:30 pm

[re=579842]freakishlystrong[/re]: And she is making this insane amount of money FOR BEING TOO STUPID TO USE BIRTH CONTROL. I wonder what the per capita income and foreclosure rate are in the towns where she is going to be vomiting her wisdom?

Ken Layne May 18, 2010 at 3:30 pm

[re=579840]AllHat[/re]: In four or five years, she & Levi are gonna do MAKE-UP PORN, and some struggling video company like Vivid is going to make millions … unless Bristol is super fat by then, in which case it’s just gonna be Levi fucking some dudes.

Nim, ham hock of liberty May 18, 2010 at 3:31 pm

Now who exactly will be hiring this delightful pixie, for that much money?

It can’t be an actual business of any kind, because paying $30,000 for Bristol Palin’s wisdom is a per se breach of fiduciary duty to the shareholders.

So, it’s got to be extremely wealthy wingnuts. Rich conservatives.

So…rich old white men want to pay a teenage girl $30,000 per hour to talk about sex. Specifically, not having it, and why it’s very very naughty if you do have it.

OK, makes more sense.

SayItWithWookies May 18, 2010 at 3:31 pm

All I can think is that poor Mike Brown must be eating his heart out. He cornered the market on failure, dammit!

bitchincamaro May 18, 2010 at 3:33 pm

[re=579833]Gratuitous World[/re]: Ha!

RoscoePColtraine May 18, 2010 at 3:34 pm

C’est logique:

“This $30,000 speech would not have been possible, had I not been a teenaged, unwed mother, which I’m asking you not to become, because it was the hugest mistake/windfall/happy,blessed event of my short life. I owe my lucrative expertise on the subject to the fact that I’ve done what you should never do. Don’t do it. Please make your check out to Bristol Palin.”

You really can’t put a value on good advice, can you?

Bruno May 18, 2010 at 3:42 pm

And who will be watching Trigg?

ph7 May 18, 2010 at 3:42 pm

For an additional $5,000, Levi Johnston will demonstrate to the audience why the withdrawal method isn’t always effective.

Suds McKenzie May 18, 2010 at 3:43 pm

[re=579840]AllHat[/re]: $10 bucks says it will be grainy, and at a Motel 6.

Power Ball Number: someone related to Justins Beaver.

facehead May 18, 2010 at 3:44 pm

“…unless Bristol is super fat by then, in which case it’s just gonna be Levi fucking some dudes…”

[re=579854]Ken Layne[/re]: It is insensitive of you to overlook the possibility of Bristol doing porn while she is “super fat” AS LONG AS she is pregnant again (celebrity preggo porn (like Goldline) is a vastly undervalued resource).

As for Levi, he’s already the Ryan Scheckler of Pistachios.

Ducksworthy May 18, 2010 at 3:46 pm

[re=579855]Nim, ham hock of liberty[/re]: Thanks. It all makes sense now. So BP (coincidence?) is to become/remain the paid for fap fantasy object of people like the Koch brothers? That makes sense.

Cape Clod May 18, 2010 at 3:47 pm

It may have been said before, but isn’t this like hiring Evel Knievel to promote motorcycle safety?

Ducksworthy May 18, 2010 at 3:47 pm

And following in her mother’s slime trail. Also.

bored with gravity May 18, 2010 at 3:48 pm

[re=579876]Bruno[/re]: I think you mean Trapp, the other one.

Snarkalicious May 18, 2010 at 3:53 pm

[re=579822]chascates[/re]: Hey, broken down amongst the 1000 Texas gradeschoolers in attendence, that’s only 30 smackers per. This is much cheaper than rewriting and purchasing new text books, and the old ones can be used to fuel border fires.

GOPCrusher May 18, 2010 at 3:54 pm

Doesn’t sound like a very sound business decision. I’m sure there are a bevy of teenage/single mothers available that would be willing to speak for abstinence for 10K a speech.
With decisions like this, it’s no wonder our economy is in such sad shape.

