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BREAKING: House Republican Mark Souder Resigning TODAY, Over an Affair … With a WOMAN!

'We know that cheatin' is wrong. We're just a pair of old sneakers ...'Indiana Republican and eight-term congressman Mark Souder is resigning immediately because he had sexytime with a woman who was not married-in-Christ to him. Souder just defeated a teabagger in the GOP primary, but with less than 50% of the vote, and eh we’ve never heard of this guy — Indiana’s third congressional district, we should pay more attention to this hotspot! — so let’s get to the crazy all-caps SORRY JEEBUS I PUT MY WANG IN ANOTHER LADY’S LADYPARTS. Also, he’s a wingnut who campaigned on the bullshit “I will repeal Obamacare,” so let the Devil take him!

The Devil take you, Mark Souder, for your Infidelity Against God! The Devil take you!

UPDATE: Here is sexy (?) video of the married mistress interviewing the married congressman about WHY PEOPLE CAN’T HAVE SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE, ACCORDING TO JESUS.

Here’s the damning take from FoxNews:

Multiple senior House sources indicated that the extent of Souder’s affair with the staffer would have landed him before the House Ethics Committee. Sources told Fox News that the aide, identified as Tracy Jackson, a woman in her mid-40s, would accompany the congressman to events and to record ads at a Christian radio broadcast station.

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Elected as a family values conservative as part of the Republican revolution in 1994, Souder survived a tough re-election challenge in 2008 and survived a contested primary two weeks ago.

And here is Souder’s hilarious idiot resignation statement, which he apparently had many days to prepare, ha ha:

“IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET I ANNOUNCE THAT I AM RESIGNING FROM THE US HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, AS WELL AS RESIGNING AS THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE FOR CONGRESS IN THIS FALL’S ELECTION.I BELIEVE IT IS THE BEST DECISION FOR MY FAMILY, THE PEOPLE OF NORTHEAST INDIANA, AND OUR COUNTRY. I WILL SUBMIT MY RESIGNATION TO SPEAKER PELOSI EFFECTIVE THIS FRIDAY. I CAN NEVER FULLY THANK ALL THOSE WHO HAVE WORKED SO HARD, GIVEN SO MUCH AND SUPPORTED ME THROUGH EIGHT CONTESTED PRIMARIES AND EIGHT GENERAL ELECTIONS.ONLY WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN THE RECIPIENT CAN YOU REALLY FEEL THE HUMBLING POWER OF SUCH GENEROSITY. IT HAS BEEN A PRIVILEGE TO BE A PART OF THE BATTLE FOR FREEDOM AND THE VALUES WE SHARE.IT HAS BEEN A GREAT HONOR TO FIGHT FOR THE NEEDS, THE JOBS, AND THE FUTURE OF THIS REGION WHERE MY FAMILY HAS LIVED FOR OVER 160 YEARS. IT HAS BEEN ALL CONSUMING FOR ME TO DO THIS JOB WELL, ESPECIALLY IN A DISTRICT WITH COSTLY, COMPETITIVE ELECTIONS EVERY TWO YEARS I DO NOT HAVE ANY SORT OF “NORMAL” LIFE – FOR FAMILY, FOR FRIENDS, FOR CHURCH, FOR COMMUNITY.TO SERVE HAS BEEN A BLESSING AND A RESPONSIBILITY GIVEN FROM GOD.I WISH I COULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER EXAMPLE. I SINNED AGAINST GOD, MY WIFE AND MY FAMILY BY HAVING A MUTUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH A PART-TIME MEMBER OF MY STAFF.IN THE POISONOUS ENVIRONMENT OF WASHINGTON DC, ANY PERSONAL FAILING IS SEIZED UPON, OFTEN TWISTED, FOR POLITICAL GAIN. I AM RESIGNING RATHER THAN TO PUT MY FAMILY THROUGH THAT PAINFUL, DRAWN-OUT PROCESS.DIANE AND MY FAMILY WERE MORE THAN WILLING TO STAND HERE WITH ME. WE ARE A COMMITTED FAMILY. BUT THE ERROR IS MINE AND I SHOULD BEAR THE RESPONSIBILITY, NOT ONLY AM I THANKFUL FOR A LOVING FAMILY BUT FOR A LOVING GOD. MY COMFORT IS THAT GOD IS A GRACIOUS AND FORGIVING GOD TO THOSE WHO SINCERELY SEEK HIS FORGIVENESS AS I DO. BUT I AM SO ASHAMED TO HAVE HURT THOSE I LOVE.I AM SO SORRY TO HAVE LET SO MANY FRIENDS DOWN, PEOPLE WHO HAVE FOUGHT SO HARD FOR ME. THE IDEAS WE ADVOCATE ARE STILL JUST AND RIGHT.AMERICA WILL SURVIVE AND THRIVE WHEN ANCHORED IN THOSE VALUES.HUMAN BEINGS, LIKE ME, WILL FAIL, BUT OUR CAUSE IS GREATER THAN INDIVIDUALS.IT IS BASED UPON ETERNAL TRUTHS.BY STEPPING ASIDE, MY MISTAKE CANNOT BE USED AS A POLITICAL FOOTBALL IN A PARTISAN ATTEMPT TO UNDERMINE THE CAUSE FOR WHICH I HAVE LABORED ALL MY ADULT LIFE.I LOVE THIS AREA.THIS IS MY HOME.IT HAS BEEN SUCH AN HONOR TO SERVE YOU.FOR SIXTEEN YEARS, MY FAMILY AND I HAVE GIVEN OUR ALL FOR THIS AREA. THE TOLL HAS BEEN HIGH.AS I LEAVE PUBLIC OFFICE, MY PLANS ARE FOCUSED UPON REPAIRING MY MARRIAGE, EARNING BACK THE TRUST OF MY FAMILY AND MY COMMUNITY, AND RENEWING MY WALK WITH MY LORD. I HUMBLY ASK YOU, FOR THE SAKE OF MY FAMILY THAT YOU RESPECT OUR PRIVACY IN THIS DIFFICULT TIME.”

