THE THREE THAT ARE STILL ALIVE  4:23 pm May 17, 2010

Don’t Worry, The Oil Spill Response Team Will Clean All Those Pretty Oil Birds

by Jim Newell

If you are massive loser, you may not be aware of the hottest new Internet sensation, DEEPWATER HORIZON RESPONSE: THE OFFICIAL SITE OF THE DEEPWATER HORIZON UNIFIED COMMAND, maintained by the DEEPWATER HORIZON INCIDENT JOINT INFORMATION CENTER (JIC), which is also on the Twitter (ha ha: “What is happening to oil, someone asks — 34 minutes ago via TweetDeck”). The JIC is the collaborative effort of the various failed federal agencies and corporations who want you to know that they care. Here is a nice, fluffy press release showing America that the caring JIC will wash the oil off of all those cute (living) birds down there, like this pelican. Heroes, all! What advanced chemical agents are they using to rid this pelican of the horrible, horrible crude oil it has been covered in and drinking all the time?

Click for super-big size:

Ahh, just some Dawn dish soap, applied by multicolored children’s toothbrushes. Huh. You’d think the DEEPWATER HORIZON UNIFIED COMMAND could pony up and buy a basic GE dishwasher to clean all these pelicans, what, four, five at a time?

[Deepwater Horizon JIC]
US Navy photo

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 67 comments }

bfstevie May 17, 2010 at 4:29 pm

Reminds me of my stint as a busboy/dishwasher. Don’t feel sorry for these folks. They get to duck into the walk-in freezer every so often and scarf down Napoleons before the chef finds out.

Jim Demintia May 17, 2010 at 4:30 pm

Well now I feel completely better about all this.

memzilla May 17, 2010 at 4:30 pm

Every item in the lower picture is made from a petroleum product. Which, of course, now also describes all the wildlife in the area.

Way Cool Larry May 17, 2010 at 4:30 pm

Jesus, what a waste of plastic packaging— can’t they get industrial sized soap bottle and bulk toothbrushes? Typical wasteful Americans. And how many birds are covered with oil versus the number this loser squad can clean at a time?

lawrenceofthedesert May 17, 2010 at 4:35 pm

It’s a shame that Hitchcock isn’t alive to do the sequel, which looks even scarier.

ManchuCandidate May 17, 2010 at 4:36 pm

Madge does not approve.

Bernie Madeoff May 17, 2010 at 4:37 pm

Note to PR hack: next time use boobies and sponges.

JMP May 17, 2010 at 4:38 pm

Cleaning off all those birds above water will certainly do a lot of good for all that deep sea life the spill is currently killing.

Joshua Norton May 17, 2010 at 4:38 pm

To quote BP, “What’s the problem? There’s still a lot of ocean that isn’t oily.”

chascates May 17, 2010 at 4:41 pm

Still unemployed, I’d take a job doing this. Except maybe for the biting part; don’t angry birds do that? And I’m guessing there’s a lot of shit involved. Both from the birds and from the cleaners when they get bitten. Too bad there’s not as much money in cleaning up ecological disasters as there is in killing people (Blackwater, et al.).

Rosie Scenario May 17, 2010 at 4:41 pm

[re=578807]ManchuCandidate[/re]: “Yer soaking in it.” Memories of childhood TV.

rocktonsammy May 17, 2010 at 4:41 pm

If you put Dawn dish soap in a bowl with Mtn Dew, it will attract and kill bees and your picnic won’t be ruined also.

Come here a minute May 17, 2010 at 4:42 pm

The oil spill? You’re soaking in it.

Mr Blifil May 17, 2010 at 4:42 pm

The hell of it is that BP, in a cost-cutting measure, got those bird-cleaning smocks on consignment from a company specializing in recycled Chernobyl uniforms.

Extemporanus May 17, 2010 at 4:43 pm

Sad lesbian cat senator Tom Coburn’s gynecologist get-up is super hawt.

WhatTheHeck May 17, 2010 at 4:44 pm

What the hell. These birds are already basted and can be sold as oven-ready.
Don’t let another capitalistic idea slip away.

TakingAmes May 17, 2010 at 4:44 pm

[re=578800]memzilla[/re]: Probably not the stainless steel table. Or the cardboard box. Also.

Jim89048 May 17, 2010 at 4:45 pm
bureaucrap May 17, 2010 at 4:45 pm

BP’s next PR message — “Remember, the Oily Bird catches the worm!”

