That ain't Santa.How is the Vatican’s decades-long child-rape international outrage not the Vatican’s fault today? The Pope’s lawyers are arguing in a Louisville, Kentucky court that priests and bishops don’t, uh, actually work for the Vatican. So, you know, not the Pope’s problem! Do not even *think* about indicting the Pope.

The AP reports:

The Vatican on Monday will make its most detailed defense yet against claims that it is liable for U.S. bishops who allowed priests to molest children, saying bishops are not its employees and that a 1962 Vatican document did not require them to keep quiet, The Associated Press has learned.

Ha, what? The Vatican chooses bishops to run its various dioceses, and the Vatican can throw any priest — or monk or nun or whatever — out of the entire Catholic Church just by saying “I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee” (in Latin).

And what about this “smoking gun” document from the Vatican?

The document describes how church authorities should deal procedurally with cases of abuse of children by priests, cases where sex is solicited in the confessional — a particularly heinous crime under canon law — and cases of homosexuality and bestiality.

Anyway, once the Vatican loses this round, maybe the whole dirty mafioso operation can be bankrupted with the proceeds going to the millions (probably?) of people savagely raped and beaten and sexually abused by evil monsters who lurk in the wrong side of Church confessionals. [MSNBC/AP]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • user-of-owls

    alt-alt-text: “Who talks this way, ho ho ho”

  • user-of-owls

    From faux panda porn to actual papal porn. Long strange trip indeed.

  • Zadig

    In before Pope Palpatine excommunicates the shit out of the prosecutor, Attorney General, and Eric Holder for good measure. And you know what, UN? Fuck you too, you’re out of here.

  • Larry Fine

    How about the guy who creates the fabulous gowns that the Pope wears. Is he employed by the Vatican?

  • V572625694

    The Pontiff is using the BP defense: hey, we subbed it out!

  • ttommyunger

    So, the infallible spokesman for God on Earth is falling back on the old Corporate “Independent Contractor” dodge, eh? As a continually backslidden Christian, I can only say the dismantling of this horrific enterprise is centuries overdue. The torture, death and destruction carried out by the Pope and his minions over time is too great to catalog, too pervasive to control, too endemic to root out. Dismantle it, destroy it, bankrupt it; God will do just fine without this “advocate”.

  • JMP

    So the Nazi Pope’s defense is that he was only giving orders.

  • proudgrampa

    Jesus is coming and boy, is he pissed.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=578313]V572625694[/re]: I figure next they’ll be saying ‘hey, they’re contractors/consultants; we hired them from a temp agency so we wouldn’t have to pay for their health insurance.’

  • pub_option

    Regarding alt-text. It does look like a particularly unpleasant elf is reading a porno mag.

  • Long Form Def Certificate

    They obviously work for the Lord, Our Father, Creator of Heaven & Earth, All That Is Seen & Unseen, so if anybody needs to be sued, He does.

    The Pope is just His spokesman.

    Or, to put this matter in an Earthly analogy, it would be the same as the GOP-controlled House, c. 2011, impeaching Robert Gibbs when they really mean to impeach NOBAMA.

  • Joshua Norton


    Actually, being the good German that he is, he’s using the Sgt. Schultz defense:

    “I know nothing, I see nothing, and I say nothing“!

  • the problem child

    Not employees? How about agents, appointees, designates, surrogates, or servants instead? Or lackies, tools and sychophants.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=578313]V572625694[/re]: [re=578320]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: ZOMG! The bishops..the priests…they work for Blackwater!!

  • ph7

    Note to Bishops: you can apparently stop paying Tribute now.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=578326]the problem child[/re]: Or lickspittles, toadies, fawners and trucklers.

  • Cape Clod

    So the church in my town is basically just a franchise? I guess that means they can make up their own rules then. Lady priests, gay marriage, contraception will be allowed and headquarters will give them some latitude, ameyerite?

  • pub_option

    [re=578326]the problem child[/re]: Are some of these names considered sub-classes of angel in Catholic doctrine?