Ha ha, he blames “THE POISONOUS ENVIRONMENT OF WASHINGTON DC” for making him take an Indiana lady around to Christian radio stations in Indiana and then fucking her all the time, GROSS and also, sorry, not exactly “THE POISONOUS ENVIRONMENT OF WASHINGTON DC.” Fuck you, hypocrite. The Lord not only isn’t going to be renewing any walks with you (gross), but you are also going to Hell, with the Devil. The Devil take you!

[Washington Post/Fox News]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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84 comments

  1. Ruhe

    You have to check out the statement as it is presented on Fox’s site. In the body of the text three words are highlighted as though they were links but if you roll over them you get a pop-up ad. The pop-up associated with the word “family” is an ad for Oxyclean. The found poetry of the new media substance.

  2. Scarab

    Lo, though the Lord made you ugly so you couldn’t sin against him, still you have forsaken His word and strayed from the path.

  3. Doglessliberal

    “I AM RESIGNING RATHER THAN TO PUT MY FAMILY THROUGH THAT PAINFUL, DRAWN-OUT PROCESS”

    So you make a bizarre public statement which totally humiliates them in the National press instead of just resigning quietly.

    You are fat and ugly, also.

  4. The Church of Realism

    What kind of self-loather do you have to be to sleep with a hob-goblin like that?

  5. 4tehlulz

    MAN I AM GLAD HE USED ALL CAPS THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW IT’S SERIOUS BUSINESS

    FUCK WASHINGTON FOR MAKING ME STICK MY DICK INTO THIS WOMAN’S OPENINGS

  6. WhatTheHeck

    Ah have sinned. But it was no sin… until Ah was caught with my hand in the cookie jar, my finger in the honey pot.

  7. JMP

    He certainly cares for his family, since he spends a lot more time in his note apologizing to his imaginary friend than to his wife.

  8. Troubledog

    Also, this. Also. From souder.house.gov, below the huge banner of the stethoscope, where he says he is “Saving Healthcare”, referring to his time as an undergrad at an Indiana U extension campus, in a grain elevator in Fort Wayne, probably owned by Monsanto:

    “Had he not been elected to Congress, perhaps his most significant achievement would have been his involvement in naming the IPFW “Mastodons” while he was student body president.”

    Should have quit while you were ahead and run your family’s Amish diner or whatever the fuck you do out there.

  9. Limeylizzie

    What exactly does this hidden gem mean?

    I DO NOT HAVE ANY SORT OF “NORMAL” LIFE

  10. PsycGirl

    “IN THE POISONOUS ENVIRONMENT OF WASHINGTON DC, ANY PERSONAL FAILING IS SEIZED UPON, OFTEN TWISTED, FOR POLITICAL GAIN.”

