the three that are still alive

Don’t Worry, The Oil Spill Response Team Will Clean All Those Pretty Oil Birds

If you are massive loser, you may not be aware of the hottest new Internet sensation, DEEPWATER HORIZON RESPONSE: THE OFFICIAL SITE OF THE DEEPWATER HORIZON UNIFIED COMMAND, maintained by the DEEPWATER HORIZON INCIDENT JOINT INFORMATION CENTER (JIC), which is also on the Twitter (ha ha: “What is happening to oil, someone asks — 34 minutes ago via TweetDeck”). The JIC is the collaborative effort of the various failed federal agencies and corporations who want you to know that they care. Here is a nice, fluffy press release showing America that the caring JIC will wash the oil off of all those cute (living) birds down there, like this pelican. Heroes, all! What advanced chemical agents are they using to rid this pelican of the horrible, horrible crude oil it has been covered in and drinking all the time?

Click for super-big size:

Ahh, just some Dawn dish soap, applied by multicolored children’s toothbrushes. Huh. You’d think the DEEPWATER HORIZON UNIFIED COMMAND could pony up and buy a basic GE dishwasher to clean all these pelicans, what, four, five at a time?

[Deepwater Horizon JIC]
US Navy photo

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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67 comments

  1. bfstevie

    Reminds me of my stint as a busboy/dishwasher. Don’t feel sorry for these folks. They get to duck into the walk-in freezer every so often and scarf down Napoleons before the chef finds out.

  2. memzilla

    Every item in the lower picture is made from a petroleum product. Which, of course, now also describes all the wildlife in the area.

  3. Way Cool Larry

    Jesus, what a waste of plastic packaging— can’t they get industrial sized soap bottle and bulk toothbrushes? Typical wasteful Americans. And how many birds are covered with oil versus the number this loser squad can clean at a time?

  4. lawrenceofthedesert

    It’s a shame that Hitchcock isn’t alive to do the sequel, which looks even scarier.

  5. JMP

    Cleaning off all those birds above water will certainly do a lot of good for all that deep sea life the spill is currently killing.

  6. Joshua Norton

    To quote BP, “What’s the problem? There’s still a lot of ocean that isn’t oily.”

  7. chascates

    Still unemployed, I’d take a job doing this. Except maybe for the biting part; don’t angry birds do that? And I’m guessing there’s a lot of shit involved. Both from the birds and from the cleaners when they get bitten. Too bad there’s not as much money in cleaning up ecological disasters as there is in killing people (Blackwater, et al.).

  8. Rosie Scenario

    [re=578807]ManchuCandidate[/re]: “Yer soaking in it.” Memories of childhood TV.

  9. rocktonsammy

    If you put Dawn dish soap in a bowl with Mtn Dew, it will attract and kill bees and your picnic won’t be ruined also.

  10. Mr Blifil

    The hell of it is that BP, in a cost-cutting measure, got those bird-cleaning smocks on consignment from a company specializing in recycled Chernobyl uniforms.

  11. WhatTheHeck

    What the hell. These birds are already basted and can be sold as oven-ready.
    Don’t let another capitalistic idea slip away.

  12. TakingAmes

    [re=578800]memzilla[/re]: Probably not the stainless steel table. Or the cardboard box. Also.

  13. BOOBIES!

    When I want to scrub down pelicans, I prefer to throw them in the back of my pick-up and drive through the car wash.

  14. Extemporanus

    [re=578818]Come here a minute[/re]: [re=578825]Extemporanus[/re]: I am a big fat globby tar ball.

  15. Chernobyl Soup

    [re=578819]Mr Blifil[/re]: Ahem. That was 25 years ago. Can we just drop it?

  16. Extemporanus

    [re=578830]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: BP CEO: “Madges? We ain’t got no Madges? We don’t need no Madges!”

  17. BOOBIES!

    BP = Big Poop? British Pricks? Brown Poo?

    JIC = Jackasses In Charge? Just Incompetent Cleaning?

  18. foulmouthed mrscreant

    [re=578801]Way Cool Larry[/re]: The plastic island in the Pacific needs moar plastic.

  19. SmutBoffin

    Dishpan hands and pots and pans and ashtrays full of butts
    Pearldiving’s the life for me, I’m such a little putz
    The heat, the slime, I’ve never been on time
    I’m soaking wet, I’ll never save a dime

    Born to do dishes, I was born to do dishes
    I was born to do dishes and my mom’s really bummed out

  20. I Heart Accuracy

    Hell you don’t even need charcoal anymore. Just throw it on the grill, whip out the zippo and DINNER!