Extemporanus May 17, 2010 at 4:45 pm

[re=578799]Jim Demintia[/re]: Palmoil Liquid: “You’re soaking in it!”

BOOBIES! May 17, 2010 at 4:47 pm

When I want to scrub down pelicans, I prefer to throw them in the back of my pick-up and drive through the car wash.

Radiotherapy May 17, 2010 at 4:48 pm

Are we not women? We are Devo!

Smoke Filled Roommate May 17, 2010 at 4:48 pm

Wasn’t Madge the Palmolive lady?

Extemporanus May 17, 2010 at 4:49 pm

[re=578818]Come here a minute[/re]: [re=578825]Extemporanus[/re]: I am a big fat globby tar ball.

Chernobyl Soup May 17, 2010 at 4:49 pm

[re=578819]Mr Blifil[/re]: Ahem. That was 25 years ago. Can we just drop it?

Ducksworthy May 17, 2010 at 4:50 pm

[re=578810]JMP[/re]: A pointless pittance of an effort but priceless PR.

Extemporanus May 17, 2010 at 4:51 pm

[re=578830]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: BP CEO: “Madges? We ain’t got no Madges? We don’t need no Madges!”

BOOBIES! May 17, 2010 at 4:53 pm

BP = Big Poop? British Pricks? Brown Poo?

JIC = Jackasses In Charge? Just Incompetent Cleaning?

foulmouthed mrscreant May 17, 2010 at 4:55 pm

[re=578801]Way Cool Larry[/re]: The plastic island in the Pacific needs moar plastic.

Radiotherapy May 17, 2010 at 4:57 pm

What’s with the crime scene tape in the background? CSI: BP?

SmutBoffin May 17, 2010 at 4:59 pm

Dishpan hands and pots and pans and ashtrays full of butts
Pearldiving’s the life for me, I’m such a little putz
The heat, the slime, I’ve never been on time
I’m soaking wet, I’ll never save a dime

Born to do dishes, I was born to do dishes
I was born to do dishes and my mom’s really bummed out

ph7 May 17, 2010 at 4:59 pm

So, death by foam is better than death by oil?

I Heart Accuracy May 17, 2010 at 5:00 pm

Hell you don’t even need charcoal anymore. Just throw it on the grill, whip out the zippo and DINNER!

snideinplainsight May 17, 2010 at 5:02 pm

Absolutely no snark left on this one – (big sigh).

snideinplainsight May 17, 2010 at 5:04 pm

Here we go –

“Less Oily, moar Taitz!”

ShamWow May 17, 2010 at 5:10 pm

Last year dish soap was used to lube up some steel for the semi-annual Bay Bridge repairs. Dish soap is quickly turning into the duct tape of the 21st century.

http://www.mtc.ca.gov/projects/bay_bridge/closure.htm

gregp May 17, 2010 at 5:19 pm

Dawn has actually been found to clean oil from animals at low concentrations and without irritating the animal’s skin. It’s cheap and widely available, and it works. No need for snark here.

bitchincamaro May 17, 2010 at 5:19 pm

It’s always darkest before the Dawn.

gregp May 17, 2010 at 5:19 pm

Dawn has actually been found to clean oil from animals at low concentrations and without irritating the animals’ skin. It’s cheap and widely available, and it works. No need for snark here.

Cape Clod May 17, 2010 at 5:23 pm

And once the birds are clean what is done with them? It’s not like you can release them into the wild because YOU HAVEN’T FIXED THE REASON WHY THESE BIRDS ARE OILY IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU FUCKFACES.

GOPCrusher May 17, 2010 at 5:35 pm

Somebody needs to drag Brit Hume’s ass down to Louisiana and put him to work cleaning birds.

Scarab May 17, 2010 at 5:36 pm

Barbara Bush says, “Things are working out fine for the waterfowl, if it wasn’t for the oil spill none of them would have received a free bath.”

Mad Brahms May 17, 2010 at 5:36 pm

[re=578798]bfstevie[/re]: Fixed: Don’t feel sorry for these folks. They get to duck into the walk-in freezer every so often and scarf down Pelicans before the chef finds out.

Radiotherapy May 17, 2010 at 5:41 pm

[re=578863]gregp[/re]: You know what else Dawn is good for? It doesn’t ruffle turkey’s feathers!

DangerousLiberal May 17, 2010 at 5:43 pm

[re=578815]chascates[/re]: That’s why there’s illegal aliens–to clean the oily birds Americans won’t clean.

