If you are massive loser, you may not be aware of the hottest new Internet sensation, DEEPWATER HORIZON RESPONSE: THE OFFICIAL SITE OF THE DEEPWATER HORIZON UNIFIED COMMAND, maintained by the DEEPWATER HORIZON INCIDENT JOINT INFORMATION CENTER (JIC), which is also on the Twitter (ha ha: “What is happening to oil, someone asks — 34 minutes ago via TweetDeck”). The JIC is the collaborative effort of the various failed federal agencies and corporations who want you to know that they care. Here is a nice, fluffy press release showing America that the caring JIC will wash the oil off of all those cute (living) birds down there, like this pelican. Heroes, all! What advanced chemical agents are they using to rid this pelican of the horrible, horrible crude oil it has been covered in and drinking all the time?

Click for super-big size:

Ahh, just some Dawn dish soap, applied by multicolored children’s toothbrushes. Huh. You’d think the DEEPWATER HORIZON UNIFIED COMMAND could pony up and buy a basic GE dishwasher to clean all these pelicans, what, four, five at a time?

[Deepwater Horizon JIC]
US Navy photo

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  1. Reminds me of my stint as a busboy/dishwasher. Don’t feel sorry for these folks. They get to duck into the walk-in freezer every so often and scarf down Napoleons before the chef finds out.

  2. Every item in the lower picture is made from a petroleum product. Which, of course, now also describes all the wildlife in the area.

  3. Jesus, what a waste of plastic packaging— can’t they get industrial sized soap bottle and bulk toothbrushes? Typical wasteful Americans. And how many birds are covered with oil versus the number this loser squad can clean at a time?

  4. Cleaning off all those birds above water will certainly do a lot of good for all that deep sea life the spill is currently killing.

  5. Still unemployed, I’d take a job doing this. Except maybe for the biting part; don’t angry birds do that? And I’m guessing there’s a lot of shit involved. Both from the birds and from the cleaners when they get bitten. Too bad there’s not as much money in cleaning up ecological disasters as there is in killing people (Blackwater, et al.).

  6. The hell of it is that BP, in a cost-cutting measure, got those bird-cleaning smocks on consignment from a company specializing in recycled Chernobyl uniforms.

  7. What the hell. These birds are already basted and can be sold as oven-ready.
    Don’t let another capitalistic idea slip away.

  8. Dishpan hands and pots and pans and ashtrays full of butts
    Pearldiving’s the life for me, I’m such a little putz
    The heat, the slime, I’ve never been on time
    I’m soaking wet, I’ll never save a dime

    Born to do dishes, I was born to do dishes
    I was born to do dishes and my mom’s really bummed out

  9. Dawn has actually been found to clean oil from animals at low concentrations and without irritating the animal’s skin. It’s cheap and widely available, and it works. No need for snark here.

  10. Dawn has actually been found to clean oil from animals at low concentrations and without irritating the animals’ skin. It’s cheap and widely available, and it works. No need for snark here.

  11. And once the birds are clean what is done with them? It’s not like you can release them into the wild because YOU HAVEN’T FIXED THE REASON WHY THESE BIRDS ARE OILY IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU FUCKFACES.

  12. Barbara Bush says, “Things are working out fine for the waterfowl, if it wasn’t for the oil spill none of them would have received a free bath.”

  13. [re=578798]bfstevie[/re]: Fixed: Don’t feel sorry for these folks. They get to duck into the walk-in freezer every so often and scarf down Pelicans before the chef finds out.

  14. Tell me, how does one get the tar and feathers off of a BP executive? I’m assuming the solution is even more tar and feathers, but if that doesn’t work I’d be willing to try another approach. Like maybe a tophat.

  15. Couldn’t we just drop Dawn and scrub brush care packages from the air so we don’t have to see the pain, dispair and the results of our own human stupidity on their little oily faces?

  16. applied by multicolored children’s toothbrushes.

    Why did the mean JIC people steal toothbrushes from multicolored children? Don’t they have enough problems, being multicolored and all??

  17. Seabirds who have been cleaned have a life expectancy of, on average, 5 days.

    Now, get back to crying again already.

    You’re welcome.

  18. They really need to hire Spielberg to run this site. HE knows something about how to do product placement the right way.the site features BP’s CEO giving mouth to mouth resuscitation to a dolphin and Dick Cheney on his knees sopping up oil globules off the beach with his tongue.

  19. Please correct me if I’m wrong: after douching said birds, do BP execs take them home or do they release the shiny feathered friends back into the OILY FUCKING GULF?
    After 7 washes the bird gets a coupon for a free beaker full of gas redeemable at any BP station.

  20. There’s a funny video of Brit Hume at Fox questioning whether there’s actually an oil spill. He says there aren’t “clumps of it” on the shore anyway, so really people, get a grip.

  21. Why can’t we put unemployed people to work on the clean up? For example, all those poor out of work movie stars and celebrities. Why have these animals not been reserved for them to clean?

  22. [re=578943]libwakman[/re]: +1

    Like “Fly Away Home” only this time the cute 12-year old leads the endangered flock straight to the slick, while trying to stifle her giggling, saying to herself “stoopid fucking birds…” And then Jeff Daniels does some crazy shit to lighten the mood.

  23. In discussing the oil catastrophe on FOX yesterday, Brit Hume questioned how it can be so bad since he can’t see it. He said, “The ocean absorbs a lot,” about ten times. I say we put him in that trough, make him drink the Dawn, and stick a couple of those toothbrushes up that asshole’s asshole, while a flock of pelicans peck his face. But don’t worry, Brit, you can absorb a lot.”

  24. What do you want to bet the birds peck the Hell out of the workers? Who are probably illegals, anyway. I can’t imagine unemployed White tea-baggers lining up for this job.

  25. I am having my hair cut today and donating the proceeds to BP for clean-up. I’m nearly bald, but a small contribution is better than none. Comparing my income to BP’s, I am giving more than those assholes.

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