    Everywhere else, adultery is really no big deal, kind of like failing to recycle, but in D.C. it’s a big deal and that makes me so mad, I’m shouting online.

  11. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=579349]The Church of Realism[/re]: No shit. The staffer wasn’t bad looking, either. Must be all that talk about abstinence that got them all hot for each other.

  12. What Fresh Hell is This?

    Why did Wonkette use a photograph of an amphibian to illustrate the story? Oh, sorry, that IS the congressman.

    Question. When he says “MY MISTAKE CANNOT BE USED AS A POLITICAL FOOTBALL IN A PARTISAN ATTEMPT TO UNDERMINE THE CAUSE FOR WHICH I HAVE LABORED ALL MY ADULT LIFE,” is that CAUSE the search for willing lady parts?

  13. StripesAndPlaids

    I like the strategy. Apologize in all caps, ignore the socialist use of the post period space, and make it nearly impossible for anyone to actually read what you wrote. If he went full justification, nobody would ever know what he did.

  14. crapshooter102

    Excuse me while I empty my trash can of Puke. If the “Poisonous Environment” of DC made him do this, I wonder what he did in Vegas and LA. I can only imagine what he and Ms. Jackson did on the way to the Christian Radio Station to keep him pumped up. God will forgive, but he had better Hope and Pray the Wifey has not talked to a good Divorce Attorney.

  15. progressiveinga

    WONDER IF HE USED CONDOMS SINCE THE ABSTINENCE PROGRAMS HE LOVES SO MUCH TEACH THAT CONDOMS ARE SO DANGED INEFFECTIVE. Just sayin’.

  16. thefrontpage

    The female staffer, Tracy Jackson, is pretty cute, so he gets some points for at least fooling around with a cute, attractive, legal-age woman!

    For everything else, Souder is a moron.

  17. facehead

    I’m sure the affair started innocently enough.

    He was probably doing some word-processing at his (stand up) desk, and when he couldn’t figure out how to turn off the caps lock he naturally asked his female intern to search underneath the desk for a solution … strangely, 90% of all (heterosexual) wingnut affairs start off this way (the other 10% start off with “Your burning Obama effigy is really making me hot.”).

  18. Hallux Valgus

    I BELIEVE IT IS THE BEST DECISION FOR MY FAMILY, THE PEOPLE OF NORTHEAST INDIANA, AND OUR COUNTRY

    Yes, how could our country possibly survive with a hypocrite philanderer serving in Congress? Never has a nation survived such a horror. NEVER

  19. freakishlystrong

    Stop the presses! A fucking Republican is actually resigning after being busted as a hypocrite? Isn’t that just for the Demonrats? Don’t Republicans hang on like grim death no matter what?
    And oh yeah, who created that er…POISONOUS ENVIRONMENT, anyway?

  20. oldguy

    A Google search for Tracy Jackson images turns up some interesting possibilities on the “lady’s” identity…

  21. Egregious

    “ONLY WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN THE RECIPIENT CAN YOU REALLY FEEL THE HUMBLING POWER OF SUCH GENEROSITY.”

    The humbling power of Ms. Tracy Jackson? What, is she a dominatrix or something? Did she make Souder feel small and dirty?

  22. Way Cool Larry

    “THE IDEAS WE ADVOCATE ARE STILL JUST AND RIGHT.AMERICA WILL SURVIVE AND THRIVE WHEN ANCHORED IN THOSE VALUES.HUMAN BEINGS, LIKE ME, WILL FAIL, BUT OUR CAUSE IS GREATER THAN INDIVIDUALS.”

    Well, shit– isn’t the idea that humans fail regularly exactly why “abstinence only education” can never truly be effective and is a joke??? How can he possibly still believe he’s right?

  23. BOOBIES!

    “IN THE POISONOUS ENVIRONMENT OF WASHINGTON DC, ANY PERSONAL FAILING IS SEIZED UPON, OFTEN TWISTED, FOR POLITICAL GAIN.”

    YOU’RE THE DAMN IDIOT WHO MADE WASHINGTON POLITICS ALL ABOUT PERSONAL FAILINGS. IF YOU WOULD MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND STAY OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE’S PERSONAL DECISIONS, THIS WOULDN’T BE A BIG ISSUE. BUT BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO GO AROUND PREACHING ABSTINENCE, FAMILY VALUES, NO ABORTIONS, NO GAY MARRIAGE, ETC., YOUR PERSONAL FAILINGS BECOME POLITICAL FAIR GAME YOU WORTHLESS, HYPOCRITICAL MAGGOT.