Crank Tango May 17, 2010 at 5:44 pm

[re=578874]GOPCrusher[/re]: fuck that– make him go clean sharks.

SayItWithWookies May 17, 2010 at 5:45 pm

Tell me, how does one get the tar and feathers off of a BP executive? I’m assuming the solution is even more tar and feathers, but if that doesn’t work I’d be willing to try another approach. Like maybe a tophat.

jus_wonderin May 17, 2010 at 5:47 pm

Couldn’t we just drop Dawn and scrub brush care packages from the air so we don’t have to see the pain, dispair and the results of our own human stupidity on their little oily faces?

BarackMyWorld May 17, 2010 at 5:47 pm
blinky_twinkie May 17, 2010 at 5:48 pm

applied by multicolored children’s toothbrushes.

Why did the mean JIC people steal toothbrushes from multicolored children? Don’t they have enough problems, being multicolored and all??

bored with gravity May 17, 2010 at 5:57 pm

[re=578818]Come here a minute[/re]: Win.

Aurelio May 17, 2010 at 6:04 pm

There are three people doing this?

Extemporanus May 17, 2010 at 6:10 pm

[re=578862]bitchincamaro[/re]: A clean win, Soapy Sales!

coolcatdaddy May 17, 2010 at 6:20 pm

Doesn’t BP’s latest effort, the “insertion tube system“, sound like they’re basically saying, “Hell, we can’t stop it, so we might as well get as much oil out of the thing while we can.”

theshriv May 17, 2010 at 6:22 pm

Seabirds who have been cleaned have a life expectancy of, on average, 5 days.

Now, get back to crying again already.

You’re welcome.

One Yield Regular May 17, 2010 at 6:39 pm

They really need to hire Spielberg to run this site. HE knows something about how to do product placement the right way.the site features BP’s CEO giving mouth to mouth resuscitation to a dolphin and Dick Cheney on his knees sopping up oil globules off the beach with his tongue.

libwakman May 17, 2010 at 6:54 pm

Please correct me if I’m wrong: after douching said birds, do BP execs take them home or do they release the shiny feathered friends back into the OILY FUCKING GULF?
After 7 washes the bird gets a coupon for a free beaker full of gas redeemable at any BP station.

BlueStateLiberal May 17, 2010 at 7:24 pm

There’s a funny video of Brit Hume at Fox questioning whether there’s actually an oil spill. He says there aren’t “clumps of it” on the shore anyway, so really people, get a grip.

bitchincamaro May 17, 2010 at 7:44 pm

[re=578966]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: Personally, I won’t be convinced until I see clumps of Brit Hume on the beach.

Lump Beefbroth May 17, 2010 at 7:51 pm

Why can’t we put unemployed people to work on the clean up? For example, all those poor out of work movie stars and celebrities. Why have these animals not been reserved for them to clean?

Mr Blifil May 17, 2010 at 11:14 pm

[re=578943]libwakman[/re]: +1

Like “Fly Away Home” only this time the cute 12-year old leads the endangered flock straight to the slick, while trying to stifle her giggling, saying to herself “stoopid fucking birds…” And then Jeff Daniels does some crazy shit to lighten the mood.

Jukesgrrl May 17, 2010 at 11:25 pm

In discussing the oil catastrophe on FOX yesterday, Brit Hume questioned how it can be so bad since he can’t see it. He said, “The ocean absorbs a lot,” about ten times. I say we put him in that trough, make him drink the Dawn, and stick a couple of those toothbrushes up that asshole’s asshole, while a flock of pelicans peck his face. But don’t worry, Brit, you can absorb a lot.”

BarackMyWorld May 17, 2010 at 11:45 pm
zhubajie May 17, 2010 at 11:47 pm

What do you want to bet the birds peck the Hell out of the workers? Who are probably illegals, anyway. I can’t imagine unemployed White tea-baggers lining up for this job.

calebcarter May 18, 2010 at 1:08 am

Thank god someone cares for those miserable birds who are falling prey to this oil spill crisis. Hats off to these guys!!
Force Factor Supplements

TGY May 18, 2010 at 9:31 am

There will be no Joy for Daffy.

crapshooter102 May 18, 2010 at 9:40 am

I am having my hair cut today and donating the proceeds to BP for clean-up. I’m nearly bald, but a small contribution is better than none. Comparing my income to BP’s, I am giving more than those assholes.

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