  21. gregp

    Dawn has actually been found to clean oil from animals at low concentrations and without irritating the animal’s skin. It’s cheap and widely available, and it works. No need for snark here.

  22. gregp

    Dawn has actually been found to clean oil from animals at low concentrations and without irritating the animals’ skin. It’s cheap and widely available, and it works. No need for snark here.

  23. Cape Clod

    And once the birds are clean what is done with them? It’s not like you can release them into the wild because YOU HAVEN’T FIXED THE REASON WHY THESE BIRDS ARE OILY IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU FUCKFACES.

  24. GOPCrusher

    Somebody needs to drag Brit Hume’s ass down to Louisiana and put him to work cleaning birds.

  25. Scarab

    Barbara Bush says, “Things are working out fine for the waterfowl, if it wasn’t for the oil spill none of them would have received a free bath.”

  26. Mad Brahms

    [re=578798]bfstevie[/re]: Fixed: Don’t feel sorry for these folks. They get to duck into the walk-in freezer every so often and scarf down Pelicans before the chef finds out.

  27. Radiotherapy

    [re=578863]gregp[/re]: You know what else Dawn is good for? It doesn’t ruffle turkey’s feathers!

  28. DangerousLiberal

    [re=578815]chascates[/re]: That’s why there’s illegal aliens–to clean the oily birds Americans won’t clean.

  29. SayItWithWookies

    Tell me, how does one get the tar and feathers off of a BP executive? I’m assuming the solution is even more tar and feathers, but if that doesn’t work I’d be willing to try another approach. Like maybe a tophat.

  30. jus_wonderin

    Couldn’t we just drop Dawn and scrub brush care packages from the air so we don’t have to see the pain, dispair and the results of our own human stupidity on their little oily faces?

  31. blinky_twinkie

    applied by multicolored children’s toothbrushes.

    Why did the mean JIC people steal toothbrushes from multicolored children? Don’t they have enough problems, being multicolored and all??

  32. coolcatdaddy

    Doesn’t BP’s latest effort, the “insertion tube system“, sound like they’re basically saying, “Hell, we can’t stop it, so we might as well get as much oil out of the thing while we can.”

  33. theshriv

    Seabirds who have been cleaned have a life expectancy of, on average, 5 days.

    Now, get back to crying again already.

    You’re welcome.

  34. One Yield Regular

    They really need to hire Spielberg to run this site. HE knows something about how to do product placement the right way.the site features BP’s CEO giving mouth to mouth resuscitation to a dolphin and Dick Cheney on his knees sopping up oil globules off the beach with his tongue.

  35. libwakman

    Please correct me if I’m wrong: after douching said birds, do BP execs take them home or do they release the shiny feathered friends back into the OILY FUCKING GULF?
    After 7 washes the bird gets a coupon for a free beaker full of gas redeemable at any BP station.

  36. BlueStateLiberal

    There’s a funny video of Brit Hume at Fox questioning whether there’s actually an oil spill. He says there aren’t “clumps of it” on the shore anyway, so really people, get a grip.

  37. bitchincamaro

    [re=578966]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: Personally, I won’t be convinced until I see clumps of Brit Hume on the beach.

  38. Lump Beefbroth

    Why can’t we put unemployed people to work on the clean up? For example, all those poor out of work movie stars and celebrities. Why have these animals not been reserved for them to clean?

  39. Mr Blifil

    [re=578943]libwakman[/re]: +1

    Like “Fly Away Home” only this time the cute 12-year old leads the endangered flock straight to the slick, while trying to stifle her giggling, saying to herself “stoopid fucking birds…” And then Jeff Daniels does some crazy shit to lighten the mood.

  40. Jukesgrrl

    In discussing the oil catastrophe on FOX yesterday, Brit Hume questioned how it can be so bad since he can’t see it. He said, “The ocean absorbs a lot,” about ten times. I say we put him in that trough, make him drink the Dawn, and stick a couple of those toothbrushes up that asshole’s asshole, while a flock of pelicans peck his face. But don’t worry, Brit, you can absorb a lot.”

  41. zhubajie

    What do you want to bet the birds peck the Hell out of the workers? Who are probably illegals, anyway. I can’t imagine unemployed White tea-baggers lining up for this job.

  42. crapshooter102

    I am having my hair cut today and donating the proceeds to BP for clean-up. I’m nearly bald, but a small contribution is better than none. Comparing my income to BP’s, I am giving more than those assholes.

Comments are closed.