Prommie May 18, 2010 at 3:55 pm

Its fucking unbeleivable. With my BA and MA and JD, I have just spent an hour moving chairs and tables and vacuming the boardroom, and these motherfucking grifting retards, they, they, oh fuck me, just fucking shoot me, what the fucking fuck? I don’t have that much in my 401-K. And I am old.

RoscoePColtraine May 18, 2010 at 3:58 pm

[re=579908]Prommie[/re]: And you’ve chosen not to bilk poor people because……….?

President Beeblebrox May 18, 2010 at 3:58 pm

[re=579855]Nim, ham hock of liberty[/re]: Hm. You mean like this one?

I think Pedobear must be on the GOP payroll.

chascates May 18, 2010 at 3:58 pm

[re=579899]Snarkalicious[/re]: You, sir, have a bright future in Texas politics, should you be so moved.

Jukesgrrl May 18, 2010 at 3:59 pm

She can name the next baby ‘Tude.

McDuff May 18, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Bristol gets $30,000 for an hour of “work” and her baby’s sitter gets $6.00/hour. How about we make the sitter a better offer, say a $100, to clip a little hair for a DNA test and see who really fathered and birthed that baby. THE FREE MARKET RULES!

Diamante May 18, 2010 at 4:00 pm

So is Levi Johnston off the hook for child support (this year), as I’m guessing that she will earn more than he! (Ok, he probably won’t be absolved, but I don’t see why not if she’s going to rake in this much money.) I think she should take all of that money and donate it to programs for teen mothers. But we know that she won’t. If she’s smart, she will stash it away for her kid’s college, her retirement, and their general living expenses.

Hopey dont play that game May 18, 2010 at 4:00 pm

I hope Levi got in a Donkey Punch or two.

x111e7thst May 18, 2010 at 4:02 pm

She seems to be signed with Single Source Speakers who also rep for The Love Chromosome.
Words fail.

F*T*S* May 18, 2010 at 4:04 pm

[re=579908]Prommie[/re]: LOL!

I mean sorry.

Smoke Filled Roommate May 18, 2010 at 4:07 pm

[re=579876]Bruno[/re]: [re=579892]bored with gravity[/re]: No, you’re talking about Dripp..

Extemporanus May 18, 2010 at 4:09 pm

[re=579912]President Beeblebrox[/re]: You can’t mention “Pedobear” and “GOP” in the same sentence without expecting me to once again remind you of THIS.

Way Cool Larry May 18, 2010 at 4:12 pm

[re=579922]x111e7thst[/re]: Oh god that site is truly frightening…

Joshua Norton May 18, 2010 at 4:13 pm

abstinence activist/UNWED teen mom

Let’s not forget double whammy wingnut shame of being UNWED.

Prommie May 18, 2010 at 4:16 pm

[re=579911]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Nonprofits, well, don’t look for you to kill yourself with the billing, you know what I mean? In fact, no billing. No profit, damn little work.

Ken Layne May 18, 2010 at 4:17 pm

[re=579908]Prommie[/re]: At least we can hope that she’s fat, broke and lonely by the time *she’s* old, thirty years from now.

WhatTheHeck May 18, 2010 at 4:19 pm

[re=579908]Prommie[/re]: What really hurts is seeing idiots prosper off their stupidity.

ella May 18, 2010 at 4:22 pm

If anybody ponies up that kind of money to hear her talk about being a knocked-up teenager, then the recession is well and truly over.

SayItWithWookies May 18, 2010 at 4:27 pm

[re=579922]x111e7thst[/re]: That’s gotta be some form of aversion therapy where they put those folks in front of a paying audience and make them watch. I don’t know if they come away hating Christianity or the handicapped more, though — or maybe disabled self-styled “comedians and motivational speakers.” I’m imagining a cross between Glenn Beck and Joel Osteen, with more fake tears.

chascates May 18, 2010 at 4:30 pm

[re=579922]x111e7thst[/re]: They have the wonderful Alan Keyes!

wilbro May 18, 2010 at 4:32 pm

In all fairness, it is much cheaper than paying Rekers to tell you how to cure the gays. And about as effective, so really, a bargain for the family values crowd.