  • ella

    So soliciting sex in the confessional is a heinous crime but bestiality is just “oh by the way”?

  • norbizness

    “No one who speaks German could be an evil man.”

  • user-of-owls

    [re=578335]Cape Clod[/re]: No, even franchises have to follow corporate rules. Otherwise, some local McDonalds could decide to serve actual meat in their meals.

  • JMP

    [re=578335]Cape Clod[/re]: Apparently the threats to excommunicate bishops who didn’t cover up the rapes were just little suggestions.

  • sagebrush

    Next the Vatican will say its not the Pope’s fault because he’s not Catholic.

  • disgustedcitizen

    That crunching sound you hear are the US Bishops being tossed under the bus.

  • Asa Hawks

    How unbelievably cowardly. No one expects sainthood from the Vatican, but is it too much to expect them to behave like reasonably decent human beings?

  • V572625694

    [re=578369]Asa Hawks[/re]: Why, yes it is too much to expect. But no one expects the Spanish…etc etc.

  • TGY

    Implausible deniability.

  • Way Cool Larry

    Man will never be free until the last pope is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.

  • Come here a minute

    The Vatican can throw any priest out of the entire Catholic Church just by saying “I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee”.

    This does not become official until the Vatican throws dog poop on their shoes.

  • Godot

    [re=578335]Cape Clod[/re]: “Salvation. Available at participating Catholic churches.”

  • Mahousu

    No, the Vatican is not like a corporation with the bishops and priests as its employees. It’s more along the lines of a swinger’s club.

  • mumblyjoe

    So, Andrew Sullivan and others love to refer to Scientology as “Super Adventure Club”. I hereby submit that this is mistaken, and the monniker “Super Adventure Club” should be used exclusively to refer to the Catholic Church.

    Here’s why: In the South Park Episode, Super Adventure Club is used as an analogy to lampoon Scientology’s batshit insane, and deeply harmful, beliefs.

    By contrast, though: raping young boys in exotic locales, for Eternal Life, is LITERALLY what Super Catholic Club believes, apparently.

  • Zadig

    [re=578343]ella[/re]: On the plus side, after you solicit sex in the confessional, hey, you’re already in the confessional. We’ll just sort out this little heinous sin quick-like. Whereas with bestiality, you’re less damned, but you have to drive miles from the farm to find a decent Forgiveness Booth.

  • chaste everywhere

    Like priests and bishops WORK!

  • justthisonce

    I’m gonna need to see some W-2s and/or 1099s. Papers, please…

  • mumblyjoe

    [re=578420]mumblyjoe[/re]: Catholic Adventure Club? Super Adventure Catholicism?

  • gurukalehuru

    God is a child molester.

  • SayItWithWookies

    So priests aren’t actually church employees — they just receive their (meager) salary from the church, get their rules from the church, obey the church and swear loyalty to the church, but actually act as independent autonomous units. So really, they’re more like al-Qaeda cells — got it.

  • mumblyjoe

    [re=578522]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Fun fact: “Ordain” and “Subordinate” apparently share a root. Not that bishops are subordinate to the Vatican, mind you. They just, umm, ordained by the Vatican, and need to do whatever the Vatican tells them, or else they get kicked out of Super Catholic Club.

  • BobTheBuilder

    If only all priests looked like that photo, the Catholic church would have no molestation problem.

  • BeWoot

    Bestiality? Really? This mondo outre fetish keeps turning up in all sorts of prohibitive contexts. How common can bestiality be? Am I missing something?

  • mumblyjoe

    Re: the alt text, you really don’t want an elf-job from that guy.

  • Asa Hawks

    [re=578378]V572625694[/re]: Our two weapons are surprise, fear and ludicrous legal arguments. No wait, that’s three weapons.

  • PlanetWingnuta

    sooooooooooooooooooo they dont work for the vatican eh? ok then popesie NEVER COME TO THE US AGAIN…STAY THE F_CK OUT!

Previous articleAlabama Agriculture Commissioner Candidate Makes Awesome, Terrifying Campaign Ad
Next article