  24. JMP

    [re=579393]Way Cool Larry[/re]: The moron also recorded videos with his mistress supporting creationism, so he must find it easy to believe ridiculous lies, and likes forcing teachers to lie to children.

  25. Sue

    Despite what he says in HIS ANNOUNCEMENT, it does not in fact seem as if being a Rep was ALL CONSUMING.

  26. Mr Blifil

    [re=579419]Sue[/re]: I’m sure it was a typo. I think he meant “ALL CONSUMMATING.”

  27. schvitzatura

    Me and your wifey
    Got a special thang going on
    You say it’s puppy love
    We say it’s full grown
    Hope that we feel this
    Feel this way forever
    You could plan a pretty picnic
    But you can’t predict the weather, Mr. Jackson

  28. Cape Clod

    THE POISONOUS ENVIORNMENT OF WASHINGTON WILL NEVER LET ME GET AWAY WITH ACTIONS THAT STAND IN DIRECT CONTRADICTION TO EVERY VALUE I EVER CLAIMED TO ESPOUSE. LACKING MY ABILITY TO DISPENSE WITH RATIONAL DEBATE AND CLAIM MORAL SUPERIORTY AS THE BASIS OF ALL MY ARGUEMENTS WITH CONGRESSIONAL COLLEAGUES, I NO LONGER FEEL LIKE I CAN EFFECTIVELY CARRY FORTH MY CRAVENLY HYPOCRITICAL, JESUS LOVING, WING-NUT AGENDA.

  29. pirate king of the Jews

    On the one hand I could end my career and marriage. Alienate the public that has voted for me for the last 16 years. And hold myself up to public ridicule and expose myself as a hypocrite of the worst kind…On the other hand, she sure looks good in that skirt…

  30. germansteel

    If that woman – Ms. Jackson – claims that he raped her, or sexually harrassed her into doing it all the time with him, I’d believe it. On account of she is kinda hot for a jesusfreak, and he is unusually loathesome even for a Republican bible quoting gas bag from Indiana.

  31. a_pink_poodle

    Are you sure it’s a woman and not just a trannie or a very effeminate twink? To suggest a Republican having an affair with the opposite sex is… highly unusual and very uncharacteristic to be honest.

  32. mumblyjoe

    Okay, I need someone to explain this to me. I am not gross and old and mean. In fact, I’m young, decently attractive, and quite the charming wit. Yet, somehow, this old, gross, slimeball of a creature somehow manages to make sexytime with a fairly cute staffer, whilst I’m on an involuntary five-year-long stint of celebacy. How can that stuff be reconciled with the idea that there’s a just creator-diety out there? It can’t, that’s how.

    I mean, sure, some people are “attracted to power”, but even then. We’re talking about a minor Congressdrone whose main accomplishment was… umm… ::checks wikipedia:: Oh! Apparently he was the guy who authored that law that took financial aid away from kids caught smoking pot, effectively guaranteeing that their futures were completely destroyed, forever! Seriously, what a slug.

  33. Cape Clod

    Does anyone else think that this fuzz-knuckle looks a bit like Hank Hill from “King of the Hill?”

  34. edgydrifter

    Here’s some word count fun.

    REGRET: 1
    WIFE: 1
    MARRIAGE: 1
    SORRY: 1
    VALUES: 2
    SIN: 3
    GOD: 5
    ME: 5
    MY: 20
    I: 21

    That pretty much sums up traditional Republican priorities right there.

  35. McDuff

    [re=579364]Limeylizzie[/re]: Some conservatives and some overseas military men appear to use “lack of a normal family life” (i.e. being away from home for extended periods and thus not able to stuppa the wife) as an excuse to have relations with non-wife persons. Probably seen as ok with Jebus since it’s just sex with no commitment. “Extended period away from home” probably varies from 6 months to 6 minutes depending on just how much of a hyprocrite the pro-family dude is.

  36. Apocalyptic Supermarket

    “A MUTUAL RELATIONSHIP” Well, if it was mutual, at least we know he’s not a carthiefrapist either.