Bearbloke May 18, 2010 at 4:46 pm

[re=579855]Nim, ham hock of liberty[/re]: For $15,000 to $30,000 per appearance, there will be ‘Happy Endings’ for each and every member of the Old-Boys Clubs she at which she performs…

BOOBIES! May 18, 2010 at 4:54 pm

Can’t wait ’til she stars in MTV’s new reality series, “Wasilla Shores.”

I want to find out who is stupid enough to pay $15-30K to hear a lecture by a dropout teenager who can’t remember to use birth control.

Katydid May 18, 2010 at 5:01 pm

[re=579919]Diamante[/re]: If she’s smart, she will stash it away for her kid’s college, her retirement, and their general living expenses.

Are you high?

Beowoof May 18, 2010 at 5:07 pm

[re=579855]Nim, ham hock of liberty[/re]: What is she 19, big tits, I can see old evangelical wingnuts throwing down lots of cash for speaking. And think of what she could make is pulled the big boobs out for the old guys. Almost an Anna Nicole thing.

bored with gravity May 18, 2010 at 5:19 pm

[re=580010]Katydid[/re]: Well played. I see a closet full of Coach and Burburry purses in her future, along with an empty bank account.

What? No! May 18, 2010 at 5:41 pm

Also. Just also.

Wonderman May 18, 2010 at 5:48 pm

Wait. Is she single now? Anyone got a phone number?

Hedley Lamar May 18, 2010 at 6:02 pm

Alt text for the win.

lochnessmonster May 18, 2010 at 6:03 pm

When I grew up you weren’t rewarded for poor behavior and bad decisions. You were sent away to your “aunt’s house” and it wasn’t something you were proud of and told everyone about.

Ken Layne May 18, 2010 at 6:18 pm

[re=580086]lochnessmonster[/re]: Sarah Palin is “America’s Aunt.” Or “America’s Aunt’s House.”

Maus May 18, 2010 at 6:19 pm

[re=580019]Beowoof[/re]: Hey, “the kids these days” just love yo-yo tricks and juggling ant-drug acts, why not “abstinence on a trampoline (with no bra)”?

mustardman May 18, 2010 at 6:20 pm

Not sure if this is what you mean’t by posting that picture of a dumpster but ‘cum dumpster’ was my first thought so kudos for that.

zhubajie May 18, 2010 at 6:46 pm

[re=579946]Ken Layne[/re]: ten years from now.

zhubajie May 18, 2010 at 6:50 pm

Get Levi to promote condoms!

greatgooglymoogly May 18, 2010 at 7:28 pm

Fuck. Whatta world. Oh, and that laughing laughing laughing sound you hear? It’s China. (I hope they shoot me first.)

Donk May 18, 2010 at 7:33 pm

I wonder how long it is until she makes a mistake and says:
“During my first pregnancy…”

rocktonsammy May 18, 2010 at 9:23 pm

Bris won’t be abstaining from still being a slut.

The acorn doesn’t fall from this tree.

S.Luggo May 18, 2010 at 9:44 pm

The lecture fees are going towards teaching Bristol how to keep knees locked. Expensive. Much practice involved. Particularly since mom’s her tutor. Did I say something bad?

Whatever remains will be put into Tripp’s college fund. Named by Granny Sarah, it’s called, “Pick Six”.

Q: Does anyone know Tripp’s last name? “Loading Bed of an F-150″ doesn’t count.

Smoke Filled Roommate May 19, 2010 at 4:40 am

[re=580093]Ken Layne[/re]: I’ll take your vowel and raise you a C in certain places. However, I like the sound of ‘Palin Aunt Farm’ or ‘Wasilla Aunt Farm’.
Why do I suddenly feel like listening to Harvest?.

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 19, 2010 at 6:43 am

Q: How much meth can you buy in Wasillia for $30,000/hr?

A: All of it, Charlie, all of it.

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