    ::applause::

    (However, by “MUTUAL”, perhaps he just means “wicked kinky,” since we later learn that his “PERSONAL FAILING [was] SEIZED UPON, OFTEN TWISTED…”)

  37. jjdaddyo

    How great would it be if this guy got up there and said
    “If that whore-mongering, diaper-wearing freak Vidder didn’t resign, I’m not going to either! All you lamestream media hacks and blogger-fappers can kiss my ass! Me and my hot “aide” will be moving into a Watergate apartment with a big round bed and a hot tub. Tony Perkins can suck it! God bless Viagra and God bless The United States of America that invented it! Peace-out, fuckers!”
    Yes, I’d pay to see that.

  38. Hoplight

    BATTLE FOR FREEDOM AND THE VALUES

    Try starting at home next time, bitches. The rest of us are doing fine without your bloviating.

  39. Hoplight

    NOT ONLY AM I THANKFUL FOR A LOVING FAMILY BUT FOR A LOVING GOD.

    Yeah, you invented a god with rules you can bend whenever you fucking feel like it without long-term repercussions, but spend your ever-loving career trying to fuck over others with the same rules. I see a trend here.

  40. Long Form Def Certificate

    Eight term Congressman? Each term, at two years, times 8… makes 16 year. Take 16 from 2010 & you get — 1994!

    Souder: another illustrious alum of the Republican Revolution.

    Who knew the Contract on America was really a cuckolding arrangement?

  41. Hoplight

    [re=579458]mumblyjoe[/re]: You have to make people feel good about themselves. Politicians tend to have an overdose of this skill, half of them to a sociopathic level.

  42. doxastic

    God, why did the POISONOUS WASHINGTON ENVIRONMENT force this Jesus-loving man to stick his penis in another lady’s married vagina?

  43. finallyhappy

    Of course, the problem isn’t that you are a lying adulterer who told other people how to live but Washington, DC. Will Faux News be supporting him for the sadness which DC brought upon this POS?? Also since he was supposedly doing it with a live woman above the age of consent(but Ithink there is more to the story), I suppose the GOP will support him too. Mikey will be sending him some RNC consolation funds.

  44. doxastic

    [re=579369]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: He should know better than to challenge Wonkette so. I believe it CAN be used as a POLITICAL FOOTBALL TO [YADA YADA YADA]

  45. Terry

    [re=579540]finallyhappy[/re]:

    …a live woman above the age of consent with whom he made videos for the Christian Broadcast Network about how one shouldn’t have sex outside of marriage.

  46. One Yield Regular

    [re=579443]Cape Clod[/re]: If that doesn’t win this year’s PEN International translation prize, there’s no justice in the world.

  47. problemwithcaring

    He voted against impeaching Clinton, so does that mean there is a limit to how hypocritical one person can be with themselves? ‘Cause, honestly, solemnly condemning behavior in which you gleefully participate is like a Christian’s rite of passage.

  48. bitchincamaro

    The Unabomber manifesto made more sense than this dreck, and was more heartfelt.

  49. K.C.

    Indiana Cummer; or, The Mark Souder Story

    Ye ladies, beware him like rabies!
    Though “chaste,” you’ll end up with babies.
    “True, I hate every fag,
    “But my wife makes be gag!”
    A Jesus-freak monster? No maybes!

  50. libwakman

    “MY MISTAKE CANNOT BE USED AS A POLITICAL FOOTBALL IN A PARTISAN ATTEMPT TO UNDERMINE THE CAUSE FOR WHICH I HAVE LABORED ALL MY ADULT LIFE”.
    Ya..those damned partisan libruls will take an innocent little dalliance which Jeebus has already forgiven me for and attempt to stick it up my ass as I stuck it up the ass of the good Christian God fearing staffer. Bas. turds.

  51. mumblyjoe

    [re=579511]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: Another fun fact: When he first ran, he signed a pledge not to run past a second term, for Freedom.

    Good thing that “Loving God” of his doesn’t have any choice words for bloated, disgusting liars and hypocrites, amirite?

  52. NYNYNY

    [re=579540]finallyhappy[/re]: “more to the story” …methinks so too. Methinks mayhaps he was…pooping on her? Mayhaps he is her father, from previsous marriage? Only tomorrow shall tell.

  53. zhubajie

    [re=579349]The Church of Realism[/re]: Compared with a lot of preachers, and Hoosier men, that is skinny.

  54. zhubajie

    [re=579383]freakishlystrong[/re]: Makes you wonder how ferocious the “Or else” is, doesn’t it?

Comments are closed.